Wait, Rob hasn’t read Breaking Dawn?

Dear Rob,

WAIT… esqueeze me one moment… YOU HAVEN’T READ BREAKING DAWN?! While I can understand loving Eclipse so much and just thinking it should have ended there… but you play EDWARD FREAKIN’ CULLEN! How have you not read Breaking Dawn?

You’ve read Midnight Sun for goodness sake, not even all the folks who have read the Twilight saga have read Stephenie’s alternate take on Twilight from Edward’s POV but you have! Yet you haven’t cracked Breaking Dawn.

You have LOADS of time on your hands… besides while you were actually filming the other three Twilight films what about all those 23948290347 plane flights you’ve been on or the set of Bel Ami? That looked like a real snooze fest. And what about all those free Saturday nights you told Oprah you have. Since you’re not hanging with me you have loads of time to run through all 756 pages. I got through it in a couple days WHILE on a business trip in 2008. So it’s definitely possible for you.

So I was thinking if you haven’t read Breaking Dawn and all you’ve really heard about is the Vampire C-Section than you’ve got a lot to catch up on and I’m just the person to help you out! Cause I definitely want you to go into filming prepared and knowing exactly what to expect…

  • Edward and Bella have an old timey wedding in the backyard of the Cullens. Think high neck dresses. This of course means you and Kristen get to simulate having the sexy times on the big screen for all the Robsteners to salivate over and (fingers crossed) record bootleg videos to take home and turn into crazy grossgusting fan videos!

Please to be making it NOT sound like this:
[audio:http://letterstotwilight.com.s83451.gridserver.com/music/NewMoonPornKiss2.mp3]

  • You know that kid BooBoo Stewart who plays a werewolf? Well Edward and Seth become like BFF’s in Breaking Dawn. So get ready for Bobo (Love ya KrazyKidd) to come knocking on your trailer at all times with his mom in tow looking for some twitter “exclusives” for @mammarazzi and Tiger Beat Magazine.
  • Bella will be stronger than Edward Cullen – Yes that means you will have to act like Kristen Stewart’s skinny little chicken bone legs could crush your marble like face. Um woah, just reread that and I’m gonna let it stay. Reread that one Rob and try not to blush.

Basically this for hours on end

  • Jacob and Leah will run around the Cullen house for at least half the movie – They will call this “running the perimeter” or “running patrols” it’s just an excuse for them to get away from all the lovey dovey Bella/Edward crap, the fact that Bella is having an alien demon baby and you whining about Bella having the baby.
  • Edward makes Bella eggs on Isle Esme (the island designating for the deflowering) this means you need to learn more than operating a microwave or toaster and no you can’t substitute the filet o fish sandwich Big Daddy brings to set that day. No, Jacob isn’t in that scene and Taylor won’t be on set, but Big Daddy is a HUGE Robstener. He needs to see the magicness in person and not just in his head like he always imagined, so he will be lurking near the headboard with a greasy bag. Just ignore the fried fish smell. And the quiet moaning.
  • Rosalie will bend metal into a dog dish – Yes, you must also pretend that Nikki Reed can bend a metal mixing bowl into a dog dish with her bare hands and those eye brows.

Yup, you guys

So do you feel like you’re prepared now? Are you ready to bring Edward to life again in Breaking Dawn? You having not read Breaking Dawn at this point seems almost unfathomable but I guess anything is possible and who really wanted the saga to end? I definitely dragged out reading Breaking Dawn as long as I could cause I didn’t want it to end but the time is now my friend, you will be playing Edward again very soon and it’s time to get prepared. I will give you my SIGNED copy of Breaking Dawn if you promise to keep the dried tear stains to a minimum or at least to the pages where Jacob and Leah are running the perimeter.

Breaking Your Dawn,
Themoonisdown

SRSLY, can you believe Rob hasn’t ready Breaking Dawn? I don’t know what I was so surprised, but really? What else can we tell Rob about BD that he doesn’t know yet?

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