Confession: I haven’t seen Cosmopolis

Dear Rob,

Confession: This is as far as I’ve gotten in my quest to see Cosmopolis:

Talking to @Brookelockart at brunch this weekend:

Me: Are we going to see Cosmopolis?
Brookelockart: Is it out?
Me: Yes
Brookelockart: I dunno
Me: k

And I know! I am a ROB fan. I am currently writing on a ROB blog. What is wrong with me? I can think of 8 other things I’d rather do than go see Cosmopolis:

  1. Watch that DVD of “How to Be” I never started (nope. oops)
  2. Go see The Dark KnightRises (I’m behind on movies, k?)
  3. Eat a vegetarian hot pocket (do they make those?)
  4. Go camping (I hate camping)
  5. Go through my archives of Rob Pattinson magazines (I did some cleaning and found them the other day)
  6. Daydream about Jim Harper (SO SAD The Newsroom is over!)
  7. Husk Corn (It’s corn on the cob season!)
  8. Browse Robsten Tumblrs (one of my favorite activities)

I’m sorry. I know you’re hot in it. I know you have a lot of the sex with Debra from Everybody loves Raymond, but I just have no desire to see this movie. I didn’t read the book. The trailers didn’t sell it to me. As much as I love looking at you, I am just not in the mood.

I love my husband but that doesn’t mean everything he says and does is perfect. You’re like that for me.

Don’t tell my husband I just compared you two. 

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Call me a bad Rob fan! Yell at me at tell me I don’t deserve to look at the pretty! And after you’re done, the rest of you jump in & confess why you haven’t seen Cosmopolis either. And after the jump, hear from a gal who WILL watch the movie Continue…

48 Commented


Rob Pattinson on the Daily Show: Political jokes and… um awkward

Dear Rob,

2 of our favorite things happened last night: You + Jon Stewart. Oh and male spanx jokes, so make that 3 things. And Brookelockart & I decided to live break-it-down:

UC: do you think Rob is going to comment on Paul Ryan’s appointment to VP running mate. or perhaps once & for all tell us where he stands on Obamacare? I know we’ve been DYING to know
Brookelockart: I have a feeling that most of this chat will be me gushing over the genius that is Jon Stewart. I’d totally date a jew*, if they were as awesome as Jon Stewart. YAY! it’s on, Go Smart Funny Jew!! aaaaand good looking (said like a jewish mother)
UC: they’ll talk about the London Olympics for sure. Maybe discuss One Direction’s performance last night
Brookelockart: Haha– the Message to Twilight fans– Jon knows his audience tonight
UC: LOVE YOU JON
Brookelockart: hahahhah, he has to explain the Daily show to the new audience.
UC: I feel so welcome. Even though I’m a normal watcher
Brookelockart: me too. Like he rolled out a special welcome mat for us.

This sexy Jewish guy has a message for Twilight fans (click to read)

Brookelockart:Do you think Robstens lean right or left?
UC: I don’t know….. they could go either way
Brookelockart: nice PC answer UC. you could run for government
UC: I could. but if you make me answer…. Well- some want EVERYONE to leave ROBSTEN alone, which I assume includes the government– so therefore they lean right…Some ROBSTENers though feel entitled to ROBSTENs relationship– and they probably love social security & medicaid too, so they lean left. I so smart.

Brookelockart: dammmmm..Paul Ryan is trying to glamour us
UC: haha dreamboat
Brookelockart: it’s like all the Paul Ryan Gosling memes say
UC: wait.. those EXIST?
Brookelockart: ZOMG YES. there’s even a twitter
UC: i just found a tumblr
Brookelockart: “@PaulRyanGosling: Hey girl, I just ate a corn dog. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.” all the giggles!
UC: “@PaulRyanGosling: Hey girl, Mitt and I partied way too hard last night. Motherf*cker had FIVE Diet Sprites. The dude is insane.”

