Open Weekend Post hosted by: Keisha and all our favorite Rob’s

(Keisha welcomes the weekend for us with a special poem about all our favorite Rob’s through the years! Happy Weekend! xo, moon)

Dear Rob,

Why do we love thee?
Let me give you a glimpse in this Ode to RobP.
Let’s start by taking a look at your early work, shall we?
This isn’t in much order but please bear with me.
(Gotta put in THEY’RE NOT BEARS or UC & Moon will kill me!)

You were such a goofy dude as Art in How To Be
And portrayed a great artist when you played Salvador Dali.
You wore a rainbow sweater and again were so dorky
When you were in that movie about teen pregnancy on BBC.
There was that movie where you smoked like a chimney,
Laid around, and the spiders were way creepy.
You were even in a movie about that Potter boy Harry
Was it fun to be a wizard when you played Cedric Diggory?

THEN there was this director named Cougar Cathi
That was doing a movie about a book by Stephenie.
I’m sure you had no clue your life was about to be so kookie
When you were auditioning… on a bed… with a handheld video cami.
You played this “teenager” named Edward C
Did I mention that you were a vampire with a bouffant and were sparkly?!
Who had one fiiiiiiine faux Daddy
Played by none other than Peter Facinelli!
Now females yell “Edward Cullen, Bite Me!”
And scream in your face like they’re all bat-shit crazy.

I, myself, was a little late to the party
But last May I finally saw Twilight On Demand in HD.
For weeks I was glued to YouTube like it was Thursday Night Must See TV
For never before had I enjoyed hearing a grown man giggle and say “Lit’rally”.
I rushed out to Target and bought the Twilight DVD
And for that I have just one word: Commen-freaking-tary!

Now I say things like OME!
And smile when I see Volvos that are silvery.
Just to see your cardboard face I will walk repeatedly
In front of the window display at the mall’s FYE.
I even own an Edward lunchboxie
And trust me, I am not in Grade Three.
I, too, think Hot Pockets are pretty darn tasty
And am waiting for my chance behind a Dumpster with The Pretty.

Your life has been invaded by so much paparazzi
Who will do just about anything to take pics while you’re tipsy.
You sure know how to have a good time with Heine
With your best mates Tom, Marcus, Sam, and Bobby.
I will scour the Interwebs for hours to see
Pics of you in the sacred gray shirt of Stoli.
God forbid you forget to wear a hoodie
Or go outside without your trusted dark beanie.
The jeans had better be button-flied, blue, and holey
And I won’t turn away if you show a little mantie.
I swear your hair tells you “Don’t wash me!”
The girls really swoon when it’s all wild and messy.
Deep down we’re all hoping that you aren’t really smelly
And that we won’t get run off by Dean/Steve, your Security.

Everyone noticed you’re a pretty talented hottie
Especially when you strum your guitar and sing all mumbly.
Thanks to you some now think smoking is again way sexy
And you even have a segment called Robert is Bothered on Jimmy!

We REALLY love when you pose for mags like VF and Gentleman’s Quarterly
Even if you’re picking corn out of your teeth or wearing a horse blankie.
Sad Rob makes us sad and white, button down shirt, skinny tie Rob fills us with glee
But I’m not sure the world got the joke about your “allergy”.

It was time for you to do another movie
So off you went with a DILF to the Van-city.
While you were there you turned 23
And KStew’s life became a little less spicy.
But that had nothing to do with you, right Baby?!!
At least that’s what the execs at Summit try to tell me.

After that wrapped you went to New York City
And shot a somewhat different film called Remember Me.
There’s this guy named Tyler and a girl named Ally
I don’t remember much after the scene with spaghetti.
That’s a big fat lie cause then you get sweaty!
It was a crazy summer; some fangirls got rather fugly
For that I’m sorry and I really hope you didn’t get hit by that taxi.

You went back to the ‘Couve but there wasn’t much we could see
So we all settled in and waited impatiently for the eve of November Twenty.
A movie at midnight was a first for me
And you weren’t even in half of the damn movie!
But a little of YOU is better than none so 4 more times I would see
You in Grandpa’s tweed with a left nipple that’s a little wonky.

Your next project is/was Bel Ami
Which appears to have you with lots of Time comma Sexy.
THIS is full of Box Office WIN, trust Me
And I had no idea that 1890s Paris looked like present day Hungary.
Soon you will be in Cali shooting a movie about watering Rosie
Your love interest has played your Mummy
No, that’s not at all Uncle Rob creepy.
And your competition, even though he was a bad Nazi
In Inglorious Basterds, “That’s a Bingo!” is still pretty damn funny.
Team Rob will become Team JACOB Jankowski
Oh, the irony!!! Or not so much really….

