Rob writes a new song- dear Lord I hope not…

Dear Rob,

About 3 things I am absolutely positive:

First, you are a decent musician. Second, there is a part of you, and I’m not sure how prevalent this part is, that has the potential to write really bad music- like we’re talking open mic night at the Joe’s Java bad. And third, you were unconditionally and irrevocably drunk if you wrote the following song:

“Falling in Love” written by Rob Pattinson or possibly the writer who writes Bieber songs, you choose

If you’re sitting comfortably then let me begin.
I want to tell you a tale about the mess that I’m in.
And it all starts with a girl.
And shes breaking up my whole world.

Shes got this big green eyes, and there as wide as the moon.
They can take you to bed without you leavin’ the room.
I would kill just to be her man,
but she’s too cool to give a damn.

I’m falling in love for the last time
I’m falling in love forever and ever.
Falling in love with a girl that ain’t mine
I’m falling in love for the last time.

She makes me feel like a king,
she makes me feel like a freak
She plays on me because she knows that I’m weak
And she knows just what to say, just to brighten up my day.

So now I’m feeling sick,
and shes still having fun
I guess she thinks that I’m thick, or maybe a little dumb
But it makes no use to me,
I’m a fool for misery.

I’m falling in love for the last time
I’m falling in love forever and ever.
Falling in love with a girl that ain’t mine
I’m falling in love for the last time.

I’m falling in love with a girl…

I’m falling in love for the last time
I’m falling in love forever and ever.
Falling in love with a girl that ain’t mine
I’m falling in love for the last time…..

I prefer to stay in my little world where you write good songs and not cliché, cheesy love songs that seem penned by someone no older than 12 years old. The only reasons I’m willing to accept that you did indeed write this song for an unknown female is that Dick got you a rhyming dictionary for your birthday and you were testing it out, you wrote this song for someone you hate or you bought a case of Heineken and downed it by yourself.

But inside me there is this little nagging fear that this is, in fact, what your songs sound like and we’ve just never noticed before because when you sing them you generally have “the mumbles,” thus masking any 12 year old penned lyrics that might be behind the tune.

Don’t get me wrong- I love a great love song just as much as the next girl- I just like my love songs to not be so obvious. I mean, let’s take The Beatle’s “I’ve just seen a face” for instance. It’s basically the same theme as the song you supposedly wrote- boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy writes a song. Except, instead saying “Hey I met you – you’re a girl and you have hazel eyes with red hair and double D breasts and I fell for you but you suck and won’t let me have you or get you” they just say all that with a few simple words: “Falling, yes I am falling And she keeps calling me back again.” Or what about one of my very favorites of all time? “Dance me to your love” By Leonard Cohen: “Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin. Dance me through the panic till I’m gathered safely in. Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove. Dance me to the end of love .” Sigh… now that’s a love song!

So to ease my mind & get to the bottom of “Did Rob Pattinson write this cheesy song and therefore isn’t as cool as I thought he was,” I’ve decided to come up with a list of proof you DID or did NOT pen this song, after the jump Continue…

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The Notorious R.O.B. – Rapper, actor and white boy lays down the rhymes

Dear Rob,

We know about your love of the Hip Hop and NWA and now you’re saying you convinced yourself when you were younger that you wrote Biggie’s music…

Now, I’m all for some fantasies but for realz? You’re a white boy from London…  nice, middle class London at that, pretty far from Bed-Stuy Brooklyn. But I get it, I love BIG too, Juicy is one of my favorite songs of all time. So I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and take a closer look at some of BIG’s music to see if you really could have in fact written it… let’s take a look shall we, I translate in parenthesis…

Straight outta 8 mile

Big Poppa

To all the ladies in the place with style and grace (HOLLA LTR!)
Allow me to lace these lyrical douches in your bushes (um no.)
Who rock grooves and make moves with all the mommies (TwiMoms!)
The back of the club, sippin Moet, is where you’ll find me (they ran outta Heine)
The back of the club, mackin hoes, my crew’s behind me (no really, Dean/Steve is behind you. It’s part of his contract)

ladies with style and grace? Um DUH that’s us. We also big booty hoes, but he’ll get to that later. I love that he’s calling out Dean/Steve here. Dean/Steve’s got his back like chiroprack. He gets really creative with the next verse…

Soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind (you’ve got NO game and possibly cheap!)
And ask what your interests are, who you be with (do you possible like books about vampires? Did you come to this bar with friends you met on twitter or a blog?)
Things to make you smile, what numbers to dial (do you have a Jitterbug?)
You gon’ be here for a while, I’m gon’ go call my crew (TomStu)
You go call your crew (LTR girls)
We can rendezvous at the bar around two
Plans to leave, throw the keys to Lil Cease (nickname for Dean/Steve. Cease and Desist you crazy Twihards!)
Pull the truck up, front, and roll up the next blunt (you’re bad at driving, we know)
So we can steam on the way to the telly go fill my belly (Srsly, you’re hungry a lot)
A t-bone steak, cheese eggs and Welch’s grape (Breakfast Hot Pocket Steak and Eggs)
Conversate for a few, cause in a few, we gon’ do (you ran out of stuff to talk about)
What we came to do, ain’t that right boo [truuuueee]
Forget the telly we just go to the crib
and watch a movie in the jacuzzi smoke l’s while you do me (hot tub store shout out, UC!)

B.I.G. or R.O.B.?

And neeexxxttt we have…

Been ‘Round The World

Been around the world and I I I
And we been playa hated [say what?]
I don’t know and I don’t know why
Why they want us faded [ahehe]
I don’t know why they hate us [yeah]
Is it our ladies? [uh-huh]
Or our drop Mercedes [uhh, uhh]
Bay-bee bay-BEE!

This is pretty obvious, it’s a diss track on all the dudes who hate on you and call you Edward Cullen and say shiz about your hair and being a p*ssy vegetarian vampire. They’re haters and it’s because you’re getting mad ladies for ALL over the world! Look at this blog you get more action here on a daily basis than Kellan at a TwiCon.

Now let’s hit probably the most damning evidence of all… my fave Biggie song: Juicy, after the cut

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