Brookelockart: So back to Rob on this show… do you think Jon showed him the questions before hand? because after his last appearance, I have to imagine Jon pitied Rob. That interview was so awkward that I had to keep looking away and changing the channel.
UC: oh yeah… i actually completely forgot about that interview…. i mean.. it … seems so long ago!
Brookelockart: It quite possibly was the most awkward interview that I’ve ever seen. Even worse than him being called a palsey chicken at comic con.
UC: well yes.. they have to had had some discussion.. b/c of the big elephant in the room (obvs talking about his unibrow)

Brookelockart: OOOOOH. it’s time.
UC: ugh… unf
Brookelockart: He’s in the SUIT. Good GOD
UC: do we know that person who screamed in the audience. I bet we do. Or was that me? ICE CREAM… good call Jon– nice touch. Also WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT so I can go buy every one at my local Wawa.

Brookelockart: OH ROB..SEE. HE CANNOT PLAY. AWKWARD. TONGUE IN THE ICE CREAM. TONGUE IN THE ICE CREAM
UC: NAH– rob is lactose.. he won’t eat it
Brookelockart: BUT THERE WAS TONGUE
UC: SOMEONE SCREEN CAP THAT
Brookelockart: Wait. do YOU KNOW THAT? About him being Lactose?
UC: BROOKE– of course i don’t know that. i’m NORMAL remember?

You can Double Spank me

UC: i’m cringing
Brookelockart: hahahahahhahah. AWKWARD. SOOOOO AWKWARD
Brookelockart: Has rob completed a sentence yet?
UC: no
Brookelockart: aww, Jon’s a nice big brother friend..even though after he probably walks back to the staff and says, effing idiot.
UC: yeah….. this is first right? cuz this is the BEST first interview possible. And can we agree that he really DOES need a publicist?
Brookelockart: his hair is looking pretty fantastic. SIDE NOTE
UC: um don’t pick your nose rob. but YES.. the hair… and the blue suit.. ugh.. hot..
Brookelockart: NOT YOUR NOSE– YOU ARE ON CAMERA. he really does need training
UC: and OMG he looks like my crush from 3rd- 8th grade. even more than EVER. i wish I could make him (my crush) model for the LTR world
Brookelockart: it all comes full circle– what is his life that he just talked about his break up to Jon stewart (and by talk, I mean he threw out some phrases and words that sorta made sense but were really not a coherent thought…)

Oh Rob… this is your life??!!!!

PS you looked amaaazing

Love,

UC & Brookelockart

*note: Brookelockart is Jewish and has never dated a Jew. Unless you count that one guy in 7th grade. Which I do and she doesn’t. So what does a friend like me do? Send her pictures of available Jewish guys all the time. Hot, not, small, fat, old, young. You’re welcome Brooke.

Ps: You can pick you friends and you can pick your nose, but you can never pick Rob Pattinson’s nose.

36 Commented


Breaking it down: Cosmopolis – Wait, what did we just watch?

NEON LIGHTS!

Dear Rob,

UC and I waited ALL day to watch the Cosmopolis trailer/teaser together and well 34 seconds later here’s what happened…
.
.
The one where we’re super confused
Moon: wait its only 34 seconds???
UC:  First I have to be honest, I know VERy little about this film except that Paul Giamatti is in it and it takes place in a limo which means I expect Hot Church Bass-like limo sex and he’s in the limo because
done
UC: is this modern day? I’m so confused already
UC: BOOBS
NEON
i haven’t understood a single mumble
WHAT
EW
Moon: um im pretty sure i just saw that womans nipple!!!

UC: WTF
I DID
Moon: wait
UC: dinosaurs?!
WHAT?
haha
OMG
Moon: did he just shoot his hand

wtf is going on?!
UC: YES
Moon: is that a knife in the eye?!

