BUTTCRACK ROB

Dear Rob,

There was a rumor floating around on Twitter yesterday that your buttcrack would be starring in Bel Ami, the film (as opposed to Bel Ami, the book, which would be equally as awesome) which prompted cheers of joy heard around the globe, a twitter melt down, your grandmother to go into shock and me throwing my fist in the air, pumping it Jersey-style yelling, “BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB” in my office.

Apparently some lucky fans in Belgium got to see Bel Ami & spilled the details via twitter. My favorite twitter response goes to the entertaining: @Mama_Cougar:

with Moon’s tweet as a close second:

And the news got me thinking about your buttcrack- what will it look like? How much will we get to see? What will the angle be? Will it be portrayed in way that will make me want to pull a quarter out of my wallet and try to insert it down your backside (Bel Ami is in 3D right?) Will it be attractive? Will it be (yuck) hairy? Did you shave the morning you knew what scene you would be shooting? Did you get little red bumps afterward? Will we see the red bumps on screen? Or Did you get your buttcrack waxed? Who made the appointment? Did you get a waxist recommendation from your mom? What was the reaction of the butt waxer when she saw whose ass she was about to de-hair? Was she shaking? Did she accidentally pull some leghairs off instead because she was so nervous? Did she try to convince you to get lazer hair removal on your ass? Can you even DO lazer on a buttcrack?

After pondering all that for a bit, I did a little “research” into “Rob Pattinsons’ Buttcrack” of days gone by. We have seen it before, you know:

There was Buttcrack Brazil  which was sadly overshadowed by Jumping Rob & all his adventures.

We’ve seen the TSA Buttcrack Adventure where even the major news media (aka TMZ) took interest

And who could forget the Buttcrack and Black Dots experience when you were filming New Moon in Italy?

We’ve even been lucky enough to get a Buttcrack on the Bearskin in the past

But as you can see- we’re due for a GOOD LONG LOOK a the real thing. None of this “just the tip [of the buttcrack]” None of this blurry screencap nonsense. Stop teasing us so! I want a big ol’ SHOT of the glorious thing. I want a camera ZOOM and a cinematography SWEEP. I want the composer to write an orchestral masterpiece for the moment when it’s revealed! [Now throw your fist up in the air and pump with me]

BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Are YOU exciting to see Rob’s buttcrack?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Top 7 reasons Rob Pattinson wasn’t at the afterparty

Dear Rob,

From signs bearing your name (“Ron”) to seeing you in action on the red carpet, to being mere INCHES away from your face, Monday night’s Breaking Dawn part 1 premiere was Epic. Of course, what would have been even MORE Epic if Moon was not being “Rob-blocked” by a certain D-list actor when she was doing interviews, but more on that later (as in another day when we have time to edit another video)

Despite not getting to ask you if you’ve ever tried any other animal shape not-real-pieces-of-meat chicken nuggets other than Dinos, or finding out if you prefer to heat them in the conventional or toaster oven, we had a great night. Especially later in the evening when we came up with THIS list after spending 2 hours surveying the party, looking for you in every corner possible (we even looked IN the waterfall):

Top 7 reasons Rob Pattinson wasn’t at the afterparty (Cuz coming up with 10 was wayyyy too hard)

1. Kristen got really pissed off that you wore blue too & gave you a unibrow with her sharpie.
2. You heard they weren’t serving Dino-nuggets at the after-party and the spread was a more “grown-up” affair. Cocktails instead of beer? So you went home & threw something in the microwave & popped open a beer.
3. You heard you lost “best dressed” of the night to Jackson Rathbone & were ashamed to show our face. Guyliner? Why didn’t you think of that?
4. While in line to get popcorn & your Breaking Dawn souvenir cup before the movie started (you need to complete your set, of course) the ushers came out & announced the doors were being closed & no one else was allowed into the screening. Dean, your parents, your driver & everyone else you knew was inside, so you just hitchhiked home.
5. They turned you away when you attempted to bring Bear through the doors. You even explained how you had no idea who more than half of the people were who walked the red carpet & you just felt kinda lonely, but they didn’t care. You pointed out Weird Al Yankovich & how much you needed Bear’s protection & even THAT didn’t work…
6. Saddened that you didn’t get to talk to Moon on the red carpet, you went home to pen a song about your “missed connection.”
7. You were told you had to check your cell phone at will call & didn’t want to part with your Jitterbug phone. You saw Ashley Greene’s grandpa eyeing it up earlier & didn’t trust that it would be there when you returned.

