Breaking It Down: we’ve been Incepted, Steve Irwin and tucked in shirts

Dear Rob,

Last night I got a few anxious texts and saw a bunch of tweets about you and an alligator. I didn’t know what was going on because my head was spinning to fast with thoughts of Chris Weitz on Twitter to find out. I just knew it’d be something UC and I would end up breaking down the next day. Soooo here we are…

The one where we try to Break It Down without even seeing it

look up Steve Irwin fanart for a good time!

Moon: dude have you seen the “alligator” pic yet? i havent even looked
UC: no! NO idea what it is
Moon: its the vanity fair cover! someone scanned the photos
UC: ohhhh with a hat? alligator!? why!?
Moon: i dont know… that’s what they do in new orleans?
UC: its’ for WFE right?
Moon: maybe he was doing a steve irwin memorial piece?
UC: hahahahhahaha
Moon: im sure he was a huge fan
UC: let’s discuss it before we even see it… pretend to be “Such rob experts” that we don’t even NEED To see the pictures to know the essence
Moon: DONE. we’re breaking it down without even SEEING the material, we’re this good (slash need a life)
Moon: so it’s probably been like what 5 years since the croc hunter was killed by a sting ray, so maybe he loved the show a lot. watched with his fam. and then wanted to do something to show his appreciation to bindi irwin and the fam

A LOT of time passes…

Are we being Incepted?

Moon: are you secretly looking at it?
UC:  yes i couldn’t wait ever since you texted me at 2 am I’ve been thinking about it.i couldn’t sleep, just waiting for this moment when I could look at the alligator
Moon: its true. i knew we would need to talk about it so i refused to look and went back to obsessively tweeting to and about Chris Weitz. true story
Moon: he tweeted a pic of his CUTE CUTE CUTE kid next to THE PANTS (not of the pattinson variety) and i was a goner
UC: NO!! THE PANTS? did he do that FOR US? this is true? or is this a dream? b/c it sounds like a dream next you’re gonna tell; me he has boxers that say DILF cuz that’s also a dream of mine

This is pretty much what's going on in our brains right now, only throw Rob in there too

Moon: maybe we have been Incepted because it was the pants AND Weitz on twitter AND some cute kid AND rob with an alligator… lots of dreams intersecting here
UC: I can’t tell what is a dream or reality. It’s all too good to be true
Moon: somewhere leo knew we needed some Inceptizing in our lives since November – most of February was SO boring
Moon: go to the photo and look at the 1st comment (it’s actually the 4thish now name: lynntribbsomething).  i may have left that….
UC: omg hahahhahahaha
Moon: isnt his kid freaking cute?
UC: omg that kid is cute
Moon: its like a mini chris
UC: put him next to a alligator and Imma goner
Moon: cause that’s safe.

The one where we finally get down to business
Moon: so back to rob…. id just like to add there was NO alligator/crocodiles in YENTL so this reptile is NOT acceptable for this photoshoot. Didn’t they read our initial Breakdown?
UC: Would a lizard be better?
Moon: no a goat or something. yentl is in poland not the swampy south. HELLO VANITY FAIR
Moon: ok so should we look now… OMG THERES A BUNCH! get ready… ok lets start with the cover…

Moon: OMGGGGG!!!!i die. literally i die laughing. im currently dying.
UC: hahha aOMG hahhaa no NOOOO oh poor Rob
Moon: is the hat on sideways?
UC: all the jokes…. I think it’s backwards… he will be RIPPED ALIVE by people who live to rip Rob alive
Moon: i mean his face is hot but theres an alligator near it
UC: this is unbelievable…i mean…. no… he has like.. a ranchers outfit on. that belt… BELT with jeans?? is he 47. don’t tell me he has white sneakers on too
Moon: he has a cell phone on the belt. the jitterbug is in a holster now
UC: his fingernails look manicured. his shirt- it’s too big
UC: who STYLED this???? a 200 year old man?
Moon: I KNOW!!! where’s the tailor?? or the photo shopper?

