My idea of Rob

For all you haters out there, I’m going to say what you’re planning on saying so you don’t have to: IS THIS A ROB FAN SITE OR A NON-FAN SITE? HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU LIKE ROB & THEN CRITICIZE HIM LIKE THAT? YOU ARE SUCH A BAD EXCUSE FOR A FAN. GO EAT A BIG BOWL OF ICE CREAM YOU FAT, STUPID ROB-HATING LOSER. There! Now you don’t have to say those things and can just enjoy the letter!!!

The Rob in my mind always wears the Uncle Jesse Jacket

Dear Rob,

It became clear to me from the MTV awards the other night that I’m not sure I like the right Rob. Let me back up- I’m not sure the Rob I like is the 100% true, real Rob. See when you started on your rant/conversation/speech/drunk talk about Reese, Mr. Choice walked in the door. And the entire time you were speaking he looked at me with a look that said, “REALLY? You like HIM, UC?” It made me want to throw a pillow at him & say “NO! That’s NOT the Rob I like!” And as I thought about it, it hit me. That swearing, rambling, bad-spoken, 2nd-hand embarrassing version of you is NOT who I like. I think I like the Rob in my mind.

Sure my mind’s version of Rob is based on you. He’s a lot like you, but I’m coming to realize he might not be completely the real you. He’s got your face & singing voice and some of the same adorkable qualities, but when he speaks it’s not embarrassing for anyone- it’s not perfect. It’s not necessarily gonna win you any awards, but you’re humble & shy in a cute adorable way.

As I thought about this I realized I cannot be the only one who thinks this way. Right? And it turns out, I’m not. Other people have built you up in their minds as well.

Adrienne's Rob

Adrienne said:

My Rob is kind of Edward, kind of WFE Jacob (a great husband eventually), a great humanitarian like Sean Penn, Ben Afleck, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt. He’s a great writer/musician/comedian like Steve Martin, super suave like Don Draper. Rob of my mind is NOT a frat boy that does excessive drinking and drugs. OH plus he NEVER says anything stupid. Ever. PLUS he’s actually capable of of using those bedroom eyes instead of just staring out of them. I’m afraid he may be lacking in the bedroom skills. Sorry. Not like Ryan Gosling. You KNOW that guy’s a pro.

Is it weird to say that I have no idea how the Rob in my mind is in the bedroom? I want to say I imagine him (you?) as pretty darn amazing, but I can’t say that that’s what I think. Am I confessing I imagine BAD SEX with you? Um, that’s weird.

Bri added:

The Rob in my mind doesn’t come across completely awkward like he did at the MMA on Sunday. Yes, there’s a side of awkward/dorkiness like the one that surfaces in his interviews but it’s quite endearing. The only other thing that makes Rob more perfect in my head is that he doesn’t smoke.
The Rob who smokes doesn’t bother me- of course smoking in my mind just means your clothes smell and not all the cancer stuff.

The smell of perfection

Speaking of “smelling,” Katie says:

My Rob does *not* smell like cigarettes, pepperoni Hot Pockets, Heineken, and KStew. Picture this (Thank you, Sophia.)- You’re baking cupcakes in your little cottage at the base of a mountain. It’s summer and there’s a cool breeze blowing in the smell of fresh rain and pine needles. My Rob smells like that. Oh, and he walks in the door that little cottage after chopping wood for our fire. There’s a bear skin rug. Just saying. My Rob is AngryRob to everyone else, but sweet and gentle with me. Except for when we act out “The Office” (The fanfic, not the show. OK, sometimes the show. He totally plays Jim.). My Rob acts Oscars red carpet confident and looks Rome “just f*cked”.(ifyouknowwhatI’msayin’ AndIthinkyoudo.)

Cyrstal adds:

MY Rob is alot like Edward- I guess he always knows what to say or do. He is a one woman guy and never forgets to call her. (me) I think he is very comfortable in small setting with people he knows. Almost too much, I imagine he is the kind that tells crude jokes.  And My Rob could totally fall in love with a silly fan girl (who is actually a grown woman with a kid)

Oh yeah- My Rob totally falls for a “nobody” (or a “girl who once ran a blog about him!)

