The end is here. We’re here for you Rob

Dear Rob,

We heard the news. And we’ve been preparing for years as we figured one day this would come (but to be honest… we kinda figured you’d mess it up instead of she-who-should-not-be-named (we’ll call her that in case hearing her name is too hard. Also because you were in Harry Potter)) So last night we broke the glass on the Break Up Kit. And we’re excited to share what is inside:

Gosh I miss 2009

First: of course there’s a Hot Pocket Fort. Big enough for the 3 of us complete with a small microwave– a necessity for what’s next on the list

The entire stock of Costco’s Hot Pocket Freezer. We bought them back in ‘2009 but those bad boys have enough preservatives to get us through 2015

There’s a KEG of Heineken chillen’ in my beer fridge. Sad times call for much more than a case of beer can ever do.

The Brit pack are here with their guitars tuned and voices warmed ready to serenade you with whatever you want. (Yep, they’re in our Break up Kit) Looking for something upbeat? Marcus is on it. How about an ol’ Bob Dylan tune? Bobby’s got you covered. And Sam’s even brushed up on the DMB catalog in case things get really rough.

Next up is a stack of print outs from Bigtits.com since we know you much you love them (and haven’t had access for a few years)

Michael Oregano’s phone # in case you want to swap stories.

She’s ready for you

In case you want to get dangerous to numb the pain, we’ve even got Tiffanized on speed dial. You’ll remember her as Rob’s M.O.M (Match of the Month back from February 2010) No one could ever forget the sexy woman who posed for you like this <—-

And of course there’s us: UC & Moon, Noreen & Bunny… the girls there to dry your eyes. We’ll let you call us whatever you want because this is our day to celebrate YOUR DAY. And we’re here for whatever your needs are. That’s right– vegetarian for 12 years, but I’ll even try the Pepperoni hot pocket. Cat lover at heart but I’ll walk Bear. Can’t understand a word you say when you sing, but I’ll sing a long to the new song you wrote.

Really. Whatever. You. Need

Hang in there,
UnintendedChoice (with theMoonisDown)

PS: Rob we have some chloraseptic… you know what that’s for

GUYS: WHO CARES?? EXCEPT WE DO BECAUSE TWILIGHT JUST GOT FUN AGAIN!!!!! YAY FOR SPECULATION & RUMOR! 

161 Commented

Dirty Dancing or just Dirty?

Dear Rob,

Some person at Kristen’s friends Dirty Dancing party took a picture of you guys looking scuzzy and it “magically” made it’s way onto the nets via the super reliable Hollywood Life. First off you both look like the “before” picture of cast members on Celebrity Rehab or maybe those homeless teens on Venice Beach with the mangy dog and the dreads selling hemp necklaces. You know the ones (sad). Either way, it’s not good. It just makes me think the inside of the “palatial pad” in Los Feliz (yes, we all know now) looks like that picture of Whitney Houston’s bathroom or maybe you just have a couple lawn chairs set up in the living room in front of the 90 inch tv that came with the house but you can’t find the remote to.

Quick, someone to the Photoshop machine!

Second, if you’re going to a theme party can we at least pretend you sort of put two seconds of thought into your “costumes?” If you’re going to be Johnny or even just a random greaser may I suggest some tight ass black pants, dance boots, and a pompadour wig? Best lady friend who gets a botched abortion for 200 bucks in an alley named Penny, optional. Kristen is like half way there, though I doubt this was on purpose. All she needs to do to complete the look it pull the bottom of the shirt through the neck hole (we’ve all done it), throw on a curly wig, carry a watermelon and talk about going to Mount Holyoke in the fall… or maybe the peace corps. It’s more wholesome 50s and less hipster dbags. Seriously guys, this is easy.

I brought a spiked watermelon

I expect a little more effort when you come to my Dowton Abbey themed costume birthday party this year. We’re talking Morning jackets, tweed hunting coats, HAIR, dress TomStu up in a Chauffeur costume and have him drive you to the party in the “motor.”  Plant Sam Bradley in someone’s bed as dead Mr. Pamuk. Really, this is the level of commitment for a costume party that me and my friends expect. FYI.

No one puts Rob in a corner… well maybe they do if he looks like that…
Themoonisdown

PS Tell your friend this costume has nothing to do with Dirty Dancing. That is a Hipster denim diaper. Have you people even seen Dirty Dancing?

