Rob & Reese “reconnect” at sea

Dear Rob,

Moon & I heard you & Reese were on the front cover of Entertainment Weekly magazine. You know what that means! Time to “Break it down vanity fair style!”

The one where we need Robsessed

UC: so I hear there are new Rob pics? I assume there are scans at Robsessed? ps.. what if Robsessed didn’t exist? I don’t know a single other Rob blog except some that won’t post paparazzi pics. and what’s the point?
Moon: right Robsessed better never leave us
UC: you better DO US good Robsessed with these supposed EW pics…. I do not have the energy go to back to the grocery store & pick up a copy (but.. by the way I didn’t SEE it when I was at the check out counter.. maybe it’s not out yet? leaked early?)
Moon: its out tomorrow
UC: look at you! do you know a mailman?
Moon: I’m doing the newstand guy so i can get this kind of info
UC: good idea!
Moon: the dirty persian newsstand owner
UC: yeah.. no bother that he smells like falafel- you gotta get your news
Moon: hot and heavy for 5 minutes behind the BUSINESS section then i get as many mags as i can hold

The one where we say “Awww” while laughing

UC: awww i just saw the pic!

UC:HAH!! FIRST thought. Rob is thinking, “I’m kinda a big deal”
Moon: AWWWWWWW. I laughed and then did a side head tilt “aw”
UC: hahhahaha! Me too!! I said “AWWW” but was also really laughing
Moon: THIS is how you do a cover (though I’m not a fan of that shirt) I like the smirk! ps poor Reese has the HUGE title “TWILIGHT” right over her!! Rob from twilight is in this new movie about elephants and oh here’s Reese saying something about him
UC: I feel like she’s looking at her husband… proud of a recent business accomplishment
Moon: yea like this is their country club membership photo
Moon: or they’re brother and sister sitting for a picture for their dad’s birthday gift
UC: This is at “Casino” night at the Yacht club
Moon: like they might have been extras in dirty dancing or Titantic
UC: I’m giggling like a fool. I feel like he just won the grand prize on Celebrity Apprentice. Trump just told him he’s been hired
Moon: or they went on a Carnival cruise and this is the fancy dress up dinner night- or this might also be their christmas card. The kids got cut out. This is the photo from Rob’s monthly real estate newsletter for his realty company. “Single family homes AVAILABLE!”
UC: Its what Reese uses in her pampered chef newsletter to encourage her clients to buy more neat kitchen gadgets. “You can please your man like I please mine””
Moon: he loves the Pillsbury crescent dough mini pizza. “Get a 2 for 1 apple, peeler, corer, slicer if you order and use the code “Robpple””
Moon: Or this is the photo in the newspaper during the city counsel election season the week before Rob is found at a bar with the hot neighbor lady. Escalando!
UC: YES! He’s running for city counsel…. And she just wants him home at night in time for dinner
Moon: she has new crescent dough recipes to try on him before her “parties”
UC: wow I read that as “panties”
Moon: the mini pizzas are panty shaped. Bachelorette party!

The one with the cruise

UC: Uh oh! They’re getting crazzzzzy on the cruise! The photographer wanted him to do the dip… they went crazy & she showed some leg
Moon: WOAH this is after the couples ballroom dancing class! Johnny and baby were the instructors. This is Reese’s new FB profile pic to make all the housewives on their block jealous
UC: she is gorgeous!
Moon: SO photogenic. Like he’s hot, clearly, but I’m looking at her
UC: That hair! I realize they did that RIGHT before they pressed the shutter button on the camera… but still I like to pretend some people have great hair all the time like that and then be jealous.
Moon: I’m a Reecbian!
UC: ME TOO. Seeing that pic made me NOT put that last pretzel in my mouth- since I basically ate the whole bag.
Moon: i shoved the last gummy worm in my mouth. I still cant get over that collar. Is it supposed to be like that?! Pull that shit down!!!
UC: Pull that shirt OFF! Whoa- watch me go!

