Breaking it down: Cosmopolis – Wait, what did we just watch?

NEON LIGHTS!

Dear Rob,

UC and I waited ALL day to watch the Cosmopolis trailer/teaser together and well 34 seconds later here’s what happened…
.
.
The one where we’re super confused
Moon: wait its only 34 seconds???
UC:  First I have to be honest, I know VERy little about this film except that Paul Giamatti is in it and it takes place in a limo which means I expect Hot Church Bass-like limo sex and he’s in the limo because
done
UC: is this modern day? I’m so confused already
UC: BOOBS
NEON
i haven’t understood a single mumble
WHAT
EW
Moon: um im pretty sure i just saw that womans nipple!!!

UC: WTF
I DID
Moon: wait
UC: dinosaurs?!
WHAT?
haha
OMG
Moon: did he just shoot his hand

wtf is going on?!
UC: YES
Moon: is that a knife in the eye?!

UC: I thought this was a movie about the stock market crash during a limo ride? where he gets syphllis
Moon: dude i liked this movie when it was called DRIVE with Ryan Gosling
UC: HAHAHAH
omg SAME feel
same bumpin music
Moon: wow… im watching that again
UC: who is the girl he effs? Rosario?
Moon: im so confused
UC: me too
fire?
what fire?
HUGE nipples
Moon: DUDE that womans vajay is in a shadow just barely

UC: dude
sex noises
like NOT edward sex noises
there’s like vajay
so he has a lot of sex “so me something i don’t know”
Moon: why is paul giamatti watching him blow his hand off?! with a towel on

UC: THAT is paul?
hahah
Moon: yes…i have the best screenshot ever
.
The one with the most amazing screenshot ever
UC: so he’s a rich kid Chuck Bass-like… who wants to FEEL so he shoots himself in the hand. and asks Paul G. to take off his towel that’s basically what i got
Moon: OMG just just pause and play and you get amazing shots of weird shit.
UC: hahahahahha
Moon: i got one of him peeing IN the limo

UC: WHAT? that’s amazing
Moon: YES. so at the end is the limo declared a hazmat situation?
UC: semen
blood
pee
yes
I think so
Moon: pee and sex fluids and sweat and who knows
UC: sypyllis
UC: looks like the mom from everybody loves raymond is the 2nd girl he effs
UC: from his old pal from France
Moon: wait there are rat men?>??!

do we find out at the end of the movie he’s really just been on an acid trip??
UC: i thought they were dinosaurs at first…
and yes… I’m guessing
or it was all a dream
i mean.. maybe he’s ALSO on an acid trip in the limo. PEEING.
.
The one where we still can’t figure it out
Moon: dude. what is going on???
UC: now he’s doggy styling raymond’s wife

is HE cutting out the eye?
Moon: DUDE he’s doing DEBRA?!
Debra Barone
UC: HAHHAA
YES i mean… it sure looks like her in this teaser. I assume that buttoned up blonde woman is the one who is gonna “show him something he doesn’t know” which is… a woman who wears underwear in the daytime a woman without an STD? a woman with normal sized nipples?
Moon: and wasnt married to raymond

UC: wasnt on one of the most popular shows of the late 90s? haha. she’s gonna shows him how to study hard at law school?
Moon: shes gonna nag him about putting up his dirty socks and doris roberts is gonna walk in with the old grandpa and complains about Debra’s cooking.
.
The one where… WHAT IS THIS?!
Moon: dude what did we just watch??
UC:  I dunno but… I mean its different and like… a totally different audience… i mean… this might work? could this WORK for him?
Moon:i sure hope so i mean based on what i heard from my NON twilight friends im crossing my fingers for him but like really he shot himself in the hand
UC: right  that’s gross and that eye
me: so DRIVE. it looks like drive meets social network meets everybody loves raymond.
UC: i mean.. this is TOTALLY not the kind of movie I’d like to see. ALSO i never saw Drive so stop that
Moon:drive is the best
ever

Ok, so this is obviously a post with some of the craziest images/screencaps we’ve ever had and that’s saying something. I’m really interested to see this because of how crazy  it looks.

A rat/A dinosaur/A nipple/A limo?
Moon and UC

What did you think of this? Does this make any kinds of sense to any one or are you just in it for him doing Everybody Loves Raymond’s wife?

