My idea of Rob

For all you haters out there, I’m going to say what you’re planning on saying so you don’t have to: IS THIS A ROB FAN SITE OR A NON-FAN SITE? HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU LIKE ROB & THEN CRITICIZE HIM LIKE THAT? YOU ARE SUCH A BAD EXCUSE FOR A FAN. GO EAT A BIG BOWL OF ICE CREAM YOU FAT, STUPID ROB-HATING LOSER. There! Now you don’t have to say those things and can just enjoy the letter!!!

The Rob in my mind always wears the Uncle Jesse Jacket

Dear Rob,

It became clear to me from the MTV awards the other night that I’m not sure I like the right Rob. Let me back up- I’m not sure the Rob I like is the 100% true, real Rob. See when you started on your rant/conversation/speech/drunk talk about Reese, Mr. Choice walked in the door. And the entire time you were speaking he looked at me with a look that said, “REALLY? You like HIM, UC?” It made me want to throw a pillow at him & say “NO! That’s NOT the Rob I like!” And as I thought about it, it hit me. That swearing, rambling, bad-spoken, 2nd-hand embarrassing version of you is NOT who I like. I think I like the Rob in my mind.

Sure my mind’s version of Rob is based on you. He’s a lot like you, but I’m coming to realize he might not be completely the real you. He’s got your face & singing voice and some of the same adorkable qualities, but when he speaks it’s not embarrassing for anyone- it’s not perfect. It’s not necessarily gonna win you any awards, but you’re humble & shy in a cute adorable way.

As I thought about this I realized I cannot be the only one who thinks this way. Right? And it turns out, I’m not. Other people have built you up in their minds as well.

Adrienne's Rob

Adrienne said:

My Rob is kind of Edward, kind of WFE Jacob (a great husband eventually), a great humanitarian like Sean Penn, Ben Afleck, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt. He’s a great writer/musician/comedian like Steve Martin, super suave like Don Draper. Rob of my mind is NOT a frat boy that does excessive drinking and drugs. OH plus he NEVER says anything stupid. Ever. PLUS he’s actually capable of of using those bedroom eyes instead of just staring out of them. I’m afraid he may be lacking in the bedroom skills. Sorry. Not like Ryan Gosling. You KNOW that guy’s a pro.

Is it weird to say that I have no idea how the Rob in my mind is in the bedroom? I want to say I imagine him (you?) as pretty darn amazing, but I can’t say that that’s what I think. Am I confessing I imagine BAD SEX with you? Um, that’s weird.

Bri added:

The Rob in my mind doesn’t come across completely awkward like he did at the MMA on Sunday. Yes, there’s a side of awkward/dorkiness like the one that surfaces in his interviews but it’s quite endearing. The only other thing that makes Rob more perfect in my head is that he doesn’t smoke.

The smell of perfection

Speaking of “smelling,” Katie says:

172 Commented

Rob is in between

Dear Rob,

Before we go any further, I have to point out that I liked Water for Elephants. It’s not going on any “Best Of” lists. No one is going to win any Oscars for it, but I thought it was a great movie. I loved the book, and I thought the movie was a great representation. There were great moments for you, Rob. There were great moments for Reese. That doesn’t mean I thought it was perfect, but I enjoyed the movie. I probably won’t see it again, but that’s because I’m pretty broke. Plus I’d rather spend my free time watching ROBSTEN videos online (<– Click that unless you follow us on Twitter and experienced the joy of “UC Tweets Robsten videos while drinking vodka” last night)

That being said, I want to talk about how you, Rob, are not a boy, not yet a man. Yes, just like Britney Spears sang. Well, kinda.

You see, one of my favorite things about you as Jacob Jankowski was that the role really FIT you. In fact, afterward, Mr. Choice told me that he thought you did a great job because you were exactly like Jacob. An attractive guy, yes, but a little socially awkward & kinda dorky. (His proof was the photo below. He said he was pretty sure this was shot one day when you all were just goofing around ‘off-camera’ and someone caught it & decided to include it in the film)

I love my days off!

Jacob is those things- a bit awkward because he’s in an new social situation with all new people after his family has been ripped from him. Dorky because, well, he’s a 22 year old, almost Ivy-league graduated virgin. Three types of guys go to Ivy-league: Foreign royalty, Hot, Rich Douche-bags in secret societies who row crew & dorky smart guys who’ve never touched bare breasts. (Me Stereotype? Nooo) And you play that role well! Because, well, you’re kinda a social recluse with your books & artsy films. And we KNOW you and that supposed girlfriend of yours are saving “it” for marriage…… soooooooo…..

