The Apprehensive Twi/Rob-Spy susses out a possible Rob/Twimom

So it’s happened- for the first time EVER both of us are away & without the interwebs. While Moon is completely disconnected in Africa, UC is only in South Carolina… but her vacation home doesn’t have internet- SERIOUSLY? What kind of freakin’ vaca home 2 blocks from the beach with a pool IS THIS? (Said while Moon is serving selflessly the neediest of children & orphans in Kenya) This week instead of hanging up a “Gone Fishin’ ” sign, we are bringing you some fan letters, some fun & games & a simple week. So rest up as we do too and we’ll be back with you in full-force next week! Oh- pending comments will be approved but slower than usual- Moon has to send me a carrier pigeon from Kenya then I use a morse code to hack into the Pentagon & route their servers to LTRs to approve your perviness. Don’t worry- the president probably won’t see. So rest easy while we’re away. You’re in good hands today- our soulmate Heyyybrother writes you a letter!

Could she be a secret Rob fan?

Dear Rob,
Last weekend, being the good daughter that I am, I went to visit my mom for the afternoon and spend some quality time with her.  Ok, ok… I was really taking advantage of her pool, air conditioning, and laundry facilities since I have none of the above in my apartment, but a little QT with Mother Dearest was an added bonus.  So there we are, sitting by the pool chatting, when the conversation starts to slow down.  I grab my iPod and pick up my copy of Water for Elephants to entertain myself with, when suddenly my mom says “Oh!  They’re making a movie about that book!  Someone…famous…is in it.  I can’t remember who……”  Now, you might think this is no big deal, but my mother is so clueless when it comes to all things pop culture; she has literally no reason to know they’re making Water for Elephants into a movie.  Unless… no, can’t be…

Maybe it’s a fluke?  Maybe she just saw something about it on Access Hollywood while flipping through the channels?  That’s what I thought, or at least hoped, at first… Until later that night when we were watching a certain Harry Potter movie on TV and suddenly she gasps “IT’S EDWARD.”  Crap.  SHE’S A TWI-MOM.  This is bad.  Real bad.  Assuming she is a true blue Twi-Mom, surely I would have noticed this sooner?  … Or would I have?  I don’t live with her, when we talk it’s usually about the latest family dramz, and, quite frankly, I’d sooner talk about sex with her than Twilight.

Is that the special Twilight boxed set I see?

So, instead of doing the sane thing and just flat out asking her if she has a creepy hobby where she spends her time stalking a handsome star younger than her own children, I figure the only option is to do some reconnaissance.  Commence Operation: TwiSpy.

We’ll start with the obvious things first:
– Check the bookcases for books.  Does she have a special Collector’s Edition?  Does she have a extra “lender” copies?  Journals? Movie companions?  Twilight Manga?
– Check the dvd storage knowing full well that she hasn’t purchased anything since “Christmas with the Kranks”, so if she has Twilight or New Moon, she’s already too far gone.  Don’t forget to check inside other, unassuming dvd cases, in the event she’s cleverly stowed her ROBSESSED disc inside The Passion of the Christ.
– Check the closet for a Team Edward t-shirt, excessive plaid, or an abundance of blouses with shoulder pads.

From there, we’ll move onto more obscure things:
– Check her browser history.  Has she bookmarked every Twi-Mom site out there?  Is she a member of the Twi-Mom’s facebook page?  Has she bookmarked a dozen sites with Twilight  Party ideas?  Is there a red bathmat bookmarked on her Target.com wish list?
– Check her iTunes library.  How many soundtracks does she have?  Any Bobby, Marcus or Sam would be a dead giveaway, especially considering she hasn’t playing anything other than Michael Bolton, Yanni, Kenny G, and Clay Aiken in years.  If she has any Brit-Pack music AND shoulder pads, there’s a good chance Janetrigs has drunkenly harassed her one Friday night.
– Check the bathroom to see if she’s switched exclusively to strawberry and freesia-scented products prominently featuring glitter.

Is that your mom over there?

Truthfully, I’m afraid of what I’ll find if I go digging.  There are dark days ahead.  Allow me to apologize now should my mom ever show up on the sidelines of one of your premieres with a glitter-puffy-paint sign declaring her love for the sparklepeen.  I just pray that, if she is a Twi-Mom, she never discovers that I like it too.  It’s only a matter of time before she has us all holding apples for the next Christmas picture.  In which case, the next site you’ll see me on will be AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

The Apprehensive TwySpy,
HeyyyBrother

Are you following our awesome contributors? Well you better be following Heyyybrother after you read today!

