The end is here. We’re here for you Rob

Dear Rob,

We heard the news. And we’ve been preparing for years as we figured one day this would come (but to be honest… we kinda figured you’d mess it up instead of she-who-should-not-be-named (we’ll call her that in case hearing her name is too hard. Also because you were in Harry Potter)) So last night we broke the glass on the Break Up Kit. And we’re excited to share what is inside:

Gosh I miss 2009

First: of course there’s a Hot Pocket Fort. Big enough for the 3 of us complete with a small microwave– a necessity for what’s next on the list

The entire stock of Costco’s Hot Pocket Freezer. We bought them back in ‘2009 but those bad boys have enough preservatives to get us through 2015

There’s a KEG of Heineken chillen’ in my beer fridge. Sad times call for much more than a case of beer can ever do.

The Brit pack are here with their guitars tuned and voices warmed ready to serenade you with whatever you want. (Yep, they’re in our Break up Kit) Looking for something upbeat? Marcus is on it. How about an ol’ Bob Dylan tune? Bobby’s got you covered. And Sam’s even brushed up on the DMB catalog in case things get really rough.

Next up is a stack of print outs from Bigtits.com since we know you much you love them (and haven’t had access for a few years)

Michael Oregano’s phone # in case you want to swap stories.

She’s ready for you

In case you want to get dangerous to numb the pain, we’ve even got Tiffanized on speed dial. You’ll remember her as Rob’s M.O.M (Match of the Month back from February 2010) No one could ever forget the sexy woman who posed for you like this <—-

And of course there’s us: UC & Moon, Noreen & Bunny… the girls there to dry your eyes. We’ll let you call us whatever you want because this is our day to celebrate YOUR DAY. And we’re here for whatever your needs are. That’s right– vegetarian for 12 years, but I’ll even try the Pepperoni hot pocket. Cat lover at heart but I’ll walk Bear. Can’t understand a word you say when you sing, but I’ll sing a long to the new song you wrote.

Really. Whatever. You. Need

Hang in there,
UnintendedChoice (with theMoonisDown)

PS: Rob we have some chloraseptic… you know what that’s for

GUYS: WHO CARES?? EXCEPT WE DO BECAUSE TWILIGHT JUST GOT FUN AGAIN!!!!! YAY FOR SPECULATION & RUMOR! 

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Brookelockart and UnintendedChoice have a Quickie

Dear Rob,

Today we introduce you to a new type of blog post where Brookelockart & myself have a short conversation about you during our work days, turn it into a blog post & call it a quickie:

Brookelockart: Did you see that Rob feels bad for his Adele Diss?

“I had this argument with Adele, which is probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said,” Pattinson, 26, said. “[I told her] you know, you can just really reach for it!! And she was like, ‘You do realize, I’m, like, the biggest-selling female artist ever.’ And for some reason, I decided to get into an argument with her about it.”

UC: what did he mean by “you can just really reach for it?”

Brookelockart: i don’t know. Drunk Rob speak…
(5 minutes later)
now it bothers me… what did he mean?

"Hey Rob... reach for THIS"

UC: I know… Reach for what??  The plate of mini hot dogs (snack of choice at hot parties) that were sitting on the other side of him.. he didn’t want to pass?

Brookelockart: Reach for any hot tushie that walks by?

UC: The 6er of Heineken that was out of her reach?

Brookelockart: The back of cigarettes he left on the other side of the table… ?? The demo CD Rob has been carrying around to hand to Adele on a chance meeting??

UC: the signed DVD of Twilight

Brookelockart: Robsten’s sex tape (with Adele music playing in the back ground)

UC: Rob’s drunken, karaoke cover of “Someone Like You”.. sung in a female voice

Brookelockart: Rob doing THE TUCK and in drag, drunkenly singing “Set Fire to the rain”? Or maybe Reach for Kristen’s back up chucks that accompany her to every event?

Will we ever know? What DID you mean!?

Love,
UnintendedChoice & Brookelockart

What do YOU think Rob meant by “Reach for it?”

Image source

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Win a Date with Tad Hamil– I mean, Rob Pattinson

Dear Rob,

The other day, Twilightish brought to our attention a story running in a Swedish online paper that can’t possibly NOT be true:

Win a date with Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Ashley Greene

All you have to do to enter the contest is answer the following question & give reasons WHY you should be the one to win the date:

Robert Pattinson is of course best known for his role as Edward Cullen in “Twilight” films, but he has also appeared in another film based on bestselling books. What? *

•  Narnia
• Harry Potter
• Lord of the Rings

Of course, you are most known for your role in Ring of Nibelungs, so I guess the translation got messed up or something & they left that one out.