After getting home with the champagne-giggles, kicking off our shoes, putting on comfy clothes (FINALLY) and covering our war wounds with Hello Kitty band-aids, it was a nice surprise to find THIS video on one of our cameras:

Until next time (oh there WILL be a next time!)

UC & Moon

We had an amazzzzzinggggg time on Monday night. Make sure to get over to LTT today for Storytime! While Rob didn’t confess his love & whisk us away to meet Bear & ask us to vacuum out his sheets before taking us to bed (yes, together), it was a successful night anyway.

We have more stories to share. So stay tuned! Thanks to everyone we met & who encouraged us and made us SO HAPPY to be there! It was amazing to see faces we recognized in the crowd! XO

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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The First Time Seeing Rob

I know I know. There are SO many new interviews. SO many new videos SO MUCH NEW CRAP TO TALK ABOUT (Moon saw Rob this weekend, TOO- Go read LTT) But I haven’t had ANY time to read or watch any of it. Isn’t there a place that recaps all that crap for me? Oh right.. that’s what LTR is for. I’m the recapper. Crap. Anyway, here is a story from an LTT/LTR friend in Sweden that reminded me of MY first time seeing Rob, 2 years ago this Fall!

Dear Letters To Rob:

Confession time. This is the True Story of my big night with Ashley and Rob.

Once upon a time there was news on the Internet that Rob and Ashley were coming to Sweden for the first time, on their Breaking Dawn European tour, to participate in a Fan event four weeks from now. Breathless and dazzled I realised that this was my Great Chance of being in the same room (okay, make that sports arena) with Robert Pattinson!

On the appointed day, I got up at 5.30 to be first in line for the queue to the place where they were handing out free tickets in my home town. I knew there wasn’t a chance in hell I would get a VIP ticket, since they were only handed out in Stockholm, and there people had been lining up three days in advance. Unlike some I DO have a full time job, and a family. *huffing*

Clutching the tickets in my sweaty little hands, I danced home, until it struck me a couple of days later “Hey, I actually write for a teenage magazine!” Shouldn’t I be able to get some kind of press credentials for this event?? So after talking to my editor and getting her go ahead, I chased the powers-that-be and on the morning of the event I finally got the go-ahead. Yay! I quickly gave away my tickets to a couple of deserving teenage girls, wrangling a promise that they would let me interview them later, and took off for Stockholm dressed in my cool black leather jacket and boots, on the off chance that Rob and Ashley would notice me in a crowd of 9000. (Hope springs eternal..)

After sitting in on an interview with a group of teenage girls, being conducted by some university researchers who were writing a book about Twilight (yeah, sure, I saw the gleam in her eyes when she gushed about visiting Forks and living in the “real Cullen house” in Portland: university or no university, that researcher is a closet fan too..) I headed over to the arena, and stood around in the cool October wind stomping my feet and watching the girls who had been hanging around since Wednesday with pity, as we waited for the event manager to remember to come and collect the press gang.

FYI: The bad stereotypical Swedish jokes + Rob are the creation of UC and NOT the Swedish writer.

Then we were all ticked off one by one by a guy with a slick-back and a red tie (ewww), given cool press badges and conducted onto the red carpet where we would get the chance to interview all the artists and the Swedish celebrities invited to this event. No, no, Rob and Ashley would do a red carpet entrance later in the arena for the VIP ticket holders, no one else. *sigh*

So then I spent 3 hours standing around, chatting to some girls from a local TV station who were Twi fans too, interviewing arriving celebrities like the prime minister’s wife about her thoughts on Twilight (funny, all the celebrities stuttered and stared and mumbled something about “well, it’s really my kids who talked me into coming..” Cowards!) and then asking the fans why they liked Twilight so much. (“The guys are SO handsome!” Yeah, right, I got that part.)

FINALLY we were let into the arena, and I quickly staked out a place close to the stage where I reckoned Rob and Ashley would be sitting and planted my feet in between two short thirteen-year-olds and right behind two TALL teenagers with squishy pony tails that tended to strike me in the face whenever they bounced. Oh well. I was kind of appalled to notice that hundreds of seats remained un-occupied throughout the event, since I knew that there were girls all over Scandinavia pining for a ticket. Not fair. Well, if they’d known what they were really in for, maybe they would have been less keen..?

