Posted by unintendedchoice on June 18th, 2010
Dear Rob, we don’t care about you today because our dreams are coming true over on LTT, but snowwhitedrifted cares! Well, she cared enough to write US about YOU!
Dear UC and Moon,
Last week I saw the film, “Get Him to the Greek.” The plot: Jonah Hill works in the recording industry for PDiddy. Diddy sends Jonah to London to fetch his idol, rockstar Aldus Snow, for a one time only show at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles. Hilarity ensues. An interesting premise. Spending time with ones idol. Hmmmmm, definitely sounds like a letter. So……
What if Stephanie Meyer were to ask you two to get Rob to the Eclipse premiere? I think it’d go something like this:
SMeyer: Thank you for meeting with me. I have long been a fan of your blog(s) and I’d like you to help me out with something. Rob is avoiding Summit. He’s a bit of a wildcard and has been reclusive ever since his non-girlfriend decided she just wanted to be “friends” (without benefits). He’s been holed up in TomStu’s London flat and hasn’t been cooperating with his team.Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to fly to London and get Rob to the Eclipse premiere on the 24th.
Moon: (squeeing and hyperventilating… on the inside, “Take that Lainey”) Let’s see if we can fit it into our schedules.
UC: ( I’m a married woman, I’m a married woman, I’m a married woman. Damn this has to be my mantra, calm down, act nonchalant ). Who is this Rob you speak of? Does he play sports?
Moon: Yes, Steph we’ll get him here for you.
*Outside Steph’s office, windows in skyscrapers are shattering all over the city due to the insanely high decibel level of fangirl screaming.*
UC: Why do you think she chose us?
Later that evening. UC has to break the news to Mr. Choice. He decides to let his wife live the dream, and use her “get out of (jail) marriage one night pass” if the opportunity should present itself.
They arrive at TomStu’s flat, and knock on the door. Surprisingly, it creaks open and they step inside to find the Brit pack, enjoying a rousing game of strip poker. And apparently they have all lost. Well, Rob still has a t-shirt on, but he had the unfair advantage of starting the game with 14 shirts on. TomStu is wearing boybriefs on top of his head, no one is surprised, they just wonder if they are in fact, his. It is quite a party that Moon and UC have happened upon. The men see Moon and UC.
Moon (in a weird fake British accent): Cheerio blokes!
UC (whispers to Moon): Dude, we’re not British speak American.
Moon (whispers back): Sorry, I got nervous-they’re nekkid after all, hello!
UC: We’ve come here to…
and the girls explain their mission. It is clear to see why Rob doesn’t want to come back to L.A. He is having … FUN. FunRob is here, in this flat, not in the presence of co-stars or press. The pack pleads Rob’s case stating that he “has to stay in London and party his ex and the paparazzi out of his system.” Rob slowly walks over to Moon and UC, still pants-less, and it is clear that he is not just Big in Japan.
Rob: This is where I belong. I don’t want to face the music. I just want to write it, here, with my mates.
UC: Rob, your fans love you, you need to be there for them.
Moon: …and they’re paying you.
Rob: I know, it’s just so difficult. The same questions, the same items to sign, the same Pattinson pants. And I’m out of Dep. Also, I don’t want to see ____ (she whom shall remain nameless). But, interestingly, that’s kind of on the back burner now that you two are here. Say, you do look familiar. Have we met before? Put on these blindfolds I got from the Detail’s shoot, I just want to try one thing.
(countdown to flight: 4 hours 59 minutes)
UC: Nope, that wasn’t us (wink wink) but really Rob, we need to leave.
Rob: Don’t you want to stay here for just a little longer and have the time of your lives?
UC (thinking- I’m a professional I can do this, resist, resist)
Moon (thinking-I want to lick him).
Rob suggests a stop at the pub for a (quickie) quick drink before they get on the plane, to take the edge off. He has a fear of (elephants in airports) flying. Moon and UC see through his guise, of getting them tipsy so that they miss the flight and are unable to return to L.A., but they decide to play along. After all , they are seasoned professionals with extensive backgrounds in cock-tailing. Their plan: Moon and UC will out-party Rob until he is so sick of London, he begs to go back to L.A.
