I’ve been called a hipster eight times this week and as I write this it’s not even Hump Day yet. Granted, four of those times were actually three people agreeing with one person, but whatevs we’re not getting technical here. (OK, maybe it was only five times…) Anyways, I was called a hipster. Part of me felt flattered until I realized that being called a hipster is kind of an insult. So, although I have a pretty sagacious idea of what a hipster is (the terms that come to mind include gentrification, ironic, trust funds, reality check, arts council, Urban Outfitters) I went to Google to find a checklist or survey or something completely frivolous, pointless, and so thirteen-year-old-what-is-my-crush’s-astrological-sign of me. What I found reminded me less of myself and much more of you. So, Rob take a minute and channel your inner girl (we all know Claudia wants to make a brief appearance) and let’s tally this thing up!
1. Checking yourself out in mirrors.
So the checklist says that hipsters can’t help but look at themselves in any reflective surface including MacBook screens, spoons, etc. I don’t see you as vain as this implies, but this picture does comes to mind:
And Kristen says that you spend that backstage time at awards shows locked up in bathrooms, not necessarily doing shots of tequila or her for that matter, but rather fixing those locks of yours (before art got in the way of beauty and there was this thing called Cosmopolis)
2. Being solicitous about your hair.
3. Your clothes either cost you $5 from Goodwill or $70 at American Apparel.
Goodwill was originally designed to gather clothes from rich people, like yourself, who no longer want their items and have them available to the impoverished or homeless, like yourself, at cheap prices. Do you realize you just totally messed up that cycle? Stick to spending those millions on rare concert shirts that look like they could have been purchased at Goodwill but actually made you dig fairly deep into your pockets. Someone’s gotta help out the economy!
As for American Apparel, your better half probably owns every item they have ever mass-produced, so guilty by association perhaps?
4. You listen to obscure music from multiple genres and if you’re white you sometimes identify with TuPac.
I think it’s time to revisit your iTunes playlist from the first Twilight promotional movement. I think you had Terry Reid listed and some old Blues and Jazz players from the ‘70s that I can’t even remember. That’s as hipster as you can get. Just add in some Pitchfork references and you’ve beat out all those other beanie and flannel wearing posers. Not to mention, what was your rap name gonna be again? You talk about it enough that I should remember.
5. You are an individual, your friends are individuals, yet you’re like the plaid Backstreet Boys.
One word: BritPack. Yeah I’m sure TomStu and Sam are pissed that everyone thinks you coordinate. Marcus, Bobby, and Johnny Flynn are more pissed that the Backstreet Boys were even referenced in the same paragraph as themselves. I really don’t think there needs to be any further explanation to this than the evidence below. Oh and by the way guys, sorry that you were once again mentioned in a Rob related web post. We’re still rooting for you to finally break away from the millionaire best friend’s shadow, but until then enjoy your time with Sienna!
6. That’s so mainstream.
Well, you don’t get points for this one Rob. You ARE mainstream. Congratulations. You’re going down in history with other mainstreamers like JT, Ben Affleck, and people from the Bachelor.
So, what’s the final tally Rob? Are you a hipster just like me? I think the checklist points to the affirmative. Are you upset by this news? Well I’m here to console you if you need it, from one hipster to the next.
Because there are no original ideas in the Rob-world anymore, here is the FIRST time we got a letter about Rob being a hipster. What do you think? Can we even DEFINE hipster anymore? Does Rob TOTALLY not qualify because he hasn’t yet grown an EPIC mustache?
THANKS for the letter submissions! I can still use more so KEEP them COMING!