These “Confessions” make me wonder, laugh and worry

Dear Rob,

Oh hey… long time no see. I heard you left your hidey hole to make your way to jolly old England this weekend, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. You see, as you probably don’t know cause you have a life and I sure hope you don’t troll sites when you’re bored, there are these two tumblr’s called Robsten Confessions and Nonnie (Nonsten) Confessions. Which, as the name would suggest is confessions from Robsten and Nonsten folks. Now I pretty much die laughing, nod my head a lot, or shake my head when I go there because I think 4 things…

1. These are REAL
2. These are NOT real and Robsten and Nonsten fans are now totally self aware and this blows my mind
3. Robsten fans are sabotaging Nonstens by sending in fake confessions. And vice versa. They do this shit to incite each other
4. These are HILARIOUS!

Rob, do you know your fans spend this much time on you and your relationship?

Robsten Confessions

I sometimes wonder if you guys even car or if you “plan” this stuff.

This makes me rethink the last (almost) three years of my life if this is “destiny.” Do you believe in destiny Rob or was this just what happened because your mom was a model agent who sent you on a Harry Potter audition call?

Wow, let me introduce you to a few things that register higher on my prayer list…

“Breath Me” will do that to you….

Really?

This would be one of the sabotage ones I was referring to…. because “less hobo-ish?” that’s pretty much a backhanded compliment, right?

What’s gonna happen when all this is over? I worry about stuff like this because they won’t be in the spotlight 24/7 like now and as much as we have loved and enjoyed Rob, Kristen, Taylor and Twilight, and we are thankful for how it helped a lot of us (us included) out of some terrible funks, it can be a crutch and I hope everyone remembers this is a happy moment in their life and moves on to do great things! (*wipes a tear*)

SECURITY!!!

PLEASE GOD, if you love us, make this so!!!

Dear God I hope not because this just makes me wonder about how much of these “confessions” from both sides are really deep personal issues and ideas people are wrestling with and fans have just projected what they want onto you and Kristen, when no one knows you.

Case in point.
This makes me sad.

Nonsten Confessions

It wouldn’t be Twilight (or the story we all fell in love with) without Taylor or the love triangle he creates.

Do you ever feel the same way for Van Morrison, or your friends music, or even KOL just because you went to their concert?

Now that you mention it…. hmmmm…

Does it bug you that some of your fans (us included) sometimes think or wish you were gay?

They aren’t. Reading the books reminds me of this.

After all this how could you not be confused. What’s real, what’s not. Is it really “smoke and mirrors” like Kristen says or is it a real relationship? At the end of the day why do we care that much? And THAT is the most interesting question to me.

I just hope some day there’s a tell-all book or True Hollywood Story and we finally learn what really happened. And I hope it’s so boring. I truly do, I think our imaginations about your Rob, are way more powerful and interesting than the real thing. It’s probably part of the reason you like being an actor, you like telling stories… stories that are usually fiction.

These are my confessions,
Themoonisdown

All images from: Nonnie Confessions, Robsten Confessions

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Breaking It Down: While I was gone Robsten came out, he wore plaid and we were NOT surprised

Dear Rob-

I’ve been away from you for over two weeks and I know you’ve undoubtedly cried yourself to sleep every night, drowned your sorrows in a few cases of beer and even flown to Montreal thinking I said I would be in Canada and not Africa. Oops tiny mistake on your part. But alas I’m back and I’ve missed SOOO much but UC and the crew here have kindly filled me in but as luck would have it I made it home just in time to Break Down THE PICTURE from what is now being dubbed Moantreal. Yea, you’re up there kissing on ol Stew. Some welcome back. THANKS A LOT.

The one where they just won’t let us forget
UC: okay well, should we DO this!?
Moon: YES lets DO THIS… so what the HALE has been happening since I’ve been gone. I’m mildly interested.
UC: ha…i’m barely interested…well,i feel like i need to research to remember what happened last week and since it’s SO timely i feel like we need to just discuss the biggest news since Taylor found out he resembles an Alpaca….The Robsten kiss outside of a Montreal House party
Moon: oh god im already sad… outside a house party?! they really are forever 17
UC: otherwise known as……. “I always open mouth kiss my lover before heading into a party- oh wait look there’s a photographer oops i hope they didn’t catch me!” Otherwise known as… They knew the photographer was there.
Moon: otherwise known as everyone was starting to forget about robsten/twilight/new moon/eclipse/throwing money down the toilet and making summit rich, LOOK THERES A CAMERA!!
UC: and.. Moon this is the best part you can see TOM STU standing there. THEY MADE OUT in front of TOM STU!!!
Moon: They ARE stuck in high school! this is what happens parents when you let your children be actors too soon. they miss out on formative things like making out in front of a house party in high school and now theyre forced to do it while the world is watching
c