WANTED: Passion

But here’s where it all falls apart for me, Rob. And here’s where Britney Spears comes in…. I’m not feeling the chemistry between you & Reese. You portray very appropriately this young, “I’m finding my way- living free, making mistakes, looking silly but growing up” stuff & then when it comes to the real, deep sexual, raw chemistry, it falls short. You do the dorky, young guy stuff perfectly, but can’t quite perform as the man (See? Britney Spears) The Rob Pattinson “awkwardness” you’ve perfected in your roles plays great for a teenager (Edward) & college student (Tyler, Jacob). But when faced with a smoking’ hot all woman co-star like Reese, the role commands a MAN to take control of those scenes & force the passion. SHOW US your love for Marlene. SHOW US you want her. We know you do. We read the book. We can tell a bit by your actions. But I want to SEE IT so badly that I run out of my seat and try to climb in the movie screen to take you for myself (Oh you’re right- I’d do that either way!)

I think it could be that your good looks are to your detriment, too. If you were slightly less hot you could be the funny, awkward Seth Rogan (or even Adam Brody!). But instead you’re on a wholleeee other level. So we expect Brad Pitt. And you don’t have the confidence yet to sex it up Pitt-style. Well, I don’t think you do. But in case you want to prove me wrong I’m here. Willing. Able. Always.

So Rob… take off your shirt, hop on top of a cliff & sing about how you’re not a boy, not yet a man…

All I need is time…. a moment that is mine… while I’m in between,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump (can you guess!?)….. Continue…

76 Commented

Stuff my Grandma says about Rob Pattinson

Best.Grandma.Ever

Dear Rob,

Last night I had a dinner date with my 73 year old grandmother. Then she took me to Kohls to buy me lots of gifts. [Sidenote: Moon & I discussed how all grandmom’s really love Kohls. I think it’s all the coupons. And the Sr. Citizen discount. But then I saved $110 at Kohls last night on some really cute things & decided I must be a grandmom. I love Kohls too.] But during dinner she slid something across the table towards me, and when I turned it over, much to my surprise (because I really really really thought I hid my obsession well) it was Rob & Reese’s photo from their recent cruise to Paradise from EW. My Grandmother said:

UC’s Grandmom: Did you see this?
[UC’s thoughts]: Duh! And omg omg omg.. does she know about LTR? And the things I’ve SAID on LTR?
UC’s Grandmom: It’s that fella you like. I don’t know what you see in him! He’s so ugly!!
[UC’s thoughts]: I knew she was going crazy!
UC’s Grandmom: His face is weird. Now SHE is beaitiful!!
[UC’s thoughts]: Grandma’s a Reecbian!

It cracked me up & got me thinking, is my grandma alone? Is she the only grandma out there who doesn’t find “that fella” smokin’ hot? Do you, Rob, not attract woman over a certain age or lifestyle? Once retirement hits & the bus trips with the ladies at the YMCA are bi-monthly affairs, do you have to close the book on Robsessing?

I did a lot of research (read: googled it once) about “Grandmom’s and Rob Pattinson” and what I found was… well, a couple posts on LTR, actually. Now, of course, the term “Grandmom” is relative… Grandmom’s can be YOUNG. Grandmom’s can be OLD. Grandmom’s can in between those two numbers. I KNOW we have readers who have grandkids. I KNOW we’ve gotten letters from women who are grandmothers (although I can only remember ONCE anyone fessing up to being over 70)

A post from the Answer Bitch on E! online last year popped up in my research. The question was:

I live in Maryland, but I would like to meet Mr. Robert Pattinson, shake his hand, and invite him out to dinner or drinks. I’m a 51-year-old grandmother, not a crazed teenager. I’d simply like to get to know a little about him on a one-on-one basis. What would be the best way to attempt this?