PPS Remember these AMAZING videos from forever ago?? Suddenly seems perfect…

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36 Commented

It’s Obvious… yea.

Dear Rob,

I wish I was as tech-y as Lewis and Poindexter and Gilbert in Revenge of the Nerds and had video cameras recording people’s reactions to the sorta-duh-bomb that the GQ article with Kristen just dropped. If Twitter is any indication I sure hope the Emergency Response systems in these tweeter’s cities are up-to-date and well staffed tonight because shiz is getting real crazy. You never know if they’re gonna twirl and flail and tumble right into a wall and knock themselves out.

So now that the “truth” is out (allegedly) do you think everyone can close up shop and go back to their normal lives? The Robsten’s think their work has been “validated” and I’ pretty sure at this point the Nonstens have joined the IDon’tGiveaFucksten camp so can we all go back to liking Rob and Twilight and not caring so much?

Sure, I’m going to miss the popcorn fests that Twitter became so many days when lurid pictures surfaced or grainy enlarged behind the scenes photos turned gifs made the rounds but I’ve been ready to go back to the kinder, gentler days of Twilight circa 2008 pre Robsten drama for some time now.

Why not declare it a new year?!

And like Rosh Hashana last week I’d like to usher in a new year for us all. Back to liking this stuff and not wanting to strangle other fans! Now if only we could get all them embarassing convos, comments, twitter flame wars, confession tumblr’s and videos wiped from the internet for all time in a “this never happened” moment. Please internet gods, make it so!

Happy New Year! L’Shanah Tova!
Themoonisdown

Ok, so this news came out too late for us to break it down last night but don’t worry we’ll be doing it ASAP! Like probably now… while you’re reading this.

So are we all in agreeance? Even if this is crap can we call it a new year and get back to the l-o-v-e??

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64 Commented

These “Confessions” make me wonder, laugh and worry

Dear Rob,

Oh hey… long time no see. I heard you left your hidey hole to make your way to jolly old England this weekend, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. You see, as you probably don’t know cause you have a life and I sure hope you don’t troll sites when you’re bored, there are these two tumblr’s called Robsten Confessions and Nonnie (Nonsten) Confessions. Which, as the name would suggest is confessions from Robsten and Nonsten folks. Now I pretty much die laughing, nod my head a lot, or shake my head when I go there because I think 4 things…

1. These are REAL
2. These are NOT real and Robsten and Nonsten fans are now totally self aware and this blows my mind
3. Robsten fans are sabotaging Nonstens by sending in fake confessions. And vice versa. They do this shit to incite each other
4. These are HILARIOUS!

Rob, do you know your fans spend this much time on you and your relationship?

Robsten Confessions

I sometimes wonder if you guys even car or if you “plan” this stuff.

This makes me rethink the last (almost) three years of my life if this is “destiny.” Do you believe in destiny Rob or was this just what happened because your mom was a model agent who sent you on a Harry Potter audition call?

Wow, let me introduce you to a few things that register higher on my prayer list…

“Breath Me” will do that to you….

Really?

This would be one of the sabotage ones I was referring to…. because “less hobo-ish?” that’s pretty much a backhanded compliment, right?

What’s gonna happen when all this is over? I worry about stuff like this because they won’t be in the spotlight 24/7 like now and as much as we have loved and enjoyed Rob, Kristen, Taylor and Twilight, and we are thankful for how it helped a lot of us (us included) out of some terrible funks, it can be a crutch and I hope everyone remembers this is a happy moment in their life and moves on to do great things! (*wipes a tear*)

SECURITY!!!

PLEASE GOD, if you love us, make this so!!!

Dear God I hope not because this just makes me wonder about how much of these “confessions” from both sides are really deep personal issues and ideas people are wrestling with and fans have just projected what they want onto you and Kristen, when no one knows you.

Case in point.
This makes me sad.

Nonsten Confessions

It wouldn’t be Twilight (or the story we all fell in love with) without Taylor or the love triangle he creates.

Do you ever feel the same way for Van Morrison, or your friends music, or even KOL just because you went to their concert?

Now that you mention it…. hmmmm…

Does it bug you that some of your fans (us included) sometimes think or wish you were gay?

They aren’t. Reading the books reminds me of this.

