How NOT to pick up women in Los Angeles, Rob

A how to NOT guide

Dear Rob,

I was just reading the Los Angeles magazine “The LA Woman” edition (yea, I’m a little behind) and I came across a cute little one pager called “How to pick up a local lady” by Stacey Grenrock Woods in which she writes out 1o different scenarios for picking up an Angelino lady. So since you’ve been around these parts for some time now AND since you seem to the man about town these days with ladies and men and whoever I thought this might be a good little read for you… only me being a lady of LA myself have a bit of advice should you choose to exercise any of these tips with possible answer you would receive…

No. 1
Tell her that you caught her guest spot on Rizzoli & Isles. When she says you’re mistaken, admit that you thought she looked too upmarket for television and should really be focusing on film. After sighing that these rum launch parties can be awfully tedious, suggest the two of you go somewhere quiet where she can vent about her manager.

Her answer: You’re a douche bag. Get away from me.

Does my compost pile turn you on??

No. 3
Compliment her on her straw fedora and ask if she’d like another Diet Coke and vodka. Tell her you think CityWalk has become too commercial but that you know some “ultrahip” spots on the Eastside and the mixologists who work at them. Remind her that she can never have too much material for her vlog.

Her answer: First of all CityWalk has always been commercial that’s like it’s whole reason for being. No one goes there who isn’t a tourist or doesn’t have to go to Universal City for something. Also if you use the words “ultrahip” and “mixologist” in the same sentence you’re not talking about anything on the Eastside. TRUST ME. Oh and do me.

No. 4
Tell her you’re impressed that someone as petite as she can put away so much deep-fried bone marrow. Remark that, although this gastropub has 5,000 craft beers, the platings are a bit too Top Chef for your taste. Offer to take her to a pho-and-Belgian-waffle truck that no one knows about yet.

Her answer: Do me on top of Belgian-waffle truck. NOW.

No. 5
Confess that you find the Twilight books to be a taut blend of fantasy and myth. Would she like to hear some verse you’ve been working on? Recite Poe’s “To Helen,” changing “The glory that was Greece” to “The glory that was Forks, Washington.” Squinting pensively, tell her this bus stop is altogether too bright and suggest you both go back to your place to talk about the undead.

Her answer: Wait… aren’t you??? *looks around* Wtf is this??? Oh and DO ME.

No. 6
Pick up her dog and give it a big kiss on the mouth. Wonder why so many people are put off by Chinese cresteds—they’re the cutest things you’ve ever seen. Tell her you’ve heard that a lot of unneutered pit bulls come to this dog park and that you know of a better one with hand sanitizer stations and free biodegradable bags.

Her answer: Put down that dog and do me.

No. 7
Compliment her on her crocheted minidress. Say it reminds you of the one your mother used to wear back in the Haight. Tell her she’s by far the most stylish person in this entire Urban Outfitters and offer to drive her through Topanga Canyon and show her where Devendra Banhart lives.

Her answer: You really just compared me to your MOM while we’re standing in an URBAN OUTFITTERS? I’ll forget that if when we get to Devendra’s you leave.

No. 10
Lock your purple fixed-gear bike to a parking meter and ask her where she got that beautiful tattoo of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s signature because you’ve been thinking of getting one just like it. Is it the same artist who did Ashlee Simpson’s work? Inquire if she wants to grab a community-supported grain bowl at Café Gratitude.

Her answer: If you think I’m the kind of person who would go to the same tattoo artist as a Simpson sister, clearly I’m not the girl you’ll be happy with. Now do me before you go find her at the Oakwood Apartments in a one bedroom apartment with 7 roommates looking to make her big break. (LA jokes!)

Ok, so clearly most of us ladies in LA would probably DO YOU even if you used some of these AWFUL pick up lines. I mean Bear could pee on my leg at the aforementioned dog park and I’d probably still do you on a bench at the dog park. I’m not proud of it (as I blog about it for the world) but hey, I’m just here to tell you these lines don’t work and you just know LA better than this if you’re going to attempt a pick up line about Los Angeles. My advice? Just stick with the bumbling british persona and let your accent do the talking.

Do me now!

Source: LA Magazine

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