RPattz: What’s in a name

Dear Rob,

I’ve seen a pattern. And it’s that the media calls you by the worst nickname of all: Rpattz.

I CRINGE every time I read of or hear you called that (I do realize the irony in that a simple nickname causes me to cringe as opposed to things I’ve read heard about in Fan fiction like “Rob Pattinson sat reading a children’s book outloud to the kids during story time when his eyes locked with the hot, 40something MILF sitting in the corner, with spit-up on her t-shirt. He asked the weird library volunteer to finish reading to the kids while he took the MILF into the bathroom to get add to her t-shirt mess….”

It’s like those who refer to you as RPattz don’t even know you. I mean, your MOM doesn’t call you that! When she rings you up to check on your health it’s not “RPattz, how is your rash doing? Have you been trying that powder down there that dad told you to use? It’s “Robert- I’ve been concerned that no one is caring for you. I’ve emailed you a spreadsheet with the locations of the 5 nearest CVS pharmacies” or when she texts you about the latest letter on LTR she read it’s not “Rpattz- did ya catch those crazies on that blog about you?” it’s “Rob- you should really heed my advice & look up UC & Moon. They’d make a nice addition to the Pattinson family (Plus they already have t-shirts for the reunion next holiday)” (the Clare of my fantasies is a thorough texter)

Why must the media continually cause me to shudder by referring to you by that awful nickname? Think I’m exaggerating? Hop over to any major media blog (MTV, VH1, E! Online, Extra, etc.) or turn on any celebrity channel and you’ll immediately see RPattz written in all it’s shudderlicious glory or hear a plastic-looking female say “Rpattz” in a whining voice. It’s annoying- and I know you think so too.

Since I know you so well and have known you for so long, I’ve figured out what names you are referred to and when.

There’s Robert- your given name, the one you sign on legal contracts, Twimom’s Edward Cullen underpants and the one the Queen calls you when you go over for tea.

There’s Robbie- Lizzie pronounced it “Wobbie” when she was 4 and had a speech impediment, and from ages 3-5 it was the name of choice from your family (except for Grandma, who firmly believes that by calling you anything other than your Christian-given name “Robert” she is surely damning you to an eternity of fire & brimstone) The only one who still calls you Robbie is that aunt who sells you out to the tabloids. She does it to make it seem like she’s still in with the Pattinson clan. Even though the last time anyone spoke to her was in 1994 when your cousin Billy ate too many hob nobs and threw up on Patty the dog.

I like dogs

Speaking of Patty- that’s a name you were first called by the boys in primary school during a game of soccer. It was printed on your jersey for the next 3 years until you named your dog Patty Pattinson.. and then that just seemed weird.

Hey- call me Claudia

You can’t mention names without talking about Claudia the name your sisters called you when they dressed you up as a girl. Besides the occasional TV reporter who, in prepping for an interview, read that fun fact and thought it was relevant to bring up, two years later, no one calls you that anymore. Unless you count Victoria & Lizzie who, quite often after sensing a girlfriend is about to ask, one more time, if she can see the pictures from the Pattinson family vacation at the lake with you in your swimming trunks, whip out a picture of you in a dress & heels, with blush on your cheeks and say, “No- but I’ll show you Claudia.”

Of course there’s Rob which is a name that has stuck with friends & acquaintances, much to grandma’s dismay. Not formal like Robert, yet not so casual like Robbie, it’s the perfect name for friends and wanna-be friends. Plus one syllable is always easier to scream out during the throws of passion.

Then there’s Roberto which they scream at you at Mexican photocalls and is the reason why all Twihards suddenly love Lady Gaga. She’s singing our anthem- for you.. Not sure who this Alejandro fellow is, but we sure as hell know Roberto!

