Rob Pattinson and Katy Perry? We’d ship that

Dear Rob,

So I was talking to Brookelockart yesterday [Wait Hold the phone: You think I’m in a fight with Moon, don’t you? Since I’m spending more internet time with Brooke? I’m not. But I am in a fight with her job]

Moving on, Brookelockart & I were discussing this latest piece in Lainey Gossip about how Katy Perry wants to jump your bones.

It’s Gossip. So let’s take it with a grain of salt. But also, we’ve been hearing “Gossip” for YEARS that Katy wants to jump your bones, so can we say that maybe it is sorta somewhat maybe possibly true?

Either way, we both decided that if you and Katy decided to become a “thing” we’d TOTALLY ship it. So here are 10 reasons why you dating Katy would be good for you & us:

Cause if you dated this wouldn’t be the ONLY image available if you google “Rob Pattinson and Katy Perry”

1) She has Boobs & you like boobs

2) Katy’s bubbly personality will definitely cheer you up.

3) It would be FUN. Not serious. No one needs serious. You need FUN

4) What guy doesn’t want to bang her in her California Girls get up

5) Katy knows Snoop dog. And no doubt has access to really quality weed

6) Katy would actually like to be seen with you in public

8) And you’ll feel like a sexual superstar when fireworks shoot out of her boobs

9) Since Katy is obsessed with you, there will be an EPIC sad love ballad penned after you get bored and end it (a la Thinking of You)

10) Your dating Katy may stop all the robsten shippers from harrassing anyone slightly related to Rob or Kristen

Can we start trending #robstenisbroken #RobKatishot yet??

UnintendedChoice & Brookelockart

What do you think? Could Rob use a little Katy fun in his life?

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Confession: I haven’t seen Cosmopolis

Dear Rob,

Confession: This is as far as I’ve gotten in my quest to see Cosmopolis:

Talking to @Brookelockart at brunch this weekend:

Me: Are we going to see Cosmopolis?
Brookelockart: Is it out?
Me: Yes
Brookelockart: I dunno
Me: k

And I know! I am a ROB fan. I am currently writing on a ROB blog. What is wrong with me? I can think of 8 other things I’d rather do than go see Cosmopolis:

  1. Watch that DVD of “How to Be” I never started (nope. oops)
  2. Go see The Dark KnightRises (I’m behind on movies, k?)
  3. Eat a vegetarian hot pocket (do they make those?)
  4. Go camping (I hate camping)
  5. Go through my archives of Rob Pattinson magazines (I did some cleaning and found them the other day)
  6. Daydream about Jim Harper (SO SAD The Newsroom is over!)
  7. Husk Corn (It’s corn on the cob season!)
  8. Browse Robsten Tumblrs (one of my favorite activities)

I’m sorry. I know you’re hot in it. I know you have a lot of the sex with Debra from Everybody loves Raymond, but I just have no desire to see this movie. I didn’t read the book. The trailers didn’t sell it to me. As much as I love looking at you, I am just not in the mood.

I love my husband but that doesn’t mean everything he says and does is perfect. You’re like that for me.

Don’t tell my husband I just compared you two. 


Call me a bad Rob fan! Yell at me at tell me I don’t deserve to look at the pretty! And after you’re done, the rest of you jump in & confess why you haven’t seen Cosmopolis either. And after the jump, hear from a gal who WILL watch the movie Follow the Jump(ing Rob) to read more…Jumping Rob

48 Commented


Dear Rob,

YOU’RE BACK. I was barely aware you were gone (Well.. that’s a lie. You have seen how infrequently we write to you anymore, right? We noticed.)

But you’re back. And you’re hotter than ever. And we didn’t know that was possible.

All the good stuff happens after I go to bed. Like you on Jimmy Kimmel. Amazzzing:

In love,

What do you think? Is Rob BACK? Does this mean we’ll get GQ ROB again soon!? FINGERS CROSSED

[Vids found on Ew]

22 Commented

Rob Pattinson on the Daily Show: Political jokes and… um awkward

Dear Rob,

2 of our favorite things happened last night: You + Jon Stewart. Oh and male spanx jokes, so make that 3 things. And Brookelockart & I decided to live break-it-down:

UC: do you think Rob is going to comment on Paul Ryan’s appointment to VP running mate. or perhaps once & for all tell us where he stands on Obamacare? I know we’ve been DYING to know
Brookelockart: I have a feeling that most of this chat will be me gushing over the genius that is Jon Stewart. I’d totally date a jew*, if they were as awesome as Jon Stewart. YAY! it’s on, Go Smart Funny Jew!! aaaaand good looking (said like a jewish mother)
UC: they’ll talk about the London Olympics for sure. Maybe discuss One Direction’s performance last night
Brookelockart: Haha– the Message to Twilight fans– Jon knows his audience tonight
Brookelockart: hahahhah, he has to explain the Daily show to the new audience.
UC: I feel so welcome. Even though I’m a normal watcher
Brookelockart: me too. Like he rolled out a special welcome mat for us.

This sexy Jewish guy has a message for Twilight fans (click to read)

Brookelockart:Do you think Robstens lean right or left?
UC: I don’t know….. they could go either way
Brookelockart: nice PC answer UC. you could run for government
UC: I could. but if you make me answer…. Well- some want EVERYONE to leave ROBSTEN alone, which I assume includes the government– so therefore they lean right…Some ROBSTENers though feel entitled to ROBSTENs relationship– and they probably love social security & medicaid too, so they lean left. I so smart.

