Independence Day | Letters to Rob

We celebrate 4th of July with Rob like it’s 2009

Posted by unintendedchoice on July 4th, 2011

Dear Rob,

This is our 3rd 4th of July together. We’ve shared with you how to play volleyball & grill the proper hot dog (well, sorta), taught you about proper Independence Day attire (shirtless with a US Flag bandanna around your hair) and even instructed you on how to set off fireworks without a trip to the hospital (okay, we didn’t do any of those things, but we really hope to some day), but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, compares to what we told you in 2009 on the 4th of July. So because it’s been two year and you probably forgot (and also because I have an EPIC 4th of July party to go to in about 15 minutes called “You’re Welcome America” and I have no time to come up with fresh content) I give you our 4th of July from 2 years ago:

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Dear Rob,

Happy 4th of July from your favorite Americans UC & Moon! I know this day isn’t a very happy one in British history since our country beat your country’s ass in a war. But I think we can work through it. We can turn it into a little game. I (UC) went to college in the south and some people don’t seem to be over The Civil War yet (I understand- it was recent- mid 1800s..) They called me a Yankee. Wtf? I never even heard the word “Yankee” till I went to college and found out that apparently I am one. (Yankee= from the north… I think… any southerners wanna help me out?)

We had good times in college, pretending with my friends that we gave a damn about a war fought so long ago. We’d be walking to class and I’d pass a friend from Georgia and I’d say, “I’m gonna getcha in Gettysburg.” And then he’d say, “But I’m gonna win in Spotsylvania!” It was a hoot!

So whadayasay? Should we do something similiar to what I did with my southern friends in college? Like, I can call you up and say, “Yo Limey- put on your red coat and get over here to celebrate the US signing the declaration of Independence from your country” And you’d come over, wearing your red coat because you’re such a good sport, and I’d be in my blue coat. And if you bring me some tea I could say, “Hell no! I don’t want your tea. I’m gonna dump this tea overboard into the waters in Boston.” Imagine all the jokes we could make..

Or we could forego all the history ideas (cuz seriously those 4 things above took me a 1/2 hour to look for on wikipedia) and just celebrate the 4th of July the good ol’ American way- hot dogs, hamburgers, deviled eggs, volley ball, watermelon, throwing up on the volley ball court because you played too soon after eating the hot dogs, hamburgers and deviled eggs, refueling after your purging with more hot dogs, a dip in the pool, playing Born in the USA 100 times and then switching to your mix of Lee Greenwood, Bruce Springstreen & Toby Keith. And capping off the night with an amazing backyard firework display where this phrase is usually heard: ‘Shit… they didn’t go off. Someone go see why. No you go. No you. GET THE FOUR YEAR OLD AWAY. We will never do this again. These are supposed to be foul-proof fireworks! Get Uncle Joe- he’ll check it out” and Uncle Joe does check it out. And then the rest of the night is spent in the ER, with Uncle Joe, who has a black hand and is now completely bald as opposed to half-way bald. Oh and don’t forget to wear a flag somewhere on your body (looks like Moon took care of that for you- cute!)

4thofJuly_LTR