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33 Commented

We’re back and we break down the (hairless) elephant in the room

Dear Rob,

We’ve finally come to terms with what you did and we’re ready to deal with it. Of course we’re referring to the fact you adopted a dog instead of a cat…………… Kidding we’re talking about your hair. DUH. I love dogs.

Let’s break it down!

Avert your eyes

The one about HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
Moon: here’s the thing either somehow he got cursed in the last month or some of his dude friends cut it for him when they were drunk cause buzzed hair rob in dec 2009 (sad i know the date) was NOT BAD!! like it was cute! but this… oh this… it just looks WEIRD like how do you make him look bad? by doing THAT
Moon: its like when sam was buzzing it he decided to invent a new hairline too
UC: I have to admit i saw one picture.. Wait back up I heard about it cuz it was revealed where.. Golden Globes? i saw the tweets I heard the screams… etc. etc.
Moon: people’s choice awards
UC: and i was like “What is the big deal.. it’s hair.. i bet it’s fine…”  and so I didn’t look
Moon: i mean some people like it… i also dont think theyre telling the truth but ya know
UC: and then…. I looked AND IT WAS HORRIBLE I mean… HORRIBLE

UC: you’re right. Buzz cut of 2009 (i remember the day I saw that- is that sad? Don’t answer that) was fine. drastic different sure we DID just have the greasy but sometimes delightful sex hair but it was fine THIS however is atrocious I don’t even care what anyone says
Moon: something is just wrong i cant put my finger on it. nor do i want to
UC: Like… it’s a military buzz cut right? one of our hot tub delivery guys just got one. he looks pretty smokin’
UC: Chattum tanning can give ME a military buzz cut he looks so dayum fine… but ROB? ROB looks ….

Why’d I do this to myself!? I don’t know… wanna do it?

The one where I come up with the test
Moon: ok here’s the test
Moon: you’re at a bar. you’ve had ONE drink… ron comes up to chat with you (cause that happens) buys you ONE MORE drink… then wants to knock the boots. REMINDER he has that hair… Would you still DO HIM???
Moon: HONESTLY
UC: wait… it’s ROB?
UC: like ROB pattinson just with horrible hair? or does he just look like Rob (used to look) with bad hair is he wearing a hat? with a beanie? maybe even a dr. suess hat? I might do it if he had a dr. seuss hat
Moon: NO! rob with this hair. its ron night of peaples coice awards hair, same outfit. nothing can change.
UC: ew
UC: omg
UC: ummm
Moon: THIS GUY
Hey you, me… wanna go?
UC: how drunk am I?
Moon: two drinks. only one on ron’s tab
UC that’s not very drunk- i have a high tolerance so far in 2012
Moon: exactly
UC: omg… i mean.. he does not look good but it’s Rob ya know?
Moon: no he doesn’t. but the memories remain???
UC: i think…
UC: like he has elf ears
Moon: his ears make him look like one of those scotch fold cats
UC: I think…. as long as his breath doesn’t smell like stale beer, I’d probably be all in. I mean… he’d STILL have a british accent
Moon: true, he does.

It’s sooo haaard to say goodbyeee to yesterdaaaay

Moon: and he’d still be rob from gq days
UC: and a small 93 beat-up BMW to whisk me away in… right.. i bet under the cover he IS that guy (actually i don’t bet that at all…. i’ve written about it many a time)
Moon: oh THAT TOO! how could i forget
Moon: if you suggested i bet he’s even spring for in n out on the way home
UC: i could make my animal style joke I’ve been saving for him…. (‘can we do it animal style”)
Moon: HA *rim shot*
UC: thank you…. i’ll be here all week
Moon: SEE even looking like that we would still do it. THIS IS WHY HE DOES THIS STUFF!!! he can get away with it he can get it in and look like a vagrant
Moon: so youre down with having sex with a scotch fold earred ron…
. 

See even this isn’t that bad!

The one where we find out how easy I am
UC: what about YOU?
Moon: oh, i was in from drink one
UC: hahhaa
Moon: i mean at this point… come on!
UC: so you’re saying if he showed up to one of your NEW hot events you’re throwing at your NEW hot job….you’d be lik e”he- nice to meet you, here’s my card, lets get it on. just let me say bye to my boss?”
Moon: EXACTLY what id say
Moon: peace out suckers or even hey here’s an empty table we can do it under we dont even need to leave the event KLASSY. hahahahah
UC: employee of the year
Moon: yup
Moon: sparkling water still counts as water right?
UC: haha

Hey guys, anyone have a hot pocket?

