Rob and the Mystery of the Three Suitcases!

(Remember when I wrote a post using the sad trombone button and every time I told you to HIT IT you were supposed to hit the button? Well same thing here today. Open the HIT IT link in a new window and read away!)

Dear Rob,

Monday you returned HOME to LA (welcome back) and was seen leaving LAX with… three suitcases! HIT IT! Crazy, I know! So clearly since you own like 2 shirts and were wearing your only pair of pants these suitcases couldn’t be for you. The fans (ahem Robsten fans) KNEW it had to be something else. Like something for Kristen Stewart! HIT IT! But she pretty much owns 2 pairs of pants and a shirt so it couldn’t be her clothes, OBVIOUSLY. And as much as we both want to believe Kristen was actually IN one of those suitcases HIT IT unless the other suitcase had some sort of oxygen tank, it’s probably not her. So I’m here to figure out what all those suitcases could be… in (say it in a loud and booming theatrical trailer style voice) Rob and the Mystery of the Three Suitcases! HIT IT!

What could the three suitcases be full of?

1. A years supply of Hobknobs and Marks & Spence Underwears HIT IT!
2. Fish and Chips because Harry Clearwater’s fish fry actually isn’t the best in the world. SHHHHH! HIT IT!
3. The ashes of Patty. He wants to spread them over the Pacific Ocean and the In N Out Drive Thru HIT IT!
4. Being a girl who might actually have and take 3 suitcases worth of clothes to Europe, Ashley Greene blackmailed Rob into taking home hers so she could go on a shopping spree and fill up 3 more suitcases. HIT IT!
5. All of the clothes Claire sat our for charity donation. It’s almost winter here in LA! HIT IT!
6. A little hit of London’s rain and fog (he misses it) HIT IT!
7. His beard trimming system. Gotta keep the facial hair in tip top shape whether it’s heard, goatees, mustaches or chin patches HIT IT!
8. Letters from Dick. Dick decided it was more genteel to send letters the old fashioned way. Then he realized he didn’t have any stamps. HIT IT!
9. Dean bought a lot of Man Jewelry in Europe and couldn’t fit it all in his luggage so Rob offered to use his extra luggage allowance HIT IT!
10. This is part of his book library. He’s decorating his new home and wanted to fill it with his favorite books. HIT IT!
11. Swedish Fish. HIT IT! He got hooked on them while promoting the film in Sweden. Little does he know we totally have those here.
12. Macaroons from La Duree HIT IT! He knows how much I love them and bought back 3 suitcases full. What a good guy!

Since it simply cannot be normal stuff like clothes, personal belongings or stuff from her place here in LA, you know like normal people put in suitcases. The fandom just WON’T allow it, we’re left with guessing and these are the best options. I’ll report back later on what’s actually in there when I go to “visit” later. If he’s anything like me he’ll still have those suitcases in various states of unpacked for months to come.

No baggage here!

PS Is it weird I kinda miss the lopsided toupee heairdo?? Cause I do. HIT IT!

Also, Water for Elephants is out on DVD! Go and getcha some!

So do we think it’s some master conspiracy or is he just bringing back some of his stuff? Why must everything be a mystery?

Thanks Drama Button!

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20 Commented

Lost: Robert Pattinson, have you seen this boy? And his clothes?

Dear Rob,

I’m worried about you… you see I think you must be lost and can’t find your way home from the airport because you are wearing the SAME clothes Friday as you were when you arrived in London last week. And since I KNOW Claire would just point you towards Dick’s closet for you to fish out a new shirt and dad jacket that means you MUST be lost.

The Evidence:
Airport last week
Random street in London, Friday.

By the looks of it you only changed out the hoodie for a red plaid flannel from that big ass suitcase (srsly, it’s BIG). So that leads me to my next assumption: which crazy ass Rob fan stole your suitcase rendering you with only the clothes on your back and a waded up flannel in your backpack. What is going on? Where are your clothes??!!! What aren’t they telling us??!1!1!!!! (shout out to Bridesmaids)

Now do something exciting! Like buy some cheese at the grocery or take your parents for a Sunday drive in the car.