The one where we accidentally make fun of mom blogs

Moon: she looks SO sassy stay-at-home-mom. She blogged the whole cruise on her mom blog
UC: YEP. went “Thrifting” right before they left & found this vintage find. She posted it on her blog: (tag line: And Billy, Elizabeth & Rob Jr.)
Moon: They miss the kids but REALLY needed to get away and “reconnect.” It’s been a busy election season, lots of pampered chef parties, lots of thrifting and anthro knock off designs around the house
UC: The cruise was necessary because “Bob” (the name only she’s allowed to call him) could only be on his black berry when they were close to land, which was every day but for just a few hours. It was paradise
Moon: tomorrow’s post from the cruise is going to be close ups of all the plates of food they ate and abstract shots of the midnight buffets
UC: and maybe if we’re lucky, a self portrait of them snuggling in bed.. sharing a pillow
Moon: and a funny one with Rob and the animal the maids made out of towels
UC: He paid them an extra $10 to make an elephant every day.

Read a few entries from Reece’s blog after the jumping Rob! Continue…

104 Commented

Rob at the Academy of Country Music Awards, YEEHAW!

Yeehaw Good Times!!!

Dear Rob,

I guess to help promote Water for Elephants you and Reese will be presenting an Award at the American Country Music awards in April. Yes, I’ll let that sink in… you at the country music awards… because circus’s (circuses/circi?) and country music… hand and glove or whatever they say. So because I spent must of the day chuckling thinking about you and Reba dishing the dirt about Twilight or you and Keith Urban talking about flat irons and how you refused and how he embraced. So since I love myself some country music and some Rob and the potential awesomeness of the situation I’ve spent all day coming up with this list…

Rob at the ACM awards with Reese Witherspoon. This is funny because…

  • Reese resurrects her June Cash and Rob tries to mumble through a Johnny Cash song.
  • Trace Adkins/Vince Gil/Randy Travis introduces Rob as that sparkly vampire his daughter likes and we all cringe.
  • Robert Pattinson’s understanding of country music is only slightly more advanced than his knowledge of theoretical particle physics
  • I would say having an englishman at a country music awards show is like having George W. Bush at at the Source awards but then I remember Mumford & Sons… well… nevermind?

Rob ordered this in a Heineken version

  • Will Rob find a pair of Wranglers at the thrift store and have them pressed and starched for the event? Or will he find a retro country music jumpsuit a la Jimmy Fallon and make Reese wear a matching one?
  • Damn Oscars you got burned! Rob does the Country Awards show and can’t be bothered with your Fighters and your Swans or your Winter Boning.
  • The possibility that Taylor Swift may perform “Back to December” and you may cry because you were a HUGE Swiftner supporter. Weren’t we all??
  • Rob will return to set and tell everyone he’s “gonna put a boot in their ass cause it’s the American way…” and that “all his exes live in Texas.”

April 3rd can’t come soon enough friends and Rob. I’m taking bets now on whether you will be wearing a 10 gallon hat, belt buckle or really over the top exotic animal skin boots and whether he throws in a “yall” or a “howdy” to his banter. Place your bets ladies…

Shock and Ya’ll!
Which song do you want Rob to duet on? So answer the question I posed… Rob on the ACM’s is funny because…

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131 Commented

MTV asks us to AskRob and we’ve got some questions

(welcome to me trying to remember my original Wednesday post that got eaten by our server… here goes…)

Josh Horowitz says what?!

Dear Rob,

With Water for Elephants just around the corner all the press is starting to heat up MTV is going to be doing a lil segment with you called Ask Rob where they (duh) ask you questions submitted by fans via twitter to @MTVNews with the hashtag #AskRob. So of course we couldn’t leave Josh Horowitz up to his own fanboy devices so we’ve come up with some questions, if given the chance, we’d #AskRob… cause really we should be asked to interview you cause I can tell you we would NOT be asking about your hair or sparkling or abs. So with that in mind and our self imposed moratorium on questions pertaining to Le Stew and Twilight here is what we would…

Ask Rob

Hmmm how shall I answer this??