Moon: this is what rob looks like now
Moon: the ears
UC: hahahahahahahahhaa
UC: Id DEF do Rob if he looked like that
UC: anddddd i just admitted to wanting to do a cat
UC: great
Moon: HAHAHAAHAH you’re into bestiality.
Moon: and scene

Ok Rob, so that’s how we feel about it… weeks later. But I’m sure you knew what we’d say. Since it has been a few weeks hopefully I’ll casually bump into you in the produce section of Von’s and your hairs will have grown out to a respectable length and we can them thump melons together. In bed. IfyouknowwhatImsayin. You do.

YAY! ROB! We’re back!
Themoonisdown

PS Now I MUST INSIST you make it over to LTT today because you will DIE. Simply die it’s that good.

Yes, the hair. What say you? I mean do you HONESTLY like it??

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44 Commented

Breaking it down text style: The kiss, VJ day, miracles and Water for Elephants

Just priming the lips......

Dear Rob,

Since you decided to up and out yourself yesterday while UC was away from her computer (the blog elves let her out for a weekend!) and away from gchat we were forced to break down this momentous glorious splendiferous news via text. So I present to you in cooperation with AT&T and iPhone the first ever Breaking it down texting style… (cheers from the crowd)…
.

Moon: Well that happened. Let me know when you wanna break it down…

UC: What? What happened? ROBSTEN sex tape ? (Please love that my phone knows to automatically put ROBSTEN in caps)

Moon: I like that your mind goes immediately to a Robsten sex tape and not like we found Osama Bin Laden or maybe I have a boyfriend or something of actual consequence!

UC: So, you’re saying it’s not?

Moon: it’s a kiss picture! A very obvious let’s kiss they’re all looking picture. Prepare yourself for the meltdown

UC: Send me pics!!

UC: Robsten is pr. ROBSTEN is promoting wfe!!!

Moon: Crazy nonstener!!!! Their love is not a product of the man or a movie studio! How dare you!

UC: Has anyone committed suicide yet? Attempts on K’s life?

Moon: Hahahah No, thank god! Theres a lot of “duh, told you so,” “happy for HIM” and general epic love-ness going around.

UC: Has half of robs fan base given up on him?

UC: this news means my life is complete. I believe in love. I want to rush home & make a baby

Robsten makes people do stuff like this

Moon: If anything this whole thing has made me believe in love again too. I’m on my way out to find a man and kiss him in the streets like it’s VJ day. This is our generation’s VJ day!

UC: Do you know any Lionel Richie lyrics by heart?

Moon: My endless looooove!!

UC: Upon viewing… my heart skipped a beat. I mean it’s kissing. No one else does it like that. No one.

Moon: Never in the history of the world have two people pecked in the back of a cab like that.

Moon: I wonder if anyone was spontaneously healed after viewing these pictures.

Moon: Did any wheel chair ridden robsten fans stand up and walk? Did a blind cat see again?

UC: Did a barren woman suddenly become pregnant with twins?

Moon: One named rob the other named Kristen?

Yes, this happened

UC: Did pigs put on little dresses and fly overhead?

UC: Did divorce cease to exist?

UC: Did all women become the perfect size 2?

UC: Did every restaurant taste as good as calypso cafe- where I’m currently sitting in Nashville?

Moon: Did every day become a weekend? Is April 17 now considered a national holiday?

UC: Yes. We need to contact hallmark to get them to make cards

Moon: I can’t believe the post office and banks are still open. This is a BIG deal. Where is Obama!??

Someone cue "Robsten the Beautiful"

UC: He’s preparing a moment of silence for the country. The white house has had a strict no speaking policy all morning

Moon: I bet even Libya is calling a cease fire in honor of this event

UC: World hunger ceased and everyone’s stomachs were filled with food.

Moon: Water turned into (boxed) wine again. And there was much rejoicing

UC: Our country’s anthem has now changed to “God bless ROBSTEN” and “Robsten the beautiful.”