THIS could have been your cover Vanity Fair!! YOUR LOSE!

UC: photo shopper. STEP IN
Moon: i mean get any manip. creating rob fan on this and you’ll have him shirtless in 5 minutes with a 10pack and an oddly colored body… and tighty whities
UC: exactly. you know how everyone takes off the writing on images, the tags? shirt… gone pants gone. belt ON!!! just keep the belt on photoshoppers. belt on his undies
Moon: shoppers will make the alligator a weight bar for the nonstens and kstew for the robstens
UC: no seriously.. WHO thought this was a good idea?
Moon: ok, HE LOOKS HOT but everything ON him is not hot. it’s a lot of WHY? and is it irony that theres a title line on the cover that reads “the kid who brought chaos to the internet” uhhhhh GUILTY
UC: hahahahah GUILTY! another tagline:  “geeks gone wild” TRUE… geeks wear belted jeans & white tucked in shirts
Moon: so, the whole magazine is about him this month.


Sing us a song you're the piano man

The one where we make a lot of really bad band jokes
ok palate cleanser….
UC: ohhhh hottttt that’s the Robbie we like. Piano. Fitted clothes. No white sneaks
(please photoshop Rob in a pair of super white sneakers… do it to this picture)
Moon: the shirts still too big but he can wet my reed anytime!
UC: hahaha
UC: you’re such a h00r. hahha
Moon: i love the clarinet just artfully laying on top of the piano. WHY? id rather have rag time robbie playing the upright… there’s also half a sousaphone/tuba laying down there. now THAT would be sexier than the cover and white sneakers. rob playing a sousaphone!
UC: YES hahahah ps.. back to the front cover it said something about “Robert Wresltes out of the twilight saga” wrestles so i think the thought was .. he’s wrestling an alligator but… i’d rather see him wrestle a sousaphone or a big ass tuba
Moon: yes
UC: or me
Moon: that’d make for better cover and who doesnt find a sousaphone player sexy?!
UC: i’d really rather see him wrestle me…right. I do
Moon: again with the band jokes!
UC: haha duh dum ching
Moon: think about him wearing the little beret all the sousaphone players wore… big puffed cheeks. twilight written on the side of the instrument… him wrestling it
UC: is it hot in here?
Moon: it is or maybe it’s just the hot air coming from the tuba

The one where we guess what Rob is…

Which way to the petrol station?

Moon: alright lets move right along
on the wrong side of the car again i see…. america is so confusing
Moon: so where do we think he’s driving to?
UC: A zoo or maybe to in-n-out
Moon: a steve irwin museum… maybe bindi irwin’s new live show? to pick tom stu up for a swamp boat tour? on his way to get those clothes tailored?
UC: let’s hope
Moon: Rob’s going to *insert joke i made that shall not be repeated because we like to live and we’ve had enough hatemail to last a lifetime*
id like to think thats really what he’s doing
UC: me too!!!
Moon: seriously
Moon:  i wish i could read the text on the scan better… something about “forget the relationship with kristen stewart – robert pattinson is blah blah blah
UC: Let’s fill in the blank…
Moon: Ok, “”forget the relationship with kristen stewart – robert pattinson is……”
UC: “DTF with anyone”
“IN love with his stuffed alligator?
“A fan of all sorts of reptiles?”
Moon: “secretly president of the reptiles of the world club”
UC: “really into stark white sneakers”

TUCK it in! (you knew I would!)

Moon: “loves to tuck stuff in”
UC: “in love with these two bloggers”
hahaha THE TUCK
UC: “loves to tuck stuff in as proved in Little Ashes”
Moon: “secretly wishing he was chris weitz”
UC: “Really jealous of Chris Weit’z mustard pants”
Moon: “is confused about how real cell phones work”
“is wondering whether he really is team edward or team jacob… they are impressive abs”
Moon: “is wondering how dry cleaning works. if it’s dry and there’s not soap….”
UC: “How the Oscars made him sing a song he never recorded”

Where's cousin Larry?