  • Why have you not returned any of my calls? #AskRob
  • Follow up question are you planning any bigger jumps in Vancouver or are you going to try a different approach say dancing or leaping maybe? #AskRob


  • If you could only choose one flavor to eat for the rest of your life would be be ham and broccoli or pepperoni and three cheese hot pockets? #AskRob
  • If you became too busy to do errands do you feel comfortable letting Tom Sturridge choose what underwpants you wear for the rest of your life? #AskRob
  • Does Reese make your list of Top 3 MILFS? #AskRob
  • Tell us the truth- did you ever fall asleep with Rosie in the elephant stall? #AskRob
  • Since you’re so close, if Rosie was ever out of a job and asked to crash on your couch would you let her? #AskRob
  • Did you ever slip up and call Christophe Waltz Capt Von Trapp? And moreover would you agree that Christophe is the Christopher Plummer of our generation? #AskRob


  • Tell the truth, is Martin the dog named after the guitar brand or are you just a huge Martin fan? #DaaaaamnGina #AskRob

Then since I’m equal opportunity and I like to be unbiased I asked a guy friend what he would ask Rob if he would. After assuring me he was straight and asking me not to reveal his identity (I’m sure you can guess) and me telling him to “be nicer” he gave me these questions to #AskRob

Don't mind that heavy breathing on the other end of the line, that's just me

  • Have you accepted your slow and unenviable decline into mediocrity and general luke perry-ness yet, or are you waiting until after rehab? #AskRob
  • When did you realize you were gay? #AskRob
  • Do you ever worry that your face is going to get stuck like that? #AskRob
  • How long do you think you can use being British as a cover for you being the weirdest dude alive? #AskRob
  • In the middle of the night, do you ever wake up in a cold sweat screaming DAMN YOU BEIBER!? #AskRob

So maybe not nicer but definitely made us laugh. Clearly we need to be put in a room with you for 15 minutes. We should also be allowed to interview you at some point, but that’s neither here nor there.

Happy Friday!

What would you ask Rob if given the chance? Should we take bets on how long Josh Horowitz waits to ask about Kristen or Breaking Dawn? Have a question but don’t have twitter or don’t want to sully the rep of your feed? Post it in the comments and we’ll ask the ones that make us laugh the most!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store


131 Commented

Breaking Down Rob lately… Vanity Fairy Style…

Dear Rob,
We’ve missed breaking you down. We haven’t discussed the Water for Elephants pics as much as we should have and that’s a tragedy. So guess what we’re doing today? Yep- you got it. Breaking Down some recent pictures of you, Dean & Reese Witherspoon, Vanity Fair Style!

Dean is Back

UC: You know the first thing I’m thinking. Cause I know you’re thinking it too.
Dean is back. Where WAS he? and does he have a tan? It looks like a new buzz cut? It’s nice and short? did he…. MEET A GIRL?
Moon: Dean’s been sitting out at all the football practices Rob has been attending. He finally earned his letterman jacket this season
UC: Dean takes pictures and will make a scrapbook OR a powerpoint slide show for the end of the season banquet at Hoss’ Steakhouse
Moon: And whenever Rob goes for a tackle, Dean steps in. Dean can take down anyone. Twihards OR high school linemen
UC: I mean.. he looks thinner…. The football has been good to him
Moon: Rob might actually be scouting for college ball. SHHH dont tell


UC: Our secret. LONG BEACH STATE makes a lot of sense now- he’s playing ball for them. He’s over this acting thing & really fell in love with the LA area
Moon: who needs acting when you can smash some heads for a couple seasons?
UC: He wants to settle down.. raise a few “juniors” of his own… coach the pee wee football league.
Moon: Dean’s liking the change of pace too. He has all the under-armor shirts. All he needs is the coach shorts

UC: You know what the second thing I’m thinking though is, right? What is this A sign language instruction site? A place where Rob goes freely to sign autographs- he begs people to let him sign things? He makes videos saying “Please let me sign your breasts and your T-shirt with my face on it”
Moon: That’s the obvious second thing to think about this picture

UC: Sigh… I’m not sure I’m into “I’m working on the railroad” Jacob Jankowski, but dayummmm I’m into “Eff me while I’m in my suit” Jacob..
Moon: Seriously. He’s pulling out all the stops here
UC: If he tap dances I might lose my shit, and I wasn’t aware I was into tap dancers
Moon: he may serve the drinks to Reese Witherspoon’s character but he’s still hot
UC: You need to read the book! Cause i don’t think that’s what happens. In fact, i have no idea why this scene happens.. i don’t’ remember it at all
UC: What!? You don’t want to know that after working a hard day on the railroad Jacob Janko relaxes by going downtown to perform onstage with a tap dancing troupe!?

