How NOT to pick up women in Los Angeles, Rob

A how to NOT guide

Dear Rob,

I was just reading the Los Angeles magazine “The LA Woman” edition (yea, I’m a little behind) and I came across a cute little one pager called “How to pick up a local lady” by Stacey Grenrock Woods in which she writes out 1o different scenarios for picking up an Angelino lady. So since you’ve been around these parts for some time now AND since you seem to the man about town these days with ladies and men and whoever I thought this might be a good little read for you… only me being a lady of LA myself have a bit of advice should you choose to exercise any of these tips with possible answer you would receive…

No. 1
Tell her that you caught her guest spot on Rizzoli & Isles. When she says you’re mistaken, admit that you thought she looked too upmarket for television and should really be focusing on film. After sighing that these rum launch parties can be awfully tedious, suggest the two of you go somewhere quiet where she can vent about her manager.

Her answer: You’re a douche bag. Get away from me.

Does my compost pile turn you on??

No. 3
Compliment her on her straw fedora and ask if she’d like another Diet Coke and vodka. Tell her you think CityWalk has become too commercial but that you know some “ultrahip” spots on the Eastside and the mixologists who work at them. Remind her that she can never have too much material for her vlog.

Her answer: First of all CityWalk has always been commercial that’s like it’s whole reason for being. No one goes there who isn’t a tourist or doesn’t have to go to Universal City for something. Also if you use the words “ultrahip” and “mixologist” in the same sentence you’re not talking about anything on the Eastside. TRUST ME. Oh and do me.

No. 4
Tell her you’re impressed that someone as petite as she can put away so much deep-fried bone marrow. Remark that, although this gastropub has 5,000 craft beers, the platings are a bit too Top Chef for your taste. Offer to take her to a pho-and-Belgian-waffle truck that no one knows about yet.

Her answer: Do me on top of Belgian-waffle truck. NOW.

No. 5
Confess that you find the Twilight books to be a taut blend of fantasy and myth. Would she like to hear some verse you’ve been working on? Recite Poe’s “To Helen,” changing “The glory that was Greece” to “The glory that was Forks, Washington.” Squinting pensively, tell her this bus stop is altogether too bright and suggest you both go back to your place to talk about the undead.

Her answer: Wait… aren’t you??? *looks around* Wtf is this??? Oh and DO ME.

No. 6
Pick up her dog and give it a big kiss on the mouth. Wonder why so many people are put off by Chinese cresteds—they’re the cutest things you’ve ever seen. Tell her you’ve heard that a lot of unneutered pit bulls come to this dog park and that you know of a better one with hand sanitizer stations and free biodegradable bags.

Her answer: Put down that dog and do me.

No. 7
Compliment her on her crocheted minidress. Say it reminds you of the one your mother used to wear back in the Haight. Tell her she’s by far the most stylish person in this entire Urban Outfitters and offer to drive her through Topanga Canyon and show her where Devendra Banhart lives.

Her answer: You really just compared me to your MOM while we’re standing in an URBAN OUTFITTERS? I’ll forget that if when we get to Devendra’s you leave.

No. 10
Lock your purple fixed-gear bike to a parking meter and ask her where she got that beautiful tattoo of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s signature because you’ve been thinking of getting one just like it. Is it the same artist who did Ashlee Simpson’s work? Inquire if she wants to grab a community-supported grain bowl at Café Gratitude.

Her answer: If you think I’m the kind of person who would go to the same tattoo artist as a Simpson sister, clearly I’m not the girl you’ll be happy with. Now do me before you go find her at the Oakwood Apartments in a one bedroom apartment with 7 roommates looking to make her big break. (LA jokes!)

Ok, so clearly most of us ladies in LA would probably DO YOU even if you used some of these AWFUL pick up lines. I mean Bear could pee on my leg at the aforementioned dog park and I’d probably still do you on a bench at the dog park. I’m not proud of it (as I blog about it for the world) but hey, I’m just here to tell you these lines don’t work and you just know LA better than this if you’re going to attempt a pick up line about Los Angeles. My advice? Just stick with the bumbling british persona and let your accent do the talking.

Do me now!

Source: LA Magazine

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8 Commented

Justin Bieber is ready to teach Robert Pattinson a little something about Bieber Fever

Rob, I see fly ladies dead ahead!

Dear Rob,

Recently, Justin Bieber told The Daily Mirror you guys should be wingmen and hit all kinds of fly parties to catch mad honey’s. What? You didn’t understand that?  Ok, ok I’ll interpret for The Biebs… he thinks you guys could meet some really nice (read: slutty) girls if you both went out together and harnessed your powers for mankind.

You can stop laughing now…

What? Fly honey's? Where?

Now my friends know I have a bit of a love affair with bad good pop music so I can’t deny that I don’t love me some Justin Bieber music namely: Baby. And I also won’t deny that I dance my booty off any time it plays at a party. The men may clear off the floor but the ladies rush it. So I’m not saying this is all for naught. You could learn a thing from Justin… in that ladies love to dance to his teeny bopper music and if you resisted the urge to vacate the dance floor like your male counterparts, you could pick up a lot of fly honey’s… though I doubt Kristen is the Bieber type but well… save this tip for ya know…. after… later… whatever.

Justin even mentioned that since you both have famous hair, as a pick up line you could tell girls they could touch your hair. Now you have known for years now that your hair is powerful, like Michael K of Dlisted says: Unicorn Walk through your magical forest of hair. Women have erected shrines to it’s magicness.  You don’t need the Bieb’s mop top to get any kind of ladies. Yours is REAL hair that looks like it’s been styled in all the right ways. Ahem.

As well intentioned as Justin Bieber is, he comes off like a total douche nozzle and you for the most part are NOT a douche nozzle but I think it might be interesting if you reverse Punk’d Justin (who is the new host of Ashton’s show) and told him you SO wanted to go out with him to chase some tail. You have a wealth of knowledge to impart to the next generation.

This could be you, Rob!

You could tell Justin all about hygiene and how his carefully manicured hair and stubble-free chin isn’t really necessary! In your experience you can look like the Brawny Man got lost in the mountains, fought a bear, lost, stumbled back into civilization and then rolled around in some  leftover bacon grease and women will  still lose their shit. It’s a proven fact. You can also tell him that he doesn’t really need to release any more music. From your experience all you need to do it record two songs for a soundtrack and then NEVER perform them in public and girls will act like you just recorded the new Pet Sounds or something. (you did).

Whatever you decide to do just NEVER let me catch you with the Bieber hair and we’re all good.

You’re my eenie meenie minie mo lover… (don’t judge!)

PS Brit readers: Justin says he likes British girls!!!! LUCKY! (sarcasm) So if some weird lesbian looking 15 yr old boy/girl offers to let you touch their hair you know what’s up!!! Oh and look around for Rob.

So what else could Rob teach Justin Bieber about getting chicks? Any Rob pick up lines? Anyone else have the Bieber fever?

Oh No They Didn’t!

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64 Commented

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