A “request” letter for Rob Pattinson

Tonight I Broke down the new Breaking Dawn trailer with Moon for LTT so this letter submission is for you today;

Dance floor, in line at your kid’s school.. same difference..

Dear Rob, Every morning I have a routine. I wake up (well obviously I wake up) make breakfast for my kids, get them ready for school, and drive the one hour round trip to drop them off and stop at Starbucks for coffee. I also have the unhealthy habit of 3 cigarettes while drinking my ginormous iced mocha all while reading email and everything else I can do on my extremely overpriced cell phone. (Should we even call them cell phones anymore Rob?? I suppose that is a different subject for another letter) Let me start off by telling you that before I leave the house I also check my phone for this awesome subscription notification from LTR. When I see this I smile and get all giddy for about 10 seconds and savor it because Rob, I get to look forward to reading the latest letter as soon as I start my coffee/smoking tradition (Tradition might be a little overboard, but you get what I’m saying.) It’s important that you understand this is the highlight to my morning. You probably can’t imagine (or actually just don’t care) what a disappointment it is when there isn’t a letter waiting for me to read, lmao at, giggle like a school girl, and scroll thru the photoshopped and/or picspam that so cleverly accompany these letters. This doesn’t destroy my day; however, it certainly doesn’t start it off the same way by any means. Yes, I’m a bit dramatic, but let’s face it; there’s obviously some sort of abnormal obsession that follows all of us who read and write letters that we all “think” you’re looking forward to as well. My point here is this.. What the hell are you doing that is so important other than playing your guitar, writing songs for KStew, making movies, drinking beer, walking Bear, and dressing yourself like an absolute bum for a 5 minute jaunt in public?? Forgive me Rob but this is ass backwards! Now don’t get all offended here, but last time I checked I was one of the bazillion people that made it possible for you fly private jets to award shows, buy ridiculous vehicles that catch on fire, stock up on a lifetime supply of hot pockets, purchase expensive Gibson guitars, grace the covers of reputable magazines, and most of all get PAID 20 million dollars to make a movie. Let’s be honest, you need me (us) as much as we need you. Is that a fair statement? I’m not writing another “Where’s Rob?” letter. I’m writing a “request” letter. Would it be so far fetched to request a little cooperation here Rob? Personally, I don’t care about your adopted dog, Sam picking his wedgie while taking a walk with you (although that was hilarious) seeing a picture of you dressed like a ninja dodging the public eye, your half shaven head, you sporting a God awful 1980’s MTV jacket, your mess of a speech while giving an award (or accepting one for that matter) the cob salads you order at the local grocery, the huge duffle bag you lug around in airports, where you spend your hiatus with KStew, or what Dean is sporting for his wardrobe while guarding your body from EVERYONE. The mere disturbing fact that I DO know all of these things justifies my reasonable request for you to jump in to the celebrity you’ve become with both feet!! I need much much more from you Rob. I need a scandalous public love affair with ANYONE else besides KStew (I mean really Rob? That overhyped relationship with her is obviously not going anywhere.. right??) I need a spreadsheet of snapshots with you on a private island with me.. I mean some other drop dead gorgeous 30 something woman. Preferably one with a couple of kids.. that makes us drool for longer than the .5 seconds of your perfect back muscles in the BD trailer. I need some substance here Rob! You’re a well read young man. I need your personal diary of love, sex, and non trivial feelings made available so that you can live up to the man I’ve created in my head for you to be. (Btw, I’m not THAT ignorant, I understand that you’re still young and may need a little molding. I’m willing to help you with that) I need an oscar worthy performance that takes my breath away and puts Edward on the back burner. You are very capable of this Rob. I’ll admit, I had to force myself to get thru Cosmopolis. It was a ridiculous array of gibberish that required both a thesarus and a dictionary to make sense of. Dellilo is a bizaare author. Of course, I’ll be at the box office on opening day, but my idea of oscar worthy is not 2 hours of you driving in car on the way to get a haircut. Let’s hope I’m wrong, but I seriously doubt it. I need a song that I can understand at least 50% of the words to. I can’t turn my ipod on and clean my house to your music Rob. You have a beautiful talent but it’s more frustrating to walk into my living room to fix a skipping song only to realize that’s just your mumbling. Give me passion! Give me Excitement! I want to FEEL we’re just as appreciated, because you know that you’re VERY appreciated.