The one where we almost call this the worst
Moon: alrighty last but defs not least (weird)
UC: waiting for his kosher pickle… he gets one at the end of each day. like SERIOUSLY?
Moon: it’s like Balki got lost at the train station in Mypos…..
UC: his mom… the modeling agent is gonna have a heart attack: “My poor baby has been RUINED” someone deserves to get FIRED over this one!
Moon: he looks mid sentence… she did NOT teach this pose at the barbazon / john robert powers modeling school in Barnes!
UC: no she did NOT
Moon: she taught the “swish and swirl” and the “look, smolder, dazzle” but NOT the “midsentence” modeling pose
UC: amen
Moon: why do these clothes look so hick?! and not even GOOD hick? i could dismiss hick if he were wearing wranglers and boots and was all hot cowboy-ed out.
Moon: WOAH WOAH THERE! i think you’re forgetting zigot rob…. let’s not jump the gun on “worst ever!!” We have come a LONG way. this is may be the ODDEST ever…
UC: hahhaha yes you’re right. sorry. I apologize
Moon: its alright we’re all a bit confused and scared: alligator rassler, rag time robbie, hanging in a car rob and lost hick/preacher boy… what do these things have in common???

Hey guys, I just had the best idea for a photoshoot with Rob Pattinson!

UC: vanity fair, so sure that this issue will be a best seller because it’s ROB, putting forth no effort/money/quality?
Moon: they should know the POWER of a vanity fair photoshoot. i mean it created US!! we started because of their first twi spread/BTS video. and they phone it in with this oddness?
UC: right….. i mean.. this is probably one, if not THE last during the twi craziness…. they end it with THIS?
Moon: he is super hot and i can see why they just feel like anything goes, but still?!  they didnt even get naked girls or bathtubs like Details mag. at least get some local baton rouge “working girls” to spice things up
UC: Breaking it Down Vanity Fair style just changed to Breaking it Down “Down home, alligator wrangling” style
Moon: “breaking it down TUBA style”
“breaking it down belted denim with too large shirt and dad phone style”
Moon: man i think i gotta make a run to the news stand at lunch… across from the chateau marmot… how apropos
UC: i hope Robsten is there making magic
Moon: i hope i can see a glimpse of a bearskin rug
UC: i think you can. I heard that you can see it
Moon: *insert another joke i made that shall not be repeated because we like to live and we’ve had enough hatemail to last a lifetime*
UC: hahahahahhahahahahahah
Moon: i’ll bring my super telephoto lens the one that helps show them holding wrists

Really Rob, an alligator? Weird. But dude those eyes? Like WOAH! And don’t you worry I will trek my happy lil arse BACK down to the news stand again tomorrow to gaze at the chateau for the bearskin rug see if the magazine came in.

RIP Steve Irwin!

UPDATE: According to the news stand guy who called his distributor if you’re in LA you can get Alligator Rasslin’ Rob Vanity Fair TODAY!

So what are your thoughts? Loving the alligator? Asking a lot of WHY’s? But how hot is he?! Those eyes!

Source: Robsessed via epnebelle via Pattinson Ladies

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store


169 Commented

Used clothing is the Pattinson love language

Dear Rob,

So you showed up to Vancouver & barely looked like yourself. What was up with that “I want my MTV” 80s jacket? We had to take a second to break it down vanity fair style :

The Predicament

Moon: Is this Rob? I’m confused. Who is this Rob-look alike in a whole new wardRobe?
UC: Does this Rob wanna-be have an MTV coat on? An 80s vintage coat?
Moon: New Rob is totally vintage 80s. I love it. It’s like he thought MTV was doing a new round of that show “Wanna be a vj” from the late 90s and this is his audition outfit

Rob “The Predicament” Pattinson

UC: Exactly. Or He’s been watching too much Jersey shore & has really wanted to be invited over for “family dinner” on Sunday so he thought by wearing MTV proudly across his chest Pauly D & The Sitch might recognize him & ask him to join them next summer in Seaside Heights
Moon: He wants to be Rob “The predicament” Pattinson

Trouble on the Home-front

UC: And are those new gray pants?