Brookelockart: dammmmm..Paul Ryan is trying to glamour us
UC: haha dreamboat
Brookelockart: it’s like all the Paul Ryan Gosling memes say
UC: wait.. those EXIST?
Brookelockart: ZOMG YES. there’s even a twitter
UC: i just found a tumblr
Brookelockart: “@PaulRyanGosling: Hey girl, I just ate a corn dog. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.” all the giggles!
UC: “@PaulRyanGosling: Hey girl, Mitt and I partied way too hard last night. Motherf*cker had FIVE Diet Sprites. The dude is insane.”

Brookelockart: So back to Rob on this show… do you think Jon showed him the questions before hand? because after his last appearance, I have to imagine Jon pitied Rob. That interview was so awkward that I had to keep looking away and changing the channel.
UC: oh yeah… i actually completely forgot about that interview…. i mean.. it … seems so long ago!
Brookelockart: It quite possibly was the most awkward interview that I’ve ever seen. Even worse than him being called a palsey chicken at comic con.
UC: well yes.. they have to had had some discussion.. b/c of the big elephant in the room (obvs talking about his unibrow)

Brookelockart: OOOOOH. it’s time.
UC: ugh… unf
Brookelockart: He’s in the SUIT. Good GOD
UC: do we know that person who screamed in the audience. I bet we do. Or was that me? ICE CREAM… good call Jon– nice touch. Also WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT so I can go buy every one at my local Wawa.

UC: NAH– rob is lactose.. he won’t eat it
Brookelockart: Wait. do YOU KNOW THAT? About him being Lactose?
UC: BROOKE– of course i don’t know that. i’m NORMAL remember?

You can Double Spank me

UC: i’m cringing
Brookelockart: hahahahahhahah. AWKWARD. SOOOOO AWKWARD
Brookelockart: Has rob completed a sentence yet?
UC: no
Brookelockart: aww, Jon’s a nice big brother friend..even though after he probably walks back to the staff and says, effing idiot.
UC: yeah….. this is first right? cuz this is the BEST first interview possible. And can we agree that he really DOES need a publicist?
Brookelockart: his hair is looking pretty fantastic. SIDE NOTE
UC: um don’t pick your nose rob. but YES.. the hair… and the blue suit.. ugh.. hot..
Brookelockart: NOT YOUR NOSE– YOU ARE ON CAMERA. he really does need training
UC: and OMG he looks like my crush from 3rd- 8th grade. even more than EVER. i wish I could make him (my crush) model for the LTR world
Brookelockart: it all comes full circle– what is his life that he just talked about his break up to Jon stewart (and by talk, I mean he threw out some phrases and words that sorta made sense but were really not a coherent thought…)

Oh Rob… this is your life??!!!!

PS you looked amaaazing


UC & Brookelockart

*note: Brookelockart is Jewish and has never dated a Jew. Unless you count that one guy in 7th grade. Which I do and she doesn’t. So what does a friend like me do? Send her pictures of available Jewish guys all the time. Hot, not, small, fat, old, young. You’re welcome Brooke.

Ps: You can pick you friends and you can pick your nose, but you can never pick Rob Pattinson’s nose.

36 Commented

Rob Pattinson at the London Olympics

Dear Rob,

Did we get ya with that title? Are you looking around thinking, “Who noticed it was me? I thought everyone who passed me just thought I was an average homeless Londoner” [I’m imagining at this point you’re in last week’s clothes with a huge bushy beard, looking emaciated and smelling like a mix between whiskey & pee]

Well, we haven’t spotted you at the Olympics (yet. but we’re looking behind every dumpster), but our friend Zephyersky imagined you were there (kinda):

Dear Rob,

In attempt to turn attention away from the scandal I will not talk about (mostly because when I do I get a vacant stare and asked why I even care, which then makes me feel the need to self explore, digging up issues that are probably best left deeply buried) I’m directing attention to another not quite as publicized event. The RobOlympics. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. It’s the competitions you had with your friends as you sat around watched to see if you won a free order of fries or a small Coke cause some trampolinist you’ve never heard of won a bronze. Does McDonald’s even offer those games in England? If so do they have Monopoly, only with London landmarks?

I’m British. We don’t play basketball here.

Anyway back to those fun little diversions between actual action while the commentator is telling the tragically uplifting back story of how that trampolinist overcame a childhood of being told to ‘stop wasting time and just mow the damn lawn already; it’s not like your training for the Olympics.’ You know how it starts – someone says “I could do that” then hops up on the couch and proceeds to jump only to crack their head on A) the ceiling, B) the floor, or C) for those extremely talented – both the ceiling and the floor.

A perfect 10 if he can stick the landing among all those feathers.

Then you all take turns until the couch frame is cracked and you’re covered in plaster with several head shaped dents in the ceiling. After that you determine the best way to fight the headache you now have is to drink it away. This leads to speed Heineken drinking and bottle cap skipping. Soon you’re just a group of drunken mumbling idiots looking through the wreckage for that free fry tab and wondering who you can call to drive you to McDonalds.

Betting on you to take the gold,

Good idea for Rob to pass the time while he waits for Liberty Ross to call him back, right? And a question for those of you up on the rumor mill— was Rob planning to come home to London for the Olympics? Do you know? And if you do, how do you know? Stole his mail? Peeked in his windows? Hacked his phone? His e-mail? All of the above? ‘Atta girl*


PS: Moon is in Africa. I am in Pennsylvania- soon to be on a beach. I just thought you should know (and if you want to write a letter to Rob while we’re both busy… you may xxoo)

*We don’t condone stalking. Usually

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