We need some scandal in our lives, Robert Pattinson!

(Rob’s back in London, so where’s the good stuff? Is he back in the basement again with Tom or out with Dick and the sisters? We need something! Like some scandal. And we’re not alone…….)

You want a scandal? I’ll give you a scandal

Dear Rob,

We reached the point where it’s time to write you a letter!

I always said that I will never ever support this blog by writing a letter to you because I was sure that I am not that obsessed with you (I’ve been visiting this blog every day for almost a year now! I love you, U.C. and Moon!) …but here I am!

I know that it is the most selfish thing I’ll ever ask for(It’s not that selfish.It’s normal, right?) but I really want to see pictures of you Russell-Brand-style: you standing at your window in your hotel room wearing nothing but your (boxer-)briefs while smoking a ciggie(How are we still not sure what underwear this man is wearing.It’s not like he is a celeb or something.We are so bad fans, I feel like I don’t know a thing about him.)

I know Russell stood there fully naked but after seeing ‘The Tuck’ I’m not quite sure if I want to see that (Oh, believe me I want to, I just wanna marry you first… errr wait no)

I want to see your real skin tone, man! And not looking like the death himself. Give me a proof that your six-pack was just fake, like I always knew. Don’t mess with me, man!Don’t even try confusing my senses.twss)

Do you remember the time where you licked Anna Kendrick’s face? Or when you stumbled down the street talking about Russell Brand cutting you off at the VMA’s and mumbling that you drank “just a little”?

Or when you did other sexy/hot/dorky possibly career damaging things while being totally drunk a bit tipsy.

I want some scandals!(And that absolutely does not mean that I want to see you arguing with paparazzi.I certainly don’t mean that kind of scandals!) Nothing can seriously ruin your career! Let’s talk simple about this, Rob!

Sometimes I’m a little torn. I respect you for having such a clean image in comparison to some other celebs and it proofs that you take your job seriously and want to be taken seriously by us as your fans and by other actors and directors. And of course it shows that you are protecting your privacy which means to behave and avoid some things, some things which would make you happy.( I’m sorry for not making fun of this like I probably should to fit in the hysterically sarcasm filled place LTR normally is.)

But you really need to give U.C. and Moon something to break down ‘vanity-fair-style’. (editors note: SERIOUSLY Ron, we need this… we really want to break something down!)

For the last few months I’ve seen pictures of you cuddling with elephants or lions without teeth (Yes I’m looking at you, Kristen Stewart).

Really, you’re bored with me too???

Where is the old Rob who just did not care? I understand that you had to change a little bit because of the press. I know that is a hard thing to ask for especially when nothing can really shock us anymore because we have seen you doing almost everything except having sex. (Nikki?-not answering, lying on the beach somewhere on vacation AGAIN.Kristen?Oh no we won’t make you flip the bird AGAIN.Tom? How much more money do you want for this damn tape of the two of you ‘fighting’ for the last HotPocket wearing nothing but your briefs from Marks&Spencer-And yes Tom is wearing Rob’s briefs.)

I’m sure when ‘Bel Ami’ comes out my need for something ‘shocking’ will be satisfied!

Do something, Rob! Even if it’s a picture of you and Kristen finally giving up your ridiculous game and make out in public (Yes, I’d go that far.) or videos of you ‘slapping’ Taylor Lautner in the face for looking like an alpaca/getting on my nerves/being lame not traveling with Big Daddy anymore. Or a video of you dancing (drunk or not) like a ballerina or like a pro to some rap song wearing your pants from the Eclipse-fight-training! (I want to see that.)

Or ask U.C. and Moon for an interview because every interview with normal presenters (except the one with your friend Miquita Oliver from T4, which was hilarious) is fucking boring and because they are the best!

Love,
The-person-who-puts-the-modesty-patch-on-Rob’s-private-parts

Big thanks to TPWPTMPORPP (whew, that was long) for writing in and can we all agree it’d be interesting to see Rob get into a little scandal now and again, right? Or do we like him being a little safe?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

101 Commented

Breaking Down Rob’s Sad Panda face and then it all goes down hill

Dear Rob,

UC and I got to talking about your weekend paparazzi run-in (see that link for pictures) and we decided that your sad panda face had to be the product of something other than being followed around by some smelly dudes with cameras. We break it down and then get distracted…

UC: I just watched the pap vid. so sad! he seemed really upset
Moon: dude didnt he? it was weird, right?
UC: yeah…. like something must’ve happened…i thought of a few things- Kristen was somewhere near by… and he didn’t want to get caught (cuz just he & Steph in Malibu? odd) OR maybe he was having a mole checked and was embarrassed
Moon: hahahaha defs a mole. OR maybe he was having stomach issues and needed to stop in a CVS but didnt want the paps to take a pic of his diarrhea medication
UC: OR Nikki Reed asked him to pick up a preggers test… he didn’t want them to get the wrong impression
Moon: OR he really wanted to get another double double but was embarrassed that the paps already caught him at an in n out twice that day
UC: he dripped milkshake on his pants and it looked like he peed
Moon: and all he could think about was the cupcake pants snafu from Vancouver. he didnt need people thinking he had a premature ejaculation issue
UC: Dick is sick he got the news and just wanted to cry, but no one read through his “please go away first” sad panda face. All he wanted was a hug even if it was from a sweaty guy who smelled like falafal
Moon: HAHAHA falafel
c