Moon: yes i think they’re new!! its crazy!! WHO IS THIS MAN?? How did the paparazzi even know who he was? Wearing a sweater with a collared shirt under? He looks so clean I bet the paps couldn’t even follow his stench! Has Claire sent a care package of dick’s old “office outfits?”
UC: Yes. I think she sent SHOE polish too. Because while they look like the old favorites they are mighty clean. Or no- Rob discovered the shoe shiney man at LAX airport! He loves it so much that sometimes he buys an airline ticket for him & TomStu just so they can get through security to have their shoes shined. Then they stop by Au Bon Pain, grab a sandwich to go before heading out. Sometimes they even try out the chairs in Brookstone and rent books at the airport bookstore rental place, returning them the next time they come for a shoe shine
Moon: I like this new Rob.
UC: Me too. Grown up Rob. With Clean(er) shoes.
Moon: And he’s traveling without kristen too… WHAT IS GOIG ON?!!
Moon: Vancouver is like bizarro Baton Rouge/twilight world (Everything is reverse for those not in on the superman lingo.)
UC: Uh, superman dork of the day award.

Rob’s really in love here

Moon:Maybe Rob is like the opposite of everything else. When shit goes bad in a relationship he cleans up, starts shining his shoes, buys new clothes instead of falling apart and looking like a homeless person like every one else when they break up. And Happy in love = Hobo Rob. So clean shiny Rob = single * books ticket to Vancouver *
UC: sad, lonely & looking for a fangirl to F*ck= clean-cut Rob. GET OVER THERE
Moon: I’ll ignore that you called me a fangirl cause I’m on my way to the airport
Moon: I’ll tweet pics of his hotel room whilst he’s in the potty
UC: Please do. And his shirt looks purple.. Gasp! is he wearing a sweater over it? Did you already say that??? Did he join Was HE the one who bought the Marc Jacobs cashmere I was trying to get for Mr. Choice last week?
Moon: hahaha. I think it might be from dick’s “blue phase”
UC: was Dick feeling down then? (Like father like son? While there are problems with Claire, he’s classy & clean cut?) or do you mean he WORE a lot of blue?
Moon: I mean he WORE a lot of blue. Dick probably also made a visit after Rob called them from a NEW cell phone that was actually made in this decade- they got worried
UC: Yep… so not knowing what condition they’d find him in (was their real son beaten to a pulp & left to suffer in a ditch in Baton Rouge, and someone new was pretending to be him?) Dick came with a trash bag full of old clothes. Either for the new guy pretending to be their son. Or Rob… embarrassed, naked & broke, in need of clothes.
Moon: Used clothing is the Pattinson love language
UC: They’re so great. I’m jealous you get to be a part of the family. That’s what you’ll be after you bring Rob a bag of your bros old clothes when you head up to vancity to be the one who gets him out of his clean-cut slump
Moon: I will take him back to dirty hobo in no time. Give me a chance. PUT ME IN COACH!!! I got this!!!

You know we love you in love & as a dirty hobo, but we’re liking this new sad, lonely ready for Moon to make you her lover new-used clothed Rob too! Hell, what are we saying- we just love the fact that we’re SEEING YOU!! Keep it up Vancouver!

UC & Moon

What do you think of Rob’s new “look?” Think it’s odd for Rob to be in something as forward as an MTV jacket? Think it would be more appropriate for him to wearing something saying “Get off MTV’s Dick?”

