Fan made Robert Pattinson items that need to be purchased

Dear Rob,

It’s been awhile since I’ve perused Etsy looking for beautiful art & crafts for your fans to wear, for their homes or to give as gifts to other Robsessed fans. And as I checked out the site today, I was disappointed in the descriptions that went along with the images. It’s clear that the artists are inexperienced in the art of marketing & sales. Luckily I have experience in both of those things, and I’ve decided to re-write the descriptions for the following beautiful items in hope that they sell out on Etsy & the streets are flooded with even more Rob fans in Rob-inspired clothing, accessories, shoes & decor for their homes.

With the Robert Pattinson Bottlecap Necklace you will stop people in their tracks in the street, cause traffic accidents when it catches the light & be the most popular woman in your MOPS class when you wear this beautiful cap (from a Heineken, of course) with Robert Pattinson’s shining face looking up at you. Bored in church? Just look down, and meditate upon the face of Pattinson. Tired of talking to your kids? Try talking to Rob Pattinson instead. With Rob around your neck, you’ll never feel lonely. Hubby bothering you for an HJ while watching sports? Just look down at your neck and you’ll get right in the mood.

Do you have anxiety? Are you spending hundreds of dollars a year on co-pays for anxiety medicine that does nothing but quiet you down and lower your sex drive? Then you need the “Keep Calm & Carry On” Rob Pattinson picture. Something stressful creep into your life? Go into your den and stare at this photo for just 5 minutes and all your stress will melt away. PLUS- if you hang the image in your bedroom, when the stress overwhelms you, just step away and sit on your bed as you stare longingly at the picture. As you begin to relax you may feel a warmth down below- don’t be afraid- that’s the added bonus of the picture- it actually increases your sex drive. Lay up against your Edward pillow, pull out your Vampire Dildo & carry on.

Really into Rob but feel like he’s a little too pretty-boy for your taste? Try putting this “Bender Rob” portrait on your wall. It’s like Rob spent a weekend eating a case of Hot Pockets, drinking only Heineken straight from the tap, got stung by an entire hive of bees & then shot himself up with steroids.

Or maybe you’d prefer “Slow Rob” so that your man doesn’t get so jealous. Hang him on your wall & your guy will no longer feel like he has to compete with perfection to get you into bed. With this hanging in your bedroom, you’ll actually be thinking of your man next time you get it on.

Feel like there aren’t enough artistic Wood pieces in your home? Then look no further than “Wood Rob.” Painted on a piece of bark found back by the dumpster, “Wood Rob” is the perfect accessory to scare away unwanted visitors & make you appreciate nature while remembering the 70s & the amazingness of the Afro on the white boy.

When the blogs, forums, twitter accounts & collection of images under your bed aren’t enough Robsten for you, there’s the Robsten Victorian Style Ring. Just wear this every minute of every day and the magicness of Rob & Kristen’s relationship will never leave you. When you’re distracted during a lecture at school, glance down at your finger & imagine the love Kristen & Rob are making at that moment. Think about how the bear-skinned rug must feel under their asses. Imagine the crackle of the fire and the flashes behind them as a montage of all their Edward & Bella scenes play on the TV to a soundtrack of the moans from the New Moon birthday kiss.

See! I told you I could sell! Coming soon: Houses filled with Bender Rob, women everywhere wearing Robsten rings and lumberjacks cutting down trees then carving your face into them- SIGN ME UP!!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

All items found on Etsy or Regretsy. I did not link to the owner’s pages because that’s just too 2nd-hand embarassing.

Want to wear something about Rob but it not be so obvious about Rob? How about this from the store? “Big in Japan” or “I heart British Boys” OR the famed “Pattinson Family Reunion”

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

86 Commented