And lastly, Liz shares that:

“My” Rob is very similar to Tyler in “Remember Me”. I guess its because he’s still young in real life and would be immature like boys his age tend to be. But there’s also that soulful side to him where you could just picture sitting with him for hours in a coffee house discussing everything intellectual under the sun or winning you that teddy bear at the carnival. But he’d also be the kind of guy you’d see in a bar on open mic nights, hanging out with his friends, drinking, smoking, laughing. My Rob is the kind of guy who would make a great/terrible boyfriend. He would be very romantic one minute and very self-involved the next. I couldn’t imagine living with him and taking care of his laundry… ugh! All that smoke…! He’s got to smell! But at least we could always get a Hot Pocket sponsorship or something… Maybe written into his next movie contract?? Then he’d never go hungry and I’d never have to cook!

“They” say that you should never meet a celebrity you love or someone who is a hero to you because you’re bound to be disappointed. After coming to the realization that I may have built you up in my mind & hearing what others imagine you as, I have to say that DEFINITELY applies in this case. The “real” Rob can’t possibly be as great as the Rob we’ve all imagined, can he?

Grabbing a spoon for my ice cream,

So? What do you think? Do you have some unrealistic ideas of Rob in your mind? Share in the comments!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

172 Commented

Rob is in between

RoblosophyDear Rob,

Before we go any further, I have to point out that I liked Water for Elephants. It’s not going on any “Best Of” lists. No one is going to win any Oscars for it, but I thought it was a great movie. I loved the book, and I thought the movie was a great representation. There were great moments for you, Rob. There were great moments for Reese. That doesn’t mean I thought it was perfect, but I enjoyed the movie. I probably won’t see it again, but that’s because I’m pretty broke. Plus I’d rather spend my free time watching ROBSTEN videos online (<– Click that unless you follow us on Twitter and experienced the joy of “UC Tweets Robsten videos while drinking vodka” last night)

That being said, I want to talk about how you, Rob, are not a boy, not yet a man. Yes, just like Britney Spears sang. Well, kinda.

You see, one of my favorite things about you as Jacob Jankowski was that the role really FIT you. In fact, afterward, Mr. Choice told me that he thought you did a great job because you were exactly like Jacob. An attractive guy, yes, but a little socially awkward & kinda dorky. (His proof was the photo below. He said he was pretty sure this was shot one day when you all were just goofing around ‘off-camera’ and someone caught it & decided to include it in the film)

I love my days off!

Jacob is those things- a bit awkward because he’s in an new social situation with all new people after his family has been ripped from him. Dorky because, well, he’s a 22 year old, almost Ivy-league graduated virgin. Three types of guys go to Ivy-league: Foreign royalty, Hot, Rich Douche-bags in secret societies who row crew & dorky smart guys who’ve never touched bare breasts. (Me Stereotype? Nooo) And you play that role well! Because, well, you’re kinda a social recluse with your books & artsy films. And we KNOW you and that supposed girlfriend of yours are saving “it” for marriage…… soooooooo…..

WANTED: Passion

But here’s where it all falls apart for me, Rob. And here’s where Britney Spears comes in…. I’m not feeling the chemistry between you & Reese. You portray very appropriately this young, “I’m finding my way- living free, making mistakes, looking silly but growing up” stuff & then when it comes to the real, deep sexual, raw chemistry, it falls short. You do the dorky, young guy stuff perfectly, but can’t quite perform as the man (See? Britney Spears) The Rob Pattinson “awkwardness” you’ve perfected in your roles plays great for a teenager (Edward) & college student (Tyler, Jacob). But when faced with a smoking’ hot all woman co-star like Reese, the role commands a MAN to take control of those scenes & force the passion. SHOW US your love for Marlene. SHOW US you want her. We know you do. We read the book. We can tell a bit by your actions. But I want to SEE IT so badly that I run out of my seat and try to climb in the movie screen to take you for myself (Oh you’re right- I’d do that either way!)

I think it could be that your good looks are to your detriment, too. If you were slightly less hot you could be the funny, awkward Seth Rogan (or even Adam Brody!). But instead you’re on a wholleeee other level. So we expect Brad Pitt. And you don’t have the confidence yet to sex it up Pitt-style. Well, I don’t think you do. But in case you want to prove me wrong I’m here. Willing. Able. Always.