Moon: he just finished the final episode of the OC after going on a bender and watching all 4 seasons in a weekend and he just wanted to drive down the PCH like Marissa and Ryan one last time
UC: Tom was waiting around another bend…. with fake blood poured over him like Marissa- they even had Cam hanging out a truck window- watching him fake die, but Rob was late for the scene….it was sad. They were gonna submit it to funny or Die. Or just keep it to watch once a year during “best Friend Week.” Memories!
Moon: the highway patrol got there first and started a murder investigation
UC: B/c Tom had passed out the heat plus the 3 double double’s he scarfed down himself when Rob went down the road to get gas which they naturally ran out of! They don’t know gallons- only liters. it can be confusing to be British living in the US
Moon: OR rob found out he wrote down the wrong date for comic con and realized he missed the unveiling of the new star wars boba fet figurine
UC: haha
Moon: they sold out in 5 minutes. sad
UC: he went to beach with Stephenie but forgot to bring back Kristen a little jar filled with sand.
She can be a bitch if she doesn’t get her sand. she adds it to her loquat pie… acts like an aphrodisiac …helps with the love making on the bear skin rug
Moon: its a cheap fiber substitute and with all their traveling they have to stay regular
UC: It works- thus the trip to CVS for Rob
c

UC: OR maybe… Rob stole Rosie (the elephant) but she escaped into the sea and he dind’t have insurance on her yet
Moon: he saw her near paradise cove in malibu, lured her to the car with his double double wrapper but couldnt fit her in the backseat
UC: he did pick up a baby seal though thought she could be friends with Jella- such a giving guy
UC: yes I just name dropped Kristen’s cat…. no I’m not a krisbian.. I just have an affinity for all cats
Moon: im not playing anymore you just named her cat. i think you may have taken the krisbian oath on FaceBook last weekend. I’m booking my flight to philly for the intervention
UC: hahahah its a CAT! I don’t discriminate!
Moon: i want to say i do… but i can’t. but it’s a cat. the only cat i love is hello kitty
Moon: that may have been a twimoms on oprah moment for you…if you send me pics of your new place and i see a red carpet in the basement- i’m on the next flight out!
c

Moon: What is all this talk about Rob’s peen on Twitter?
UC: people are INSISTING his penis is showing… some think it’s photoshopped, i think it’s a PHONE
Moon: where is this picture
UC: here (to the right)
Moon: ok, im way more into his sunglasses than looking at his maybe-peen
UC: i looked at the one you posted today…. there is clearly something SQUARE in his pocket which moved
Moon: IF that’s his peen it’s detached and floating around in his “R-Pants”
UC: I think it’s his phone. Someone could’ve photoshopped it.. i just think it’s a bad angle or good angle..whatever
Moon: dude it’s not attached to anything at the bottom
UC: like… LOOK AT it close up  it’s SQUARE
UC: also is Rob that much of an idiot that he’d free ball it.
Moon: this is a rhetorical question, right?
UC: oh THAT’S WHY HE WAS SO SAD… his HUGE PENIS was going to be PHOTOGRAPHED. he KNEW IT *sarcasm
Moon: he’s pissed they didnt get ENOUGH pics of his huge penis. he’s going to only wear a shirt next time
UC: Yes…. and carry a magnifying glass to point to that area
Moon: tom stu will walk next to him with a neon arrow on wheels

Yup… so this is what we think happened and why you were so distressed on that paparazzi video it wasn’t being followed around and annoyed non stop by dorks with cameras. It was all these reasons! We get it now!

Off to measure my backseat for an elephant,
Themoonisdown

So which reason was it… what is your reason (besides the obvi) for his sad freaked out face? SHARE!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

93 Commented

Roblosophy: Rob’s Fans – Does anyone love you, Rob?

Do they love me? Do they love me not?

Dear Rob,

On the heels of yet another misunderstood and supposedly mean spirited post (*cough* not at all *cough*) about your costar Nikki Reed and her new mystery tattoo I got to thinking about you. Why when we poke fun and rag on you till the cows come home does no one bat an eye? Why doesn’t anyone stick up for you when we tease you like grade schoolers?

We’ve called you some crazy stuff over the past year and a half, we’ve insinuated (and flat out said) you’re gay on numerous occasions. Then we said you’re asexual. We’ve said you watch porn in a basement with the bff you buy underwear with. We call your dad Dick (we love you Dick!). We keep up the charade that you smell like a junior high boys locker room. We knock your sexual prowess at every turn. And we’ve even posted comics about how your face looks like a foot. And yet no real backlash. No emails calling us hookers who hate men. No tweets about how we’re stupid hags who hate Rob but love Taylor Lautner. No comments about us being jealous of Rob or how we’ve stepped over the line.

