pattinson | Letters to Rob

RPattz: What’s in a name

Posted by unintendedchoice on July 13th, 2010

Dear Rob,

I’ve seen a pattern. And it’s that the media calls you by the worst nickname of all: Rpattz.

I CRINGE every time I read of or hear you called that (I do realize the irony in that a simple nickname causes me to cringe as opposed to things I’ve read heard about in Fan fiction like “Rob Pattinson sat reading a children’s book outloud to the kids during story time when his eyes locked with the hot, 40something MILF sitting in the corner, with spit-up on her t-shirt. He asked the weird library volunteer to finish reading to the kids while he took the MILF into the bathroom to get add to her t-shirt mess….”

It’s like those who refer to you as RPattz don’t even know you. I mean, your MOM doesn’t call you that! When she rings you up to check on your health it’s not “RPattz, how is your rash doing? Have you been trying that powder down there that dad told you to use? It’s “Robert- I’ve been concerned that no one is caring for you. I’ve emailed you a spreadsheet with the locations of the 5 nearest CVS pharmacies” or when she texts you about the latest letter on LTR she read it’s not “Rpattz- did ya catch those crazies on that blog about you?” it’s “Rob- you should really heed my advice & look up UC & Moon. They’d make a nice addition to the Pattinson family (Plus they already have t-shirts for the reunion next holiday)” (the Clare of my fantasies is a thorough texter)

Why must the media continually cause me to shudder by referring to you by that awful nickname? Think I’m exaggerating? Hop over to any major media blog (MTV, VH1, E! Online, Extra, etc.) or turn on any celebrity channel and you’ll immediately see RPattz written in all it’s shudderlicious glory or hear a plastic-looking female say “Rpattz” in a whining voice. It’s annoying- and I know you think so too.

Since I know you so well and have known you for so long, I’ve figured out what names you are referred to and when.

There’s Robert- your given name, the one you sign on legal contracts, Twimom’s Edward Cullen underpants and the one the Queen calls you when you go over for tea.

There’s Robbie- Lizzie pronounced it “Wobbie” when she was 4 and had a speech impediment, and from ages 3-5 it was the name of choice from your family (except for Grandma, who firmly believes that by calling you anything other than your Christian-given name “Robert” she is surely damning you to an eternity of fire & brimstone) The only one who still calls you Robbie is that aunt who sells you out to the tabloids. She does it to make it seem like she’s still in with the Pattinson clan. Even though the last time anyone spoke to her was in 1994 when your cousin Billy ate too many hob nobs and threw up on Patty the dog.

I like dogs

Speaking of Patty- that’s a name you were first called by the boys in primary school during a game of soccer. It was printed on your jersey for the next 3 years until you named your dog Patty Pattinson.. and then that just seemed weird.

Hey- call me Claudia

You can’t mention names without talking about Claudia the name your sisters called you when they dressed you up as a girl. Besides the occasional TV reporter who, in prepping for an interview, read that fun fact and thought it was relevant to bring up, two years later, no one calls you that anymore. Unless you count Victoria & Lizzie who, quite often after sensing a girlfriend is about to ask, one more time, if she can see the pictures from the Pattinson family vacation at the lake with you in your swimming trunks, whip out a picture of you in a dress & heels, with blush on your cheeks and say, “No- but I’ll show you Claudia.”

Of course there’s Rob which is a name that has stuck with friends & acquaintances, much to grandma’s dismay. Not formal like Robert, yet not so casual like Robbie, it’s the perfect name for friends and wanna-be friends. Plus one syllable is always easier to scream out during the throws of passion.

Then there’s Roberto which they scream at you at Mexican photocalls and is the reason why all Twihards suddenly love Lady Gaga. She’s singing our anthem- for you.. Not sure who this Alejandro fellow is, but we sure as hell know Roberto!

And the name you’ll be cursed with forever, but is still a gazillion times better than RPattz, Robward. You play Edward. Edward is loved. Therefore you are loved and so you’ll be connected to that character forever. You’ll be in your fifties and have 75 films under your belt and the media will still refer to the good old days when “RPattz was “Robward” “ It sucks. But it’s life. And also the reported 41 million you’re probably going to make from Breaking Dawn parts 1 & 2 probably makes it worth it. I’m not 100% sure, but I’m 97.2% sure. Think of all the full dumpsters you can buy to put in your backyard so it’s like you have your own personal mall with 41 million!

You’ll always be Robbie, Robert, Rob, Really hot to me,
UnintendedChoice

SO what do you think? Do you have an RPattz pet-peeve like me? Have you noticed that it’s those who don’t know him “well” who call him that? Notice how NORMAL that last sentence I just wrote was? What’s YOUR favorite name to call Robalicous!?

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