Rob’s bodyguard, Dean, is cheating on him

Dear Dean the bodyguard,

We received a frantic* e-mail from Bea this morning that said:

Not only do I think of Twilight every time I pass an Olive Garden, but I go to look at pictures of Jennifer Aniston violating the Vatican dress code and recognize the bodyguard. “Hey, Dean’s in Rome!” And, sadly, that’s more interesting to me than Jen’s knees.

 And as interesting as it is that the Vatican let Jennifer get away with knees showing & nipples pointing, (check out these pics) it was interesting to me to learn that you are also guarding Jennifer Aniston. I mean…. aren’t there any other big dudes in LA that Jen can use? Is this a new thing? Did Rob steal YOU from Jennifer? Did you have to arm wrestle her boyfriend at a job interview?

And how in the world does someone have time to be a bodyguard to both Rob AND J Aniston? Does this mean Rob is on a long vacation in a truly private vacation spot, and you were relieved for a few weeks? Did he hitch a ride up to the space station when Dragon went to deliver supplies to the space station recently? (<– Look at me. Hip on current news)

How does Jen compare to Rob? I bet the snacks are healthier. Does she really drink Smart Water that often? Are the fans crazier? Ever encounter a crazy fan trying to hit her with a fake Angelina leg? Does she even let you drink beer or eat anything over 425 calories?

Does Rob ask details after you’re back serving him? Do you call it “serving?” Do you feel comradery with Carson the Butler on Downton Abbey? Do you ever accidentally refer to it as “servicing him” when talking to Kristen & she shoots you a dirty look while you & Rob crack up? Was Rob happy with the ending on Friends? Was he rooting for Ross & Rachel all along? How pissed was he when they named their TV daughter Emma, taking a gorgeous old-fashioned name & guaranteeing that everyone born after 1998 will have at least 57 Emma’s in their graduating class?

These are important questions, Dean.




*Bea wasn’t frantic at all. But clearly I am. Or I had too much coffee. Or I just really miss Friends. That’s it. I’m starting at Season 1 tonight & will watch all 10 years all over. I’ll let you know how it goes. SEVEN

19 Commented

Rob and the Mystery of the Three Suitcases!

(Remember when I wrote a post using the sad trombone button and every time I told you to HIT IT you were supposed to hit the button? Well same thing here today. Open the HIT IT link in a new window and read away!)

Dear Rob,

Monday you returned HOME to LA (welcome back) and was seen leaving LAX with… three suitcases! HIT IT! Crazy, I know! So clearly since you own like 2 shirts and were wearing your only pair of pants these suitcases couldn’t be for you. The fans (ahem Robsten fans) KNEW it had to be something else. Like something for Kristen Stewart! HIT IT! But she pretty much owns 2 pairs of pants and a shirt so it couldn’t be her clothes, OBVIOUSLY. And as much as we both want to believe Kristen was actually IN one of those suitcases HIT IT unless the other suitcase had some sort of oxygen tank, it’s probably not her. So I’m here to figure out what all those suitcases could be… in (say it in a loud and booming theatrical trailer style voice) Rob and the Mystery of the Three Suitcases! HIT IT!

What could the three suitcases be full of?

1. A years supply of Hobknobs and Marks & Spence Underwears HIT IT!
2. Fish and Chips because Harry Clearwater’s fish fry actually isn’t the best in the world. SHHHHH! HIT IT!
3. The ashes of Patty. He wants to spread them over the Pacific Ocean and the In N Out Drive Thru HIT IT!
4. Being a girl who might actually have and take 3 suitcases worth of clothes to Europe, Ashley Greene blackmailed Rob into taking home hers so she could go on a shopping spree and fill up 3 more suitcases. HIT IT!
5. All of the clothes Claire sat our for charity donation. It’s almost winter here in LA! HIT IT!
6. A little hit of London’s rain and fog (he misses it) HIT IT!
7. His beard trimming system. Gotta keep the facial hair in tip top shape whether it’s heard, goatees, mustaches or chin patches HIT IT!
8. Letters from Dick. Dick decided it was more genteel to send letters the old fashioned way. Then he realized he didn’t have any stamps. HIT IT!
9. Dean bought a lot of Man Jewelry in Europe and couldn’t fit it all in his luggage so Rob offered to use his extra luggage allowance HIT IT!
10. This is part of his book library. He’s decorating his new home and wanted to fill it with his favorite books. HIT IT!
11. Swedish Fish. HIT IT! He got hooked on them while promoting the film in Sweden. Little does he know we totally have those here.
12. Macaroons from La Duree HIT IT! He knows how much I love them and bought back 3 suitcases full. What a good guy!