After that… probably…. uhm…. most likely… maybe?
Will be the conclusion of Twilight with BD.
It all depends on what the director can do with CG
Did you know you’re going to have a weird ass baby???
What steps are you taking to become a Daddy?
I mean…. What steps are you taking to learn how to ACT like a Daddy?
Please be careful and get some freaking chemistry
You have no idea how much we are looking forward to Fade to Black Isle Esme.

But before that there’d better be a Leg Hitch in Eclipse we see!
Or the Fandom will revolt on this June Thirty.

Good Heavens this Ode sure is rambly.
And I haven’t even mentioned Pattinson Pant Lady!
In conclusion, Rob, we’d also like to thank Moon and UC
For showing us this acute fondness is not crazy, That’s Normal-cy!
XOXO – Me
But you know me as Keisha when I get all Commenty

Happy Weekend!!!

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44 Commented

Open Weekend Post: Rob’s “mom” wears jorts

Dear Rob,

First off, I must apologize to you. I watched the paparazzi video of you in Malibu, but in my own defense, I was researching an article about you having a car accident and I only watched the video out of concern for you. It made me sick. But then I got to wondering why I felt so nauseous, and I came up with a few reasons for my reaction and I would like to share those with you:

A. The video was so abusive to you by the paparazzi that I was appalled.
B. You actually went to the cinema with an older woman that was wearing jorts.
C. Kristen isn’t paying enough attention to you since she’s off filming her new movie, and you knew of course how she hates the pap’s, so you planned an altercation so that you could get some Kristen sympathy.
D. Your agent is trying to create press for your new movies. OR
E. You just wanted some cougar touch.

Which lead me to these conclusions:

A. The pap’s are sleazy a-holes and should be horsewhipped. That’s how we handle sleazy a-holes in Texas. You should come hangout here with me. We could have an interesting time whipping Paps. We could start a P&M club. I’ve even got the whip…and the handcuffs, and the slutty black dominatrix outfit, the thigh high black patent leather boots….Oh sorry I got sidtracked for a minute.
B. You just wanted some touch from an older lady. Which I can totally understand. Everybody knows that older women are better lovers. (Refer to exibit A of this section for proof)
But….if the cougar is wearing jorts, no makeup and is not doing anything with her hair, then she isn’t into you. Sorry. If you’re yearning for some hot cougar stuff, contact UC & Moon- they have my info. Seriously. Everyone, even strangers, tells me I look like Liz Taylor in that movie Cougar On A Hot Tin Roof…no sorry that was Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. Imagine Liz in all the stuff I mentioned in section A…………..Again, Moon & UC have my contact info.
C. Kristen, please call Rob. He’s reaching out in the most pathetic way.
D. Surely you would have already fired an agent that is that stupid.
E. I refer you back to B of the reaction section. Again, Moon & UC have my contact info.

After sorting all of this out in my mind, I decided that the Paps really were being mean to you. I can’t tell you how impressed I am that you took a stand. (We’re all about taking stands in Texas, you know with the Alamo and all.) You kept your composure and behaved like a gentleman, (by the way Thanks Mom Pattinson for rearing such a fine young man.) Even when that lame woman leaned in your car window and offered you no help whatsoever, you were still nice to her. Even when the cops didn’t do anything to help you, you were still nice.

You can call me Claudia

Here’s what I think, from now on before you go out again, call your sisters and ask them if you can borrow some of those clothes that they used to dress you up as a girl. Borrow that Bella wig from Kristen and carry the Dadcase, no scratch the Dadcase, too obvious- get yourself a 1988 Ford LTD to drive around town, and don’t forget to borrow that bra from the set of Remember Me that didn’t work as a vanity patch. You’re gonna need to stuff it and make you some boobs. That way no one will recognize you except for me, and I love my man in drag. Of course it may be a little bit embarrassing arriving to a party dressed that way, but I think after the last Paparazzi invasion, people will understand.

LOL and YeeHaw!
Your lonely sex kitten…..no.
Your everlasting older woman lover….no
Debbie does Dallas….closer
Let’s just go with P&M Mamma

Check out the picture of Stephanie & Robt from RPLife which has one of those hard-coded titles from the company that owns the rights- and it is titled “Rob Pattinson & his Mom” Poor Stephanie!!

After the jump, a Saturday Delight! Continue…

53 Commented

Open Post: Hosted by Robert Pattinson, all man!

Dear Ladies who love Rob-

Rob would like you to know, via this video, he is a man! ALLLL man. Enjoy.

XO,
Your faithful servant

Dear Rob,

Thank you for contracting this lovely fanvid maker to try and help convince us that you are in fact, a man. We’ve called you gay and fey and bumbling and bromantical and everything else but we see your game now. You just want us to respect you and stop calling you names. You’re a man baby and we get it!

Now get in that Nova and come show me.

XXX,
Your faithful servant, Moon

PS Happy Freaking Weekend!