And the name you’ll be cursed with forever, but is still a gazillion times better than RPattz, Robward. You play Edward. Edward is loved. Therefore you are loved and so you’ll be connected to that character forever. You’ll be in your fifties and have 75 films under your belt and the media will still refer to the good old days when “RPattz was “Robward” “ It sucks. But it’s life. And also the reported 41 million you’re probably going to make from Breaking Dawn parts 1 & 2 probably makes it worth it. I’m not 100% sure, but I’m 97.2% sure. Think of all the full dumpsters you can buy to put in your backyard so it’s like you have your own personal mall with 41 million!

You’ll always be Robbie, Robert, Rob, Really hot to me,
UnintendedChoice

SO what do you think? Do you have an RPattz pet-peeve like me? Have you noticed that it’s those who don’t know him “well” who call him that? Notice how NORMAL that last sentence I just wrote was? What’s YOUR favorite name to call Robalicous!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Robward, oh Robward…where art thou my Robward?

Juliet explains her Rob obsession in terms we can understand: Robward and the word “ho-baggish.” Preach on sister…

Oh heeeeeyyy there

Dearest LTR,

I am a newbie to the Twilight “religion” (cherry popped in February of this year), and a lurker on your site and am so thankful I have found you because over the course of the last 5 months I have found that not only has the series consumed my entire being, but so has Robward. Yes that’s right, Robward. I have found that I can’t love one without the other therefore in my mind I had to morph them into a single beautiful being.

The reason that I can’t love one without the other is simple, to love only Rob would mean that I am into a quirky man who is in fact sexy in his own right, but owns only one pair of pants that he sags (see recent pics of surprising theater goers below),

wears shoes without laces or socks (see recent twitpic you posted of him outside of sambradly show),

only washes his hair on special occasions and holidays, smokes 3 packs a day and has the diet of a frat boy living on only hot-pockets and beer. And to love only Edward would mean that I am into a man who may or may not have bi-polar disorder (the Hillywood production of the Twilight parody comes to mind when I think of him to the tune of Katy Perry’s Hot n Cold), can only be described as beautiful because he in fact does “sparkle like diamonds”, he has an intense desire to kill me, and he is so sweet and sappy he make me as a goody-two-shoes-girl look uncivilized and ho-baggish with all his “courting” talk. So with this said, I have morphed them into one beautiful/sexy perfect man.

No socks, with shoes? No problem!

My Robward is everything I expect a man to be, but better. He has a messy side as expected, but showers on a daily basis therefore he smells delicious and not like a trash can and ash-tray, he is exceptionally well dressed like Edward minus the tweed, but has the disheveled hair-do like Rob, only it’s clean like Edwards. He likes pizza and beer, but only on occasion and he knows how to be sensitive, but is not a pansy. He is respectful but has a wild side that tends to come out, and leg hitching, pillow biting, and headboard destruction may or may not take place. He stands up and fights for his girl, but is not pushed around by her or guilted into things, and he is not afraid to tell the world he is in love (in a manly way of course), and does not hide it either because of embarrassment or obligation to a production company (cough…ROBSTEN…cough, cough). He dotes on his significant other, but is also extremely grounded. He has the ruggedness of Rob, but the charm and hygene practices of Edward (although it never does state if they take showers or not. We do know he at least changes his clothes daily).

You just can't resist me and I know it...

So as you can see, I simply can’t just love Rob without Edward being in the mix. Could you imagine loving Rob if he didn’t play Edward? Could you imagine loving Edward if he wasn’t played by Rob, but someone like, Zac Effron? If you saw Rob walking down the street as he is now (or prior to the haircut for Water for Elephants) do you think you would want to run your fingers through his greasy hair or want to take a picture with him knowing he probably hasn’t showered in a week and is wearing clothes he either stole from a set or picked up at a thrift store or pawned from a homeless guy?? We wouldn’t love Zac Effron the same because unfortunately, he was in High School Music and that just makes him seem a little too…metro for my liking. We love Rob as Edward because that’s all we know him as. Of course he was Cederic Diggory in Harry Potter, but who remembers him while he was going through that odd adolescent phase where his head was disproportionately large for his body? We know and love him as Edward.

