Robert Pattinson was made for Dancing with the Stars

Dear Rob,

Recently the Examiner (purveyors of quality news stories) reported that both you and Kristen Stewart had been approached to join the cast for the next season of TV’s classiest, danciest, glitteriest (that’s a word), most man chesticle baring, A LIST competitive dancing show! Yes, you Robert Pattinson were supposedly asked to be on Dancing with the Stars. Sadly, the Examiner tells us you turned it down, though it’s not certain whether it was a flat denial or you mulled it over a bit. Because clearly, that’s what’s important here: the amount of time it took you to say HALE NO to ABC.

You may have said “when vampire’s DON’T sparkle” I’ll be on that show, but I’m thinking maybe you should reconsider! I mean look at your past dancing record, you’re a force to be reckoned with on the dance floor.

Let’s take a look back at your dance card and see why you need to be on DWTS:

Vanity Fair – West Side Story Photo Shoot

They may have put you in the back, but I really think that’s a height thing and so that wimps like Chris Evans wouldn’t feel inferior to your supreme dancing prowess!

Twilight – Prom scene dance

Dancing in E’s bedroom

Cedric Diggory at the Yule Ball in Harry Potter

(approx min 4:00, 4:37, 5:06, 7:33)
Why Cho Chang ever left you is beyond me. Look at those moves. Maybe DWTS should also ask both the Weasley Twins to join next seasons cast…

Eclipse – Finger snappin’

Look at your natural rhythm, the feel for the music, you have it IN YOU!

More fun after the jump
Continue…

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Your one tragic flaw

wave 'em around like you just don't care!

Dear Rob,

This is a difficult letter to write because I’m discussing one of your flaws (yes, this will hurt similarly to when I made fun of your fugly shoes). I don’t quite have the best words to articulate what I’m feeling, so I’m going to let my friend say what I cannot. She sent 3 of us this e-mail after seeing this picture for the first time:

“He is an adorable dork. That face…oh, dear. And girls…he so cannot dance. I mean, not even if we were standing naked in front of him and said, “Dude–all 4 of us at ONE TIME–if you can break it down” we wouldn’t even be able to get an Electric Slide out of his self.”

Ever since the HQ version of this pic was posted, cries could be heard all over the world with phrases like,”he CANNOT get his groove on.” and “dude cannot dance.” and “WORST dancer ever!” and “This is his one tragic flaw”
a
Robbie? What happened? You’re British! Isn’t dancing like a requirement in order to graduate high school? I thought it ranked right up there after “how many spoons of sugar would the Queen take if she dropped by your home for some tea?” You’re high class! You did MUSICALS. How did this tragedy happen? (And are you wearing a PIECE on your head! Dear Lord!!?)

If you become a C-lister and Dancing w/ the stars comes calling- run the other way. You'll be kicked off week 1- guaranteed

Yesterday wasn’t all tragedy. Moon & I, of course, broke it down Vanity Fair style with two of our fav gals:

Friend #1: Rob is redeemed–look how high off the ground he’s jumping.
Friend #2: Umm…can you imagine Rob as they were instructing him what to do?
UC: he probably listened intently, just in case the Queen showed up
Friend #2: He is probably smoking in that picture where his face is obstructed.
Friend #1: he was shiizzzzzing himself.
Friend #2: That’s why they picked that pic. They couldn’t let the ciggy show.

Friend #1: have you seen the harry potter special features where he talks about having to dance at the ball? he HATES dancing. but dude did this…he knew he better.
UC: dude would LOVE grinding up on me
Friend #2: what about the mattress mambo? that’s sort of a dance

She’s right! The mattress mambo IS a ‘sort-of’ dance. And I bet you’re the Mambo-King!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

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