Ladies you can't be mad at this face for long!!

Moon: I wonder if the Vatican called a special session to discuss saint hood for the holy couple and any future offspring?

While sadly none of these things did happen after the kiss heard round the internets we both had a smile on our faces and love in our hearts so that’s what matters. And you know what else REALLY matters? You’re in a movie coming out this Friday called Water for Elephants! Amazing!

Happy VJ Day!
Themoonisdown

Was anyone miraculously healed after this event? Does anyone still care enough to be surprised? Did anyone look at the slow mo gif of the kiss and thing “is that really a kiss??” Maybe.

Salacious photos courtesy of Popsugar

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160 Commented

Breaking It Down: we’ve been Incepted, Steve Irwin and tucked in shirts

Dear Rob,

Last night I got a few anxious texts and saw a bunch of tweets about you and an alligator. I didn’t know what was going on because my head was spinning to fast with thoughts of Chris Weitz on Twitter to find out. I just knew it’d be something UC and I would end up breaking down the next day. Soooo here we are…

The one where we try to Break It Down without even seeing it

look up Steve Irwin fanart for a good time!

Moon: dude have you seen the “alligator” pic yet? i havent even looked
UC: no! NO idea what it is
Moon: its the vanity fair cover! someone scanned the photos
UC: ohhhh with a hat? alligator!? why!?
Moon: i dont know… that’s what they do in new orleans?
UC: its’ for WFE right?
Moon: maybe he was doing a steve irwin memorial piece?
UC: hahahahhahaha
Moon: im sure he was a huge fan
UC: let’s discuss it before we even see it… pretend to be “Such rob experts” that we don’t even NEED To see the pictures to know the essence
Moon: DONE. we’re breaking it down without even SEEING the material, we’re this good (slash need a life)
Moon: so it’s probably been like what 5 years since the croc hunter was killed by a sting ray, so maybe he loved the show a lot. watched with his fam. and then wanted to do something to show his appreciation to bindi irwin and the fam

A LOT of time passes…

Are we being Incepted?

Moon: are you secretly looking at it?
UC:  yes i couldn’t wait ever since you texted me at 2 am I’ve been thinking about it.i couldn’t sleep, just waiting for this moment when I could look at the alligator
Moon: its true. i knew we would need to talk about it so i refused to look and went back to obsessively tweeting to and about Chris Weitz. true story
Moon: he tweeted a pic of his CUTE CUTE CUTE kid next to THE PANTS (not of the pattinson variety) and i was a goner
UC: NO!! THE PANTS? did he do that FOR US? this is true? or is this a dream? b/c it sounds like a dream next you’re gonna tell; me he has boxers that say DILF cuz that’s also a dream of mine

This is pretty much what's going on in our brains right now, only throw Rob in there too

Moon: maybe we have been Incepted because it was the pants AND Weitz on twitter AND some cute kid AND rob with an alligator… lots of dreams intersecting here
UC: I can’t tell what is a dream or reality. It’s all too good to be true
Moon: somewhere leo knew we needed some Inceptizing in our lives since November – most of February was SO boring
Moon: go to the photo and look at the 1st comment (it’s actually the 4thish now name: lynntribbsomething).  i may have left that….
UC: omg hahahhahahaha
Moon: isnt his kid freaking cute?
UC: omg that kid is cute
Moon: its like a mini chris
UC: put him next to a alligator and Imma goner
Moon: cause that’s safe.

The one where we finally get down to business
Moon: so back to rob…. id just like to add there was NO alligator/crocodiles in YENTL so this reptile is NOT acceptable for this photoshoot. Didn’t they read our initial Breakdown?
UC: Would a lizard be better?
Moon: no a goat or something. yentl is in poland not the swampy south. HELLO VANITY FAIR
Moon: ok so should we look now… OMG THERES A BUNCH! get ready… ok lets start with the cover…

Moon: OMGGGGG!!!!i die. literally i die laughing. im currently dying.
UC: hahha aOMG hahhaa no NOOOO oh poor Rob
Moon: is the hat on sideways?
UC: all the jokes…. I think it’s backwards… he will be RIPPED ALIVE by people who live to rip Rob alive
Moon: i mean his face is hot but theres an alligator near it
UC: this is unbelievable…i mean…. no… he has like.. a ranchers outfit on. that belt… BELT with jeans?? is he 47. don’t tell me he has white sneakers on too
Moon: he has a cell phone on the belt. the jitterbug is in a holster now
UC: his fingernails look manicured. his shirt- it’s too big
UC: who STYLED this???? a 200 year old man?
Moon: I KNOW!!! where’s the tailor?? or the photo shopper?