And then we were in for a LONG wait, comprising “entertainment” by one hit wonders chosen for their appeal to teenage girls, and lame jokes by the morning radio hosts elected to host this event for unclear reasons, asking us at least ten times if we were looking forward to “actually being in the actual same room as Robert Pattinson?”. Duh, dude. Next question. By this time my back was hurting like crazy, and I was seriously regretting skipping lunch AND dinner. It would be kind of humiliating to be carried out fainting even before Rob had even entered the building, no?

We watched a ten-minute reel of clips from BD – twice, since Rob and Ashley apparently took longer to get from their hotel than expected. (Couldn’t you just hang out in the arena before time, or did grooming actually take you like, hours, guys?) – and finally had to endure the humiliation of collective singing and listening to one of the radio hosts improvising a song with his guitar just to fill out the time. (Rob, where are you when we need you?)

Will she see them? Find out more.. After the Jump(ing Rob)

Continue…

24 Commented

LTR reader Elle wonders if she’s getting over Rob

Dear Rob,

I have a few things I need to get off my mind before this gets so far out of hand even your British accent and the way you say “fawt” (fart) can’t rescue me.

Oh really? You think you might be over, ME? (ignore my goatee)

Up until the last week or so, you’ve been missing, hiding, away from the public eye, taking walks with that one chick in the middle of the night where nobody can see you… whatever you’re nowhere to be seen; you get the point. And I knew this right? But I kept holding my breath in anticipation for the next LTR post. (Well not holding my breath, but definitely checking my phone every single morning at 6 am) And if one is waiting for me I get my fix and go about my day.

However, every so often (this is the hard part) I find myself thinking “is this guy REALLY that important that I actually spend more time stalking the web to find out anything about him longer than I take putting my kids to bed? Am I getting “over” him? Kind of like I got over my Michael Jackson obsession way back in the day. Is this obsession with this guy so far out of my element that I’m actually starting to be realistic?”

And Rob, I seriously start to get mad at myself because I start to think that I’ve just wasted 2 years of my life. Usually the light turns green at this point and I make the right to get on the highway and it’s just a “moment”. [I know what you’re thinking Rob, All of those thoughts at a stop light?] The worst part is I feel guilty for thinking that way. It’s borderline pathetic Rob.

Remind me again who you think you're getting over?

Then the rest of my day goes by with the usual routine. Read letter from LTR, go to YouTube and find out the last time you “fawted” (!), And that’s actually not far from the truth. I do laundry, clean (sometimes..well rarely) play Farmville, check out what the bitch I graduated with 20 years ago is making for dinner on Facebook, and make dinner.. you know, all the shit a housewife does.

Wow! I feel like a weight has been lifted. I said it. Sometimes I think you’re wasting my time Rob.  More importantly though,How do you feel about it?

What if you woke up tomorrow and we were all gone? What if every blog, every letter & every screaming tween plus your other fans (of more “normal” ages) stopped camping out a week before you get somewhere just to see your left cheek. What if every twitter ever tweeted about you came to a hault. What would happen if we all just kind of remembered you from that one Harry Potter movie, and the obsession just ended, like it never exsisted.

You? Getting over ME? Good luck with that...

Would this effect you Rob? Would you be relieved? Would you have turned down that one low budget movie that you hadn’t read anything about except for the character’s name called Edward? I know, I know if it wasn’t for the fans..yada yada. But I’m genuinely wondering if you would rewind the time and do it differently. Do you sometimes feel like we’re wasting our time on you? Do you care? Let me know, because I think it would close a lot of doors and give me some peace of mind if I knew that you either loved us or could give 2 shits about us. And by us I mean the “normal Robsessed people” not the really truly “screw loose Robsessed people”

That is all,

Elle

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

36 Commented

A “request” letter for Rob Pattinson

Tonight I Broke down the new Breaking Dawn trailer with Moon for LTT so this letter submission is for you today;

Dance floor, in line at your kid’s school.. same difference..

