Dear Kristen,

It’s your birthday and Rob wanted to get you something special. Of course he was too busy, so he sent us out to get you this following list of items. Oh, and this Rob porn above was made especially for you… shhhh don’t show Oregano.

Happiest of Birthdays,
Moon and UC (on behalf of Rob)

Gifts for Kristen’s 16, 37 uhhhh 19? Birthday

• Screening of Little Ashes hosted by myself in Dali wig & ‘stach, giving special commentary whilst doing THE TUCK

• Three shots of whiskey (for her first drink ever, since the legal drinking age in Canada is 19) followed by a “special hug” with a special smoke (while D’Angelo plays in the background.)

• Couples massage… (call to make sure NReed is avails)

• Signed Rob Porn (above) sent to Kristen c/o Oregano’s address. (heh heh, that should get him)

• Two MORE nights that are… “productive“

• Navy knit cap, just like mine

• 2 more weeks of California time for Michael Oregano and Nikki Reed. (This will help ensure two more productive nights as mentioned above)

• Gift basket (shrink wrapped to ensure freshness) including new bong and “smokables,” brownies, and gift card to IHop

• Private performance of Kings of Leon’s “Soft” covered by yours truly. Please print out a lyric sheet highlighting the following:

• (This gift’s more for me) Some sort of memory machine/time changer so I can forget the things I’ve done with a girl born in 1990. Never mind that she’s legal and I’m only 3+ years older than her, I still feel like Chris Hansen is gonna show up any day with Dateline NBC…

BIG thanks to JBell for the b-day reminder and The Quad for the help. And to Michael Oregano… cuz we think you might need a hug today… 🙁