And yes, that is my (moon’s) mother up there in that puffy paint shirt, you’ll remember her letter here. Have you had to become a Twi or Rob spy to suss out a friend or family member’s true allegiance?

and you know what…. even though LTR will STILL be around this week, why NOT hang a “Gone Fishin'” Sign? Especially if it looks like this:

Submit your While Moon was Gone entries!

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68 Commented

Open Weekend Post hosted by: Keisha and all our favorite Rob’s

(Keisha welcomes the weekend for us with a special poem about all our favorite Rob’s through the years! Happy Weekend! xo, moon)

Dear Rob,

Why do we love thee?
Let me give you a glimpse in this Ode to RobP.
Let’s start by taking a look at your early work, shall we?
This isn’t in much order but please bear with me.
(Gotta put in THEY’RE NOT BEARS or UC & Moon will kill me!)

You were such a goofy dude as Art in How To Be
And portrayed a great artist when you played Salvador Dali.
You wore a rainbow sweater and again were so dorky
When you were in that movie about teen pregnancy on BBC.
There was that movie where you smoked like a chimney,
Laid around, and the spiders were way creepy.
You were even in a movie about that Potter boy Harry
Was it fun to be a wizard when you played Cedric Diggory?

THEN there was this director named Cougar Cathi
That was doing a movie about a book by Stephenie.
I’m sure you had no clue your life was about to be so kookie
When you were auditioning… on a bed… with a handheld video cami.
You played this “teenager” named Edward C
Did I mention that you were a vampire with a bouffant and were sparkly?!
Who had one fiiiiiiine faux Daddy
Played by none other than Peter Facinelli!
Now females yell “Edward Cullen, Bite Me!”
And scream in your face like they’re all bat-shit crazy.

I, myself, was a little late to the party
But last May I finally saw Twilight On Demand in HD.
For weeks I was glued to YouTube like it was Thursday Night Must See TV
For never before had I enjoyed hearing a grown man giggle and say “Lit’rally”.
I rushed out to Target and bought the Twilight DVD
And for that I have just one word: Commen-freaking-tary!

Now I say things like OME!
And smile when I see Volvos that are silvery.
Just to see your cardboard face I will walk repeatedly
In front of the window display at the mall’s FYE.
I even own an Edward lunchboxie
And trust me, I am not in Grade Three.
I, too, think Hot Pockets are pretty darn tasty
And am waiting for my chance behind a Dumpster with The Pretty.

Your life has been invaded by so much paparazzi
Who will do just about anything to take pics while you’re tipsy.
You sure know how to have a good time with Heine
With your best mates Tom, Marcus, Sam, and Bobby.
I will scour the Interwebs for hours to see
Pics of you in the sacred gray shirt of Stoli.
God forbid you forget to wear a hoodie
Or go outside without your trusted dark beanie.
The jeans had better be button-flied, blue, and holey
And I won’t turn away if you show a little mantie.
I swear your hair tells you “Don’t wash me!”
The girls really swoon when it’s all wild and messy.
Deep down we’re all hoping that you aren’t really smelly
And that we won’t get run off by Dean/Steve, your Security.

Everyone noticed you’re a pretty talented hottie
Especially when you strum your guitar and sing all mumbly.
Thanks to you some now think smoking is again way sexy
And you even have a segment called Robert is Bothered on Jimmy!

We REALLY love when you pose for mags like VF and Gentleman’s Quarterly
Even if you’re picking corn out of your teeth or wearing a horse blankie.
Sad Rob makes us sad and white, button down shirt, skinny tie Rob fills us with glee
But I’m not sure the world got the joke about your “allergy”.

It was time for you to do another movie
So off you went with a DILF to the Van-city.
While you were there you turned 23
And KStew’s life became a little less spicy.
But that had nothing to do with you, right Baby?!!
At least that’s what the execs at Summit try to tell me.

After that wrapped you went to New York City
And shot a somewhat different film called Remember Me.
There’s this guy named Tyler and a girl named Ally
I don’t remember much after the scene with spaghetti.
That’s a big fat lie cause then you get sweaty!
It was a crazy summer; some fangirls got rather fugly
For that I’m sorry and I really hope you didn’t get hit by that taxi.

