My honest confession to Rob

Dear Rob,

I was going to try to break down the following topic Vanity-Fair Style with The Quad, but I’ve decided to grow a pair and tackle the subject on my own.

Today’s class topic has to do with this post that Gozde from Robsessed wrote last week. She said, and I quote,

I am dedicating this song to everyone that freaks out whenever Rob and ANY girl is mentioned!

My motto: “If he is not shagging me I don’t care who he shags.” Adopt the motto, you’ll be happier!

I need to confess today that I cannot adopt this motto. I’ve already told Gozde, Moon & the rest of The Quad, but I am writing today to tell you. I can say those words out loud, but I don’t mean them. I DO care who your shagging. And not just because I care about you and keeping you away from VD and genital warts either, but because I’m jealous. Yep, I’ll admit it- I’m jealous of whomever you might shag, touch, kiss, smoke with, sing with & to, hug or talk to despite that being completely irrational, silly, childish and well, fan-girl CRAZY. And not just in a “Make something up, UC, you write a blog and need content for tomorrow” sorta way either. I really mean it (wow, I’m being honest today and I’m not even drinking anything….)

When I confessed this to Moon she said,

Oh, I care 100% [who Rob shags]. I am a jealous girl at heart, so of course I will care. Gozde is a far bigger woman than I am (and see, admitting that is the first step!)
I have jotted down a few reasons why I cannot adopt this motto as my own:
  • I am a jealous person, too. (I still get jealous when my sister tells her husband something before she tells me, even though that’s normal)
  • I don’t want to think of you as virginal or inexperienced, Rob, but I also don’t want to be thinking of you shaggin’ anyone else either
  • Notice I say “anyone else” in the reason above. By saying “else” that means someone other than me. Subconsciously I must think I have a chance
  • It is wonderful to think that your sexy gazes (see below) are for me and not for some slut that isn’t me (cuz every girl that isn’t me who you shag is a slut, ps)

After reading my reasons over a few times, I had a few thoughts about my honesty and craziness… my crazy honesty:

  • I am 100% aware that the chances of you and I bumpin’ uglies (did I just say that?) are 0%
  • I am also aware that the main hurdle to our bumpin’ uglies is my husband (notice I don’t think us meeting or you falling for me is a hurdle… No, I think that’d be the easy part)
  • I keep using the word “bumpin’ uglies” which will probably make you NOT want to bump uglies with me b/c it sounds like a phrase a 40yr old virgin would use (it’s up there with “Rob, I want to give you my flower”), but I just want to share another term I learned in the urban dictionary when I looked up “bumpin’ uglies:”

Pounding Spam: Refers to a man that cheats on his hot wife or girlfriend with an undesirable, disfigured, or otherwise deformed ugly. “She should leave him. She’s always slaving at home while he’s out Poundin’ Spam”

I’ve been so distraught over my obviously irrational state of mind that I went back to the source of my struggle: Gozde.  I confessed my struggle with her motto and told her I just could not make it my mantra, despite knowing I’ll never have you (and subconsciously thinking I just might…) Here were her words of wisdom:
I can’t get jealous of him ’cause as you said, he’s never gonna be mine, so I’ll settle for someone nice and hope for a sex tape to leak
Well, it wouldn’t be as great as bumpin’ uglies with you, but I’d take a sex tape leak too (preferably with the girl you’re with blurred out…. Lord knows no one needs to see Kristen or Nikki in that position)
I decided to take matters into my own hands, and come up with my own motto:
Rob, if you’re not with me, then you’re Poundin’ Spam
Also… I am confessing this today expecting to get some haters (you know we love haters- we have a special folder for haters in our inboxes and they will soon play a special role on our blog) but mostly knowing that I’m going to hear a huge resounding cry of what is slowly becoming the LTR motto (see scene from Monday of my LA Trip) “THAT’S NORMAL”
Oh!? Me & you... yeah... I'm down with that....

Oh!? Me & you... yeah... I'm down with that....

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