A “request” letter for Rob Pattinson
Tonight I Broke down the new Breaking Dawn trailer with Moon for LTT so this letter submission is for you today;
Dear Rob, Every morning I have a routine. I wake up (well obviously I wake up) make breakfast for my kids, get them ready for school, and drive the one hour round trip to drop them off and stop at Starbucks for coffee. I also have the unhealthy habit of 3 cigarettes while drinking my ginormous iced mocha all while reading email and everything else I can do on my extremely overpriced cell phone. (Should we even call them cell phones anymore Rob?? I suppose that is a different subject for another letter) Let me start off by telling you that before I leave the house I also check my phone for this awesome subscription notification from LTR. When I see this I smile and get all giddy for about 10 seconds and savor it because Rob, I get to look forward to reading the latest letter as soon as I start my coffee/smoking tradition (Tradition might be a little overboard, but you get what I’m saying.) It’s important that you understand this is the highlight to my morning. You probably can’t imagine (or actually just don’t care) what a disappointment it is when there isn’t a letter waiting for me to read, lmao at, giggle like a school girl, and scroll thru the photoshopped and/or picspam that so cleverly accompany these letters. This doesn’t destroy my day; however, it certainly doesn’t start it off the same way by any means. Yes, I’m a bit dramatic, but let’s face it; there’s obviously some sort of abnormal obsession that follows all of us who read and write letters that we all “think” you’re looking forward to as well. My point here is this.. What the hell are you doing that is so important other than playing your guitar, writing songs for KStew, making movies, drinking beer, walking Bear, and dressing yourself like an absolute bum for a 5 minute jaunt in public?? Forgive me Rob but this is ass backwards! Now don’t get all offended here, but last time I checked I was one of the bazillion people that made it possible for you fly private jets to award shows, buy ridiculous vehicles that catch on fire, stock up on a lifetime supply of hot pockets, purchase expensive Gibson guitars, grace the covers of reputable magazines, and most of all get PAID 20 million dollars to make a movie. Let’s be honest, you need me (us) as much as we need you. Is that a fair statement? I’m not writing another “Where’s Rob?” letter. I’m writing a “request” letter. Would it be so far fetched to request a little cooperation here Rob? Personally, I don’t care about your adopted dog, Sam picking his wedgie while taking a walk with you (although that was hilarious) seeing a picture of you dressed like a ninja dodging the public eye, your half shaven head, you sporting a God awful 1980’s MTV jacket, your mess of a speech while giving an award (or accepting one for that matter) the cob salads you order at the local grocery, the huge duffle bag you lug around in airports, where you spend your hiatus with KStew, or what Dean is sporting for his wardrobe while guarding your body from EVERYONE. The mere disturbing fact that I DO know all of these things justifies my reasonable request for you to jump in to the celebrity you’ve become with both feet!! I need much much more from you Rob. I need a scandalous public love affair with ANYONE else besides KStew (I mean really Rob? That overhyped relationship with her is obviously not going anywhere.. right??) I need a spreadsheet of snapshots with you on a private island with me.. I mean some other drop dead gorgeous 30 something woman. Preferably one with a couple of kids.. that makes us drool for longer than the .5 seconds of your perfect back muscles in the BD trailer. I need some substance here Rob! You’re a well read young man. I need your personal diary of love, sex, and non trivial feelings made available so that you can live up to the man I’ve created in my head for you to be. (Btw, I’m not THAT ignorant, I understand that you’re still young and may need a little molding. I’m willing to help you with that) I need an oscar worthy performance that takes my breath away and puts Edward on the back burner. You are very capable of this Rob. I’ll admit, I had to force myself to get thru Cosmopolis. It was a ridiculous array of gibberish that required both a thesarus and a dictionary to make sense of. Dellilo is a bizaare author. Of course, I’ll be at the box office on opening day, but my idea of oscar worthy is not 2 hours of you driving in car on the way to get a haircut. Let’s hope I’m wrong, but I seriously doubt it. I need a song that I can understand at least 50% of the words to. I can’t turn my ipod on and clean my house to your music Rob. You have a beautiful talent but it’s more frustrating to walk into my living room to fix a skipping song only to realize that’s just your mumbling. Give me passion! Give me Excitement! I want to FEEL we’re just as appreciated, because you know that you’re VERY appreciated.
Here’s what I’m saying, I want my money’s worth. As shallow as that may seem, you get a shitload of my money and I need to prove my husband wrong when he tells me I’m “throwing it away” on a sparkling vampire! (He just doesn’t get it, it’s very frustrating. I don’t have the strength to stay away from you) Jump out of your uncomfortable comfort zone Rob. Your crazy shananigans of wearing a shirt that says “get off my dick” or sporting flip flops with a flannel shirt is just not doing it for me. Dare I say for any of us? Bring back your James Dean hair (it’s fukhawt sexy) join us so we can write letters to you that we cannot wait to share. It will spice up your life, I promise! Let’s have a cup of coffee and a smoke together in the not so distant future. Tomorrow would be good, but I’m willing to wait a few extra days. Actually, you know I’m not going anywhere, I’ll wait as long as it takes.. unfortunately. Humbly waiting, Fragile Human Am I the only one here? Who out there could use more of the not so uhhh normal Rob? Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store