PS Please laugh that I tagged this post “fashion.” Because that is laughable.

PPS The more I look at you in pics from Comic Con (like this one) the more I LIKE IT!

bring back Punk Rock Comic Con Rob! Stop covering up this weird off kilter toupee hairdoooo!
Oh hai back there Nick.

So really, where are his clothes? What do we think Rob will do next? Make a run to Nando’s? Buy some undies with TomStu?

PS Grabbed that fan photo over at Rob Pattinson Life (how cute is it?!)

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25 Commented

Posted in: Rob
Tags: , , ,

Justin Bieber is ready to teach Robert Pattinson a little something about Bieber Fever

Rob, I see fly ladies dead ahead!

Dear Rob,

Recently, Justin Bieber told The Daily Mirror you guys should be wingmen and hit all kinds of fly parties to catch mad honey’s. What? You didn’t understand that?  Ok, ok I’ll interpret for The Biebs… he thinks you guys could meet some really nice (read: slutty) girls if you both went out together and harnessed your powers for mankind.

You can stop laughing now…

What? Fly honey's? Where?

Now my friends know I have a bit of a love affair with bad good pop music so I can’t deny that I don’t love me some Justin Bieber music namely: Baby. And I also won’t deny that I dance my booty off any time it plays at a party. The men may clear off the floor but the ladies rush it. So I’m not saying this is all for naught. You could learn a thing from Justin… in that ladies love to dance to his teeny bopper music and if you resisted the urge to vacate the dance floor like your male counterparts, you could pick up a lot of fly honey’s… though I doubt Kristen is the Bieber type but well… save this tip for ya know…. after… later… whatever.

Justin even mentioned that since you both have famous hair, as a pick up line you could tell girls they could touch your hair. Now you have known for years now that your hair is powerful, like Michael K of Dlisted says: Unicorn Walk through your magical forest of hair. Women have erected shrines to it’s magicness.  You don’t need the Bieb’s mop top to get any kind of ladies. Yours is REAL hair that looks like it’s been styled in all the right ways. Ahem.

As well intentioned as Justin Bieber is, he comes off like a total douche nozzle and you for the most part are NOT a douche nozzle but I think it might be interesting if you reverse Punk’d Justin (who is the new host of Ashton’s show) and told him you SO wanted to go out with him to chase some tail. You have a wealth of knowledge to impart to the next generation.

This could be you, Rob!

You could tell Justin all about hygiene and how his carefully manicured hair and stubble-free chin isn’t really necessary! In your experience you can look like the Brawny Man got lost in the mountains, fought a bear, lost, stumbled back into civilization and then rolled around in some  leftover bacon grease and women will  still lose their shit. It’s a proven fact. You can also tell him that he doesn’t really need to release any more music. From your experience all you need to do it record two songs for a soundtrack and then NEVER perform them in public and girls will act like you just recorded the new Pet Sounds or something. (you did).

Whatever you decide to do just NEVER let me catch you with the Bieber hair and we’re all good.

You’re my eenie meenie minie mo lover… (don’t judge!)

PS Brit readers: Justin says he likes British girls!!!! LUCKY! (sarcasm) So if some weird lesbian looking 15 yr old boy/girl offers to let you touch their hair you know what’s up!!! Oh and look around for Rob.

So what else could Rob teach Justin Bieber about getting chicks? Any Rob pick up lines? Anyone else have the Bieber fever?

Oh No They Didn’t!

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Looking for the forum? It’s a bit under the weather right now, but the lovely mods and other fun forum gals have set up a google group and chat room until UC and I get the forum fixed. Head over there now!

64 Commented

Rob tests our Deal Breaker limits, again!

Rasta bro

Dear Rob,

Please witness the following email conversation between me and UC after I sent her this picture (to your left) of you out in London…

From Moon:
Subject: So… Rob’s in London now

the beard is bigger, the hat is still on and he’s wearing a BOB MARLEY shirt. is rob now THAT GUY??

we like him???????? 😉

From: UC
i’m QUESTIONING how I ever did.. I need that beard gone & that bob marley shirt off STAT

i think it’s time for a round two of deal breakers. B/c covering “no woman no cry” is DEF a new one of mine!