Since it simply cannot be normal stuff like clothes, personal belongings or stuff from her place here in LA, you know like normal people put in suitcases. The fandom just WON’T allow it, we’re left with guessing and these are the best options. I’ll report back later on what’s actually in there when I go to “visit” later. If he’s anything like me he’ll still have those suitcases in various states of unpacked for months to come.

No baggage here!

PS Is it weird I kinda miss the lopsided toupee heairdo?? Cause I do. HIT IT!

Also, Water for Elephants is out on DVD! Go and getcha some!

So do we think it’s some master conspiracy or is he just bringing back some of his stuff? Why must everything be a mystery?

Thanks Drama Button!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

20 Commented

News in Rob’s world

*update: this post seems frivolous in light of recent events. Thanks to our military and allies for working hard to help keep us ALL safer. Score one for the world!*

Dear LTR-ers,

Because Rob’s out and about whoring for Water for Elephants all over the world there’s lots to see from his red carpets to photo calls to interviews. Soooooo I’m going to sum up the interesting stuff here for us all so we don’t have to shift through page after page of video and 9238490234 photos of the same suit from press calls. You’re welcome!

Even if you don’t speak German the eyes and faces Rob makes while some man interprets IN GERMAN are worth this…
Most important thing I learned from this video:
Rob probably got up early and watched the Royal Wedding like the rest of us fools. Or maybe he’s just very romantical at heart.


Rob hasn’t met a wildly colorful suit or a weird eye brow raise he didn’t like

Mark Zuckerberg has officially changed the “LIKE” gif on Facebook from a blue thumbs up to this picture. We approve… or should I say we LIKE!!!! (rim shot!)

Robert Pattinson was chosen as the new spokesboy for Bump-Its! He’s super thrilled as you can see.

This lighting guy is totally pissed he missed the NFL draft because he had to make sure Bella and Edwards ocean make out was properly lit. Mother effer.
When Rob needs new clothes he goes online and google searches “cheap, ugly, inappropriate sweatshirts.” That’s how he got this, the “Get off my dick” shirt and pretty much everything else he owns. Dean also got this chicks number.

Hot DAAAYYUUUMM this boy can make a suit look goood.

Am I right? Am I right?! Who I am kidding we’ve known that since day one! Well… that’s pretty much all that matters from his time in Europe… did any of you happen to go out and see Rob at the premieres? If so why haven’t you written us?! RUDE 🙂

Happy Monday (ugh),

So seriously, did anyone make it out to a premiere? Was Rob as beautiful as an Arabian desert in that beige/brown suit? Did he profess his love to you in Barcelona/Berlin/Paris/etc etc??

Thanks Robsessed, RP Life and your emails!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTTThe ForumTwitterThe Store

125 Commented

I write Rob about Kellan

Dear Rob,

I was all ready to write something about you being in Brazil on speed boats with your Edward hair, standing on balconies, looking through windows and walking through airports but then I saw a news piece where Kellan Lutz called you “mind blowing” and I clicked over to read hoping I could make fun of you both or call you le ghey in a future post  until I saw this picture

and I changed my mind about everything and this entire post. So here’s what I really want to say…

Dear Rob,

Why can’t you be more like Kellan?

Ok… so I know you’re confused and wondering why I’m not ribbing you or fawning over a photo of you in Brasil. I just can’t right now. It’s that picture up there. It’s not Kellan man chesticles or his weird leather tie or his ‘is that thinning’ hair?, that made me stop, it’s his necklace. The whistle necklace, because when I saw him wearing it, I knew HE KNEW. He was wearing a Falling Whistles necklace. What’s a Falling Whistles necklace you ask? Welll….

Falling Whistles gives a small window into our world’s largest war. Originally just a journal written about boys sent to the frontlines of war armed with only a whistle, readers forwarded it with the same kind of urgency in which it was written and demanded to know –

what can we do?

The Falling Whistles campaign launched with a simple response – make their weapon your voice and be a whistleblower for peace in Congo. Read the story and buy the whistle. Proceeds go to rehabilitate and advocate for war-affected children. Share their story and speak up for them.