So Rob… take off your shirt, hop on top of a cliff & sing about how you’re not a boy, not yet a man…

All I need is time…. a moment that is mine… while I’m in between,

After the jump (can you guess!?)….. Continue…

76 Commented

Breaking down Vanity Fair article, Vanity Fair Style

RoblosophyDear Rob,

Have you read your Vanity Fair article yet? If not, you might want to take a second to read the scans so you can participate in the Roblosophy we’re having. What ARE we getting Roblsophical about? What else? Your state of mind during the article, of course. I rounded up Moon & @brookelockart to see if we could figure out who you are- since obviously we know you better than you know yourself. Here are our steam of consciousness thoughts, in order of how they appear while we’re reading:

UC: Rob smokes American spirits!! nice. I have some in my home. I hate them. But we can joke about this. And stop talking about Heineken & hot pockets so much. he classed it up a notch. and OMG—HE HAS AN ASSISTANT? The dream job!!! All you’d have to do is light American Spirits, pop off the caps of Heinekens & microwave Hot Pockets all day (okay, so it’s been 3 seconds & I can’t stay away from the Heine/Hot Pocket jokes) Plus you could LOOK at him. How do I get that assistant fired & weasel my way into the job?

UC: And regards to the section of the article where in Tennessee people were banging on windows and wanting to touch his hair…. WHEN does this happen? WHY do we not hear about it? We are Rob fans….. I don’t know anyone who would do that. This is like.. Beatles hysteria.. and yes- we’ve seen it at premieres.. but that’s always going to happen there, but I’ve never even heard first-hand account of this happening outside of those situations… it’s insane…

Dear crazies, this was the ONLY time this was appropriate. (and barely even then)

Moon: I know.. does the whole airport thing feel so 2008?! I mean people asking him to bite them?! does anyone REALLY do that unless they’re Tyra banks? we know a lot of the fandom and i don’t know ANY of them who would do this… unless they were like 13 and became a fan back in 2006. I mean really? not that I don’t believe him that weird shit happens but i think it’s probably the exception and not the rule.

Brookelockart: Are people REALLY still asking to bite his neck? I mean we’ve all seen that interview a gazillion times, where the girl NEEDS him to bite her neck, but I’m going to guess that isn’t happening anymore.

Moon: I’m not saying that didn’t happen once, twice or even MANY times- but… let’s remember how Rob is in interviews. He’s awkward. He says stuff he probably makes up or half makes up- or doesn’t even always mean. I mean “I eat Hot Pockets every day & don’t shower?” That’s clearly not true. Again – I bet every story he’s told has some sort of truth or is true or was at one point, but does it happen all the time every single day like this seems? Well, no.

Brookelockart: I love Rob’s slanted view on America. Dear Rob, there’s plenty of times where I am the only white person on the bus. Try living outside of the hollywood bubble for a hot minute. Also, I love how we totally know who the “British friends” are – a nice wake up call that average America doesn’t, just us crazies. Oh and, I’m guessing that chain smoking will probably give you the shakes, especially if you aren’t eating. Maybe that’s the cause of the braille handwriting? Sad, sad Rob! (Oh and I dread all future reference to Rob and his Kindle.)

UC: Speaking of Kindles, you can get on the internet with those right? So Rob doesn’t miss our daily letters?

Brookelockart: Grrrrr

Moon: Are people actually saying this article has something or ANYTHING to do with Kristen?

UC: Of course. Their EPIC love is all throughout the article, can’t you see?

Moon: Besides Rob skirting around the question of their relationship when it was asked, she wasn’t mentioned. This wasn’t about them- or his love life at all. It was promo for Water For Elephants. That’s all there is to that!

Brookelockart: Well, I was sad to read the article but not upset over my level of fan girl..I’m admire from afar, I don’t know his whereabouts and don’t claim that I know anything about it. That’s fine by me.

UC: Sad!? Really? I don’t understand that- what made you sad?

Brookelockart: The way the article was written made him seem down and out & frustrated with his life. I look at it like when you are stuck in a job that you liked at first but now hate. He’s just over twilight. I can’t blame him. And I know that everything becomes amplified in the interview. And I don’t think he’s on lockdown 24/7, but the tone of the interview was definitely for us to feel a bit bad for him. Clearly he wasn’t on cloud nine feeling the magicness. Maybe he spilled something sticky (NOT THAT) on the bear skin rug that morning. Who knows.


