The end is here. We’re here for you Rob

Dear Rob,

We heard the news. And we’ve been preparing for years as we figured one day this would come (but to be honest… we kinda figured you’d mess it up instead of she-who-should-not-be-named (we’ll call her that in case hearing her name is too hard. Also because you were in Harry Potter)) So last night we broke the glass on the Break Up Kit. And we’re excited to share what is inside:

Gosh I miss 2009

First: of course there’s a Hot Pocket Fort. Big enough for the 3 of us complete with a small microwave– a necessity for what’s next on the list

The entire stock of Costco’s Hot Pocket Freezer. We bought them back in ‘2009 but those bad boys have enough preservatives to get us through 2015

There’s a KEG of Heineken chillen’ in my beer fridge. Sad times call for much more than a case of beer can ever do.

The Brit pack are here with their guitars tuned and voices warmed ready to serenade you with whatever you want. (Yep, they’re in our Break up Kit) Looking for something upbeat? Marcus is on it. How about an ol’ Bob Dylan tune? Bobby’s got you covered. And Sam’s even brushed up on the DMB catalog in case things get really rough.

Next up is a stack of print outs from Bigtits.com since we know you much you love them (and haven’t had access for a few years)

Michael Oregano’s phone # in case you want to swap stories.

She’s ready for you

In case you want to get dangerous to numb the pain, we’ve even got Tiffanized on speed dial. You’ll remember her as Rob’s M.O.M (Match of the Month back from February 2010) No one could ever forget the sexy woman who posed for you like this <—-

And of course there’s us: UC & Moon, Noreen & Bunny… the girls there to dry your eyes. We’ll let you call us whatever you want because this is our day to celebrate YOUR DAY. And we’re here for whatever your needs are. That’s right– vegetarian for 12 years, but I’ll even try the Pepperoni hot pocket. Cat lover at heart but I’ll walk Bear. Can’t understand a word you say when you sing, but I’ll sing a long to the new song you wrote.

Really. Whatever. You. Need

Hang in there,
UnintendedChoice (with theMoonisDown)

PS: Rob we have some chloraseptic… you know what that’s for

GUYS: WHO CARES?? EXCEPT WE DO BECAUSE TWILIGHT JUST GOT FUN AGAIN!!!!! YAY FOR SPECULATION & RUMOR! 

161 Commented

Fandom you do not disappoint

Dear Fandom,

You do not disappoint. What has it been, 12 hours?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkjeqsZCwXg]

When are we gonna see a video with Sia’s “Breathe Me?”

Love,
UnintendedChoice

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30 Commented

Dirty Dancing or just Dirty?

Dear Rob,

Some person at Kristen’s friends Dirty Dancing party took a picture of you guys looking scuzzy and it “magically” made it’s way onto the nets via the super reliable Hollywood Life. First off you both look like the “before” picture of cast members on Celebrity Rehab or maybe those homeless teens on Venice Beach with the mangy dog and the dreads selling hemp necklaces. You know the ones (sad). Either way, it’s not good. It just makes me think the inside of the “palatial pad” in Los Feliz (yes, we all know now) looks like that picture of Whitney Houston’s bathroom or maybe you just have a couple lawn chairs set up in the living room in front of the 90 inch tv that came with the house but you can’t find the remote to.

Quick, someone to the Photoshop machine!

Second, if you’re going to a theme party can we at least pretend you sort of put two seconds of thought into your “costumes?” If you’re going to be Johnny or even just a random greaser may I suggest some tight ass black pants, dance boots, and a pompadour wig? Best lady friend who gets a botched abortion for 200 bucks in an alley named Penny, optional. Kristen is like half way there, though I doubt this was on purpose. All she needs to do to complete the look it pull the bottom of the shirt through the neck hole (we’ve all done it), throw on a curly wig, carry a watermelon and talk about going to Mount Holyoke in the fall… or maybe the peace corps. It’s more wholesome 50s and less hipster dbags. Seriously guys, this is easy.

I brought a spiked watermelon

I expect a little more effort when you come to my Dowton Abbey themed costume birthday party this year. We’re talking Morning jackets, tweed hunting coats, HAIR, dress TomStu up in a Chauffeur costume and have him drive you to the party in the “motor.”  Plant Sam Bradley in someone’s bed as dead Mr. Pamuk. Really, this is the level of commitment for a costume party that me and my friends expect. FYI.

No one puts Rob in a corner… well maybe they do if he looks like that…
Themoonisdown

PS Tell your friend this costume has nothing to do with Dirty Dancing. That is a Hipster denim diaper. Have you people even seen Dirty Dancing?

PPS Remember these AMAZING videos from forever ago?? Suddenly seems perfect…

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36 Commented

EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT: ROB IS AN ENABLER

Dear Rob,

Our friend Bethany (I hate when blog friends become RL friends because then I forget their blog name. Oh well) sent us a super important piece of journalistic work entitled:

Robert Pattinson Enables Kristen Stewart’s Potato Chip Habit

which claimed that you talked to the SUN newspaper and shared that you bring back the Space Raiders “crisp” for Kristen every time you return to the states from England.

Because there is absolutely nothing on God’s green earth to write about I am, too, a fan of chips, I had a few thoughts:

1. Why are you talking to the Sun. About chips? Did they mess up their “Source” again and actually mean that one deranged, crazed aunt who is no longer to come to family get-togethers? (The same aunt that leaked your baby pictures?)

