Rob Pattinson on the Daily Show: Political jokes and… um awkward

Dear Rob,

2 of our favorite things happened last night: You + Jon Stewart. Oh and male spanx jokes, so make that 3 things. And Brookelockart & I decided to live break-it-down:

UC: do you think Rob is going to comment on Paul Ryan’s appointment to VP running mate. or perhaps once & for all tell us where he stands on Obamacare? I know we’ve been DYING to know
Brookelockart: I have a feeling that most of this chat will be me gushing over the genius that is Jon Stewart. I’d totally date a jew*, if they were as awesome as Jon Stewart. YAY! it’s on, Go Smart Funny Jew!! aaaaand good looking (said like a jewish mother)
UC: they’ll talk about the London Olympics for sure. Maybe discuss One Direction’s performance last night
Brookelockart: Haha– the Message to Twilight fans– Jon knows his audience tonight
UC: LOVE YOU JON
Brookelockart: hahahhah, he has to explain the Daily show to the new audience.
UC: I feel so welcome. Even though I’m a normal watcher
Brookelockart: me too. Like he rolled out a special welcome mat for us.

This sexy Jewish guy has a message for Twilight fans (click to read)

Brookelockart:Do you think Robstens lean right or left?
UC: I don’t know….. they could go either way
Brookelockart: nice PC answer UC. you could run for government
UC: I could. but if you make me answer…. Well- some want EVERYONE to leave ROBSTEN alone, which I assume includes the government– so therefore they lean right…Some ROBSTENers though feel entitled to ROBSTENs relationship– and they probably love social security & medicaid too, so they lean left. I so smart.

Brookelockart: dammmmm..Paul Ryan is trying to glamour us
UC: haha dreamboat
Brookelockart: it’s like all the Paul Ryan Gosling memes say
UC: wait.. those EXIST?
Brookelockart: ZOMG YES. there’s even a twitter
UC: i just found a tumblr
Brookelockart: “@PaulRyanGosling: Hey girl, I just ate a corn dog. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.” all the giggles!
UC: “@PaulRyanGosling: Hey girl, Mitt and I partied way too hard last night. Motherf*cker had FIVE Diet Sprites. The dude is insane.”

Brookelockart: So back to Rob on this show… do you think Jon showed him the questions before hand? because after his last appearance, I have to imagine Jon pitied Rob. That interview was so awkward that I had to keep looking away and changing the channel.
UC: oh yeah… i actually completely forgot about that interview…. i mean.. it … seems so long ago!
Brookelockart: It quite possibly was the most awkward interview that I’ve ever seen. Even worse than him being called a palsey chicken at comic con.
UC: well yes.. they have to had had some discussion.. b/c of the big elephant in the room (obvs talking about his unibrow)

Brookelockart: OOOOOH. it’s time.
UC: ugh… unf
Brookelockart: He’s in the SUIT. Good GOD
UC: do we know that person who screamed in the audience. I bet we do. Or was that me? ICE CREAM… good call Jon– nice touch. Also WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT so I can go buy every one at my local Wawa.

Brookelockart: OH ROB..SEE. HE CANNOT PLAY. AWKWARD. TONGUE IN THE ICE CREAM. TONGUE IN THE ICE CREAM
UC: NAH– rob is lactose.. he won’t eat it
Brookelockart: BUT THERE WAS TONGUE
UC: SOMEONE SCREEN CAP THAT
Brookelockart: Wait. do YOU KNOW THAT? About him being Lactose?
UC: BROOKE– of course i don’t know that. i’m NORMAL remember?

You can Double Spank me

UC: i’m cringing
Brookelockart: hahahahahhahah. AWKWARD. SOOOOO AWKWARD
Brookelockart: Has rob completed a sentence yet?
UC: no
Brookelockart: aww, Jon’s a nice big brother friend..even though after he probably walks back to the staff and says, effing idiot.
UC: yeah….. this is first right? cuz this is the BEST first interview possible. And can we agree that he really DOES need a publicist?
Brookelockart: his hair is looking pretty fantastic. SIDE NOTE
UC: um don’t pick your nose rob. but YES.. the hair… and the blue suit.. ugh.. hot..
Brookelockart: NOT YOUR NOSE– YOU ARE ON CAMERA. he really does need training
UC: and OMG he looks like my crush from 3rd- 8th grade. even more than EVER. i wish I could make him (my crush) model for the LTR world
Brookelockart: it all comes full circle– what is his life that he just talked about his break up to Jon stewart (and by talk, I mean he threw out some phrases and words that sorta made sense but were really not a coherent thought…)

Oh Rob… this is your life??!!!!

PS you looked amaaazing

Love,

UC & Brookelockart

*note: Brookelockart is Jewish and has never dated a Jew. Unless you count that one guy in 7th grade. Which I do and she doesn’t. So what does a friend like me do? Send her pictures of available Jewish guys all the time. Hot, not, small, fat, old, young. You’re welcome Brooke.

Ps: You can pick you friends and you can pick your nose, but you can never pick Rob Pattinson’s nose.

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