Rob’s bodyguard, Dean, is cheating on him

Dear Dean the bodyguard,

We received a frantic* e-mail from Bea this morning that said:

Not only do I think of Twilight every time I pass an Olive Garden, but I go to look at pictures of Jennifer Aniston violating the Vatican dress code and recognize the bodyguard. “Hey, Dean’s in Rome!” And, sadly, that’s more interesting to me than Jen’s knees.

And how in the world does someone have time to be a bodyguard to both Rob AND J Aniston? Does this mean Rob is on a long vacation in a truly private vacation spot, and you were relieved for a few weeks? Did he hitch a ride up to the space station when Dragon went to deliver supplies to the space station recently? (<– Look at me. Hip on current news)

How does Jen compare to Rob? I bet the snacks are healthier. Does she really drink Smart Water that often? Are the fans crazier? Ever encounter a crazy fan trying to hit her with a fake Angelina leg? Does she even let you drink beer or eat anything over 425 calories?

Does Rob ask details after you’re back serving him? Do you call it “serving?” Do you feel comradery with Carson the Butler on Downton Abbey? Do you ever accidentally refer to it as “servicing him” when talking to Kristen & she shoots you a dirty look while you & Rob crack up? Was Rob happy with the ending on Friends? Was he rooting for Ross & Rachel all along? How pissed was he when they named their TV daughter Emma, taking a gorgeous old-fashioned name & guaranteeing that everyone born after 1998 will have at least 57 Emma’s in their graduating class?

These are important questions, Dean.

Inappropriate!

Love,

UnintendedChoice

*Bea wasn’t frantic at all. But clearly I am. Or I had too much coffee. Or I just really miss Friends. That’s it. I’m starting at Season 1 tonight & will watch all 10 years all over. I’ll let you know how it goes. SEVEN

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Robert is #5 on the freebie f@!K list! Only number 5…

You're gonna need a cigarette after these ladies are done with you

Dear Rob,

We’ve talked about ‘the freebie list’ a lot around here. You know the list that couples have of people they could sleep with and it’d be ok because that person is on the list? Well Some site polled a bunch of bored ladies at home and work and the results are in. You’re… (drum roll please)… number 5 (crickets). Yea, looks like you’re not everyone’s cup of tea but you did beat out the Fresh Prince AND Ashton Kutcher. By a measly 3% but I choose to believe these ladies were either high on toliet bowl cleaner fumes or entertaining their inner Demi. I mean Ashton Kutcher? You should have beat him by like 100’s of percentage points. He made the trucker hat infamous.

1. Brad Pitt – 69% – I guess ladies like to think of hot, humanitarian, father of 234929347234, meet Joe Black, Brad Pitt and not Benjamin Buttons baby Brad Pitt. To each his own I guess.

2. Johnny Depp – 67% – Well DUH. Who doesn’t like pirates with questionable personal hygiene?

3. Gerard Butler – 66% – Have you SEEN that picture of Gerard giving Jennifer Aniston “the shocker” from the Bounty Hunter premiere? I think you ladies might want to rethink this one since Gerard seems to be into the no go zone.

4. David Beckham – 63% – As long as he didn’t speak.

5. Robert Pattinson – 61% – As long as he brought Tom Stu along…

6. Ashton Kutcher – 58% – For reals?

7. George Clooney – 57% – How the HALE isn’t he number 1? Or number everything?

8. Justin Timberlake – 54% – All my wildest high school fantasies come true with JT

9. Will Smith – 52% – I’d be too worried about Tom Cruise showing up “unannounced” for a little personal one on one “e-meter reading” to follow through with this one.

10. Hugh Jackman – 51% – More Wolverine less Boy from Oz.

Even the CLOONSTER didn't beat me?

When you can compete with the likes of REAL men like the Clooney, the Pitt (ew, the pitt?) and The Depp  you know you’ve arrived. Or maybe you know that your PR team is on their shit. Or maybe you just know that Stephanie Ritz’s assistant was ordered to vote 23942390472354 times or until their laptop exploded to get you to number one all by themselves. Since you landed at #5, clearly the assistant was fired. Should have bribed the Robsteners with an “exclusive photo” (read: Rob and Kristen in their Bella and Edward costumes with a fireplace in the background.) to insure that Rob won. Amateur.

Next time Rob, next time! Like they say… Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you’ll land among the stars. REAL stars. Heh.

Themoonisdown
Where’s Rob on your freebie list? Who’s ON your freebie list? Ashton Kutcher? 😉

Read it over at Robert Pattinson Life but can’t find a permalink to the original post

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87 Commented