Banged by the Flash

We recently got a letter from today’s author that actually was just asking us if we’d consider telling you LTR readers about a new piece of fiction she recently wrote that is for sale on Amazon, but I mistook it for a letter to ROB and almost posted it. So I confessed my mistake & Michelle reworked her e-mail to “UC & Moon” to work for “Rob.” And this is the result:

Dear Rob,

I’m about 87% sure that you own a Kindle, and before things get all Stranger Than Fiction and you go and do something completely out of character like, oh, I don’t know, wear a freshly laundered t-shirt, I need to make a confession.

I wrote a novel about you. Sort of.

Let me take a moment to explain.

Rewind a couple years back. March of 2009 two pivotal things happened. One, I saw Twilight, and two I decided to write a book. The book project quickly moved to the back-burner as you managed to infiltrate my computer. Before long you were everywhere, overloading my hard drive with pictures of yourself standing next to a dumpster, buying underwear, or getting out of a cab. I’m still wondering how you succeeded in changing all of my passwords to Spnkrsm-86.

Next, my bookmarks filled with nothing but YouTube links, celebrity gossip pages, and that one URL to my dentist’s website. By the time you hijacked your way into my screensaver, any and all attempts made by me to suppress my growing infatuation were found to be completely and utterly futile. Sure, I tried different things to get my mind off you and your spectacularly coiffed “Edward” hair; advanced calculus, a nice game of lawn darts, C-Span. Nothing worked.

Then, I began to write–a little story about a hobo and a girl who is obsessed with every hot male actor who has ever graced the cover of GQ. I’d like to say that’s where the similarities end, but much like your stellar sense of fashion, the plot only gets more ridiculous from there. I don’t want to give it away, but there’s a magical Jesus Christ action figure, saber-toothed tigers, a pair bedazzled cowboy boots, and some very tasty mango-lemon tartlets. For reals, I’m not making this up.

In hindsight I should have just turned this into fan fiction and called it a day. But no. I actually brought this story to a legitimate writer’s group. And people liked it. Week after week as I faithfully met with “real” writers, all I’d be thinking was, “I really hope these people don’t read Letters to Twilight or I’ll never be able to show my face here again. I’ll be laughed right out of the group!” Finally after a year of writing and another year of editing, I sent this story to agents, like real ones, ones who live in NYC. And there was actual interest. People were asking me to read the manuscript. Seriously, I was as shocked as you are.

That’s about the point where I decided to just put it up on Kindle. I mean, come on, I cannot even keep a straight face as I am typing this. I sound like a lunatic. And having to explain to you why I wrote a book about a girl who falls in love with a guy who resembles “a cross between Teen Wolf and the Gothic Taliban” is probably much easier than having to explain it to some bratty intern over at Random House.

So, Rob, for the bargain rate of only .99 cents you can have your very own digital copy of Banged by the Flash! Just promise not to sue me, mmmkay?


 *Any actual resemblance of my characters to Robert Pattinson is completely fictional. Any resemblance, however, of Robert Pattinson and the weird guy who hangs out in the alley behind The Salvation Army is wholly factual.

GUYS: If Michelle’s book is anything like her letter today, I bet it’s hilarious.. and SO relatable! And it’s a steal at just .99 at the Kindle Store. So check it out: Banged by the Flash [If you’re interested in the book, but you don’t own a Kindle (I don’t have one either) you can download FREE Kindle Apps for your phone or your computer.]

AND we want to give away two copies of the E-book that isn’t about Rob but is about Rob. So Michelle & I will pick out the two funniest comments of the day! So get your funny on!!! Let’s be honest… I KNOW you’ve thought about writing something down before…. and any character you’d write about.. would most likely resemble Rob, too. Right!?

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