We need some scandal in our lives, Robert Pattinson!

(Rob’s back in London, so where’s the good stuff? Is he back in the basement again with Tom or out with Dick and the sisters? We need something! Like some scandal. And we’re not alone…….)

You want a scandal? I’ll give you a scandal

Dear Rob,

We reached the point where it’s time to write you a letter!

I always said that I will never ever support this blog by writing a letter to you because I was sure that I am not that obsessed with you (I’ve been visiting this blog every day for almost a year now! I love you, U.C. and Moon!) …but here I am!

I know that it is the most selfish thing I’ll ever ask for(It’s not that selfish.It’s normal, right?) but I really want to see pictures of you Russell-Brand-style: you standing at your window in your hotel room wearing nothing but your (boxer-)briefs while smoking a ciggie(How are we still not sure what underwear this man is wearing.It’s not like he is a celeb or something.We are so bad fans, I feel like I don’t know a thing about him.)

I know Russell stood there fully naked but after seeing ‘The Tuck’ I’m not quite sure if I want to see that (Oh, believe me I want to, I just wanna marry you first… errr wait no)

I want to see your real skin tone, man! And not looking like the death himself. Give me a proof that your six-pack was just fake, like I always knew. Don’t mess with me, man!Don’t even try confusing my senses.twss)

Do you remember the time where you licked Anna Kendrick’s face? Or when you stumbled down the street talking about Russell Brand cutting you off at the VMA’s and mumbling that you drank “just a little”?

Or when you did other sexy/hot/dorky possibly career damaging things while being totally drunk a bit tipsy.

I want some scandals!(And that absolutely does not mean that I want to see you arguing with paparazzi.I certainly don’t mean that kind of scandals!) Nothing can seriously ruin your career! Let’s talk simple about this, Rob!

Sometimes I’m a little torn. I respect you for having such a clean image in comparison to some other celebs and it proofs that you take your job seriously and want to be taken seriously by us as your fans and by other actors and directors. And of course it shows that you are protecting your privacy which means to behave and avoid some things, some things which would make you happy.( I’m sorry for not making fun of this like I probably should to fit in the hysterically sarcasm filled place LTR normally is.)

But you really need to give U.C. and Moon something to break down ‘vanity-fair-style’. (editors note: SERIOUSLY Ron, we need this… we really want to break something down!)

For the last few months I’ve seen pictures of you cuddling with elephants or lions without teeth (Yes I’m looking at you, Kristen Stewart).

Really, you’re bored with me too???

Where is the old Rob who just did not care? I understand that you had to change a little bit because of the press. I know that is a hard thing to ask for especially when nothing can really shock us anymore because we have seen you doing almost everything except having sex. (Nikki?-not answering, lying on the beach somewhere on vacation AGAIN.Kristen?Oh no we won’t make you flip the bird AGAIN.Tom? How much more money do you want for this damn tape of the two of you ‘fighting’ for the last HotPocket wearing nothing but your briefs from Marks&Spencer-And yes Tom is wearing Rob’s briefs.)

I’m sure when ‘Bel Ami’ comes out my need for something ‘shocking’ will be satisfied!

Do something, Rob! Even if it’s a picture of you and Kristen finally giving up your ridiculous game and make out in public (Yes, I’d go that far.) or videos of you ‘slapping’ Taylor Lautner in the face for looking like an alpaca/getting on my nerves/being lame not traveling with Big Daddy anymore. Or a video of you dancing (drunk or not) like a ballerina or like a pro to some rap song wearing your pants from the Eclipse-fight-training! (I want to see that.)

Or ask U.C. and Moon for an interview because every interview with normal presenters (except the one with your friend Miquita Oliver from T4, which was hilarious) is fucking boring and because they are the best!

Love,
The-person-who-puts-the-modesty-patch-on-Rob’s-private-parts

Big thanks to TPWPTMPORPP (whew, that was long) for writing in and can we all agree it’d be interesting to see Rob get into a little scandal now and again, right? Or do we like him being a little safe?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

101 Commented

Spot Rob, the in-field guide

Dear Rob-

Since you’ve been hiding out recently sleeping in with me everyday getting into character/working out/escaping freaky stalker Twimoms, we’ve missed you around these parts. In fact we’re starting to forget what you even look like (ok, ok just go along with me on this one gals), you know when you haven’t seen someone in so long you sometimes can’t picture them in your head? That’s what this feels like Rob! But fortunately for us some crappy rag-mag has published this easy how-to guide for recognizing your body parts on other people. So when that blessed day comes and you’re spotted out in that grandma sweater of yours we’ll be able to figure out it’s YOU and not Jake Gyllenhaal with a Dadcase. He wishes!

click to enlarge

Enlarge this badboy by clicking on it. Perfect size to be printed off and carried around in your handbag, Ladies. Just in cases!

Let’s break it down shall we…

• Orlando Bloom’s Eyes– Elven eyes are better than Elven ears I suppose. But yea I can see this. And they actually kinda look related. Oh those Brits!

• Matthew McConaughey’s Hair – Ef the hair, the only thing I’m worried about is Rob’s hair taking after Matthew’s and waking the neighbors with naked bongo playing. The boy’s not muscular enough for that kind of exertion.

• Jake Gyllenhaal’s Eyebrows – So I take it Jakey’s eyebrows have to be pushed and pulled and plucked and tweezed and waxed into submission just like Robbie’s? Poor Jake.

• Chase Crawford’s Lips – WTF?! I’d like to think we know a thing or two about Rob’s lips around these parts, especially when they get all smooshy. Besides, Chase Crawford looks like a melty Ken doll, I simply cannot agree with this or condone it. NEXT!

• Jude Law’s Chin – Better than having some of Jude Law’s other uh… parts allegedly. AHEM. Sorry Judey.

Now Rob don’t play hard to get… come out and be a nice boy otherwise we’ll be forced to use the tools (this field guide*) we have to find you!

Smooches and Tweezers!
Themoonisdown

*ladies!! I know you too well.

675 Commented

Coming to a Forks Dream House near you!

action heroes wearing peacoats! my how things have changed!

Dear Rob-

I guess these new action figures they’re planning on selling at Hot Topic are better than those other creepy Twilight dolls but what’s really on my mind is… are these action figures anatomically correct?

<3
Me

PS hey gals, guess you can stop worrying about crushing that paperdoll cut out of robby you’ve been carrying around in your bag and I can start a new feature along with the pillow (post coming soon), where in the world is the Edward action figure?! 😀

PISTNB

26 Commented

It's an American Apparel Christmas…

Dear Rob,
Got your Christmas Card.

Loved it. Have a great Christmas, yourself. I hear you’re back home in London. Give kisses to your  ‘mum’ for me.

xo

PS: You’re looking a little skinny. Did someone photoshop your beautiful face onto an American Apparel model again? Next time, use your own hot bod. xo

8 Commented