UC: I thought this was a movie about the stock market crash during a limo ride? where he gets syphllis
Moon: dude i liked this movie when it was called DRIVE with Ryan Gosling
UC: HAHAHAH
omg SAME feel
same bumpin music
Moon: wow… im watching that again
UC: who is the girl he effs? Rosario?
Moon: im so confused
UC: me too
fire?
what fire?
HUGE nipples
Moon: DUDE that womans vajay is in a shadow just barely

UC: dude
sex noises
like NOT edward sex noises
there’s like vajay
so he has a lot of sex “so me something i don’t know”
Moon: why is paul giamatti watching him blow his hand off?! with a towel on

UC: THAT is paul?
hahah
Moon: yes…i have the best screenshot ever
.
The one with the most amazing screenshot ever
UC: so he’s a rich kid Chuck Bass-like… who wants to FEEL so he shoots himself in the hand. and asks Paul G. to take off his towel that’s basically what i got
Moon: OMG just just pause and play and you get amazing shots of weird shit.
UC: hahahahahha
Moon: i got one of him peeing IN the limo

UC: WHAT? that’s amazing
Moon: YES. so at the end is the limo declared a hazmat situation?
UC: semen
blood
pee
yes
I think so
Moon: pee and sex fluids and sweat and who knows
UC: sypyllis
UC: looks like the mom from everybody loves raymond is the 2nd girl he effs
UC: from his old pal from France
Moon: wait there are rat men?>??!

do we find out at the end of the movie he’s really just been on an acid trip??
UC: i thought they were dinosaurs at first…
and yes… I’m guessing
or it was all a dream
i mean.. maybe he’s ALSO on an acid trip in the limo. PEEING.
.
The one where we still can’t figure it out
Moon: dude. what is going on???
UC: now he’s doggy styling raymond’s wife

is HE cutting out the eye?
Moon: DUDE he’s doing DEBRA?!
Debra Barone
UC: HAHHAA
YES i mean… it sure looks like her in this teaser. I assume that buttoned up blonde woman is the one who is gonna “show him something he doesn’t know” which is… a woman who wears underwear in the daytime a woman without an STD? a woman with normal sized nipples?
Moon: and wasnt married to raymond

UC: wasnt on one of the most popular shows of the late 90s? haha. she’s gonna shows him how to study hard at law school?
Moon: shes gonna nag him about putting up his dirty socks and doris roberts is gonna walk in with the old grandpa and complains about Debra’s cooking.
.
The one where… WHAT IS THIS?!
Moon: dude what did we just watch??
UC:  I dunno but… I mean its different and like… a totally different audience… i mean… this might work? could this WORK for him?
Moon:i sure hope so i mean based on what i heard from my NON twilight friends im crossing my fingers for him but like really he shot himself in the hand
UC: right  that’s gross and that eye
me: so DRIVE. it looks like drive meets social network meets everybody loves raymond.
UC: i mean.. this is TOTALLY not the kind of movie I’d like to see. ALSO i never saw Drive so stop that
Moon:drive is the best
ever

Ok, so this is obviously a post with some of the craziest images/screencaps we’ve ever had and that’s saying something. I’m really interested to see this because of how crazy  it looks.

A rat/A dinosaur/A nipple/A limo?
Moon and UC

What did you think of this? Does this make any kinds of sense to any one or are you just in it for him doing Everybody Loves Raymond’s wife?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTTThe ForumTwitterThe Store

33 Commented


Storytime with LTR: Rob in Berlin

LTR friend JellyBeanRainbow went to Berlin this weekend & saw Bel Ami AND Rob. Here is her story:

Dear Letters To Rob headquarters,

soooooo, I went to Berlin. To see Bel Ami, to see Rob.

Berlinale palace grand entrance

I kept convincing myself it was fate, but it wasn’t really. I was off that weekend (I wasn’t really, but I’m friends with the girl who does our general schedule and she changed some dates). I was on Twitter when tickets for the movie went on sale  and, what a coincidence, I got one (no, I knew beforehand what time the tickets will be on sale and I prepared myself, set up the alarm clock at 10 am,  credit card  nearby and everything). The 5 star hotel nearby was incredibly cheap and I got a room with a view of the red carpet (true about the price, but I asked the lady at the reception desk for the view).