THIS could have been your cover Vanity Fair!! YOUR LOSE!

UC: photo shopper. STEP IN
Moon: i mean get any manip. creating rob fan on this and you’ll have him shirtless in 5 minutes with a 10pack and an oddly colored body… and tighty whities
UC: exactly. you know how everyone takes off the writing on images, the tags? shirt… gone pants gone. belt ON!!! just keep the belt on photoshoppers. belt on his undies
Moon: shoppers will make the alligator a weight bar for the nonstens and kstew for the robstens
UC: no seriously.. WHO thought this was a good idea?
Moon: ok, HE LOOKS HOT but everything ON him is not hot. it’s a lot of WHY? and is it irony that theres a title line on the cover that reads “the kid who brought chaos to the internet” uhhhhh GUILTY
UC: hahahahah GUILTY! another tagline:  “geeks gone wild” TRUE… geeks wear belted jeans & white tucked in shirts
Moon: so, the whole magazine is about him this month.

Sing us a song you're the piano man

The one where we make a lot of really bad band jokes
Moon: ok palate cleanser….
UC: ohhhh hottttt that’s the Robbie we like. Piano. Fitted clothes. No white sneaks
(please photoshop Rob in a pair of super white sneakers… do it to this picture)
Moon: the shirts still too big but he can wet my reed anytime!
UC: hahaha
Moon: HOLLER WOODWIND JOKES!!!
UC: you’re such a h00r. hahha
Moon: i love the clarinet just artfully laying on top of the piano. WHY? id rather have rag time robbie playing the upright… there’s also half a sousaphone/tuba laying down there. now THAT would be sexier than the cover and white sneakers. rob playing a sousaphone!
UC: YES hahahah ps.. back to the front cover it said something about “Robert Wresltes out of the twilight saga” wrestles so i think the thought was .. he’s wrestling an alligator but… i’d rather see him wrestle a sousaphone or a big ass tuba
Moon: yes
UC: or me
Moon: that’d make for better cover and who doesnt find a sousaphone player sexy?!
UC: i’d really rather see him wrestle me…right. I do
Moon: again with the band jokes!
UC: haha duh dum ching
Moon: think about him wearing the little beret all the sousaphone players wore… big puffed cheeks. twilight written on the side of the instrument… him wrestling it
UC: is it hot in here?
Moon: it is or maybe it’s just the hot air coming from the tuba
.

The one where we guess what Rob is…

Which way to the petrol station?

Moon: alright lets move right along
on the wrong side of the car again i see…. america is so confusing
Moon: so where do we think he’s driving to?
UC: A zoo or maybe to in-n-out
Moon: a steve irwin museum… maybe bindi irwin’s new live show? to pick tom stu up for a swamp boat tour? on his way to get those clothes tailored?
UC: let’s hope
Moon: Rob’s going to *insert joke i made that shall not be repeated because we like to live and we’ve had enough hatemail to last a lifetime*
id like to think thats really what he’s doing
UC: me too!!!
Moon: seriously
Moon:  i wish i could read the text on the scan better… something about “forget the relationship with kristen stewart – robert pattinson is blah blah blah”
UC: Let’s fill in the blank…
Moon: Ok, “”forget the relationship with kristen stewart – robert pattinson is……”
UC: “DTF with anyone”
“IN love with his stuffed alligator?
“A fan of all sorts of reptiles?”
Moon: “secretly president of the reptiles of the world club”
“a WOMAN”
UC: “really into stark white sneakers”
“Gay”

TUCK it in! (you knew I would!)

Moon: “loves to tuck stuff in”
UC: “in love with these two bloggers”
hahaha THE TUCK
UC: “loves to tuck stuff in as proved in Little Ashes”
Moon: “secretly wishing he was chris weitz”
UC: “Really jealous of Chris Weit’z mustard pants”
Moon: “is confused about how real cell phones work”
“is wondering whether he really is team edward or team jacob… they are impressive abs”
Moon: “is wondering how dry cleaning works. if it’s dry and there’s not soap….”
UC: “How the Oscars made him sing a song he never recorded”
Moon: HAHAHA

Where's cousin Larry?