It is these things that make me think that everyone of us is in fact holding onto our own version of Robward, and that is why we follow his every move, and that is what makes my rationalization “normal”. Because I recognize these things. Right?

Robward is my Romeo,

Juliet

UH DUH Juliet it’s all that stuff, right? All the Rob and the Edward stuff rolled into one. Right? What say you guys? Do you want just the Rob stuff, or is it a little bit of the Edward allure? And seriously can we talk about these new pictures?? Wowza…

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Robward

This is Rob

Dear Rob,

Yesterday I spent time with a girl that you’ll want to marry RIGHT NOW. She was a real-live human being who knows nothing about Twilight except that “it’s about vampires.” I KNOW- apparently females like that DO exist.

Picture the following scenario: yesterday I leave Moon in LA (and sob) and drive to Orange County to spend some time with my first roommate in college, who I affectionately call Roomalufugus.  She asks me what I’ve been up to since I saw her last year. I tell her nothing much- I spend all my free time in the outdoors, enjoying the fresh air and purging myself from the dangers of technology and all this “social networking” hype that I have no interest in getting caught up in.  Actually, I really broke down and went all fangirl crazy on her and blurted out my love for all things Twi & Rob-related and gushed about LTR & LTT and our readers like I was a proud Twi-mom, to which she responded, “are you seriously obsessed with a book about VAMPIRES?” A BOOK ABOUT VAMPIRES? Roomalufugus needed to be set straight:

Me: Rooms, it’s SO much more than a VAMPIRE story. It’s a LOVE story- and the guy just happens to be a vamp. It’s about the dynamics in the relationship between a human & a vamp- a vamp that abstains from drinking human blood!
Roomalufugus: But.. it’s vampires, right? Like, they do vampire stuff.
Me: (Feeling slightly awkward b/c it’s like I’ve been away at youth group camp aka “how to share your faith camp” all summer and suddenly I’m home & faced with a “non-believer” and I forget everything I learned all summer long) Well, kinda. It’s not weird. I wouldn’t read it if it was weird. I PROMISE. It’s so great and SEXUAL but without sex. There’s this tension because they can’t get super physical because he would kill her.
Roomalufugus: (blank stare) So… how do you become a vampire?
We’ll skip this part but I basically gave her a quick rundown of Carlisle, the Cullen family, etc. etc. and this is the only important part:
Me: Well, back in 1918, Carlisle was working in a hospital in Chicago and Rob was dying from the spanish influenza. Carlisle was really lonely and wanted a companion so he… OH MY GOSH (almost fall off bed because of my intense laughter)
Roomalufugus: Why are you being a crazy person?
Me: I just called him ROB! I called Edward ROB!

True story. I did this. I was ashamed. I am ashamed. This letter is my confession.

This is Edward

I loved Edward before I loved you. When I read Twilight and found out it was going to be made into a movie, I didn’t care that you were going to play Edward because I didn’t care about you. Plus I figured the movie was going to suck compared to the book. It did, but since I expected that I was happy. And I was even happier because you made me love Edward more because you were so effing hot.

After I realized your greatness I jumped on the Google to find out more about you. I started watching videos, reading interviews, looking at pictures, perusing blogs etc. etc. etc., and I haven’t stopped yet. I’ve been telling myself that I crush on you because: 1) you’re incredibly attractive  2) you’re a great actor 3) you’re a great musician 4) you’re extremely humble 5) you just don’t give a damn 6) what else is there to do in the ‘burbs 7) you have a HOT British accent 8 ) you’re hilarious &  sarcastic 9) you have an “I don’t give a sh*t about Hollywood” attitude and 10) you’re so freakin’ hot it’s unbelievable. But it turns out the only reason I actually like you is because you played Edward. You’re my Robward- my subconscious doesn’t lie.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: I would like to remind you all that behind every little teeny tiny thing we write on this blog is sarcasm. So don’t start hatin’ on me for not being a ‘legit’ Rob fan. Believe me, I love Rob for legit reasons. I mean, have you seen his sex hair?

678 Commented