I was excited to go, but kept asking myself what the hale I was doing and why. I travelled to Berlin and spent hundreds of euros to see a movie. Really?

I stayed at Hyatt hotel where the press conference was scheduled, but I realized that after I booked it. I imagined myself sitting at the hotel lobby bar  with a cool diet Coke in hand , cool as fu*k ( the phrase some brit rock stars use) while Rob would arrive and mayhem and madness would start. I imagined myself being able to take a quick look at the press conference hall, a wandering hotel guest, being lost and being allowed to do so, just for a minute. Nothing of this happened as my flight was delayed for more than 5 hours due to snow at the airport I had to travel via on my way to Berlin. I arrived well after the press event was over and Rob was gone.

It was 4 pm by the time I changed and left the room. Red carpet was ready and there were some people, but there was still enough place in the first row on the side. I decided to take place across the red carpet, near the press area. First row, great view, I wouldn’t be able to get a photo or an autograph, but I’d see everything.

My original spot

It was 4:30 and although it wasn’t that cold, around freezing temperature ( it was waaaay below friezing the days before), there was terrible wind and icy rain was starting to fall down. Half an hour of waiting and I was so cold my neck and back started to hurt. I was dressed nicely, as you’re supposed to be for that kind of event, nice coat, a scarf, cute boots… No fleece, no ugly hat, no  Edward blanket, like some of the people waiting. Of course I was cold, but I looked good.  Later I found out there were people with a banner that said: Freezing for Rob for 30 hours.

Well, I’m not that fan and I had a pneumonia and 3 bad colds this winter so far, so I did the unimaginable: I left the red carpet, I left my good spot, I left the first row and went to the Starbucks to warm myself with a hot cocoa and to check via free wi-fi what was going on.

When I came back there were many more people there, but not only fans of the female kind, also families, older people who would have gone no matter who was the star of the evening. The first row was packed, but there were some empty spaces at the side. I was stupid and didn’t go there, because it looked too far away. What a mistake, Rob went there first to start signing when he finally arrived. I choose to stand on a small pedestal (one of many) at the top of the viewing area. There were no bracelets, no numbered spots, just a few security people. A half an hour before stars were supposed to arrive, anyone could still enter the red carpet fan area.
The view was great and behind me the limousines we’re waiting in line to drive to the red carpet.

I was looking at them and trying I recognize someone inside, I saw Dean, but thought no, it’s too early. Mistake, again, it was Dean and Rob was one of he first to arrive. Everything was calm, if I haven’t seen Rob, I couldn’t tell he was there. No screaming, no mayhem,nothing, just a slight excitement in the air, it could have been anyone famous.

Suddenly I felt I was too far away and wouldnt get any good photos, so I had to go closer to the red carpet. It was easy, people just stayed on their spots and in seconds I was very close to Rob. I took several blurry photos, felt my knees go weak, again starting to ask myself WTF I was doing there, stared at him, forgot to take more photos… and then he went away, walking along first row to the right side. My pedestal wasn’t available anymore so I went to the other side- the second row was still available. Rob stopped signing at the middle of the area and went to the right side and suddenly he was standing almost in front of me, again. Still no screaming among the fans, but a lot of pushing, for a moment I thought we all will fall down. I was so surprised he came to the right side so fast I forgot to put my Bel Ami book out of my bag, but it was too late, couldn’t do it anymore, in a second there was a lot of people behind and around me and I couldn’t move. Took some more photos and he was out of my sight soon.

I couldn’t believe my luck, I placed myself to the right spot twice so far. Well, almost. I felt so great, like an experienced fan, being so good at choosing the place to be, but soon the WTF am I doing moment kicked in. I was so excited, but I was alone. No friend to be excited with next to me. No one to talk about when the limousine stopped right in front of us and the Pattinson family exited. Not in the middle of the red carpet, but at the side. No one recognized them, they walked unnoticed. I was conflicted: should I say something, like   “Hi Dick&Claire”, or maybe Hello Mr. and Mrs. Pattinson, so I didn’t say anything. But I was freaking inside, proud of myself that I know who they were… And the WTF moment kicked again.