The answer to the question was what you could expect from someone called the Answer Bitch. It was bitchy & snarky &, well, true. That’s a crazytimes question. You have no interest in sitting down with a grandma, a hot cougar OR a crazed teenager for “dinner or drinks.” If you were, you think I’d be sitting on my bed, cat on my lap, New Moon T-shirt on my body (True) in Philadelphia? No way jose… I’d be all up your business in Vancouver, case of Heineken in hand, reservations to every restaurant in Vancouver booked, just so I make sure we get in at your favorite (Because apparently in this fantasy in my mind, Rob Pattinson has to make reservations and can’t just walk into any restaurant in the world)

The comments on this “Grandmother” post are lively… I posted the best, followed by my thoughts after the jump! Continue…

116 Commented

Breaking down Vanity Fair article, Vanity Fair Style

Dear Rob,

Have you read your Vanity Fair article yet? If not, you might want to take a second to read the scans so you can participate in the Roblosophy we’re having. What ARE we getting Roblsophical about? What else? Your state of mind during the article, of course. I rounded up Moon & @brookelockart to see if we could figure out who you are- since obviously we know you better than you know yourself. Here are our steam of consciousness thoughts, in order of how they appear while we’re reading:

UC: Rob smokes American spirits!! nice. I have some in my home. I hate them. But we can joke about this. And stop talking about Heineken & hot pockets so much. he classed it up a notch. and OMG—HE HAS AN ASSISTANT? The dream job!!! All you’d have to do is light American Spirits, pop off the caps of Heinekens & microwave Hot Pockets all day (okay, so it’s been 3 seconds & I can’t stay away from the Heine/Hot Pocket jokes) Plus you could LOOK at him. How do I get that assistant fired & weasel my way into the job?

UC: And regards to the section of the article where in Tennessee people were banging on windows and wanting to touch his hair…. WHEN does this happen? WHY do we not hear about it? We are Rob fans….. I don’t know anyone who would do that. This is like.. Beatles hysteria.. and yes- we’ve seen it at premieres.. but that’s always going to happen there, but I’ve never even heard first-hand account of this happening outside of those situations… it’s insane…

Dear crazies, this was the ONLY time this was appropriate. (and barely even then)

Moon: I know.. does the whole airport thing feel so 2008?! I mean people asking him to bite them?! does anyone REALLY do that unless they’re Tyra banks? we know a lot of the fandom and i don’t know ANY of them who would do this… unless they were like 13 and became a fan back in 2006. I mean really? not that I don’t believe him that weird shit happens but i think it’s probably the exception and not the rule.

Brookelockart: Are people REALLY still asking to bite his neck? I mean we’ve all seen that interview a gazillion times, where the girl NEEDS him to bite her neck, but I’m going to guess that isn’t happening anymore.

Moon: I’m not saying that didn’t happen once, twice or even MANY times- but… let’s remember how Rob is in interviews. He’s awkward. He says stuff he probably makes up or half makes up- or doesn’t even always mean. I mean “I eat Hot Pockets every day & don’t shower?” That’s clearly not true. Again – I bet every story he’s told has some sort of truth or is true or was at one point, but does it happen all the time every single day like this seems? Well, no.

Brookelockart: I love Rob’s slanted view on America. Dear Rob, there’s plenty of times where I am the only white person on the bus. Try living outside of the hollywood bubble for a hot minute. Also, I love how we totally know who the “British friends” are – a nice wake up call that average America doesn’t, just us crazies. Oh and, I’m guessing that chain smoking will probably give you the shakes, especially if you aren’t eating. Maybe that’s the cause of the braille handwriting? Sad, sad Rob! (Oh and I dread all future reference to Rob and his Kindle.)

UC: Speaking of Kindles, you can get on the internet with those right? So Rob doesn’t miss our daily letters?

Brookelockart: Grrrrr

Moon: Are people actually saying this article has something or ANYTHING to do with Kristen?

UC: Of course. Their EPIC love is all throughout the article, can’t you see?

Moon: Besides Rob skirting around the question of their relationship when it was asked, she wasn’t mentioned. This wasn’t about them- or his love life at all. It was promo for Water For Elephants. That’s all there is to that!

Brookelockart: Well, I was sad to read the article but not upset over my level of fan girl..I’m admire from afar, I don’t know his whereabouts and don’t claim that I know anything about it. That’s fine by me.

UC: Sad!? Really? I don’t understand that- what made you sad?

