Do you know that a 2 night stay in a hotel with you during Breaking Dawn Filming in Vancouver, is being auctioned off for a good cause?
You must have been listening when I wanted you to be more like Kellan in regards to charity. But this is AHMAZING! I mean talk about sacrifice! You never know WHO could win this thing or who you’ll be in a hotel room with for 2 nights. It could be a crazy Krisbian who really just wants to meet Kristen or wants to tell you to treat her right, or maybe it’s it Taylor Swift hoping to win back TLaut or it could be one of those crazy Rob fans who are “on the list.” You know the list. OR it could be me because I’ve taken out a 2nd mortgage, drained my 401K, withdrew all our LTT store money (27 dollars!) and “borrowed” all of UC and Mr. Choice’s life savings (shhh! Don’t tell) and started selling life size cardboard Jumping Rob’s (a gabillion in preorders already!). So I’m pretty sure, unless Nikki Reed starts bidding against me (I can’t compete against revenge money) I will win!! Don’t be scuuuurrred!
But what will we do for 2 whole days in a hotel room? Ok, get your mind out of the gutter (no wait, don’t).
I’ve come up with a few ideas for our two days…
and just because we can now… follow the jump(ing Rob) for the rest!! Continue…
WAIT… esqueeze me one moment… YOU HAVEN’T READ BREAKING DAWN?! While I can understand loving Eclipse so much and just thinking it should have ended there… but you play EDWARD FREAKIN’ CULLEN! How have you not read Breaking Dawn?
You’ve read Midnight Sun for goodness sake, not even all the folks who have read the Twilight saga have read Stephenie’s alternate take on Twilight from Edward’s POV but you have! Yet you haven’t cracked Breaking Dawn.
You have LOADS of time on your hands… besides while you were actually filming the other three Twilight films what about all those 23948290347 plane flights you’ve been on or the set of Bel Ami? That looked like a real snooze fest. And what about all those free Saturday nights you told Oprah you have. Since you’re not hanging with me you have loads of time to run through all 756 pages. I got through it in a couple days WHILE on a business trip in 2008. So it’s definitely possible for you.
So I was thinking if you haven’t read Breaking Dawn and all you’ve really heard about is the Vampire C-Section than you’ve got a lot to catch up on and I’m just the person to help you out! Cause I definitely want you to go into filming prepared and knowing exactly what to expect…
Edward and Bella have an old timey wedding in the backyard of the Cullens. Think high neck dresses. This of course means you and Kristen get to simulate having the sexy times on the big screen for all the Robsteners to salivate over and (fingers crossed) record bootleg videos to take home and turn into crazy grossgusting fan videos!
Please to be making it NOT sound like this:
You know that kid BooBoo Stewart who plays a werewolf? Well Edward and Seth become like BFF’s in Breaking Dawn. So get ready for Bobo (Love ya KrazyKidd) to come knocking on your trailer at all times with his mom in tow looking for some twitter “exclusives” for @mammarazzi and Tiger Beat Magazine.
Bella will be stronger than Edward Cullen – Yes that means you will have to act like Kristen Stewart’s skinny little chicken bone legs could crush your marble like face. Um woah, just reread that and I’m gonna let it stay. Reread that one Rob and try not to blush.
Basically this for hours on end
Jacob and Leah will run around the Cullen house for at least half the movie – They will call this “running the perimeter” or “running patrols” it’s just an excuse for them to get away from all the lovey dovey Bella/Edward crap, the fact that Bella is having an alien demon baby and you whining about Bella having the baby.
Edward makes Bella eggs on Isle Esme (the island designating for the deflowering) this means you need to learn more than operating a microwave or toaster and no you can’t substitute the filet o fish sandwich Big Daddy brings to set that day. No, Jacob isn’t in that scene and Taylor won’t be on set, but Big Daddy is a HUGE Robstener. He needs to see the magicness in person and not just in his head like he always imagined, so he will be lurking near the headboard with a greasy bag. Just ignore the fried fish smell. And the quiet moaning.
Rosalie will bend metal into a dog dish – Yes, you must also pretend that Nikki Reed can bend a metal mixing bowl into a dog dish with her bare hands and those eye brows.