Since I got the answer obviously right, I put on my thinking cap, stared longingly at the middle picture all the way to the left of the collection posted here, and came up with reasons WHY I should win a date with you & Ashley:

1. Double Date with Robshley? That’s a lot of pretty people to stare at- surely making me very insecure- why would I pass THAT up? Plus, since the two of you seemed to have never spoken unless there were lines written down that you were paid to speak, having a “date” together, just the three of us, will be ALL SORTS of awkward. And I don’t want to miss that!

Me: How is your new dog, Rob?
Rob: Oh he’s fine he—
Ashley: You have a dog?

Me: Hey Ash- how is (insert name of Hollywood’s “it” boy of the week)
Ashley: Oh he’s good- super hot & good in bed
Rob: Aren’t you dating a Jonas brother?

2. Rob needs me for hair advice. And clothing advice, girl advice & “how to be a famous person without being a Douche like John Mayer or a hermit like he normally is” advice.

3. I’ll eat anything. (I mean anything) Plus I’m a cheap date. Heineken and TV dinners are okay by me. I’ll even ignore my 11 year vegetarianism for one night, if I have to.

4. I really could care less about Rob’s role as Edward or Ashley’s role as Alice. And I promise not to bore them with questions like “How did it feel for Edward to finally feel free to love completely once Bella turned Vamp” (or for Ashley “Can’t Alice SEE into the future & warm Jasper about the bad hair days ahead?)

5. I put out on my first dates. So naturally, Rob will, too.

So what do you think country of Sweden, organizers of the “WIN a Date with Ashley & Rob” event? Do I win?

Love,

UnintendedChoice

Why should YOU win a date with Rob? And how much do we want to bet that this is #1: A ploy for more web hits that will never come to fruition in Stockholm OR #2 the “Date” is a meet & greet signing event that will involve Rob & Ashley handing a pre-signed image to a fan & posing for one picture?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Breaking down Vanity Fair article, Vanity Fair Style

Dear Rob,

Have you read your Vanity Fair article yet? If not, you might want to take a second to read the scans so you can participate in the Roblosophy we’re having. What ARE we getting Roblsophical about? What else? Your state of mind during the article, of course. I rounded up Moon & @brookelockart to see if we could figure out who you are- since obviously we know you better than you know yourself. Here are our steam of consciousness thoughts, in order of how they appear while we’re reading:

UC: Rob smokes American spirits!! nice. I have some in my home. I hate them. But we can joke about this. And stop talking about Heineken & hot pockets so much. he classed it up a notch. and OMG—HE HAS AN ASSISTANT? The dream job!!! All you’d have to do is light American Spirits, pop off the caps of Heinekens & microwave Hot Pockets all day (okay, so it’s been 3 seconds & I can’t stay away from the Heine/Hot Pocket jokes) Plus you could LOOK at him. How do I get that assistant fired & weasel my way into the job?

UC: And regards to the section of the article where in Tennessee people were banging on windows and wanting to touch his hair…. WHEN does this happen? WHY do we not hear about it? We are Rob fans….. I don’t know anyone who would do that. This is like.. Beatles hysteria.. and yes- we’ve seen it at premieres.. but that’s always going to happen there, but I’ve never even heard first-hand account of this happening outside of those situations… it’s insane…

Dear crazies, this was the ONLY time this was appropriate. (and barely even then)

Moon: I know.. does the whole airport thing feel so 2008?! I mean people asking him to bite them?! does anyone REALLY do that unless they’re Tyra banks? we know a lot of the fandom and i don’t know ANY of them who would do this… unless they were like 13 and became a fan back in 2006. I mean really? not that I don’t believe him that weird shit happens but i think it’s probably the exception and not the rule.

Brookelockart: Are people REALLY still asking to bite his neck? I mean we’ve all seen that interview a gazillion times, where the girl NEEDS him to bite her neck, but I’m going to guess that isn’t happening anymore.

Moon: I’m not saying that didn’t happen once, twice or even MANY times- but… let’s remember how Rob is in interviews. He’s awkward. He says stuff he probably makes up or half makes up- or doesn’t even always mean. I mean “I eat Hot Pockets every day & don’t shower?” That’s clearly not true. Again – I bet every story he’s told has some sort of truth or is true or was at one point, but does it happen all the time every single day like this seems? Well, no.

Brookelockart: I love Rob’s slanted view on America. Dear Rob, there’s plenty of times where I am the only white person on the bus. Try living outside of the hollywood bubble for a hot minute. Also, I love how we totally know who the “British friends” are – a nice wake up call that average America doesn’t, just us crazies. Oh and, I’m guessing that chain smoking will probably give you the shakes, especially if you aren’t eating. Maybe that’s the cause of the braille handwriting? Sad, sad Rob! (Oh and I dread all future reference to Rob and his Kindle.)