Is this your money’s worth?

Here’s what I’m saying, I want my money’s worth. As shallow as that may seem, you get a shitload of my money and I need to prove my husband wrong when he tells me I’m “throwing it away” on a sparkling vampire! (He just doesn’t get it, it’s very frustrating. I don’t have the strength to stay away from you) Jump out of your uncomfortable comfort zone Rob. Your crazy shananigans of wearing a shirt that says “get off my dick” or sporting flip flops with a flannel shirt is just not doing it for me. Dare I say for any of us? Bring back your James Dean hair (it’s fukhawt sexy) join us so we can write letters to you that we cannot wait to share. It will spice up your life, I promise! Let’s have a cup of coffee and a smoke together in the not so distant future. Tomorrow would be good, but I’m willing to wait a few extra days. Actually, you know I’m not going anywhere, I’ll wait as long as it takes.. unfortunately. Humbly waiting, Fragile Human Am I the only one here? Who out there could use more of the not so uhhh normal Rob? Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

37 Responses to “A “request” letter for Rob Pattinson”

  1. The Old One says:

    Well, not to be contrary, but I like Rob for his non-celebrity ways. I think we’re going to get more celebrity Rob, though, in just a little while when the BD promotional tour gets going and then the premiere. Think of the interviews! A new Gucci suit for the the red carpet! What color will it be this time? I’m looking forward to it almost as much as the movie itself.

  2. natteringyeahrobber says:

    I agree that Rob needs to be seen (topless) on a yacht with some 30 something mom of 2…that is, UNTIL this weekend is over. Starting Monday he’ll need to be seen (topless, maybe pantless) on a remote beach with some 40 something mom of two. If he can just wait until Monday to be seen with me (I’ll officially be a cougar on Monday), he’ll get maximum impact.

    I just miss hearing his voice and watching him say odd things during interviews. I know that the whole press junket is coming up, but I’m impatient. Also, San Francisco weather is perfect this time of year, so why the hell is he in London? It’s warm and lovely and there is a huge body of water here for topless yachting too. Get on it Rob, you can say you had affairs with a Puma AND a Cougar and you won’t even need to get out of bed to do so if you time it right. GET ON IT. ROB. HINT.

  3. lovenati says:

    listen, he’s obviously pulling a Leonardo DiCaprio with this boring act that’s as good as a disappearing act so we all forget about him and he can be a real actor like Gary Oldman (that guy’s a fuckin’ magical shape-shifting lizard!). It’s all part of the craft. forget him so he can come back with some sexy fuckin album (hint hint) some indie folky bluesy sex music I can strip to (hint hint) and my boyfriend won’t kill the mood with glitter vampire jokes.

  4. natteringyeahrobber says:

    TOO – I think we are alone now. There doesn’t seem to be anyone around. I think we are alone now. The beating of our hearts (for Rob) is the only sound…

    I WOULD post on LTT if my damned work browswer would let me. FEHK!

  5. niahid says:

    I won’t hold my breath to see Rob making out in real life, the man is very private. As long as he delivered the sex scenes on widescreen , i’m good. If he’d become famewhore or having nervous breakdown, i might just like him less.
    Seeing him in comedy/action/psycho thriller will be a nice change. I’ve filled my dose of drama Rob.
    Here’s hoping he’ll become a great actor, not just one trick pony.

  6. Stacey says:

    OhMyFuckingGawd.
    This is without a doubt one of the best letters to Rob I have ever read. I agree with you 1000%. In fact, if I didn’t know it I would swear I had written that letter (minus the smoking – don’t do that sorry – not judging just don’t do it).
    Yes Rob, dazzle us like we know only you can.

  7. Katycougar says:

    Hit the Nail Right On the Head.

    Dear obviously confused Rob,

    Rob we are saying this for your own good. I can speak from experience on this.