2. No American girl, with all the delicious, greasy, baked/cooked/fried/whatever you want chips available at her fingertips (or at the local 711) would ever choose British “Crisps” over our fattening favorite. Trust me. I’ve had your “chips.” And they’re not good. Neither are your English Muffins. They don’t taste like the ones Thomas makes. And don’t get me started on the Hob Nobs. I forget who, but some amazing blogging friend sent us some. And they were gross. We may have pretended to like them at the time because it was so thoughtful of our friend, but we were lying. They tasted like elitist cardboard.

3. Have you & Kristen already hit that point in your relationship where you go away for a few weeks and all she can think of for you to bring her home is something you can pick up at Heathrow right before you board the plane?

4. Do these “Crisps” help when the munchies hit? You know the kind…

5. Whenever a tabloid newspaper approaches you or your aunt in the future, instead of providing some ludicrous story about chips, could you instead just pose like this:

The SUN Peeps: “Rob Rob ROB! Before you go, can you just tell us a little tale about what you’ve been up to lately.”

You: “No, but I’ll stand here and look so sexy you’ll drop your crisps all over the street.”

More posing and less talking about chips. Thanks, love

Xo,
UC

HELP A SISTER OUT (Literally)

SPEAKING of Chips, my sweet little sister who ALSO loves chips, but the normal American kind (I have 3 little sisters- this is the 2nd youngest), Rachael, is currently in Costa Rica working for a non profit called Abriendo Mentes. I’m not really sure what she’s doing but I know she goes to the beach daily, catches tarantulas in tupperware containers & occasionally teaches English to kids and then tweets & blogs & runs social media for the organization (I’m so proud!)

For the next week there is a GREAT online store called Fresh Words Market with really cool products & prints giving 50% of each sale directly to Abriendo Mentes. If you need a gift- for you or someone you love or maybe even hate- buy it from this store because #1 they have great stuff and #2 it will help a great cause & #3 my sister will be really happy with me. And I’m kinda afraid she’s gonna send me that tarantula through the mail if I don’t get her some sales.

Shop Fresh Words Market for a Great Cause!

Thanks to Robsessed for that hot as crap pic of Roberto

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26 Commented

Rob “Britain’s Shame” Pattinson goes out with a non-male friend

Hear ads? Yeah, sorry about that. It happens. Mute them by hitting the volume button. Two in the side. One ALLL the way at the bottom.

Dear Rob,

Yesterday you were caught with someone who wasn’t a man friend. And we KNOW that’s against the rules. You were called “Britain’s Shame” by Oh No they Didn’t. Are you THAT bored with your one non-man friend out of the country that you’d risk being branded as a cheating man-whore? WHY was there not more than 12” of space between you and that semi-attractive home-wrecker? Isn’t that rule #72? And doesn’t rule #8 stipulate that if you HAVE to go out- and something tells me this enthusiastic guy was the reason you left the house cause who can say no to THAT face- then the girl must NOT be hotter than a 2.5. And she’s DEFINITELY a 6. Possibly a 7.

Have you heard what they are saying about you online? In the comments on Pop Sugar ALONE there were things like this:

Ashaa said:

SHAME PATTINSON, POOR KSTEW

and Oni2 chimed in:

once a cheater always a cheater, and Kris just said she could never be with anyone that cheats on her. This is going to be very bad..

user 1278698 said

false, hypocritical, untalented actor, miserable traitor, disloyal friend, liar, deceiver ………………… disgusting!

and then ashaa chimed in again:

MICHAEL ANGARANO IS MUCH BETTER FOR KRISTEN, THEY SHOULD GO BACK

Are you going to take that? I’ve already set up a username for you User: 1345679 (password: SHAMED) for your rebuttals. And next time you’re approached by an enthusiastic guy, tempting you to join him and, not one but TWO non-male friends, here are some things you can do instead:

• Vacuum the bear-skin rug. I KNOW there are some sort of fast-food crumbs matted into the hair

• Knot all Kristen’s Tshirts so she has one less step to do in the morning

• Compose new love songs to play after your next skype sex session

• Continue teaching Bear to say “I love you”

• Start to teach jella to say Kristen- or to use the toilet. Train her to stay OFF of the Bear-Skin Rug 

• Put together your beer tree

• Finish your unpublished love sonnets for Kristen- call Stephenie Meyer for some advice on getting published.

• Go to the Target Photo center with Bear & Jella to get pictures together as a surprise for Kristen. Bonus- use them as Christmas cards & send them to your parents, TomStu & Nick & Stephanie.

•  Go to all the Twilight fansites and thumbsdown anything that may be even slightly offensive towards KStew (You have that username I set up for you!)

• Put on a play with the dino nuggets for your secret youtube account

• Distress your new $80 plaid shirts so they look like they came from a thrift store

Disclaimer (Do I have to ???): I don’t think Rob is a homewrecker or a shameful person. And I don’t think that girl is a slut or a 6. She’s probably an 8. I DO think that Rob makes his Dino Nuggets talk.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHY WAS ROB WITH ANOTHER GIRL? HOW COULD HE? OH MY GOSH. WHAT REASON WOULD HE EVER HAVE TO BE WITH ANYONE WHILE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY? I MEAN, HE COULDN’T BE WORKING, RIGHT? OR, HE COULDN’T HAVE FRIENDS OTHER THAN KRISTEN OR THE BRIT PACK, RIGHT? AND HE COULDN’T JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND AWAY FROM THE CAT AND THE DOG FOR SOME BREWS, RIGHT?

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79 Commented