Needless to say it’s an amazing, amazing cause AND an awesomely fashionably accessory with a deeper meaning. And it just makes me love Kellan even more that he knows about Falling Whistles. I also love how Kellan uses his Twitter and celebrity to help raise awareness for many great causes. AND it makes me think of you, Rob. You helped out with the Haiti telethon and I heard you may have become involved with the World Wildlife Foundation after shooting Water for Elephants but I think there’s something to be said for being more vocal and active with causes that need to have some light shed on them and maybe that’s why I’m writing you and asking you to be more like Kellan. Well, minus the  because imagine if you were hot and played Edward AND loved good causes??? You’d be even more unstoppable, like I would just give up cause that’d toooo much goodness.

So could you think about being like Kellan?


PS Thanks for showing up in Brasil and I swear we’ll start talking about it but for now you understand

Ok, so I wouldn’t normally commandeer LTR for philanthropic reasons but I just couldn’t get over it and wanted to share the great story of Falling Whistles with you all cause I know you all have big hearts and would love it. Go visit their site, watch the video and read their story, it’s truly amazing. Trust. Oh and there’s a TON of Rob stuff from Brasil I’m weeding through. UC and I will hit that next time.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

159 Commented

Breaking Down Rob lately… Vanity Fairy Style…

Dear Rob,
We’ve missed breaking you down. We haven’t discussed the Water for Elephants pics as much as we should have and that’s a tragedy. So guess what we’re doing today? Yep- you got it. Breaking Down some recent pictures of you, Dean & Reese Witherspoon, Vanity Fair Style!

Dean is Back

UC: You know the first thing I’m thinking. Cause I know you’re thinking it too.
Dean is back. Where WAS he? and does he have a tan? It looks like a new buzz cut? It’s nice and short? did he…. MEET A GIRL?
Moon: Dean’s been sitting out at all the football practices Rob has been attending. He finally earned his letterman jacket this season
UC: Dean takes pictures and will make a scrapbook OR a powerpoint slide show for the end of the season banquet at Hoss’ Steakhouse
Moon: And whenever Rob goes for a tackle, Dean steps in. Dean can take down anyone. Twihards OR high school linemen
UC: I mean.. he looks thinner…. The football has been good to him
Moon: Rob might actually be scouting for college ball. SHHH dont tell


UC: Our secret. LONG BEACH STATE makes a lot of sense now- he’s playing ball for them. He’s over this acting thing & really fell in love with the LA area
Moon: who needs acting when you can smash some heads for a couple seasons?
UC: He wants to settle down.. raise a few “juniors” of his own… coach the pee wee football league.
Moon: Dean’s liking the change of pace too. He has all the under-armor shirts. All he needs is the coach shorts

UC: You know what the second thing I’m thinking though is, right? What is this A sign language instruction site? A place where Rob goes freely to sign autographs- he begs people to let him sign things? He makes videos saying “Please let me sign your breasts and your T-shirt with my face on it”
Moon: That’s the obvious second thing to think about this picture

UC: Sigh… I’m not sure I’m into “I’m working on the railroad” Jacob Jankowski, but dayummmm I’m into “Eff me while I’m in my suit” Jacob..
Moon: Seriously. He’s pulling out all the stops here
UC: If he tap dances I might lose my shit, and I wasn’t aware I was into tap dancers
Moon: he may serve the drinks to Reese Witherspoon’s character but he’s still hot
UC: You need to read the book! Cause i don’t think that’s what happens. In fact, i have no idea why this scene happens.. i don’t’ remember it at all
UC: What!? You don’t want to know that after working a hard day on the railroad Jacob Janko relaxes by going downtown to perform onstage with a tap dancing troupe!?

Lick, lick

UC: It’s his guardian angel… I think when Dean disappeared he hired this guy
Moon: His shadow!! That’s cracking me up! Never walk faster than your guardian shadow can follow
UC: I have a feeling… Rob was running from it- like.. he didn’t know..I can see him being like “Dean!?” is that you!? then starting to run…. while the shadow follows him. I’m gonna cut out the shadow. And do something awesome with it. Hump it maybe
Moon: Do it quick. Someone’s gonna sell that shadow on Etsy.
UC: Yep. On a popsicle stick.

Much, much more, after the jump! Continue…

91 Commented

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