    This is what will happen to you if you don’t:

    When you reach 50 you will have a mid-life crisis and act out what you should be doing now. It will be too late but you will be too blind to realize this. You will be bitter and because of that you will be overweight, balding, and have acid-reflux.
    That will be long forgotten when you see that shiny new sports car you wished you had bought when you were young and hot. Your crazed mind makes you buy it with anyone’s money but your own because you squandered yours on drugs, alcohol and bad investments. This allows you to pick up a brainless 20 year old collagen injected beauty because you claim you are rich; yeah the car helps. That little beauty you picked up calls you “Daddy,” and you think it is because she loves you. You should have checked her family history out. Sorry…………. What a night of failures. It seems as though your acid reflux flares up during a romp in bed and you have a tenancy to fart in your sleep. You also realize that you would rather be her boyfriend than her “Daddy.”
    She sneaks from your bed in the night, after she has cleaned out your wallet and takes your ATM card along with the post-it that has your PIN number on it. You thought you were poor before… You will see her again driving down the road and some other “Daddy’s” Sports car on The 1 in Malibu as you heading to the dealership to try to return said Sport’s Car.

    We care so much about you that we want to see you enjoy your fame. Have some fun. Go where many have gone before you. Call up George Clooney and see what happens when you do it right. That is how you want to age right?

    He went from this: Yeah he looks happy.

    http://tinyurl.com/3zm29h4

    To this: Still happy…………..

    http://tinyurl.com/3r46fkx

    Listen to UC. She cares about you and so do we. Just give us a call or write or drop us an email. We will be more than happy to help you.

    • natteringyeahrobber says:

      1. Very nice cautionary letter to Rob, KC. Hopefully he’ll heed your advice. Best not to have regrets.

      2. Oh my god, I forgot how freakin’ hot George Clooney is. The latter photo is killing me. I loved him in Up in the Air.

    • Elle says:

      LMAO!!! Oooohhhh shit!! This was awesome!!

  8. Katycougar says:

    Only an ex-husband can do stupid things like this. Sorry I spoke from experience in a real way.

    Funny I think my second husband was more experienced than Rob is now and he was 18. What the hell. He enjoyed life and figured out what he liked, instead of just accepting what was handed to him. I remember my Grandmother called it “Sewing your Wild Oats.”

    Rob needs to start sewing before it is too late.

    Thought i might share a photo that is very Robisk of George.

    http://tinyurl.com/3au9upx

    Is that not a thing of beauty?

  9. Beaspoon says:

    Ok…I might get hated on for saying this, but one of the reasons I love Rob is that he just seems so NORMAL. He isn’t out there like some other young(ish) celebs partying and boozing and ODing on drugs and getting DUIs. I’m kind of GLAD that Rob is sort of boring, if he was out being a famewhore I just wouldn’t have the same level of affection that I have for him now. I used to really like Shia LeBeouf, and then he had to go out and get a DUI, which is ridiculous. If you are a famous movie star who has TONS of money, you can’t afford to take a cab if you’ve had too much to drink? Sorry…off on a rant…

    Anyway, I love the letter, and part of me DOES wish that Rob would do something (anything!) exciting these days, but the other part of me loves thinking that maybe he’s just really happy and NORMAL right now. Chillin’ somewhere, microwaving dinner, reading a book, and smoking a ton of cigs, lol.

    PS–I did have an unbelievably f*ckHAWT Rob dream the other night though, oh man, it was soooo good. Rob, Kellan, and pretty much every other gorgeous hollywood celeb I can even think of were all on a college football team together and I was watching them play. It wasn’t even really sexual, but when the alarm woke me up (in my dream it was the buzzer for halftime, lol) I almost cried!!

    • natteringyeahrobber says:

      Yah, I don’t understand rich celebs who end up with DUIs. So irresponsible and stupid. Call a cab, hire a designated driver etc…. How hard is it? Yah, going out on the road drunk and endangering lives – serious turn-off. Ack. However, I do hope Rob finds time to be silly…to sing Tiffany karaoke, to sloppy drunk kiss someone on the beach at night, to take dares and commit random acts of weirdness (like actually showing up at a LTR fan’s house for dinner with a mock apple ritz cracker pie or instant pudding he made himself — “oh hi, got your invite, mind if I join you?”).

  10. Katycougar says:

    Okay Baby’s back and I want to know how I get her job.
    Is she the Official Rob slave that carries his guitar? Where do I go to apply?

    http://tinyurl.com/3h8wjfd

    • natteringyeahrobber says:

      I imagine the interview process to be something like this. Here, hold this but don’t look at Rob even though he’s right next to you. I’d fail.