Well, I’m usually the type of person to play devil’s advocate. Plus I’m just a glass half-full kind of person: People have off days. I think that the stuff that happens to Rob DOES suck, but the things that are good probably out weigh the bad. And also… we’re reading this as how the WRITER sees it. Ya know how sometimes we see a picture where Rob’s head is down & he looks super sad or scared? When in reality he was just spitting a loogey on the sidewalk? It’s all in your perspective. And without really KNOWING him, we’ll never really know. Unless we break into his email. Which apparently is possible. What do you think the password is

UC: UCANDMOON what else?

Moon: Also… think back to the countless interviews we’ve seen with Rob- and how he comes across in person on camera. He’ll say ANYTHING- and it could be true or false. You can generally tell the difference in a TV interview, but that humor doesn’t always translate to paper. I don’t think he meant he literally CRIED when the elephant was done her scenes. I think he was just describing his emotions- he was sad. He enjoyed his time with her. He loved it!

UC: I actually think that article was less self-deprecating than he usually is. To me he did not seem “depressed” Jaded with it all? Hell yeah. Ready for it to be over. EFF yeah. Exhausted? Sure. But….. it made me remember why I like him: Rob is an artist. And he has the mind of an artist. He’s introspective. He’s interested in art & culture & philosophy. He’d rather have a serious conversation than get f*cked up with friends. THAT is not depression. Can that be considered a depressive nature? Sure. I’m married to someone VERY similar. The difference is… Mr. Choice doesn’t have people screaming at him anytime he does come out of his solitude & wants to have a little fun. But Rob is a loner. Rob would rather be alone. With a book. He’s a bookworm!!

Moon: Exactly! He’s a delicate flower- He feels deeply- He thinks deeply. Everything effects him. And he wants to talk about it. He’s kind of a girl. (If I may be so derogatory.)

UC: You may. This article didn’t make me feel “bad” like some people have said. I don’t think Rob hates his life. I think he hates it when people scream at him, dudes want to beat him up & girls break into his email account. And all the people who feel “bad” about talking about him day in and day out online & obsessing over him shouldn’t feel bad because of THIS article (They should feel bad because the time that WE (yes, I included myself there) spend on him is kinda disgusting) because while they may talk crazy online- I think VERY FEW of them are actually crazy in person- or would be if they saw him. I think THOSE crazy fans who bang on windows & scare the shit out of him don’t sit around on twitter making “Rob Porn.” I don’t know what they do…. but I have a feeling it involves pipes & chemicals in a shed in the backyard….

Moon: Right and if he thinks the majority of Twi fans are that crazy- well that’s sad.. I feel bad.. they’ve got a bum wrap. WE’VE got a bum wrap. Crazies are exception not the rule, but sadly that’s what he thinks is the standard.

UC: So…those are my thoughts…. Rob’s gonna be okay. He’s gonna have dark days. But put him in a room with a pack of American Spirits & a good book & he’s happy. Eventually he’ll be able to go out for a nice dinner. It’ll be years FOR SURE. But it will happen. And he’ll eventually look back on “all this twilight stuff” and be grateful… b/c it got him to where he wants to be in the future- even if he never makes another movie again. While it’s hard to see & believe that’s going to happen, I think he truly believes it.

And there. Proved I actually know Rob. More than he knows himself.


Thanks to Shleeeigh who requested this Roblosophy!!!

I know you’ve been talking about it & thinking about it for days, but WHAT DO YOU THINK? Did the article make you feel sad like Brooke? Do you feel like maybe the writer was trying to GET us to feel something that maybe isn’t exactly there like Moon & I do? What do you think Rob’s email password is?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

