Rob is a rumored Oscar contender and Grammy nominee, Daytime Emmy and Nobel Peace Prize contender. Right.

Oh hey, just me, future Oscar nominee

Dear Rob,

Today I clicked on a tweet promising me set pictures from Water for Elephants and I was greeted with picture of you in a tux and clip on bowtie (tsk tsk) but I was also greeted with an opening line of “Rumored Oscar contender Robert Pattinson…” UM wait a second?! HOLD THE PHONE. Rumored Oscar contender? Did I miss something here. Were you in a movie that was worthy of Oscar buzz? I’m pretty sure the Academy will laugh in the face of anything Twilight because so-called real movie critics love to hate on it. And well we all know Remember Me had it’s moments of not so greatness. And then there’s Harry Potter, but I’m pretty sure the Oscars are given out on a yearly basis and as awesome as ruddy-cheeked Cedric Diggory is, there’s NO way you’d be nominated for that. SO my only assumption can be that this is a rumor about Water for Elephants.

Yes, the Water for Elephants that is CURRENTLY still in production. Who knew about a month into filming that you could already be getting buzz for award season TWO years from now, because if Water for Elephants comes out in 2011 that means it won’t be eligible till 2012! So you can see why I’m quite surprised. This got me to thinking… what else could you be rumored to be nominated for in the future that we don’t know about yet…

  • Robert Pattinson rumored Grammy Award nominee for his rap album “Bros before Hoes” with the chart topping singles “Drivin’ Dirty,” “Some call it Bitchface, I just call you a bitch,” “Drop it like a Hot Pocket,” and collaborations with NAS and a posthumous duet with Biggie Smalls “It’s all about (Summit’s) Benjamin’s.”

Beauty school drop out, missed your midterms and flunked Shampoo

  • Robert Pattinson rumored Tony Award nominee for hisr role as Teen Angel in the Grease Revival on Broadway in 2025 after your career wanes, your bald spot can’t be covered up you get kicked off the judges panel on American Idol and your Grammy Award winning music career tanks.
  • Robert Pattinson rumored 2040 Daytime Emmy Award nominee for his role on Days of Our Lives as Jake Storm the new guy in town with a checkered past who comes into Salem and sweeps Sammy off her feet against Roman and Marlena’s pleas for Sammy to be careful. She has the kids to think of now after all. Will Beau and Hope be able to escape the blizzard and make it to the shot gun wedding in time to warn Sammy about Jake? Or will the dastardly Stefano finally ruin the Horton’s good name forever?
  • Robert Pattinson rumored Pulitzer Prize winner 2015 for his investigative journalism into the sweat shops behind the Hot Topic and NECA retailers that produce Twilight merchandise. A tribute is paid to an especially moving portion of the piece introduces us to Johnny, a 9 year old boy who is tasked with putting the pea coats on Edward Cullen action figures.
  • Robert Pattinson rumored Nobel Peace Prize winner of 2012 for his work in helping bring peace between Team Edward and Team Jacob and Robsten and Nonsten. Your work at the negotiation table between the opposing sides was awe-inspiring, vindicating and impressive. Not many people would mediate talks between these camps without a flack jacket on.

So it looks like you’ve got a full career ahead of you, if these rumors are true. My only hope is that someday you win “Best of Show” at the Westminster Dog Show for your award winning English Bulldogs that you and TomStu breed on your country farm.

Rumored Best Blogger Ever (in her own mind) nominee,

Does it seem a bit soon to be calling Rob’s turn as Jacob Jankowski in Water for Elephants a contender for the Oscars? What about the Tony’s or the Nobel Peace Prize? What else should Rob be nominated for?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

95 Commented

The Notorious R.O.B. – Rapper, actor and white boy lays down the rhymes

Dear Rob,

We know about your love of the Hip Hop and NWA and now you’re saying you convinced yourself when you were younger that you wrote Biggie’s music…

Now, I’m all for some fantasies but for realz? You’re a white boy from London…  nice, middle class London at that, pretty far from Bed-Stuy Brooklyn. But I get it, I love BIG too, Juicy is one of my favorite songs of all time. So I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and take a closer look at some of BIG’s music to see if you really could have in fact written it… let’s take a look shall we, I translate in parenthesis…

Straight outta 8 mile

Big Poppa

To all the ladies in the place with style and grace (HOLLA LTR!)
Allow me to lace these lyrical douches in your bushes (um no.)
Who rock grooves and make moves with all the mommies (TwiMoms!)
The back of the club, sippin Moet, is where you’ll find me (they ran outta Heine)
The back of the club, mackin hoes, my crew’s behind me (no really, Dean/Steve is behind you. It’s part of his contract)

ladies with style and grace? Um DUH that’s us. We also big booty hoes, but he’ll get to that later. I love that he’s calling out Dean/Steve here. Dean/Steve’s got his back like chiroprack. He gets really creative with the next verse…

Soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind (you’ve got NO game and possibly cheap!)
And ask what your interests are, who you be with (do you possible like books about vampires? Did you come to this bar with friends you met on twitter or a blog?)
Things to make you smile, what numbers to dial (do you have a Jitterbug?)
You gon’ be here for a while, I’m gon’ go call my crew (TomStu)
You go call your crew (LTR girls)
We can rendezvous at the bar around two
Plans to leave, throw the keys to Lil Cease (nickname for Dean/Steve. Cease and Desist you crazy Twihards!)
Pull the truck up, front, and roll up the next blunt (you’re bad at driving, we know)
So we can steam on the way to the telly go fill my belly (Srsly, you’re hungry a lot)
A t-bone steak, cheese eggs and Welch’s grape (Breakfast Hot Pocket Steak and Eggs)
Conversate for a few, cause in a few, we gon’ do (you ran out of stuff to talk about)
What we came to do, ain’t that right boo [truuuueee]
Forget the telly we just go to the crib
and watch a movie in the jacuzzi smoke l’s while you do me (hot tub store shout out, UC!)

B.I.G. or R.O.B.?

And neeexxxttt we have…

Been ‘Round The World

Been around the world and I I I
And we been playa hated [say what?]
I don’t know and I don’t know why
Why they want us faded [ahehe]
I don’t know why they hate us [yeah]
Is it our ladies? [uh-huh]
Or our drop Mercedes [uhh, uhh]
Bay-bee bay-BEE!

This is pretty obvious, it’s a diss track on all the dudes who hate on you and call you Edward Cullen and say shiz about your hair and being a p*ssy vegetarian vampire. They’re haters and it’s because you’re getting mad ladies for ALL over the world! Look at this blog you get more action here on a daily basis than Kellan at a TwiCon.

Now let’s hit probably the most damning evidence of all… my fave Biggie song: Juicy, after the cut

90 Commented

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