The one where we almost call this the worst
Moon: alrighty last but defs not least (weird)
UC: waiting for his kosher pickle… he gets one at the end of each day. like SERIOUSLY?
Moon: it’s like Balki got lost at the train station in Mypos…..
UC: his mom… the modeling agent is gonna have a heart attack: “My poor baby has been RUINED” someone deserves to get FIRED over this one!
Moon: he looks mid sentence… she did NOT teach this pose at the barbazon / john robert powers modeling school in Barnes!
UC: no she did NOT
Moon: she taught the “swish and swirl” and the “look, smolder, dazzle” but NOT the “midsentence” modeling pose
UC: amen
Moon: why do these clothes look so hick?! and not even GOOD hick? i could dismiss hick if he were wearing wranglers and boots and was all hot cowboy-ed out.
UC: it’s the WORST PHOTOSHOOT EVER
Moon: WOAH WOAH THERE! i think you’re forgetting zigot rob…. let’s not jump the gun on “worst ever!!” We have come a LONG way. this is may be the ODDEST ever…
UC: hahhaha yes you’re right. sorry. I apologize
Moon: its alright we’re all a bit confused and scared: alligator rassler, rag time robbie, hanging in a car rob and lost hick/preacher boy… what do these things have in common???

Hey guys, I just had the best idea for a photoshoot with Rob Pattinson!

UC: vanity fair, so sure that this issue will be a best seller because it’s ROB, putting forth no effort/money/quality?
Moon: they should know the POWER of a vanity fair photoshoot. i mean it created US!! we started because of their first twi spread/BTS video. and they phone it in with this oddness?
UC: right….. i mean.. this is probably one, if not THE last during the twi craziness…. they end it with THIS?
Moon: he is super hot and i can see why they just feel like anything goes, but still?!  they didnt even get naked girls or bathtubs like Details mag. at least get some local baton rouge “working girls” to spice things up
UC: Breaking it Down Vanity Fair style just changed to Breaking it Down “Down home, alligator wrangling” style
Moon: “breaking it down TUBA style”
“breaking it down belted denim with too large shirt and dad phone style”
Moon: man i think i gotta make a run to the news stand at lunch… across from the chateau marmot… how apropos
UC: i hope Robsten is there making magic
Moon: i hope i can see a glimpse of a bearskin rug
UC: i think you can. I heard that you can see it
Moon: *insert another joke i made that shall not be repeated because we like to live and we’ve had enough hatemail to last a lifetime*
UC: hahahahahhahahahahahah
Moon: i’ll bring my super telephoto lens the one that helps show them holding wrists

Really Rob, an alligator? Weird. But dude those eyes? Like WOAH! And don’t you worry I will trek my happy lil arse BACK down to the news stand again tomorrow to gaze at the chateau for the bearskin rug see if the magazine came in.

RIP Steve Irwin!
Themoonisdown

UPDATE: According to the news stand guy who called his distributor if you’re in LA you can get Alligator Rasslin’ Rob Vanity Fair TODAY!

So what are your thoughts? Loving the alligator? Asking a lot of WHY’s? But how hot is he?! Those eyes!

Source: Robsessed via epnebelle via Pattinson Ladies

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169 Commented

Breaking Down Rob’s Sad Panda face and then it all goes down hill

Dear Rob,

UC and I got to talking about your weekend paparazzi run-in (see that link for pictures) and we decided that your sad panda face had to be the product of something other than being followed around by some smelly dudes with cameras. We break it down and then get distracted…

