Every week I tell myself I’m going to have more time to write a letter to Rob FROM myself, but every week it doesn’t happen. I have REALLY good excuses though. Stuff like I got drunk/my cats wanted attentionr/I’m going away for work and am too busy. Plus I started a new career. Just what I need to give me MORE free time to write to Rob. Oh well, here is basically what my letter would say anyway “Dear Rob, where the eff are you besides eating ice cream & buying guitars? Love, UC.” And that’s boring, so Imma let you guys write the letters:
Dear Moon & UC,
I loved–LOVED–the letter last week from MarbleNutSlut (quite a name, btw!) about Rob’s dealbreakers. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Silently, mind you, as I read it this morning at 3am when I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake the whole house up and have to explain why a photoshopped pic of Robert Pattinson with a mullet and jorts was so hysterical…but I digress.
MarbleNutSlut’s letter was so relevant because just last night I went to an Indian’s baseball game with the hubs and we sat next to two guys who, I swear to you, were trying to be the somewhat less grungy, “cooler”American versions of Rob and TomStu. For real. The one guy looked so much like Tom that I kept staring at him and probably creeped him out (I AM a cougar, I don’t know if you’ve heard, lol). The other much MUCH hotter guy ATE.AN.ICE.CREAM.CONE. And omg it almost killed me. He was going to TOWN on this chocolate waffle cone like it was the last thing he was ever going to eat, sticking his tongue inside the waffly bit and….*fans self*…I nearly moaned out loud. So naturally (because it’s TOTALLY normal to live my life with this line of thinking), I immediately wondered to myself, “What would I pay money to see Rob do?” Oh the possibilities! So while one of the most boring baseball games I’ve ever been to went on around me (ok, you caught me, it’s the only baseball game I’ve ever been to), I tried not to gawk at the ice-cream-tongue-f*cker, and made a list…
Things I Would Pay to Watch Rob Do:
Eat an ice cream cone. Naturally. After last night’s performance, I can’t get it out of my head! (UC NOTE: Coincidentally Robsessed is reporting he recently partook in some ice cream)
- Take a shower. I know, that sounds dirty, but I promise it could be a totally innocent shower, even if he doesn’t wash his hair and he just stands under the running water for like 5 minutes, I would still pay money, haha.
- Rock a baby to sleep. It would be so UN-Rob, and at the same time so deliriously sexy (if a man can get a baby to go to sleep, he automatically goes up 10 sex points in my book, lol).
- Smoke a cigarette. ‘Nuff said–who else can make such a disgusting habit so mind-blowingly sexy?
- Play frisbee with his dog. Weird, right, that I would PAY to watch that? But you can learn so much about a man from the way he treats his pet.
- Cook breakfast. I know, I know, in reality Rob probably can’t do much other than open a Jimmy Dean frozen breakfast sandwich and stick it in the microwave. But in the deepest recesses of my wild imagination, he secretly harbors Tyler Florence-style cooking skills and can handle an onion like a pro, haha. Yep, I’d totally pay to watch him make me an omelet!
There’s probably only about…oh, a million more much, much dirtier things I would pay to see Rob do, but I’ll let you all get hot and
bothered just imagining them:-) And now I want to know, what would YOU pay to watch Rob do?
You heard her! What would YOU pay Rob to do? I’d pay him to show up in Philly, maybe placing a flower on the memorial for recently departed owner of the famous Geno’s cheesesteaks! And also to father my children. Or just make children with me. Without the children part…