Dear Rob, Every morning I have a routine. I wake up (well obviously I wake up) make breakfast for my kids, get them ready for school, and drive the one hour round trip to drop them off and stop at Starbucks for coffee. I also have the unhealthy habit of 3 cigarettes while drinking my ginormous iced mocha all while reading email and everything else I can do on my extremely overpriced cell phone. (Should we even call them cell phones anymore Rob?? I suppose that is a different subject for another letter) Let me start off by telling you that before I leave the house I also check my phone for this awesome subscription notification from LTR. When I see this I smile and get all giddy for about 10 seconds and savor it because Rob, I get to look forward to reading the latest letter as soon as I start my coffee/smoking tradition (Tradition might be a little overboard, but you get what I’m saying.) It’s important that you understand this is the highlight to my morning. You probably can’t imagine (or actually just don’t care) what a disappointment it is when there isn’t a letter waiting for me to read, lmao at, giggle like a school girl, and scroll thru the photoshopped and/or picspam that so cleverly accompany these letters. This doesn’t destroy my day; however, it certainly doesn’t start it off the same way by any means. Yes, I’m a bit dramatic, but let’s face it; there’s obviously some sort of abnormal obsession that follows all of us who read and write letters that we all “think” you’re looking forward to as well. My point here is this.. What the hell are you doing that is so important other than playing your guitar, writing songs for KStew, making movies, drinking beer, walking Bear, and dressing yourself like an absolute bum for a 5 minute jaunt in public?? Forgive me Rob but this is ass backwards! Now don’t get all offended here, but last time I checked I was one of the bazillion people that made it possible for you fly private jets to award shows, buy ridiculous vehicles that catch on fire, stock up on a lifetime supply of hot pockets, purchase expensive Gibson guitars, grace the covers of reputable magazines, and most of all get PAID 20 million dollars to make a movie. Let’s be honest, you need me (us) as much as we need you. Is that a fair statement? I’m not writing another “Where’s Rob?” letter. I’m writing a “request” letter. Would it be so far fetched to request a little cooperation here Rob? Personally, I don’t care about your adopted dog, Sam picking his wedgie while taking a walk with you (although that was hilarious) seeing a picture of you dressed like a ninja dodging the public eye, your half shaven head, you sporting a God awful 1980’s MTV jacket, your mess of a speech while giving an award (or accepting one for that matter) the cob salads you order at the local grocery, the huge duffle bag you lug around in airports, where you spend your hiatus with KStew, or what Dean is sporting for his wardrobe while guarding your body from EVERYONE. The mere disturbing fact that I DO know all of these things justifies my reasonable request for you to jump in to the celebrity you’ve become with both feet!! I need much much more from you Rob. I need a scandalous public love affair with ANYONE else besides KStew (I mean really Rob? That overhyped relationship with her is obviously not going anywhere.. right??) I need a spreadsheet of snapshots with you on a private island with me.. I mean some other drop dead gorgeous 30 something woman. Preferably one with a couple of kids.. that makes us drool for longer than the .5 seconds of your perfect back muscles in the BD trailer. I need some substance here Rob! You’re a well read young man. I need your personal diary of love, sex, and non trivial feelings made available so that you can live up to the man I’ve created in my head for you to be. (Btw, I’m not THAT ignorant, I understand that you’re still young and may need a little molding. I’m willing to help you with that) I need an oscar worthy performance that takes my breath away and puts Edward on the back burner. You are very capable of this Rob. I’ll admit, I had to force myself to get thru Cosmopolis. It was a ridiculous array of gibberish that required both a thesarus and a dictionary to make sense of. Dellilo is a bizaare author. Of course, I’ll be at the box office on opening day, but my idea of oscar worthy is not 2 hours of you driving in car on the way to get a haircut. Let’s hope I’m wrong, but I seriously doubt it. I need a song that I can understand at least 50% of the words to. I can’t turn my ipod on and clean my house to your music Rob. You have a beautiful talent but it’s more frustrating to walk into my living room to fix a skipping song only to realize that’s just your mumbling. Give me passion! Give me Excitement! I want to FEEL we’re just as appreciated, because you know that you’re VERY appreciated.

Is this your money’s worth?

Here’s what I’m saying, I want my money’s worth. As shallow as that may seem, you get a shitload of my money and I need to prove my husband wrong when he tells me I’m “throwing it away” on a sparkling vampire! (He just doesn’t get it, it’s very frustrating. I don’t have the strength to stay away from you) Jump out of your uncomfortable comfort zone Rob. Your crazy shananigans of wearing a shirt that says “get off my dick” or sporting flip flops with a flannel shirt is just not doing it for me. Dare I say for any of us? Bring back your James Dean hair (it’s fukhawt sexy) join us so we can write letters to you that we cannot wait to share. It will spice up your life, I promise! Let’s have a cup of coffee and a smoke together in the not so distant future. Tomorrow would be good, but I’m willing to wait a few extra days. Actually, you know I’m not going anywhere, I’ll wait as long as it takes.. unfortunately. Humbly waiting, Fragile Human Am I the only one here? Who out there could use more of the not so uhhh normal Rob? Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

37 Commented