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

114 Commented

Rob Pattinson hits the South

Dear Rob

Seriously? You do nothing interesting for WEEKS on end & then you have to go rub it in my face that my blogging partner in crime & internet wife is out of the country & unavailable by parading around looking like this:

Everything looks better with a 1960s effect from Picnik. You’re welcome

Couldn’t you have done this last week so that we could have breakin’ it down? Cause this picture DEMANDS a break-down. And doing it myself doesn’t seem like the best idea….. but, whatever, here I go:

UC: It’s official. I’ve died & gone to heaven, UC
UC: Why’s that, UC?
UC: Did you SEE the pictures of Rob arriving in Nashvile, Tennessee?
UC: Yes. But BACK UP.. Let’s discuss the fact that he is IN Tennessee. How unbelievable is this? Do YOU know what happened in Tennessee?
UC: Did Dolly Parton’s left boob burst once?
UC: No- YOU went to college there. Dammit. # 1,000th reason why you never should have moved (the first reason is Calypso Cafe in case anyone is wondering)
UC: Dang… I could have set-stalked Rob.
UC: Set-stalked? Aim higher- you could’ve BONED him.
UC: Boned? Did you really say that?
UC: Yes. And after you could’ve introduced him to Calypso Cafe
UC: Yummmmmmm. To both things

UC: Let’s break this down piece-by-piece. First the most obvious thing
UC: Right- that he’s smiling- clearly TN agrees with him. He probably felt my presence from when I was last there.
UC: Probably, but he’s in Georgia here.
UC: Still- I went there once.
UC: Well, I meant the other most obvious thing:
UC & UC at the same time: TWEED
UC: It’s like he knows…
UC: Right..about me and you
UC: well, I meant Me & Moon (And @Calliopeblabs who was with us when we first discussed TWEED)
UC: But they aren’t here, so roll with it, UC- this is Rob’s little message to just you. He wants to get serious. Probably during all the boning
UC: TN, & tweed- you’re right… this is all about me. And his desire to bone me.

UC: Is he wearing fat pants though?
UC: Yeah.. I was gonna say- did he raid Big Daddy’s closet for those?
UC: I mean.. the girth.. of his thighs…. is that just a bag angle?
UC: Either that or he really hit the Southern food hard in his first few hours visiting… I hear those fried pickles can be a bitch on the figure
UC: But they can be a major delight in the mouth
UC: Pickles are always a delight in the mouth

UC: So obviously he’s in tweed for us, but THEN he goes and carries an old fashioned DADCASE!? Where do you even find one of those?
UC: Heaven, obviously
UC: Do you think he put little snacks from his trailer in it before he left to film the scene?
UC: Well, he’s holding a cookie- so I’m going to say that’s a given
UC: I wonder if the hot pocket cheese melted in the sun
UC: It’s Rob Pattinson- boy notorious for never cleaning his hotel room- so I’m gonna have to say that’s also a given… I bet the inside of that beautiful, leather Dadcase is smeared with processed cheese, pickle juice, cookie crumbs & a take-out menu from Calypso Cafe
UC: You have a one-track mind
UC: Rob & Calypso

UC: Okay, I’m about to blow your mind with a new picture of Rob
I doubt it- while he’s been super hot in pictures throughout the past year, I can honestly say my mind hasn’t been blown since the GQ pics oh so long ago.
Just you wait:

Yes I blurred out the picture but made the focal point Rob’s gorgeousness

UC: OMG- I have no words. You’re right- Mind Blown!
UC: The black vest- the white shirt…. the black color hiding what might be fat pants from overeating at Cracker Barrel for lunch
UC: at a time like this….. only one thought is going through my head
UC: How much you regret leaving the south because right now you could potentially be boning that
UC: No… I miss Moon
UC: Oh… me too…

UC and, well, UC

So.. see why it’s SO important I have a blog partner? Otherwise Breaking it Down VF Style would just like this ALL the time! How do you think Rob is looking in the south? And did you see that TV interview with a toothless set-stalker in GA who wants to get down & dirty with ROB?