Yup, you guys
So do you feel like you’re prepared now? Are you ready to bring Edward to life again in Breaking Dawn? You having not read Breaking Dawn at this point seems almost unfathomable but I guess anything is possible and who really wanted the saga to end? I definitely dragged out reading Breaking Dawn as long as I could cause I didn’t want it to end but the time is now my friend, you will be playing Edward again very soon and it’s time to get prepared. I will give you my SIGNED copy of Breaking Dawn if you promise to keep the dried tear stains to a minimum or at least to the pages where Jacob and Leah are running the perimeter.
Breaking Your Dawn,
SRSLY, can you believe Rob hasn’t ready Breaking Dawn? I don’t know what I was so surprised, but really? What else can we tell Rob about BD that he doesn’t know yet?
I was all fine with packing up my tchotchkes for the big move (5 minutes from my current place) and having an emo night by myself until I saw this picture of you surprising the crowd at the IMAX screening of Eclipse in Century City.
FML. I mean really? FML. I’m home throwing photo albums labeled “Bitches and Hos” and framed pictures of my grandparents into boxes and you’re showing up at movie theaters in my city? And speaking of my city… you were downtown filming that movie Water for Elephants (which I will read at the end of the month on my big trip) which is conveniently located minutes from my shack and after RARELY stopping to take pics with fans or even show your smug mug on the Filmore set you stop and take pictures with fans now?! In a Penguin hoodie?! COME ON!
It’s times like these that I can’t take living here. It’s knowing you may be 10 minutes from my house, your trailer at an intersection of downtown that I know very well, you at a movie theater I walked past a week ago, and it’s just you being in my general vicinity that I can’t take. I feel like I’m on high alert all that time, that as any moment I could cross your path. I even thought about (for a hot minute) going to said IMAX theater last night but then I caught a glimpse of my crazy self in the base of the mercury glass candle stick I was packing and remembered I’m not a psycho and should calm the ef down! I repeated the mantra “I am normal… I am normal… do not walk out of this door with your greasy ass hair thinking you’re going to see Rob. Freak… I am normal.”
Unlike this girl…
Though I can’t say I blame her those cardboard cutout things aren’t cheap AND they make a great conversation piece next to all your tchotchkes (isn’t that the best word ever?)… I can’t also blame her because I would have dared someone to do this during the “Truth or Dare” portion of #leghitch2010 only we never got that far, we only dared someone to sharpie a teardrop under Kristen Stewart’s eye and look how that turned out**. Laugh now, cry later, after all. But don’t think we won’t be daring someone to rip off the Breaking Dawn cardboard cutout at a Burger King or Borders during #PillowBite2011. That is SOOO happening.
So even though you’re out running a muck in my city (like how I’ve claimed it for myself?) I just can’t be on high alert anymore, I might go crazy… or worse yet not get my packing done and then I’ll be the crazy girl with no house and a ripped up Edward cutout from Eastern Europe or wherever that was. So I hope you’ll accept my resignation and revoke my fan card for failing to be at any of these events in Los Angeles. But maybe you’ll understand and hand me that special “I’m Normal” card you’ve got hidden in your back pocket for special folks like me?? I can only hope.
**CALM DOWN I’M KIDDING! I’m SO JOKING about the Sharpie, it was a little girl who accidentally got her sharpie filled hand knocked into Kristen’s face, not us. We have eye witnesses! JOKES PEOPLE! I hate that I have to write this here, but some folks lack of a sense of humor makes me do it**
But anyway… Who wants to pack up my house while I go try to reclaim my fancard? Or is the “I’m Normal” card better to have? Have you thought about using the 5 finger discount on a cardboard Edward in a store near you?
You’re back on the set of Water for Elephants and you’ve been seen all over the LA area wearing tuxes and dirty clothes and my newest favorite: riding boots and (kinda, not really) jodpurs. Maybe it’s the jodpurs and thinking of my grandma telling stories about hers and seeing picture or maybe it’s those riding boots but I love it. All I can think about is the song “Pony” by Ginuwine. “My pony, let’s do it, ride it my Rosie!”
My saddle's waiting, come and jump on it!
Here’s to hoping instead of period appropriate music they use mid 90s R&B songs by men with misspelled stage name in Water for Elephants!
Let’s do it!
PS Happy 4th of July to the folks who live in the States! Enjoy!!!!!
Does anyone else love mid 90s R&B like me? Doesn’t it work perfectly with Rob? Are you more excited about Water for Elephants that Bel Ami? Cause I am!