Dirty Dancing or just Dirty?

Dear Rob,

Some person at Kristen’s friends Dirty Dancing party took a picture of you guys looking scuzzy and it “magically” made it’s way onto the nets via the super reliable Hollywood Life. First off you both look like the “before” picture of cast members on Celebrity Rehab or maybe those homeless teens on Venice Beach with the mangy dog and the dreads selling hemp necklaces. You know the ones (sad). Either way, it’s not good. It just makes me think the inside of the “palatial pad” in Los Feliz (yes, we all know now) looks like that picture of Whitney Houston’s bathroom or maybe you just have a couple lawn chairs set up in the living room in front of the 90 inch tv that came with the house but you can’t find the remote to.

Quick, someone to the Photoshop machine!

Second, if you’re going to a theme party can we at least pretend you sort of put two seconds of thought into your “costumes?” If you’re going to be Johnny or even just a random greaser may I suggest some tight ass black pants, dance boots, and a pompadour wig? Best lady friend who gets a botched abortion for 200 bucks in an alley named Penny, optional. Kristen is like half way there, though I doubt this was on purpose. All she needs to do to complete the look it pull the bottom of the shirt through the neck hole (we’ve all done it), throw on a curly wig, carry a watermelon and talk about going to Mount Holyoke in the fall… or maybe the peace corps. It’s more wholesome 50s and less hipster dbags. Seriously guys, this is easy.

I brought a spiked watermelon

I expect a little more effort when you come to my Dowton Abbey themed costume birthday party this year. We’re talking Morning jackets, tweed hunting coats, HAIR, dress TomStu up in a Chauffeur costume and have him drive you to the party in the “motor.”  Plant Sam Bradley in someone’s bed as dead Mr. Pamuk. Really, this is the level of commitment for a costume party that me and my friends expect. FYI.

No one puts Rob in a corner… well maybe they do if he looks like that…

PS Tell your friend this costume has nothing to do with Dirty Dancing. That is a Hipster denim diaper. Have you people even seen Dirty Dancing?

PPS Remember these AMAZING videos from forever ago?? Suddenly seems perfect…

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