Brookelockart: The way the article was written made him seem down and out & frustrated with his life. I look at it like when you are stuck in a job that you liked at first but now hate. He’s just over twilight. I can’t blame him. And I know that everything becomes amplified in the interview. And I don’t think he’s on lockdown 24/7, but the tone of the interview was definitely for us to feel a bit bad for him. Clearly he wasn’t on cloud nine feeling the magicness. Maybe he spilled something sticky (NOT THAT) on the bear skin rug that morning. Who knows.

Moon:

Well, I’m usually the type of person to play devil’s advocate. Plus I’m just a glass half-full kind of person: People have off days. I think that the stuff that happens to Rob DOES suck, but the things that are good probably out weigh the bad. And also… we’re reading this as how the WRITER sees it. Ya know how sometimes we see a picture where Rob’s head is down & he looks super sad or scared? When in reality he was just spitting a loogey on the sidewalk? It’s all in your perspective. And without really KNOWING him, we’ll never really know. Unless we break into his email. Which apparently is possible. What do you think the password is

UC: UCANDMOON what else?

Moon: Also… think back to the countless interviews we’ve seen with Rob- and how he comes across in person on camera. He’ll say ANYTHING- and it could be true or false. You can generally tell the difference in a TV interview, but that humor doesn’t always translate to paper. I don’t think he meant he literally CRIED when the elephant was done her scenes. I think he was just describing his emotions- he was sad. He enjoyed his time with her. He loved it!

UC: I actually think that article was less self-deprecating than he usually is. To me he did not seem “depressed” Jaded with it all? Hell yeah. Ready for it to be over. EFF yeah. Exhausted? Sure. But….. it made me remember why I like him: Rob is an artist. And he has the mind of an artist. He’s introspective. He’s interested in art & culture & philosophy. He’d rather have a serious conversation than get f*cked up with friends. THAT is not depression. Can that be considered a depressive nature? Sure. I’m married to someone VERY similar. The difference is… Mr. Choice doesn’t have people screaming at him anytime he does come out of his solitude & wants to have a little fun. But Rob is a loner. Rob would rather be alone. With a book. He’s a bookworm!!

Moon: Exactly! He’s a delicate flower- He feels deeply- He thinks deeply. Everything effects him. And he wants to talk about it. He’s kind of a girl. (If I may be so derogatory.)

UC: You may. This article didn’t make me feel “bad” like some people have said. I don’t think Rob hates his life. I think he hates it when people scream at him, dudes want to beat him up & girls break into his email account. And all the people who feel “bad” about talking about him day in and day out online & obsessing over him shouldn’t feel bad because of THIS article (They should feel bad because the time that WE (yes, I included myself there) spend on him is kinda disgusting) because while they may talk crazy online- I think VERY FEW of them are actually crazy in person- or would be if they saw him. I think THOSE crazy fans who bang on windows & scare the shit out of him don’t sit around on twitter making “Rob Porn.” I don’t know what they do…. but I have a feeling it involves pipes & chemicals in a shed in the backyard….

Moon: Right and if he thinks the majority of Twi fans are that crazy- well that’s sad.. I feel bad.. they’ve got a bum wrap. WE’VE got a bum wrap. Crazies are exception not the rule, but sadly that’s what he thinks is the standard.

UC: So…those are my thoughts…. Rob’s gonna be okay. He’s gonna have dark days. But put him in a room with a pack of American Spirits & a good book & he’s happy. Eventually he’ll be able to go out for a nice dinner. It’ll be years FOR SURE. But it will happen. And he’ll eventually look back on “all this twilight stuff” and be grateful… b/c it got him to where he wants to be in the future- even if he never makes another movie again. While it’s hard to see & believe that’s going to happen, I think he truly believes it.

And there. Proved I actually know Rob. More than he knows himself.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to Shleeeigh who requested this Roblosophy!!!

I know you’ve been talking about it & thinking about it for days, but WHAT DO YOU THINK? Did the article make you feel sad like Brooke? Do you feel like maybe the writer was trying to GET us to feel something that maybe isn’t exactly there like Moon & I do? What do you think Rob’s email password is?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