UC: Now let’s clarify lest the Robsteners call us those who think Robsten is a PR-ploy…. I do NOT think that. I do however 100% think they knew there was a camera there. NO ONE OPEN MOUTH KISSES before going in a party.. and in front of Tom stu… unless you’re over it and want to be caught
UC: so.. good for them… they’re OUT. and I don’t know about you…. but I felt the magicness emanating from their open mouth kiss
Moon: i still have not seen the open mouth party kiss. should i open it now?
UC: oh you haven’t seen!? omg this will be epic yes. please Open…. if i Had time I’d make you a video… with the pictures and the hallelujah chorus playing but… that would take me 3 minutes and i really don’t have 3 minutes to give to robsten from here on out known as “open-mouth-kissing-sten”
c
c
The one where I finally see IT
Moon: wait what are all those dots?! did some crazy robstener pop out from a bush nearby with confetti and threw it into the air when they started kissing?
UC: yes, that’s exactly what I did. i Mean what they did
Moon: then a disco ball fell from the ceiling, a publishers clearing house person walked out with a big check and kool and gang played Celebration?
UC: And it started snowing. IN august that’s what the magicness does changes the seasons
Moon: THATS the power of robsten
UC: effs with Mother Nature
Moon: and their magicness… they ARE mother nature
Moon: wow this is was underwhelming
UC: hahhaa sorry- did I build it up too much?i mean.. .can you actually tell that there is liplocking? or are they just holding each other close? teaching tomStu how to do it- there’s a girl inside he’s hoping to get stuck in the closet with for 7 min. in heaven
Moon: its just not what i imagined… but i guess real life kissing cant compare to the fireplace and the bearskin rug in my fantasies, i mean the lemony fan fic i write, i mean the delusions in my brain

follow the cut as we figure out if they’re kissing or not, what kind of camera the paparazzi were using and what fabric is only allowed to touch Rob’s skin
Continue…

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Robsten: A Twilight DESTINY!

Dear Robsten,

Moon & I were catching up on an episode of “the Soup” last night and did a DOUBLE TAKE when we were fast-forwarding a commercial for an E! special airing TONIGHT. We rewound it right away, hoping what we thought we saw was true and thankfully, we were NOT disappointed. Tonight, on E! at 8 pm, they are airing A Twilight Destiny where ALL the secrets of your forbidden love affair will be revealed and it will be confirmed that ROBSTEN ARE OFFICIALLY ON!!!!!!! Apparently people STILL care (other than me & Moon- who care the most)

We are really looking forward to finding out ALL the juicy details of your love affair. We assume you confess to Ryan Seacrest? That’s what we always knew you’d do. You act all private & secretive, but when it comes down to it, you just want to tell a cheesy, short celebrity all about how you make each other feel. We hope you get really detailed- Do you do it on a brown bear skin rug or do you prefer a black bear rug? CHRISTMAS IDEA ALERT: Rob you should get Kristen a polar bear rug! I hear the soft white skin is gentle on the ass.

And what about type of log you use on the fire you make love in front of? Do you use one of those duraflame starter logs to get going or do you wait for the newspaper to catch on fire after striking a match?  Were you the British equivalent of a boy scout, Rob, and do you prefer the tee pee or cross to start your fires? Or do YOU start the fire, Kristen? You seem the boy scout type. What do you guys do on California’s no burn days? Do you just find a nice channel on TV that shows a fire burning or do you guys use candles? What’s your favorite scent? Pine to remind you of the pacific Northwest & where it all started?

Speaking of where it started: we’re excited to find out the exact details you share with Ryan Seacrest and all the wonderful people at E! Online. How exactly did it happen? Are the rumors true, Rob, and at first you were just screwing around with Nikki Reed (until you discovered the itchy, red spots?) and you got super jealous, Kristen? When exactly did you break it off with Oregano? What was it exactly that drew you to Rob versus Oregano? You have seen the pictures right? Your ex is kinda a carbon copy of your current flame. How DID you discover how fun it was to make love in front of the burning embers of a fire? Did your dad tell you when he brought you up a stash of weed one weekend, Kristen? Was that how he & your mom conceived you?

We’ve always thought it was the moment when you guys were reading Breaking Dawn together in one of your hotel rooms, to better understand your characters, that you locked eyes after reading the phrases:

“Inside me, something had yanked the opposite direction. Ripping. Breaking. Agony….. Pieces of me shattering, snapping, slicing apart …. “The placenta must have detached!”

and realized, “This is our story- this is the story about us” We can one day have our own Renesemee.

Yes, the magicness began that night. Your Twilight destiny was sealed once you realized what your love could create- a baby with the looks of Rob Pattinson & the scowl of Kristen Stewart.  A baby who likes both cats AND hot pockets. A baby you can pawn off on it’s Godfather, Taylor Lautner, on those nights when you want to strike a match, light a duraflame log and make love on your brand new panda bear-skin rug. (A gift from us, of course, congratulating you on BECOMING OFFICIAL!!!)

Congratuations!
UC & Moon

SOOOOO are you excited for E! to share absolutely nothing new with us tonight on their Twilight Destiny special? Are you excited for them to show the same old pictures & tell the same old stories that everyone has already heard and for the believers to consider it MORE proof, the haters to say “THEY HAVEN’T ADMITTED IT SO SHUT THE EFF UP” in caps lock on twitter and for the rest of us to have a great laugh & a major eye-roll!? WE ARE! We will, of course, be out on an EPIC evening of dinner at the Kogi truck, plus a Sam Bradley show, plus the midnight showing of Eclipse, but you KNOW we’ll be up till 5 am watching all the “proof” E! has created to get sukers like us to watch their special! We can’t wait!!!

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