Rob Pattinson: Platinum selling artist or critic’s punching bag?

This means it's basically a done deal!

Dear Rob,

When Moon & I read the headlines about your rumored “album” yesterday, we decided we MUST Break this rumor down:

The one where we break it down in a serious(ish) way

UC: Can we please role play a Rob Pattinson album. since that’s the rumor. Even Rolling STONE Posted about it, so it MUST be legit (4 out of 10 on the “Truth Scale” from Rob-Cop, I mean, Gossip-Cop)

Moon: an impeccable Pattinson insider tells Gossip Cop, “He is not.” Well thank you, impeccable Pattinson insider! How do I get to be one of THOSE? And from the comments”If he wanted to work on music, he would be there, not in LA. Wouldn’t he want to record at Abbey Road or the studio Marcus Foster, Johnny Flynn and Mumford and Sons use?” because they only have ONE studio in london and it is abbey road
UC: hahahahahhaha people are SO dumb

Reminds me of a Sad Keanu

Moon: can you imagine though? i mean really…. an album?
UC: NO!! [LTT-friend] Marah & I were discussing it & I think he wouldn’t do it
Moon: yea hasn’t he said in the past he wouldn’t?
UC: I forget. Wish I had the phone # of the impeccable Pattinson Insider. But, I mean… he HAS to know no one legit in the music world would take it seriously. I don’t think they would… at all I would LOVE to read that pitchfork review!!!
Moon: oh god! here’s the thing… he’s pretty decent. i mean as far as all these people who think they are musicians, he’s not terrible and it’s not gross pop-rock crap- like it’s thoughtful enough, but actors who want to be musicians hardly EVER work out like 99.99999% of the time they FAIL. Hard
UC: HARD
Moon: i mean Keanu reeves, russell crow, Lieutenant Dan and the Lieutenant Dan band, Puck from Glee, Minnie Driver, Jenn love Hewitt,
UC: Puck from Glee!!!! Do you keep a running list?
Moon: i mean the free bins at amoeba are lined with cds from actors
UC: You forgot Sandy cohen!
Moon: if you START as a musician your odds are way better of becoming an actor… which leads to a lot of questions about acting but ya know

Better, Good, WORST

The one where we pick on Sam

UC: Marah made a good point… she doesn’t think he’s any better than most of the Brit pack…she thinks maybe a few of them are even better (definitely more refined as in– you can understand them) and while they have some success it’s not like…. really successful- i mean.. ask anyone outside of twilight and the public radio station in Philly that LOVES bobby long, no one knows of them
Moon: totally. i think Marcus is the best of them all
UC: yes- i agree. Bobby is 2nd.
Moon: pRobably followed by bobby and Rob and then sam in dead last
UC: Poor Sam. but it’s true!!!
Moon: And I’m sure tom is better than him
UC: I’d say that it’s Marcus, Bobby, Rob, Tom (who we don’t even know if he can carry a tune) Sam
Moon: exactly tom could just show up somewhere with a guitar and pRobably be better- now if Rob wanted to WRITE some songs like he’s done in the past- I’m ALL for it… and theres more money in that anyway. And he NEEDS money
UC: but WAIT didn’t he co-write all those songs before???
Moon: he did
UC: That’s what Marah & I were saying… so… we don’t know how much was actually his doing. Maybe it was more marcus/bobby/sam……doing the writing? (wait, not Sam!!!)
Moon: i think he should continue in that direction if he needs a musical outlet
UC: yes… co writing…..
UC: SIDENOTE: Do you think it’s weird that Rob has never mentioned Marcus Mumford? I mean.. they are london musician/celebrities…. there are like 4 of them…. I’m pretty sure they must hate each other. There’s NO other explanation. Maybe once they fought over Cho Chan

The one with UC’s “private time”

Moon: I mean don’t get me wrong I’d LOVE LOVE to hear what album Rob would come out with. but i don’t want any one else, read: critics to hear it
UC: ME NEITHER. I’d just like it for my private time. I MEAN my alone time… no wait.. alone with my THOUGHTS.. or maybe my bath time soaks
Moon: with a copy of tiger beat
UC: Okay i can’t get out of this one.. it all sounds like I’d be touching myself to him.. and for once that’s not what I mean!
Moon: don’t try to front!!! anyway my point being is that i think he’s talented and what not and i’d love to hear it but critics would be merciless and NONE of us need that
UC: NONE. It just make us feel worse about being a Rob Fan

The one with songs about Rob’s fur-children

UC: okay so let’s say we figure out a way for all the critics to disappear & he releases an album… WHAT would it have on it? what types of songs? will they all make us cry? will we even be able to understand them???
Cuz even if we can’t (which is most likely the case) I bet there will be Videos of fans CRYING over the lyrics
“that’s.. justt soooo sooo *snifff* BEAUTIFUL” Sane person: “what did he say” Crazy Fan “I don’t know… but I KNOW it’s deep”
Moon: its about Robsten! duh!! since EVERYTHING is about Robsten
UC: and Bear? Will he write a love song to Bear? their love-dog?
Moon: It’s kinda like marcus’s song ‘i was broken’ is about Robsten. even though i’m sure it was written BEFORE all this mess. it’s like he’s a prophet!!
Moon: Yes. All the songs would be about Bear & Jella. Their fur-children. VOMIT
UC: hahahah
Moon: he will want it to be a rap album since he’s secret gangsta, but it will be sad bastard, british, neo americana sound

The one where Rob is REALLY literal

UC: i think Rob has a lot of material, so maybe he’s been writing lots of songs like “the loneliness of Fame”
“I hate the paparazzi” “I’m getting tired of Vampires”
Moon: Or “my hair looks stupid like this” He’s VERY Literal
UC: “I forget where i put my soap”
Moon: “plaid is the color of my feelings”
UC: “sometimes I wish I could sleep alone” That’s a B-side- unreleased. And we don’t know- is he talking about his furry friends? [and by that I mean the animals…not Kristen after not shaving for a few weeks]
Moon: “krisbians scare me”
UC: “Robsessed girls scare me”

"I'm sad that they made me into PaperDolls"

Moon: “everyone scares me”
UC: “My dad Dick” after a nice phone call home & he’s missing the rents. “Do they really like my mole?”
after he reads that one post on Robsessed & reconsiders his trip to the dermatologist to have it removed
He just says it how it is. No beating around the bush: “Taylor scares me” written when Taylor was eating a LOT of those meat patties
Moon: “I live in Airports”
UC: “I wish I could be like him” written after admiring Kellan’s confidence with fame
Moon: “Man love isn’t wrong” dedicated to his man pals
UC: “Bt Sometimes it even creeps me out” inspired by TomStu, always creeping behind him
“Why do I jump like that” written after his half=-naked self became a meme

Oh Rob.. while we’d love an album from you in some ways, hate it (and the critics) in others, I think keeping a little bit more of yourself locked away & hidden from all of us “Impeccable Pattinson Insiders” is probably a good idea! If you bare your soul in lyrical form, what would we have to write & speculate about on LTR!?

Love,
UC

Okay what are your thoughts? Yay or neigh on the Rob-album idea? Defend your position! Stand your ground! Laugh when you remember how I made jumping-Rob Paperdolls!

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