81 Commented

In 2011 I resolve to forget about Rob……

Yesterday when I should have been blogging about Rob, I did not. Instead I perused blogs; Wrote on my personal blog (yay me!); Chatted with some pals & then caught up on the CRAZY aspects of the fandom with Moon. And had the best time ever. People are funny. And by that I mean delusional. And by that I mean kinda scary. After much psychological debate with Moon about “what is wrong with people,” I realized I had to blog. But it was past my bedtime. Boo me. All I could think about was the crazy I had just caught up on. And while I want more than ANYTHING to blog about the crazy delusions (especially since I have you on the edge of your seat thinking “WHAT is she talking about and WHICH “Side” does she think is crazy & delusional” (hint: both), I am sorry. I don’t want to be called a c*nt today. Maybe on Friday. Fridays are generally the days of the week when I like to be called different names for the vagina (my favorite is “The Box”- Member- save it for Friday though) So I searched through our email for something appropriate for today. And look at me- I’m going to be controversial anyway. Because apparently if anyone has an opinion that is less than perfect about Rob, LTR gets hate like you wouldn’t believe. Bring it. My favorite hate word for Wednesday is “hag” xoxo, UC

This is you. The Cake

Dear Rob,

Since it’s now into the second month of 2011, I figured the plethora of people discussing New Years resolutions has died down so it wouldn’t be annoying if I discussed mine now. Remember how a month ago you made a resolution while optimistic, happy and excited? Let’s face it, most of the time, you give up after a few weeks. Well, I haven’t! I guess I should just say it – out loud, say it!

My resolution is to finally admit to myself and get used to the idea that I’m kinda over you, Rob.

I had that feeling for a long time now, it’s like when you are on a diet and you always struggle and at first you still eat a piece of cake here and then, because you haven’t got control over your discipline yet. Time goes by and you learn and you get stronger and you see what else is in life other than that one piece of cake. You see and remember other things that satisfy you besides that cake. And one day you will figure that you gained the willpower to stay away. That you just don’t care as much about the cake than you did once.

Rob, you are the cake.

I look at the cake and think:

‘Yeah, of course you still look delicious and you still are my favourite thing in the whole world and there is no comparison, ever, but I’m kinda over you.’

After a while I probably am going to see that keeping that discipline is hard and tiring, especially when there are special events (Breaking Dawn trailer, -release, WFE release, Bel Ami trailer, -release [hot sex *fingerscrossed*], marriage, golden child, TomStu proposal to me, marriage, the real Golden Child…) when the cake is everywhere around you and is lit’rally shoved into your face- it’s hard to resist then. And I have to say that I will never stay away from you completely and I don’t want to, because eventually I experienced so much, so so much beauty and fun and laughter and sleepless nights because of you which I’ll never regret or would take back.

This should have been YOU without the clothes!

It’s been a wonderful time and I’m not saying that this time is over now (because I don’t have the strengh to stay away from you anymore…. BAM I’m still in the game!!) but my appetite has definitely changed over the past weeks if not months. I don’t really know why, but maybe if some things would have gone differently.

• Maybe if you were naked in the ‘Details’ shoot instead of the models.
• Maybe if Bel Ami already had released a trailer.
• Maybe if you would have filmed a sextape brought sexier underwear than those briefs.
• Maybe if your grey suit would have been even tighter than it already was.
• Maybe if (we would know) you had a d*ck like Ryan Gosling in that Blue Valentine scene. (UC note: Wait…. We SEE IT!? DEAR LORD WHERE HAVE I BEEN!?)
• Maybe if your bathing stuff would have been see-through instead of Kristen’s.
• Maybe if Condon had released a screenshot of your ass instead of Bella’s hand for God’s sake!

I can't. I have a daughter now

Yeah I’m blaming you, Rob. Are you getting old? Are you getting boring when you are in a relationship? Are you stepping on the next level in hiding- from Ninja to Invisible? Are taking Twi too serious and thinking you have to behave because you have a daughter now?

You know what, Rob? Since I’m a little thinner now and all happy with myself again, I can enjoy my cake much more. I know how to dose it now, because I learned how to stay away and then I’m even happier when I come back to it from time to time.

I just wondered if anyone is with me on that diet.

Looking forward to an extra delicious piece of cake really soon,
Love,
TPWPTMPORPP

I like how TPWPTMPORPP described it as “a diet.” How are you doing on “the diet?” Are you still gorging yourself or have you paced yourself? I’d have to say I feel like I’m anorexic. I need sustenance and I need it bad. Watch out- the first thing GOOD released about Rob in the next few weeks & months are gonna fill me up fast. I’m gonna Binge. Binge on Rob. And Maybe also Hot Pockets. It’s only appropriate!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

109 Commented