From: Moon
YES, starting with this picture. GOOD LORD.

we all love a good reggae song but it’s usually when we’re at least 6 pina coladas deep at the Sandals resort and the cover band starts to strangely look like the guys from Oceans 11. But in real life? And on Rob? No.

It’s like at any moment you could become “Ras Trent” from Saturday Night Live… the lame white college boy into Reggae for the first time…

Sorry, you had to read the unedited version of our feelings on your current “look” right now, Rob, but it needed to be said. When I wrote the original deal breakers post last year, you stuck to your side of the bargain and didn’t throw on some jorts, or show up at the shore with some gold jewelry. But we didn’t think you’d go rogue and make up this lumberjack-college-dude-vacationing-in-the-islands look. I get that you’re on vacation but at least have some shred of dignity and use soap when someone hoses you down.

This really leaves us no other choice then to revisit our dealbreakers and come up with some new ones since you seem to need boundaries…

  • Oakley sunglasses worn backwards on the neck

The back of TomStu's mini truck (click to enlarge)

  • Driving a mini trucks with stickers of Calvin peeing on stuff (ie the rival team, Ford/Chevy)
  • Anything from the Dennis Franz collection of dingy short sleeved dress shirts
  • Nasty dreads, namely where three of them have somehow fused in the back to form one long nasty one that reaches your butt. And inevitably smells. OF COURSE.
  • Tattoos involving the Looney Toons (Taz playing basketball)

Rob's version of a frat shirt

  • Wearing a Frat TShirt long after you’re left college
  • Dirty hippie wanna be guys who “perform” Capoeira or has devoted a good amount of time to mastering “the art” of devil sticks (pretty much the guy in this video is a deal breaker) in his basement to perform at the drum circle on Venice Beach.

You know last time we gave you a free pass and said we’d pretty much still bone you even if you did some of the dealbreakers, but I gotta say it man, you’re toeing the line awfully close PLEASE don’t make us break up with you. PLEASE. Just shave, throw on something semi clean and “get caught” taking Clair out for brunch and we’ll forgive you.

But seriously, knock it off.

PS It’s alright, feel free to listen to Ras Trent like 2309402894357 times cause it’s that awesome

So what are your deal breakers? Any news ones that have popped up since Rob started down the dirty trail?

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170 Commented

Have you seen this man?

made by the brillant vickyb!

made by the brillant vickyb! (click to enlarge!)

Dear Police Dept. South Barnes, London,

Have you seen this man? Tallish, brownish hair recently cut short, killer laugh, probably wearing the same clothes as this picture. Perhaps wondering the streets of London calling my name, lost.  He goes by the name of Robert Pattinson. I suppose he’s what you’d call a movie star and some of us are quite worried about him.

You see kind sirs, he hasn’t been seen since December 22nd when he flew to your fair country and has been rumored to be anywhere from Australia to right back here in the USA. However, none of us (and there are quite a lot of us) have seen him anywhere.

I’m not sure about protocol for these sorts of situations but we beg of you to begin a search, a nation-wide manhunt if you will, to find him. Being the concerned citizens we are we’ve gone ahead and partnered with Milk producers everywhere to create these new cartons, we’ve posted missing signs, deployed our Rob-militia to various spots around the world to hunt him down and of course we’ve left the window open for him in case he happens to find his way home. But whatever you can do to help us is much appreciated.

Themoonisdown and Unintendedchoice
concerned citizens everywhere!

PS until this day arrives we’ve created a counter so that we may remain vigilant and NEVER FORGET!

janky counter

janky counter

(as you can tell the clock is currently not moving because for some reason I can’t get it to embed correctly in wordpress. LAME. if you are a smarty/wordpress whizz and can help us, please email! we will all be forever indebted to you and your kind services)

92 Commented

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