81 Commented

In 2011 I resolve to forget about Rob……

Yesterday when I should have been blogging about Rob, I did not. Instead I perused blogs; Wrote on my personal blog (yay me!); Chatted with some pals & then caught up on the CRAZY aspects of the fandom with Moon. And had the best time ever. People are funny. And by that I mean delusional. And by that I mean kinda scary. After much psychological debate with Moon about “what is wrong with people,” I realized I had to blog. But it was past my bedtime. Boo me. All I could think about was the crazy I had just caught up on. And while I want more than ANYTHING to blog about the crazy delusions (especially since I have you on the edge of your seat thinking “WHAT is she talking about and WHICH “Side” does she think is crazy & delusional” (hint: both), I am sorry. I don’t want to be called a c*nt today. Maybe on Friday. Fridays are generally the days of the week when I like to be called different names for the vagina (my favorite is “The Box”- Member- save it for Friday though) So I searched through our email for something appropriate for today. And look at me- I’m going to be controversial anyway. Because apparently if anyone has an opinion that is less than perfect about Rob, LTR gets hate like you wouldn’t believe. Bring it. My favorite hate word for Wednesday is “hag” xoxo, UC

This is you. The Cake

Dear Rob,

Since it’s now into the second month of 2011, I figured the plethora of people discussing New Years resolutions has died down so it wouldn’t be annoying if I discussed mine now. Remember how a month ago you made a resolution while optimistic, happy and excited? Let’s face it, most of the time, you give up after a few weeks. Well, I haven’t! I guess I should just say it – out loud, say it!

My resolution is to finally admit to myself and get used to the idea that I’m kinda over you, Rob.

I had that feeling for a long time now, it’s like when you are on a diet and you always struggle and at first you still eat a piece of cake here and then, because you haven’t got control over your discipline yet. Time goes by and you learn and you get stronger and you see what else is in life other than that one piece of cake. You see and remember other things that satisfy you besides that cake. And one day you will figure that you gained the willpower to stay away. That you just don’t care as much about the cake than you did once.

Rob, you are the cake.

I look at the cake and think:

‘Yeah, of course you still look delicious and you still are my favourite thing in the whole world and there is no comparison, ever, but I’m kinda over you.’

After a while I probably am going to see that keeping that discipline is hard and tiring, especially when there are special events (Breaking Dawn trailer, -release, WFE release, Bel Ami trailer, -release [hot sex *fingerscrossed*], marriage, golden child, TomStu proposal to me, marriage, the real Golden Child…) when the cake is everywhere around you and is lit’rally shoved into your face- it’s hard to resist then. And I have to say that I will never stay away from you completely and I don’t want to, because eventually I experienced so much, so so much beauty and fun and laughter and sleepless nights because of you which I’ll never regret or would take back.

This should have been YOU without the clothes!

It’s been a wonderful time and I’m not saying that this time is over now (because I don’t have the strengh to stay away from you anymore…. BAM I’m still in the game!!) but my appetite has definitely changed over the past weeks if not months. I don’t really know why, but maybe if some things would have gone differently.

  • Maybe if you were naked in the ‘Details’ shoot instead of the models.
  • Maybe if Bel Ami already had released a trailer.
  • Maybe if you would have filmed a sextape brought sexier underwear than those briefs.
  • Maybe if your grey suit would have been even tighter than it already was.
  • Maybe if (we would know) you had a d*ck like Ryan Gosling in that Blue Valentine scene. (UC note: Wait…. We SEE IT!? DEAR LORD WHERE HAVE I BEEN!?)
  • Maybe if your bathing stuff would have been see-through instead of Kristen’s.
  • Maybe if Condon had released a screenshot of your ass instead of Bella’s hand for God’s sake!

I can't. I have a daughter now

Yeah I’m blaming you, Rob. Are you getting old? Are you getting boring when you are in a relationship? Are you stepping on the next level in hiding- from Ninja to Invisible? Are taking Twi too serious and thinking you have to behave because you have a daughter now?

You know what, Rob? Since I’m a little thinner now and all happy with myself again, I can enjoy my cake much more. I know how to dose it now, because I learned how to stay away and then I’m even happier when I come back to it from time to time.

I just wondered if anyone is with me on that diet.

Looking forward to an extra delicious piece of cake really soon,

I like how TPWPTMPORPP described it as “a diet.” How are you doing on “the diet?” Are you still gorging yourself or have you paced yourself? I’d have to say I feel like I’m anorexic. I need sustenance and I need it bad. Watch out- the first thing GOOD released about Rob in the next few weeks & months are gonna fill me up fast. I’m gonna Binge. Binge on Rob. And Maybe also Hot Pockets. It’s only appropriate!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

109 Commented

Does Robet Pattinson wonder about his life….?

