Center your chi with Rob

Dear Rob,

This past week has been quite crazy for the fandom. You’ve lost fans because of your alleged relationship, celebrations have been thrown in the streets of MOANtreal probably because you left, sides have claimed “victory,” dreams have been crushed, friendships have been shattered and Moon & I have been thoroughly entertained. It seems as though everyone has forgotten the lessons of We are the Rob. Remember?

We can’t go on fighting day by day
Hoping Robsten and Nonsten will soon make a change
We’re all a part of Steph’s great Twi family
And the truth
You know Rob is all we need

We are the ROB

I’m calling a time-out. In the words of Eric Yorkie, people need to chillax. Here is what I suggest. Focus on this brilliant manip of Rob which has been posted on our picasa account since 2008 and no less than 27 12 year olds have commented & thought was actually Rob:

Are you getting a yoga-vibe? Good. Me too. Let’s run with that. We could all use a big “calm the eff down.” Now close your eyes and imagine you’re in Rob’s arms……….

Breathe slowly in through your nose……
Imagine you are smelling Rob’s slightly musty scent
Now slowly pull your fingers through your hair, but imagine it’s a little tough, slightly slippery and when your hand emerges, your fingers are kinda shiny with grease……

Now breathe in again..
Fill your lungs with the scent of Rob’s newly lit cigarette…
Take it in deep into your lungs
Deep… Deeepppp
Okay stop coughing- this is imaginary smoke.

Now visualize touching Rob’s 2 week old slightly damp t-shirt…
Breathe out slowwwwwwwwly.
Exhale for as long as it takes to think the phrase “Rob, if you’re not with me, then you’re Poundin’ Spam”

Breathe in again, imagining he’s taking off his “Get off my Dick” shirt
Breathe in again…. what’s that smell? A sharpie marker?
Open your eyes slightly- did Rob gross out one of the “f’s” on “off” and turn the other “f” into an “n?” “Off” turned into “on!?” Okay back to concentrating…

Exhale while you let your mind go blank- forget all you know about Rob- forget all the baggage of many months or years of following his every move…..
Imagine the smell of processed cheese and a light flaky crust- filled with low quality sausage or ham- warmed in a microwave…. Let your ears hear the sound of a green tinted bottle cap falling to the floor….

Shhhhhhh quietly center your thoughts- focus on the picture above
Then think about if the pants were to drop a littttleeeee bitttt lower-
Oh no!
Quick! Think higher… higher- you’re about to think about The Tuck

There… that’s nice…
Focus on the muscles underneath the Che Guevara shirt he’s wearing to show his support of the Cuban people.
Think about the cell phone deep in the pocket of the green pants from the $.50 bin at a MOANtreal Salvation Army.
Think about you and Rob and all the wonderful and slightly musty scents that come along with him…. just focus on the two of you….. Oh no- who is that in the corner? TomStu?

Namaste,
UnintendedChoice

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