You went back to the ‘Couve but there wasn’t much we could see
So we all settled in and waited impatiently for the eve of November Twenty.
A movie at midnight was a first for me
And you weren’t even in half of the damn movie!
But a little of YOU is better than none so 4 more times I would see
You in Grandpa’s tweed with a left nipple that’s a little wonky.

Your next project is/was Bel Ami
Which appears to have you with lots of Time comma Sexy.
THIS is full of Box Office WIN, trust Me
And I had no idea that 1890s Paris looked like present day Hungary.
Soon you will be in Cali shooting a movie about watering Rosie
Your love interest has played your Mummy
No, that’s not at all Uncle Rob creepy.
And your competition, even though he was a bad Nazi
In Inglorious Basterds, “That’s a Bingo!” is still pretty damn funny.
Team Rob will become Team JACOB Jankowski
Oh, the irony!!! Or not so much really….

After that… probably…. uhm…. most likely… maybe?
Will be the conclusion of Twilight with BD.
It all depends on what the director can do with CG
Did you know you’re going to have a weird ass baby???
What steps are you taking to become a Daddy?
I mean…. What steps are you taking to learn how to ACT like a Daddy?
Please be careful and get some freaking chemistry
You have no idea how much we are looking forward to Fade to Black Isle Esme.

But before that there’d better be a Leg Hitch in Eclipse we see!
Or the Fandom will revolt on this June Thirty.

Good Heavens this Ode sure is rambly.
And I haven’t even mentioned Pattinson Pant Lady!
In conclusion, Rob, we’d also like to thank Moon and UC
For showing us this acute fondness is not crazy, That’s Normal-cy!
XOXO – Me
But you know me as Keisha when I get all Commenty

Happy Weekend!!!

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44 Commented

Rob MIA from Eclipse International Press. Why? He’s got a GREAT reason!

Don't worry about me guys, too busy stuck in this doorway to head to other countries

Dear Rob,

So either you got hella lucky by scheduling a film during Eclipse press time or you have Summit by the balls because you haven’t had to leave my fair city of Los Angeles to travel the world and schlock Eclipse like Taylor and Kristen have. And they can’t give the New Moon excuse of you being more of a peripheral character so you’re not as integral to the press for the movie cause Edward is all up in this one, like a Twihard at a 100 Monkeys show or an LOD-er at a Britpack show, or Ascot Phil in Bobby Long’s biizzzznnnaaaassss. You get the picture.

So I’m gonna go with the latter. You tell Summit how high you want to jump and they say ‘that’s perfect Rob! We’ll send over a fruit basket and keg to your undisclosed location in the woods/hotel/car park of In-N-Out.” Well, work it dude cause the more you stay here in LA the more that gives me opportunities to “run into you” and also it saves me a TON of time because now I don’t have to watch interviewers from Germany awkwardly ask you about your alleged relationship with Kristen and you don’t have to spin it into a story about body odor or male pregnancy. THANK YOU! I truly owe you a lot for this.

I now have a lot more time to pour over the hours of Stephenie Meyer interview tapes or try to figure out how to hack into your parents GPS system so it routes them right to my front door. They’ll have a lot of fun, trust me. I have a bbq grill and enough scrapbooking crap to last 10 lifetimes, what more could a Mom and Dad want?

Who knows what you’re up to cause if you’re not with me or in my presence I don’t want to think about it, cause having you within the same city limits as me and not knowing where you’re at is maddening. Really, what could you be doing? You haven’t been seen anywhere, shooting anything, doing anyone… that is until today when this picture surfaced from a new photoshoot…

If THIS is what you’ve been up to instead of heading off to foreign lands than NEVER LEAVE AGAIN! PLAY ON SIR… PLAY ON!!!!!!

If you haven’t already made this your new computer desktop wallpaper than now is the time… don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Off to find this dried up patch of land with a brooding Rob in it! Peace out bitches!
Themoonisdown

So what’s Rob been up to since we last saw him at Leno? Besides stalking UC and me at the SMeyer interview… How quick did this become your new wallpaper? Why do you think he’s not traipsing the world promoting Eclipse?

New hottness photo from Robert Pattinson Life

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95 Commented