Dear Rob,

Moon found this gem of a picture over on a Tumblr account yesterday with the caption:

I wonder if Robert Pattinson ever wonders about his life

I’ll give you a few days minutes to fully appreciate the above portrait of what your life could be. Look at your potential child. Plan what you’re going to do with this collage burn it like blow it up and have it printed on a big canvas to hang above THE fireplace (You know the one)

Rob's new desktop background: his feminine self

Now let’s talk: do you? Wonder about your life? Do you sit around and think about how this stuff is out there? Does it even phase you that it exists? Has anyone TOLD you that it exists?

Picture this: It’s a boring Saturday. There’s nothing on TV and you can’t figure out how to work that “video game machine” in your rental house. What do you do? Do you break out the ipad & Google yourself? Even though last time you did it you swore you never would again? Does life ever get that boring (Or do you ever get THAT drunk? Or- what I would do if I were him- does TomStu ever change your laptop background to one of these fan made gems?) If so, what do you think? Anything? What comes to mind? Is it “normal” at this point? Or can you still not believe that this happened… to you?

Rob's favorite meal: Corn on the cob, lobster & Heineken

Do you ever actually open any of the fan mail you get? If you do, what do you think when you’re handed a replica of your very favorite, holey shirt. Does that scare that shit out of you or are you happy because now you can throw out the old shirt that really wasn’t ridding itself of its musty scent, no matter how many times you washed it? What about when your manager hands you a gift from a fan & you open it and it is all your favorite snacks & a 6 pack of your favorite beer? Are you excited because your fridge is a barren wasteland most of the time & you can finally go to bed full tonight? Or are you creeped out because how do they remember?

Do you even ask your parents what they’ve been up to anymore? Or do you fear that everytime you do your dad is going to regail you of stories of “a nice young girl” who recently stopped by & dropped flowers off at the house? Or how Claire “just happened” to receive a box of her favorite chocolates in the mail. Or what if Dick tells you you moved out right at the wrong time because a bunch of “nice girls your age” have been hanging around near the house and they never did before? Does it phase you?

And do you have to think twice before you text a friend a dirty joke knowing that it’s possible someone has hacked into your phone, looked at your personal pictures & sees everything you search for or do (mainly the menu item “HOW TO USE THE JITTERBUG PHONE)? And getting back to that boring Saturday, what if you want to watch PORN but fear that someone guessed your wireless password (Patty), turned on your web cam & is watching you at this very moment?

Do you ever pick up a magazine while you’re in line checking out at Maxwell’s Market in Baton Rouge and read an article about how you like to shop at Maxwell’s Market and look around to see whose watching you. and since they wrote “so one can only hope he picked up some items to cook her [Kristen] a romantic dinner!” you suddenly feel self conscious because all that is in your basket is a pack of Twizzlers, some bottled water & string cheese. So you put the items back & walk out. Because you can’t even grocery shop without an audience. And someone asks you to sign their reusable Maxwell’s Market bag on the way out the door….

But I bought this rare guitar for $700!!! My money might run out soon!

Rob, what do you think about your life? Sure you’re famous, and it comes with the territory. But do the gobs of money being thrown at you make it worth it (I’m going to go with NO since it seems the only thing you spend money on is processed food & guitars. Take a trip! buy a boat! Fly to a remote place where paparazzi leaves celebs alone (it’s possible). Unless you live in a cave where you get little to no contact (and that’s kinda true) you have to know that some of this exists. And I can laugh (and I do) and make light of it (and write you letters about it) and discuss it with my pals, but at the end of the day, you are an actual person- not just a figment of my imagination- and these things actually happen to you….. so … do you wonder? Do you even think about it? Does it phase you…? I want to know…. (and so I’ll wait until the next time you google yourself & find these questions. In the meantime I’ll just be photoshopping Mr. Choice out & you into my wedding pictures. I also have a pregnant cousin who I kinda resemble. I think with my face & her body, it could be the spiting image of our possible future together as mommy & daddy….)


What do you think? When Rob is confronted with the crazy aspects of his fame, what DOES he think!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

80 Commented

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