(Rob, don’t cry… but I will be away from interwebs and blogging for 2 weeks while I’m in Kenya! But have no fear I’ve got all your favorite past letter writers as well as some new ones lined up for you! Freya takes over today and writes you in my absence and ponders the exact thing I’ve been wondering: where the crap are you living these days? xo, moon)
In response to the video that has got the Respect Rob-ers up in arms, my thoughts were (as is typical) elsewhere. You say that you don’t want the paps to follow you home. But where do you live? Are you on one of those maps of the star’s homes? Can I see your place on a double-decker bus tour?
I really don’t want to know the exact address of your abode, but I can’t picture you in any kind of permanent lodging. You’ve been in California a while and I hope you’ve found a nice place to live, but I can’t picture it. I would hate to think of you living in a cold, impersonal hotel for such an extended period of time. This led me to thinking of the possibilities you might have for accommodation as you finish up Water for Elephants.
1. In a luxury hotel.
- Oh, Rob. Please don’t be living here. I know you’ve been going from hotel to hotel as you do promotion and filming, but this is not the place for you. I worry about you, and your neighbors. The front desk doesn’t want to be dealing with complaints about the weird Hot-Pocket smell coming from your room. The maids are scared of your “pile o’ plaid” on the visitor’s chair. And you’ve finally been banned from riding the elevator up and down with TomStu. I think they may have banished you to the pool the other day, fully clothed, because they insisted on cleaning your room for once. It was a health and safety risk.
2. Kristen Stewart’s House
- I know this might be true, because I happen to be BFF’s with Papa Stew. True story. Okay, maybe not BFF’s, but we’re tight. Okay, maybe not tight, but his nickname for me is “darlin’”. True story. No, really. On my way out of the Lopez Tonight show in LA, where I was a studio audience member, Papa Stew, who works as a stage manager there, almost ran me over, and said in his surprisingly deep, Johnny Cash-esque voice “Excuse me, darlin’.” So I think I can say with all confidence–based on our close, personal relationship–that Papa would probably let you stay.
- Of course, I think it’s also a possibility that you have your own room at Casa Stewart. Maybe Mama Stew is like my own mother, who recently told me that she would put my visiting brother and his girlfriend in separate rooms. Because, as she put it, “he never told me they were sleeping together.” Sure, he’s my older brother, 38 years old, with his girlfriend of 2 years. Mama Freya doesn’t believe in “confirmed without words” apparently. So Mama Stew may be the same as Mama Freya, only moreso because Kristen is 20. And Papa Stew is a rather tall man who may be nice enough to let you stay, but may not want you creepin’ round his daughter’s bedroom after midnight. He saw that Twilight movie, after all—he knows your tricks. Maybe he’s a Nonsten, even. He thinks you’re just “good friends”. Good friends who sleep in separate wings of the StewMansion.
- Really, I kind of hope this is where you live, Rob. Because then you have constant access to whatever kind of pie (loquat, perhaps?) Kristen is baking up, you have a mama to look after you and make sure you pick your dirty underwear up off the floor and put it in the laundry basket, you have a place for TomStu to chill and play some Playstation with you, and you have a “good friend” (ahem) around to keep you company.
3. Bachelor Pad
- This also seems like a good choice. Your recent choice of ride makes me think you might be living the pseudo-Rat Pack lifestyle. You’ve got the pimped ride (don’t worry about that clutch—it’s tricky). So maybe you have a little retro pad, perhaps on the beach.
- Of course TomStu is your roommate. Just like Peter Scolari and a young Tom Hanks, you’re living the Bosom Buddies roomie dream—with cross-dressing optional. (Are you Buffy and he’s Hildegaard, or the other way around?) (If you don’t know what that’s all about, YouTube it. Classic 80’s television!) Or maybe you’re more like Three’s Company. Tom seems like he might be the Jack, while Kristen is the Janet, which makes you the Krissy! You’re set up for plenty of kooky, wacky, and zany antics. I love antics. Like, I can imagine that Tom is a sleepwalker, and keeps climbing into bed with you, with that hilarious “waking up in the morning” scene. Or maybe you receive a trust fund and spend it all on Hot Pockets and beer. Or Kristen gets amnesia, and Tom makes her believe they’re married. I can’t wait for the episode where a little ethnic kid shows up on your doorstep and teaches you the meaning of love!
4. Youth Hostel
- We know you love a deal, Rob. Just like thrifting some plaid and vintage tees, you have decided it would be savvy to save a few quid and bunk down with other people your age in one of LA’s many fine hostels. You wanted to mingle with other Brits doing the grand tour of the states, and live like they do.
- It’s not exactly like you pictured, however. On the internet it looked like a great beachfront property with clean and well-lit semi-private accommodations. Instead you’ve ended up with an Aussie roommate named “Gazza”, who’s always walking around in his Australian flag boxer shorts with a can of Foster’s in his hand and a semi. He teases you mercilessly about being “that no-ball vampire dude”, calls you “Paddo”, and frequently puts a crusty, dirty sock on the door of your room to indicate he’s found some non-English-speaker to spend the night with, leaving you to sleep on the stained purple couch in the lounge. It’s almost a step up from the bunk beds in the room with the spring that consistently hits you in the small of your back and the plastic-covered mattress that rustles every time you turn over. Really, this going abroad is not all it’s cracked up to be.
- In homage to this website, and to Lula, who came up with this idea to begin with, you’re just cycling through the scenic dumpsters of LA, looking for someone to get it on with. You find that the loyal fangirls you were anticipating, though, are outnumbered by rodents and cockroaches.
Just remember, Rob, if your accommodations are ever unsatisfactory, I’ve always got room in my bachelorette pad. I can scoot over and only take up half the bed. The Heinie is in the fridge, and I’ll leave the light on for you.
Hugs and kisses from your new roommate,
Where ARE you living these days Rob? We’re taking suggestions in the comments aaaand GO! And don’t forget to follow all the lovely and awesome letter writers who are helping us while I’m outtie!
HELP UC OUT after the jump! Continue…
Tags: , bachelor pad, dumpster, Fan letter, home, hostel, hotel, house, Kristen Stewart, Los Angeles, robert pattinson