After all this how could you not be confused. What’s real, what’s not. Is it really “smoke and mirrors” like Kristen says or is it a real relationship? At the end of the day why do we care that much? And THAT is the most interesting question to me.

I just hope some day there’s a tell-all book or True Hollywood Story and we finally learn what really happened. And I hope it’s so boring. I truly do, I think our imaginations about your Rob, are way more powerful and interesting than the real thing. It’s probably part of the reason you like being an actor, you like telling stories… stories that are usually fiction.

These are my confessions,
Themoonisdown

All images from: Nonnie Confessions, Robsten Confessions

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95 Commented

Breaking it down text style: The kiss, VJ day, miracles and Water for Elephants

Just priming the lips......

Dear Rob,

Since you decided to up and out yourself yesterday while UC was away from her computer (the blog elves let her out for a weekend!) and away from gchat we were forced to break down this momentous glorious splendiferous news via text. So I present to you in cooperation with AT&T and iPhone the first ever Breaking it down texting style… (cheers from the crowd)…
.

Moon: Well that happened. Let me know when you wanna break it down…

UC: What? What happened? ROBSTEN sex tape ? (Please love that my phone knows to automatically put ROBSTEN in caps)

Moon: I like that your mind goes immediately to a Robsten sex tape and not like we found Osama Bin Laden or maybe I have a boyfriend or something of actual consequence!

UC: So, you’re saying it’s not?

Moon: it’s a kiss picture! A very obvious let’s kiss they’re all looking picture. Prepare yourself for the meltdown

UC: Send me pics!!

UC: Robsten is pr. ROBSTEN is promoting wfe!!!

Moon: Crazy nonstener!!!! Their love is not a product of the man or a movie studio! How dare you!

UC: Has anyone committed suicide yet? Attempts on K’s life?

Moon: Hahahah No, thank god! Theres a lot of “duh, told you so,” “happy for HIM” and general epic love-ness going around.

UC: Has half of robs fan base given up on him?

UC: this news means my life is complete. I believe in love. I want to rush home & make a baby

Robsten makes people do stuff like this

Moon: If anything this whole thing has made me believe in love again too. I’m on my way out to find a man and kiss him in the streets like it’s VJ day. This is our generation’s VJ day!

UC: Do you know any Lionel Richie lyrics by heart?

Moon: My endless looooove!!

UC: Upon viewing… my heart skipped a beat. I mean it’s kissing. No one else does it like that. No one.

Moon: Never in the history of the world have two people pecked in the back of a cab like that.

Moon: I wonder if anyone was spontaneously healed after viewing these pictures.

Moon: Did any wheel chair ridden robsten fans stand up and walk? Did a blind cat see again?

UC: Did a barren woman suddenly become pregnant with twins?

Moon: One named rob the other named Kristen?

Yes, this happened

UC: Did pigs put on little dresses and fly overhead?

UC: Did divorce cease to exist?

UC: Did all women become the perfect size 2?

UC: Did every restaurant taste as good as calypso cafe- where I’m currently sitting in Nashville?

Moon: Did every day become a weekend? Is April 17 now considered a national holiday?

UC: Yes. We need to contact hallmark to get them to make cards

Moon: I can’t believe the post office and banks are still open. This is a BIG deal. Where is Obama!??

Someone cue "Robsten the Beautiful"

UC: He’s preparing a moment of silence for the country. The white house has had a strict no speaking policy all morning

Moon: I bet even Libya is calling a cease fire in honor of this event

UC: World hunger ceased and everyone’s stomachs were filled with food.

Moon: Water turned into (boxed) wine again. And there was much rejoicing

UC: Our country’s anthem has now changed to “God bless ROBSTEN” and “Robsten the beautiful.”

Ladies you can't be mad at this face for long!!

Moon: I wonder if the Vatican called a special session to discuss saint hood for the holy couple and any future offspring?

While sadly none of these things did happen after the kiss heard round the internets we both had a smile on our faces and love in our hearts so that’s what matters. And you know what else REALLY matters? You’re in a movie coming out this Friday called Water for Elephants! Amazing!

Happy VJ Day!
Themoonisdown

Was anyone miraculously healed after this event? Does anyone still care enough to be surprised? Did anyone look at the slow mo gif of the kiss and thing “is that really a kiss??” Maybe.

Salacious photos courtesy of Popsugar

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160 Commented