      • Katycougar says:

        You know i would be fired on my first day. Maybe it would be me tripping and falling in front of Rob………. on purpose of course with the intent of having him fall on top of me. Those long legs of his would step over me as Dean throws himself on me to protect Rob. I would have 2 broken ribs and my ass and pride would be bruised.
        Dean would get up and grab the guitar and look at me and scream. “You are Fired.”
        Sounds like a reality show doesn’t it?
        Rob…………. The Donald
        Dean………… Project Manager Joan Rivers
        Me………… Team member LTR…..”Fired”
        Have I went to far? Yes…. Is it Happy Hour yet?

  11. LatersBaby says:

    I love this letter.
    I have a similar routine–sans kids, but including cigarettes. Don’t judge, I know what a horrible habit it is.

    I think Rob is probably trying to do the best he can while still holding it together. I would feel horrible if he had some sort of breakdown and worry that I might have contributed to it in some small way, simply by being a fan.

    With that said, I sometimes feel like Twilight is playing out in real life here. Rob is Edward Cullen–smart, bored, hidden away, untouchable. In the meantime, we are jumping up and down in the cafeteria waving our hands–‘notice me.’

    We blog and comment; we create and view ‘fan fiction/art/videos.’ Some wait overnight in the freezing cold rain in hopes of a moment with him.

    The Cullens are sparkly two-dimensional, beautiful people. They are celebrities.

    The letter makes a very good point, we helped to create this vampire. Sometimes we don’t want to be your Bella, Rob. We want to be your Carlisle.

  12. 40sumthin says:

    You are hilarious! Love the letter! But maybe he’d like a 40-something mom of 2!

  13. Elle says:

    OMG!!!! My letter was published.. YAY!! I wasn’t expecting it to be so soon but I have to say that is one of the many reasons I love this site. I felt a little guilty sounding so “needy” but hell it’s how I feel. I do adore Rob because of his adorkable awkward ways, and I do find it charming that he keeps his life as private as he possibly can considering his fan base. I just want him to know that there are so many of us that are more than “just fans”. I mean, I dream about this man who is **cough** 11 years my junior.. On a regular basis no less. George Clooney is another huge weakness of mine. Shit, I actually have a chance with that guy.. LOL!! Cheers all!

  14. anti says:

    the reason i am here because i love rob for what he his . why shd i want rob to become poshrob and ride the latest motorcar.?

  15. miapattinson says:

    rob’s casualness, laidback attitude,intelligence and wit are the qualities that endear me the most. he is unique and accept and love him so much
    though i think he needs to really bring back his sexy hair, for his career at least, he needs to be really groomed, brooding and armed with his sexy hair when he makes public appearances or when he did the rest of the twilight.
    sometimes i wish that his manager or director in the other 4 sequels is catherine hardwick, i think she knows better what to do with Rob to make him very delectable to the fans, remember she made sure that his eyebrows were shaved too.
    rob needs to make the fans, esp the new ones to swoon again for his career sake.

    well for me, rob need not have to worry, he is beautiful for me anytime of the day, dirty & all

  16. Sakes says:

    While i understand the need for fans to want Rob to PLEASE DO SOMETHING, WE WANNA SEE YOU AND GAP AND SQUEAL MINDLESSLY AT YOU, its like he’s fallen off the edges of the map, i love the fact that he doesn’t do things publicly, he isn’t in the media every 2 days with some outrageous famewhore act. He does acting as job, and when that job is over, he clocks out and goes about his life with whatever normalcy he can achieve. Personally i dont think half his fans would like him if he were to be all in the media everyday. i like the fact that he’s low key, and i think everyday i wonder what Rob did today? its like a mystery. Rob i’d love for you to do something outrageous so i’d have some entertainment but i as a fan i respect your need for privacy and i actually do prefer that you’re able to do this, to just disappear and have a life. i’ll see you on screen, and in press junkets. that’s my money’s worth, that’s good enough for me <3 <3

  17. Rob's Bitch says:

    Sorry…you lost me at the lack of paragraph breaks… ;>p

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