I’ll wait while you make this your new desktop wallpaper

And yet we can say one off handed thing about Kristen, or even today we can make up totally FAKE tattoo ideas based on things fans have said about Nikki Reed and the crazies come out of the woodwork to tell us we’re awful people.

Why do you think that is Rob? Do people think you’re a big boy who can handle himself and the jokes we make about you? Do you not have committed enough fans like the Krisbians or even Nikki Reeds lovers (we need to make up a name for you ladies) to have your back for everything, no matter what. NO.MATTER.WHAT.

I can’t begin to believe that’s true. Your fans will do practically anything for you. They build shrines and human shaped Rob pillows with your face on them. If anyone is committed it’s YOUR fans. But why don’t they raise hell for you over the dumbest stuff? Like pretty much everything we say about you. Are your fans too busy making Rob porn or staring at their cardboard cutouts of Edward in the closet (where they belong!) to be bothered by it? Or are they just in on the joke and understand it’s all in the name of good fun? It is the internet after all. This is the place where gopher’s can be famous for throwing some side eye over their shoulder, or where there’s a site totally devoted to awkward family photos. It’s supposed to be ridiculous, right?

Or maybe you’ve proven yourself in public, in interviews,  and at events that you’re good natured and can poke fun at yourself, whereas some of the other people we joke about aren’t quite as comfortable with themselves in a public forum? I don’t really know but I want to know what all YOUR fans think out there. Why is there such a staunch backing and support for people like Kristen and Nikki and some others but when it comes to you it’s anything goes? Riddle me that, Rob. Or rather have your fans tell me.

But seriously, the foot thing? Still makes me laugh,
Themoonisdown

Tell me what you think. Why the outrage when we poke fun at someone else but when we diss Rob, no biggie? What should we call the staunch Nikki Reed supporters?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

213 Commented

Happy Birthday Kristen, love Rob

I’m passed out in your garden

I’m in I can’t get off so soft
I’d pop myself in your body

I’d come into your party, but I’m soft

a

1,360 Commented

Our Itinerary

Urban Cowboy

Dear Rob,

We read your GQ interview interview today and, on average, are 88% certain you have read our site (more to come on that theory later). As a result, we want to extend an offer to you to come stay with us in LA next weekend. Yes, we said US. I (UnintendedChoice) am flying from Philly to LA next Friday night to spend an entire 5 days with Moon. This is quite the miraculous event as it will be only the 2nd time we have seen each other in 6.5 years (We met in 2002 at a semester-away program and said 1 phrase to each other the entire 4 months we lived together- the phrase was “Wanna become real friends in 6 years and start a blog about a boy who is currently 15?”)

It is mere coincidence that we happen to be starting our weekend together the EVENING of the Midnight Release Parties for the Twilight DVD. But we will be taking full advantage of the fact. We’ve been busy planning our itinerary, and if you see any events of interest, remember- this is an open invitation and you are welcome to join!

Here is a quick preview of what we’ll be doing together:

• Writing extremely smutty fan-fic, cause there’s nothing better than sitting with a close friend and sharing what gets you really hot.
• Doing our best Nikki Reed & Kristen Stewart “faux lesbians” impressions wearing Doc Martens and skinny jeans, while hand-holding, skipping down Robertson Blvd, sharing a ciggie while the paps “just happen” to be following us
• Attending a Border’s Midnight Release Party where will WIN all the contests they are holding while elbowing 14 year olds to get our copy of the DVD signed by the #2 gaffer and head plumber from the set
• Watching the DVD over & over & over again, pausing on all the scenes where you look the hottest while spooning in Moon’s bed (UC’s making her famous popcorn)
• Dressing UC’s husband and his best friend up like vampires and making them act out our fan fic while we give them direction like “act more vampire-y, MORE EDWARD! Show me UNDEAD!”
• Acting out the Meadow Scene at Griffith Park (where they ACTUALLY shot part of the scene in the movie! We will find the spot of grass that you touched, Rob, WE WILL!)
• Writing letters to ourselves (letterstoUCandMoon.com coming soon to a computer near you)
• Watching all of your movies on YouTube (we both still havent’ seen The Haunted Airman) & all clips online EVER that mention you
• Throwing a slumber party with Ashley Green and Rachelle
• Video chatting with Clare Pattinson and discussing how you need to eat more
• Plotting world domination one blog at a time!

We know you’re busy getting ready to shoot New Moon, but we wanted to extend an offer for you to visit during the time when we’ll be together. The house will be crowded- UC’s husband will be there and so will his bff, and the boys are taking the couches, but Moon has a big bed and there will be a spot for you in between us, if you’re interested. We do have one little request, if we could. Please be sure that when you come to LA, you’re looking as such:

We will focus on the movie with you looking like this in between us on Moon's bed. We will. We will not be thinking of all the bad things we want to do to you. We Promise.

Love,
Us

794 Commented