Lick, lick

UC: It’s his guardian angel… I think when Dean disappeared he hired this guy
Moon: His shadow!! That’s cracking me up! Never walk faster than your guardian shadow can follow
UC: I have a feeling… Rob was running from it- like.. he didn’t know..I can see him being like “Dean!?” is that you!? then starting to run…. while the shadow follows him. I’m gonna cut out the shadow. And do something awesome with it. Hump it maybe
Moon: Do it quick. Someone’s gonna sell that shadow on Etsy.
UC: Yep. On a popsicle stick.

Much, much more, after the jump! Continue…

91 Commented

The Year I Was Obsessed with Robert Pattinson

Rob- it’s a holiday in the US, as you know since you live here now. Well, yesterday was the holiday, but no one likes when holidays are on weekends so we celebrate them on week days. It’s something we do. It’s the American way. Well, everyone is celebrating except for me (UC) because my job is lame, and I have to work. BOO! Anyway, sit back, relax, grab a hot dog or 3 and enjoy the story about The year Beaspoon was obsessed with you!

Gorgeous in Red. Check. Rich. Check. Rob on her arm. Check. Yep- I hate her

Dear Rob,

I’m loving all of the set pics from WFE, especially the pictures of you and Reese Witherspoon. She and I actually have a LOT in common. My maiden name is Witherspoon, and people used to ask me all the time if I was related to her. Sadly, I’m not, but I digress. She and I also both have daughters named Ava Elizabeth. Reese and I are also both filming movies with you right now. Wait, no, that’s not true I guess. SHE’S filming a movie with you, and I’m making a movie with you in my head. Every day. And night. Big time.

Sometimes I think about what my life was like B.R. That’s “Before Rob” but you probably already guessed that. A year ago, I had never even HEARD of you, can you believe that? Then my twin sister told me she was reading the Twilight saga and I LAUGHED IN HER FACE! “Vampires?!” I said, “You can’t be serious…no way am I reading that juvenile fiction crap.” But, alas, one day later (yeah, I sort of don’t do too well with peer pressure) I was reading “Twilight” and I finished all 4 books in 5 days. I still didn’t know who you were though. So I convinced my husband to watch Twilight with me me (“Vampires! You’ll love it, I am SURE of it!” Yeah, he hated it, but don’t let it get you down, Rob. He was just jealous.) I was, instantaneously, obsessed.

You should know that on the outside, I appear to be a completely normal person. I’m a 29 year old married mother of two, I stay home with my kids and live a pretty great, but simple, life. But on the inside? I’m like a 12 year old girl, pining for you in a way I have never obsessed about another person before. It’s ridiculous. RIDICULOUS! I spend an hour every day reading websites about you. I read Twilight and even Rob fanfiction–I’ve read hundreds of stories starring a completely fictional Rob or Edward! My laptop wallpaper USED to be a picture of my ridiculously cute kids, now it is just ever-changing pictures of YOU. Sigh. My husband hates you, even though he’s been getting awesome sex for a year now, he still can’t stand the mere mention of your name. He totally knows who I’m thinking about when we’re getting down and dirty, he’s just in denial. And I’m not talking about the river in Egypt.

Sometimes I wonder if I will look back on this year in my life and fondly remember it as “The Year I Was Obsessed with Robert Pattinson.” Except my obsession with you doesn’t seem to be waning at all. So maybe this is my life now. You are my life now. Tee hee, I had to slip that in somewhere.

PS–I’m even one of those crazy people that bought an “I Drive Like a Cullen” bumper sticker, but then was too afraid to out myself in public so it’s just sitting in my dresser drawer. Yup, that kind of crazy, Rob.

Crazily Yours,

So I can TOTALLY relate to this. Especially when she said she thought she’d look back and remember this time fondly. I thought this obsession would wane. Its changed, that’s for sure (a Roblosophy for another day!) but it sure hasn’t gone away!!! What about for you!?

Pic Source

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138 Commented

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