What Dealbreakers do we have with Rob Pattinson

Received this letter from MarbleNutSlut a few days ago

Dear Rob,

Let me give you a peek into my fevered brain: it’s 9am on a Tuesday. I’ve got to take my 6 year old to the dentist, which I am quite pleased with myself that I have remembered to do all on my own. I am doing the dishes, in a nice, matronly way, when I decide to
entertain my brain by deciding:

What is the dealbreaker scenario wherein I would *not* sleep with Robert Pattinson?

For instance:
 An affinity for Adult Baby Diapers? errr…every time, or special occasion? because I can try to make it work. I am open minded! Srsly you are so. pretty. Robert  Pattinson. so. pretty.

Does Robert Pattinson like to dress as Little Bo Peep? (I want this to be the Google Search that finally unites us, please oh please) Again, is this an every day thing? I mean…can I close my eyes at least some of the time? Is it a *nice* Little Bo Peep dress?

I think I’ve come up with a few scenarios, though. Take a mind-walk with me:

1. Us, at a bar, laughing, having a wonderful time.
Him: “So, I am totally DTF, but just so you know, I can’t get an erection without kiddie porn playing in the room. So, give me an hour and I will meet you in my mother’s bed. Here’s your harness.”

2. Us, at a bar, laughing, having a wonderful time.
Him: “Anyhoo, I was so relieved when the guys at the Scientology meeting told me the Holocaust never happened. Also I hate blacks and gays.”

I consulted with NatteringYeahRobber, and she added to the list:

  • Too much stench. Like the 3-days of no showering + the alcohol-sweats.
  • Anything involving me pretending to be his potty or him pretending to be my potty. I don’t do potty stuff, that’s just off limits for me. Diapering him….maybe, as long as diaper is clean and dry. I will NOT be changing dirty adult diapers. I’ve changed enough dirty diapers in my lifetime, never again.

Play the game with me,

I agree- your deal-breakers are DEFINITELY ones for me, but what about the ones we visited in the past (August of 2009, to be exact!) Let’s Check in. How do we feel about:

Hairy, fat chests & gold chains:

Still a deal-breaker!

If Rob was into Nascar

Stillll a deal breaker!

What if Rob was in a Frat?

Dealbreaker for me!

Back in 2009, Pinkfluffgirl said “his ass could be in jorts, wearing crocs, with guido rings, a short sleeved white dress shirt and I’d STILL do him”

Ummm, sorry, Pinkfluffgirl, I’m gonna have to call THIS a dealbreaker (haha looking at these photoshops Moon did 2 years ago! amazing!)

Here are a few new deal-breakers I’ve thought of:

  • If Rob grew a mustache. I’m not saying I hate that hipster look. I kinda love it on the right guy. I’d just HATE it on Rob!
  • No Rob No

    If Rob was really into cats: I love cats. I love when men love cats. Just not when they have photoshoots with their cats. And look like this dude.

  • Rob in Jorts, with a mullet, mustache, big goofy smile, overweight, hairy chest, big gold chain, former frat-boy, Nascar-loving cat dude.

Do I really have to spell it out?!!!
What are your deal-breakers with Rob!?


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49 Commented

Rob tests our Deal Breaker limits, again!

Rasta bro

Dear Rob,

Please witness the following email conversation between me and UC after I sent her this picture (to your left) of you out in London…

From Moon:
Subject: So… Rob’s in London now

the beard is bigger, the hat is still on and he’s wearing a BOB MARLEY shirt. is rob now THAT GUY??

we like him???????? 😉

From: UC
i’m QUESTIONING how I ever did.. I need that beard gone & that bob marley shirt off STAT

i think it’s time for a round two of deal breakers. B/c covering “no woman no cry” is DEF a new one of mine!

From: Moon
YES, starting with this picture. GOOD LORD.

we all love a good reggae song but it’s usually when we’re at least 6 pina coladas deep at the Sandals resort and the cover band starts to strangely look like the guys from Oceans 11. But in real life? And on Rob? No.

It’s like at any moment you could become “Ras Trent” from Saturday Night Live… the lame white college boy into Reggae for the first time…

Sorry, you had to read the unedited version of our feelings on your current “look” right now, Rob, but it needed to be said. When I wrote the original deal breakers post last year, you stuck to your side of the bargain and didn’t throw on some jorts, or show up at the shore with some gold jewelry. But we didn’t think you’d go rogue and make up this lumberjack-college-dude-vacationing-in-the-islands look. I get that you’re on vacation but at least have some shred of dignity and use soap when someone hoses you down.

This really leaves us no other choice then to revisit our dealbreakers and come up with some new ones since you seem to need boundaries…

  • Oakley sunglasses worn backwards on the neck

The back of TomStu's mini truck (click to enlarge)

  • Driving a mini trucks with stickers of Calvin peeing on stuff (ie the rival team, Ford/Chevy)
  • Anything from the Dennis Franz collection of dingy short sleeved dress shirts
  • Nasty dreads, namely where three of them have somehow fused in the back to form one long nasty one that reaches your butt. And inevitably smells. OF COURSE.
  • Tattoos involving the Looney Toons (Taz playing basketball)

Rob's version of a frat shirt

  • Wearing a Frat TShirt long after you’re left college
  • Dirty hippie wanna be guys who “perform” Capoeira or has devoted a good amount of time to mastering “the art” of devil sticks (pretty much the guy in this video is a deal breaker) in his basement to perform at the drum circle on Venice Beach.

You know last time we gave you a free pass and said we’d pretty much still bone you even if you did some of the dealbreakers, but I gotta say it man, you’re toeing the line awfully close PLEASE don’t make us break up with you. PLEASE. Just shave, throw on something semi clean and “get caught” taking Clair out for brunch and we’ll forgive you.

But seriously, knock it off.

PS It’s alright, feel free to listen to Ras Trent like 2309402894357 times cause it’s that awesome

So what are your deal breakers? Any news ones that have popped up since Rob started down the dirty trail?

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170 Commented

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