Pattinson family: Can you believe I was so close an I didn't yell at them?

Pattinsons walked for some time unnoticed, until the official photographers saw them and then they started to pose.  I think Victoria was the one with the boyfriend and I remember he looked a little like Stephen from Vampire Diaries, but taller. Some other stars arrived and they posed for cameras forever. At that time there was a lot of people in the fan area some brought the ladders with them and if standing at the back, you couldn’t see anyone on the red carpet anymore. But there were a lot of huge monitors so everyone could see what was happening.

I was taking the photos of monitors from then on. When they finally went inside, Christina, Holliday and Rob signed their huge photos hanging in the lobby and it was over. The majority of people left, but some stayed. I went back into my hotel and looked what’s happening from time to time through my window, but got bored soon. Did the fans really think Rob will exit the place through red carpet and sign some more?

I had ticket  for the Bel Ami screening that was the next day, in another place. I too walked the red carpet, but so did everyone who went by. It was just a movie, no cast, no fuss, no announcement…

After the jump, SPOILER ALERT– it’s JellyBeanRainbow’s review of Bel Ami Continue…

145 Commented


BUTTCRACK ROB

Dear Rob,

There was a rumor floating around on Twitter yesterday that your buttcrack would be starring in Bel Ami, the film (as opposed to Bel Ami, the book, which would be equally as awesome) which prompted cheers of joy heard around the globe, a twitter melt down, your grandmother to go into shock and me throwing my fist in the air, pumping it Jersey-style yelling, “BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB” in my office.

Apparently some lucky fans in Belgium got to see Bel Ami & spilled the details via twitter. My favorite twitter response goes to the entertaining: @Mama_Cougar:

Mama Cougar Tweet Buttcrack Rob

with Moon’s tweet as a close second:

Letters to Twilight Tweet Rob Pattinson's Buttcrack

And the news got me thinking about your buttcrack- what will it look like? How much will we get to see? What will the angle be? Will it be portrayed in way that will make me want to pull a quarter out of my wallet and try to insert it down your backside (Bel Ami is in 3D right?) Will it be attractive? Will it be (yuck) hairy? Did you shave the morning you knew what scene you would be shooting? Did you get little red bumps afterward? Will we see the red bumps on screen? Or Did you get your buttcrack waxed? Who made the appointment? Did you get a waxist recommendation from your mom? What was the reaction of the butt waxer when she saw whose ass she was about to de-hair? Was she shaking? Did she accidentally pull some leghairs off instead because she was so nervous? Did she try to convince you to get lazer hair removal on your ass? Can you even DO lazer on a buttcrack?

After pondering all that for a bit, I did a little “research” into “Rob Pattinsons’ Buttcrack” of days gone by. We have seen it before, you know:

There was Buttcrack Brazil  which was sadly overshadowed by Jumping Rob & all his adventures.

Rob Pattinson's Buttcrack Brazil

We’ve seen the TSA Buttcrack Adventure where even the major news media (aka TMZ) took interest

rob-pattinson-butt-coin-slot

And who could forget the Buttcrack and Black Dots experience when you were filming New Moon in Italy?

We’ve even been lucky enough to get a Buttcrack on the Bearskin in the past

rob-pattinson-buttcrack-bearskin

But as you can see- we’re due for a GOOD LONG LOOK a the real thing. None of this “just the tip [of the buttcrack]” None of this blurry screencap nonsense. Stop teasing us so! I want a big ol’ SHOT of the glorious thing. I want a camera ZOOM and a cinematography SWEEP. I want the composer to write an orchestral masterpiece for the moment when it’s revealed! [Now throw your fist up in the air and pump with me]

BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Are YOU exciting to see Rob’s buttcrack?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

36 Commented


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