Video by Robelied

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108 Commented

Open Weekend Post: The Museum of Rob

This weekend we’re getting a little cultured as we visit the Museum of Rob!

Dear Rob,

When I saw the headline a few months back, “Rob Pattinson Gets Waxed” it was a bit of a shock. WHAT were you waxing and WHY?? But no, to my relief your pubes were intact and the article was about your new figure at Madame Tussauds! There was pandemonium on opening day! Women lined up to have their pic taken with you and to run their hands through your fake hair! It kind of looks like you, but there’s something a little off. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick wax Rob out of bed, but it’s not quite you. The clothes, the posture, the eyes-it’s just a bit off. But seeing you in that “museum” got me thinking-Rob,you deserve more than a cheesy wax effigy. You deserve your OWN museum. Sure, you’ve only been famous for a few years, but to me, you are a work of art. So I started tossing around some ideas…

Welcome to The Museum of Rob
Containing artifacts spanning over twenty-four years.

Item: Policeman’s hat.
Materials: plastic
Date: c.1990
Donated by: Mrs. Diana Nutley
Provenance: Pattinson family attic.

a

Item: Child’s leash
Materials: leather, metal
Date: 1989
Donated by: Mrs. Diana Nutley
Provenance: Used to protect Rob from himself on the playground.

a

Item: Miu Miu swim trunks
Materials: nylon
Date: 2002
Donated by: Donor prefers to remain unknown.
Provenance: Worn by Rob in an unfortunate photoshoot.

a

Item: Wand
Materials: Ash, Unicorn(?) Hair
Date: 2004
Donated by: Donor prefers to remain anonymous.
Provenance: This is the wand used by Rob in the fourth Harry Potter film. We are thrilled to have Rob’s wand on display.

Item: Beanie
Materials: Wool
Date: 2008
Donated by: Donor prefers to remain anonymous.
Provenance: Worn daily by Rob in a futile attempt to disguise his hair.

a

Item: Plaid shirt
Materials: Cotton, plastic
Date: 2009
Donated by: M. Foster
Provenance: this is a particularly rare and coveted piece, as it was worn consecutively by all members of the Brit Pack. Unwashed.

a

Item: Beard Stubble
Materials: Human hair
Date:2009
Donated by: Hotel cleaning staff
Provenance: Undisclosed hotel, bathroom sink.

a

Item: One half of size 36C nude bra
Materials: Nylon, cotton, tape
Date: 2009
Donated by: Donor prefers to remain anonymous
Provenance: Rob’s privates, used unsuccessfully as “modesty patch” during filming.

I’d pay to see just to see the modesty patch!

-dazzledtodeath

What other artifacts of Rob’s life would YOU pay to see in a Rob museum!?

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116 Commented

Open Weekend Post: Smart girl

Dear this girl,

I’m so sorry you were featured on Failblog. When I first saw it, I was outraged. “WHAT!? THIS IS FAILURE? No no no… this is brilliant” was my first thought. Let’s break it down piece by piece.

First of all, we have your outfit. There’s the thick-rimmed glasses with a high necked striped tshirt. We can’t see down below, but I’m going to guess you’re in a nice cargo pant or maybe a carpenter jean. Plus your hair! Nothing says “Let me go down on you now’ like a freshly slept on mousy-brown side ponytail. You’re looking HOT, hunny.

And then there’s the sign itself. You obviously put a lot of time into making sure it was spelled right, placing the dash between the “blow” and “jobs” and even using the correct form of “you’re!” This is a rare quality found in a Twilight fan with a sign! Thanks for making us Rob-fans look good!

And lastly, there’s the courage you displayed by just putting it out there. We all laugh & talk big about what we’d do to Rob behind a dumpster, but would we wear our 7th grade finest and show up on a street in LA with unwashed hair and declare it to the world on a SIGN? I don’t know if I have the balls- but you clearly did. And for that, I think you should be rewarded and not ridiculed by all the readers of the internet.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that if Rob were to pass you on the street today, he’d first notice you by your gimpy hand (those with gimpy feet tend to notice others with a similar disability). And after taking a second look, he’d consider asking you for your t-shirt. And then, his eyes would drift toward your sign- and the connection would happen. The magicness that is usually reserved for Robsten would become yours and Robs only. And despite his fear of getting blown by a girl wearing a retainer, he’d lead you to the nearest dumpster & let you show perform your first act of fellatio ever.

Wish I had thought of it first!

You have a fan in me,
UnintendedChoice

Please let this girl be kidding. Please. Please. Please. Please

Moon & I were just talking today about how we miss super hot & creative Rob vids. It seems like it’s been awhile since we saw the last one. Well, I came across this new video & while it’s not as flashy as some videos of the past, I think you’ll like what it’s offering:

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70 Commented