UC: Speaking of Kindles, you can get on the internet with those right? So Rob doesn’t miss our daily letters?

Brookelockart: Grrrrr

Moon: Are people actually saying this article has something or ANYTHING to do with Kristen?

UC: Of course. Their EPIC love is all throughout the article, can’t you see?

Moon: Besides Rob skirting around the question of their relationship when it was asked, she wasn’t mentioned. This wasn’t about them- or his love life at all. It was promo for Water For Elephants. That’s all there is to that!

Brookelockart: Well, I was sad to read the article but not upset over my level of fan girl..I’m admire from afar, I don’t know his whereabouts and don’t claim that I know anything about it. That’s fine by me.

UC: Sad!? Really? I don’t understand that- what made you sad?

Brookelockart: The way the article was written made him seem down and out & frustrated with his life. I look at it like when you are stuck in a job that you liked at first but now hate. He’s just over twilight. I can’t blame him. And I know that everything becomes amplified in the interview. And I don’t think he’s on lockdown 24/7, but the tone of the interview was definitely for us to feel a bit bad for him. Clearly he wasn’t on cloud nine feeling the magicness. Maybe he spilled something sticky (NOT THAT) on the bear skin rug that morning. Who knows.

Moon:

Well, I’m usually the type of person to play devil’s advocate. Plus I’m just a glass half-full kind of person: People have off days. I think that the stuff that happens to Rob DOES suck, but the things that are good probably out weigh the bad. And also… we’re reading this as how the WRITER sees it. Ya know how sometimes we see a picture where Rob’s head is down & he looks super sad or scared? When in reality he was just spitting a loogey on the sidewalk? It’s all in your perspective. And without really KNOWING him, we’ll never really know. Unless we break into his email. Which apparently is possible. What do you think the password is

UC: UCANDMOON what else?

Moon: Also… think back to the countless interviews we’ve seen with Rob- and how he comes across in person on camera. He’ll say ANYTHING- and it could be true or false. You can generally tell the difference in a TV interview, but that humor doesn’t always translate to paper. I don’t think he meant he literally CRIED when the elephant was done her scenes. I think he was just describing his emotions- he was sad. He enjoyed his time with her. He loved it!

UC: I actually think that article was less self-deprecating than he usually is. To me he did not seem “depressed” Jaded with it all? Hell yeah. Ready for it to be over. EFF yeah. Exhausted? Sure. But….. it made me remember why I like him: Rob is an artist. And he has the mind of an artist. He’s introspective. He’s interested in art & culture & philosophy. He’d rather have a serious conversation than get f*cked up with friends. THAT is not depression. Can that be considered a depressive nature? Sure. I’m married to someone VERY similar. The difference is… Mr. Choice doesn’t have people screaming at him anytime he does come out of his solitude & wants to have a little fun. But Rob is a loner. Rob would rather be alone. With a book. He’s a bookworm!!

Moon: Exactly! He’s a delicate flower- He feels deeply- He thinks deeply. Everything effects him. And he wants to talk about it. He’s kind of a girl. (If I may be so derogatory.)

UC: You may. This article didn’t make me feel “bad” like some people have said. I don’t think Rob hates his life. I think he hates it when people scream at him, dudes want to beat him up & girls break into his email account. And all the people who feel “bad” about talking about him day in and day out online & obsessing over him shouldn’t feel bad because of THIS article (They should feel bad because the time that WE (yes, I included myself there) spend on him is kinda disgusting) because while they may talk crazy online- I think VERY FEW of them are actually crazy in person- or would be if they saw him. I think THOSE crazy fans who bang on windows & scare the shit out of him don’t sit around on twitter making “Rob Porn.” I don’t know what they do…. but I have a feeling it involves pipes & chemicals in a shed in the backyard….

Moon: Right and if he thinks the majority of Twi fans are that crazy- well that’s sad.. I feel bad.. they’ve got a bum wrap. WE’VE got a bum wrap. Crazies are exception not the rule, but sadly that’s what he thinks is the standard.

UC: So…those are my thoughts…. Rob’s gonna be okay. He’s gonna have dark days. But put him in a room with a pack of American Spirits & a good book & he’s happy. Eventually he’ll be able to go out for a nice dinner. It’ll be years FOR SURE. But it will happen. And he’ll eventually look back on “all this twilight stuff” and be grateful… b/c it got him to where he wants to be in the future- even if he never makes another movie again. While it’s hard to see & believe that’s going to happen, I think he truly believes it.

And there. Proved I actually know Rob. More than he knows himself.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to Shleeeigh who requested this Roblosophy!!!