Don’t forget, Moon is gone for forever (or so it seems- oh yeah- she got to Kenya safely- YAY!) so contribute to While Moon was Gone

Pics from Water for Elephants Film!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

125 Commented

Breaking Down Rob lately… Vanity Fairy Style…

Dear Rob,
We’ve missed breaking you down. We haven’t discussed the Water for Elephants pics as much as we should have and that’s a tragedy. So guess what we’re doing today? Yep- you got it. Breaking Down some recent pictures of you, Dean & Reese Witherspoon, Vanity Fair Style!

Dean is Back

UC: You know the first thing I’m thinking. Cause I know you’re thinking it too.
Dean is back. Where WAS he? and does he have a tan? It looks like a new buzz cut? It’s nice and short? did he…. MEET A GIRL?
Moon: Dean’s been sitting out at all the football practices Rob has been attending. He finally earned his letterman jacket this season
UC: Dean takes pictures and will make a scrapbook OR a powerpoint slide show for the end of the season banquet at Hoss’ Steakhouse
Moon: And whenever Rob goes for a tackle, Dean steps in. Dean can take down anyone. Twihards OR high school linemen
UC: I mean.. he looks thinner…. The football has been good to him
Moon: Rob might actually be scouting for college ball. SHHH dont tell


UC: Our secret. LONG BEACH STATE makes a lot of sense now- he’s playing ball for them. He’s over this acting thing & really fell in love with the LA area
Moon: who needs acting when you can smash some heads for a couple seasons?
UC: He wants to settle down.. raise a few “juniors” of his own… coach the pee wee football league.
Moon: Dean’s liking the change of pace too. He has all the under-armor shirts. All he needs is the coach shorts

UC: You know what the second thing I’m thinking though is, right? What is this A sign language instruction site? A place where Rob goes freely to sign autographs- he begs people to let him sign things? He makes videos saying “Please let me sign your breasts and your T-shirt with my face on it”
Moon: That’s the obvious second thing to think about this picture

UC: Sigh… I’m not sure I’m into “I’m working on the railroad” Jacob Jankowski, but dayummmm I’m into “Eff me while I’m in my suit” Jacob..
Moon: Seriously. He’s pulling out all the stops here
UC: If he tap dances I might lose my shit, and I wasn’t aware I was into tap dancers
Moon: he may serve the drinks to Reese Witherspoon’s character but he’s still hot
UC: You need to read the book! Cause i don’t think that’s what happens. In fact, i have no idea why this scene happens.. i don’t’ remember it at all
UC: What!? You don’t want to know that after working a hard day on the railroad Jacob Janko relaxes by going downtown to perform onstage with a tap dancing troupe!?

Lick, lick

UC: It’s his guardian angel… I think when Dean disappeared he hired this guy
Moon: His shadow!! That’s cracking me up! Never walk faster than your guardian shadow can follow
UC: I have a feeling… Rob was running from it- like.. he didn’t know..I can see him being like “Dean!?” is that you!? then starting to run…. while the shadow follows him. I’m gonna cut out the shadow. And do something awesome with it. Hump it maybe
Moon: Do it quick. Someone’s gonna sell that shadow on Etsy.
UC: Yep. On a popsicle stick.

Much, much more, after the jump! Continue…

91 Commented

The Best of Robert Pattinson (aka: I can't get through Monday without this)

Dear Rob,

Never stop being you, k?



Thanks for reminding me of this amazing video, Myria!

Oh why the hell not? I’m feeling generous, and it IS a Monday… Part 2:


Thanks to Joy, the amazing creator of these two vids!

People have been begging us to “Break Down” the DVD commentary “vanity-fair-style.” Literal BEGGING has occurred- tears have been spilt, promises have been made…. so we gave it a whirl this past week. See how it turned out after the jump:


1,598 Commented

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