Rob: We need to avoid the paps. You two need to de-hot your American selves. Here Moon, put on this beanie.
(he places beanie on Moons head while staring into her eyes and gently brushes a tendril of hair behind her ear. Moon’s knees buckle but she keeps it strong.)
Rob: UC here is a hoodie for you.
(Rob attempts to zip up UC’s hoodie, but the zipper gets stuck, conveniently right at the chest region. Rob lingers there for far to long, fumbling with the zipper and “accidentally” grazing boobage for a conspicuously long period of time. Damn, he’s good.)
UC, Moon, Rob and The Pack visit a local pub and sit on the patio. The surrounding bushes are peppered with paparazzi snapping away. TomStu moons them.
(3 hours 26 minutes to flight time)
After that they go to a local, seemingly normal club, but weird fans come out of the woodwork. Blond twins in Union Jack bikinis want to do shots off of Robs’ (nob) ear (ear?). A Queen Elizabeth type transvestite wants Rob to juggle his/her 3 poodles (what?!). There is an S&M dude that wants to be whipped by Rob and his entourage.
Rob: See how weird it gets?
They go to a smaller pub.
(flight time 2 hours 30 minutes)
Game of Truth or Dare. Secrets are reveled and dares are met. It is a good time overall. Then, TomStu asks Rob, “Where do you like to be kissed” Rob, disarmingly and inappropriately (trying to win the ladies over) looks at UC, slowly eyes her all the way down then back up again, smiling. He then turns to Moon and says, “thighs” with a twinkle in his eye. Being the always eloquent and humorous lady that she is, she perfectly retorts with, “mmmK.”
Their ladyboners are taking over, Rob is winning they are getting closer and closer to staying in London.
(take off in 1 hr. 32 minutes)
and then UC snaps out of it and pulls out the big guns.
UC: Rob, truth or dare?
UC: Demonstrate the infamous leg hitch on me.
Rob smiles, pulls UC close, grabs her long leg and hitches it up on his hip while kissing her neck. She is enjoying it immensely, but, so is he .UC shouts to Moon, “Do it!!!!!”
Moon then, seeing Rob in a weakened state, blinded by hotness, unbuttons her top and stares at Rob. He stops, mid hitch and walks toward her with UC still in his grasp. Moon backs up and keeps going until she reaches the car. Robs eyes are kalediscoping over leg and boobs. he follows blindly into the car. When all are safely in, Moon shouts to the driver, “to Heathrow!”
Rob: Damn (not really), you got me. Oh and I’m not really allergic. (wink wink)
*On the plane. Rob opens up.*
Rob: What did you really think of Remember Me?
Moon (No, not this question): Well it definitely made me want spaghetti
UC: Were any walls harmed during the shooting?
Then he goes on about random things: the beauty of Helsinki (although he’s never been there), the fandom, red Sharpies, living in a fish bowl surrounded by pasz, co-star drama, Adirondack chairs, woman’s handbags and soup.
Rob: It’s a hard job.
UC: Yes, but you make people happy by doing what you enjoy.
Moon: Millions of husbands are grateful to you for being Viagra for women. When men get some, they are happy. Happy men= less violence. Therefore, you, Rob, are getting us closer to World Peace.
Rob: Uhh, interesting. I am really grateful. I do love my job and I am glad to be getting back to it. Thank you, for helping me realize that. But you know, heavy is the head that wears the crown and it’s lonely at the top. Speaking of lonely, and you ladies are so lovely… Say, would you two be interested in a 3…
UC and Moon (DAMN!!!!!!!): Rob, we’re landing.
(thinking again DAMNNNNNNNNNN!!!)
Back in LA. just in time.
Rob: I need you to (un) dress me. My stylist is gone.
UC: Yes, sorry to hear that.
*Stylist’s ears are ringing as she is tied up in LTR/ LTT headquarters.
They roll up to the premiere, all three shined up and camera ready. Rob steps out of the limo and waves to a roaring crowd. He is glowing and happy as he remembers that these are the people he is doing it for. It’s the fan’s night as much as it is his. He helps the ladies out of the car and says, “Thank you for this. I am happy to be here. I owe you one.”
Moon and UC: We’ll get back to you on that one, Rob.
*note, apologizing in advance for “the rapists” caption
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