I know you’ve been talking about it & thinking about it for days, but WHAT DO YOU THINK? Did the article make you feel sad like Brooke? Do you feel like maybe the writer was trying to GET us to feel something that maybe isn’t exactly there like Moon & I do? What do you think Rob’s email password is?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

81 Commented

Used clothing is the Pattinson love language

Dear Rob,

So you showed up to Vancouver & barely looked like yourself. What was up with that “I want my MTV” 80s jacket? We had to take a second to break it down vanity fair style :

The Predicament

Moon: Is this Rob? I’m confused. Who is this Rob-look alike in a whole new wardRobe?
UC: Does this Rob wanna-be have an MTV coat on? An 80s vintage coat?
Moon: New Rob is totally vintage 80s. I love it. It’s like he thought MTV was doing a new round of that show “Wanna be a vj” from the late 90s and this is his audition outfit

Rob “The Predicament” Pattinson

UC: Exactly. Or He’s been watching too much Jersey shore & has really wanted to be invited over for “family dinner” on Sunday so he thought by wearing MTV proudly across his chest Pauly D & The Sitch might recognize him & ask him to join them next summer in Seaside Heights
Moon: He wants to be Rob “The predicament” Pattinson

Trouble on the Home-front

UC: And are those new gray pants?

Moon: yes i think they’re new!! its crazy!! WHO IS THIS MAN?? How did the paparazzi even know who he was? Wearing a sweater with a collared shirt under? He looks so clean I bet the paps couldn’t even follow his stench! Has Claire sent a care package of dick’s old “office outfits?”
UC: Yes. I think she sent SHOE polish too. Because while they look like the old favorites they are mighty clean. Or no- Rob discovered the shoe shiney man at LAX airport! He loves it so much that sometimes he buys an airline ticket for him & TomStu just so they can get through security to have their shoes shined. Then they stop by Au Bon Pain, grab a sandwich to go before heading out. Sometimes they even try out the chairs in Brookstone and rent books at the airport bookstore rental place, returning them the next time they come for a shoe shine
Moon: I like this new Rob.
UC: Me too. Grown up Rob. With Clean(er) shoes.
Moon: And he’s traveling without kristen too… WHAT IS GOIG ON?!!
UC: TROUBLE ON THE HOME FRONT
Moon: Vancouver is like bizarro Baton Rouge/twilight world (Everything is reverse for those not in on the superman lingo.)
UC: Uh, superman dork of the day award.

Rob’s really in love here

Moon:Maybe Rob is like the opposite of everything else. When shit goes bad in a relationship he cleans up, starts shining his shoes, buys new clothes instead of falling apart and looking like a homeless person like every one else when they break up. And Happy in love = Hobo Rob. So clean shiny Rob = single * books ticket to Vancouver *
UC: sad, lonely & looking for a fangirl to F*ck= clean-cut Rob. GET OVER THERE
Moon: I’ll ignore that you called me a fangirl cause I’m on my way to the airport
Moon: I’ll tweet pics of his hotel room whilst he’s in the potty
UC: Please do. And his shirt looks purple.. Gasp! is he wearing a sweater over it? Did you already say that??? Did he join gilt.com? Was HE the one who bought the Marc Jacobs cashmere I was trying to get for Mr. Choice last week?
Moon: hahaha. I think it might be from dick’s “blue phase”
UC: was Dick feeling down then? (Like father like son? While there are problems with Claire, he’s classy & clean cut?) or do you mean he WORE a lot of blue?
Moon: I mean he WORE a lot of blue. Dick probably also made a visit after Rob called them from a NEW cell phone that was actually made in this decade- they got worried
UC: Yep… so not knowing what condition they’d find him in (was their real son beaten to a pulp & left to suffer in a ditch in Baton Rouge, and someone new was pretending to be him?) Dick came with a trash bag full of old clothes. Either for the new guy pretending to be their son. Or Rob… embarrassed, naked & broke, in need of clothes.
Moon: Used clothing is the Pattinson love language
UC: They’re so great. I’m jealous you get to be a part of the family. That’s what you’ll be after you bring Rob a bag of your bros old clothes when you head up to vancity to be the one who gets him out of his clean-cut slump
Moon: I will take him back to dirty hobo in no time. Give me a chance. PUT ME IN COACH!!! I got this!!!

You know we love you in love & as a dirty hobo, but we’re liking this new sad, lonely ready for Moon to make you her lover new-used clothed Rob too! Hell, what are we saying- we just love the fact that we’re SEEING YOU!! Keep it up Vancouver!

Love,
UC & Moon

What do you think of Rob’s new “look?” Think it’s odd for Rob to be in something as forward as an MTV jacket? Think it would be more appropriate for him to wearing something saying “Get off MTV’s Dick?”

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

114 Commented