UC: I just watched the pap vid. so sad! he seemed really upset
Moon: dude didnt he? it was weird, right?
UC: yeah…. like something must’ve happened…i thought of a few things- Kristen was somewhere near by… and he didn’t want to get caught (cuz just he & Steph in Malibu? odd) OR maybe he was having a mole checked and was embarrassed
Moon: hahahaha defs a mole. OR maybe he was having stomach issues and needed to stop in a CVS but didnt want the paps to take a pic of his diarrhea medication
UC: OR Nikki Reed asked him to pick up a preggers test… he didn’t want them to get the wrong impression
Moon: OR he really wanted to get another double double but was embarrassed that the paps already caught him at an in n out twice that day
UC: he dripped milkshake on his pants and it looked like he peed
Moon: and all he could think about was the cupcake pants snafu from Vancouver. he didnt need people thinking he had a premature ejaculation issue
UC: Dick is sick he got the news and just wanted to cry, but no one read through his “please go away first” sad panda face. All he wanted was a hug even if it was from a sweaty guy who smelled like falafal
Moon: HAHAHA falafel
c

Moon: he just finished the final episode of the OC after going on a bender and watching all 4 seasons in a weekend and he just wanted to drive down the PCH like Marissa and Ryan one last time
UC: Tom was waiting around another bend…. with fake blood poured over him like Marissa- they even had Cam hanging out a truck window- watching him fake die, but Rob was late for the scene….it was sad. They were gonna submit it to funny or Die. Or just keep it to watch once a year during “best Friend Week.” Memories!
Moon: the highway patrol got there first and started a murder investigation
UC: B/c Tom had passed out the heat plus the 3 double double’s he scarfed down himself when Rob went down the road to get gas which they naturally ran out of! They don’t know gallons- only liters. it can be confusing to be British living in the US
Moon: OR rob found out he wrote down the wrong date for comic con and realized he missed the unveiling of the new star wars boba fet figurine
UC: haha
Moon: they sold out in 5 minutes. sad
UC: he went to beach with Stephenie but forgot to bring back Kristen a little jar filled with sand.
She can be a bitch if she doesn’t get her sand. she adds it to her loquat pie… acts like an aphrodisiac …helps with the love making on the bear skin rug
Moon: its a cheap fiber substitute and with all their traveling they have to stay regular
UC: It works- thus the trip to CVS for Rob
c

UC: OR maybe… Rob stole Rosie (the elephant) but she escaped into the sea and he dind’t have insurance on her yet
Moon: he saw her near paradise cove in malibu, lured her to the car with his double double wrapper but couldnt fit her in the backseat
UC: he did pick up a baby seal though thought she could be friends with Jella- such a giving guy
UC: yes I just name dropped Kristen’s cat…. no I’m not a krisbian.. I just have an affinity for all cats
Moon: im not playing anymore you just named her cat. i think you may have taken the krisbian oath on FaceBook last weekend. I’m booking my flight to philly for the intervention
UC: hahahah its a CAT! I don’t discriminate!
Moon: i want to say i do… but i can’t. but it’s a cat. the only cat i love is hello kitty
Moon: that may have been a twimoms on oprah moment for you…if you send me pics of your new place and i see a red carpet in the basement- i’m on the next flight out!
c

Moon: What is all this talk about Rob’s peen on Twitter?
UC: people are INSISTING his penis is showing… some think it’s photoshopped, i think it’s a PHONE
Moon: where is this picture
UC: here (to the right)
Moon: ok, im way more into his sunglasses than looking at his maybe-peen
UC: i looked at the one you posted today…. there is clearly something SQUARE in his pocket which moved
Moon: IF that’s his peen it’s detached and floating around in his “R-Pants”
UC: I think it’s his phone. Someone could’ve photoshopped it.. i just think it’s a bad angle or good angle..whatever
Moon: dude it’s not attached to anything at the bottom
UC: like… LOOK AT it close up  it’s SQUARE
UC: also is Rob that much of an idiot that he’d free ball it.
Moon: this is a rhetorical question, right?
UC: oh THAT’S WHY HE WAS SO SAD… his HUGE PENIS was going to be PHOTOGRAPHED. he KNEW IT *sarcasm
Moon: he’s pissed they didnt get ENOUGH pics of his huge penis. he’s going to only wear a shirt next time
UC: Yes…. and carry a magnifying glass to point to that area
Moon: tom stu will walk next to him with a neon arrow on wheels

Yup… so this is what we think happened and why you were so distressed on that paparazzi video it wasn’t being followed around and annoyed non stop by dorks with cameras. It was all these reasons! We get it now!

Off to measure my backseat for an elephant,
Themoonisdown

So which reason was it… what is your reason (besides the obvi) for his sad freaked out face? SHARE!

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