Rob Pattinson in Bel Ami: Why we don’t really care

Dear Rob,

Last week we got an early Christmakuh present in the form of a new Bel Ami Trailer.

Well, it wasn’t exactly a present to us. 

It’s just not that hot

Chicago Friend: how do you feel about the bel ami trailer
UC: is there a new one?
Chicago Friend: i just saw it right now
UC: Oh.. I thought that was the same trailer.. but someone was just really behind in their Rob news. But.. I guess it’s different? slightly different clips? maybe?
Chicago Friend: i mean… it doesn’t look like… a very good movie? like it’s not surprising that it didn’t have distribution w/ hot stars like kristen scott thomas
UC: no… not surprising at all. And yes the trailer IS different. It’s more boring. Like so boring I just stopped watching it. And does it have distribution now?
Chicago Friend: i don’t know if it has it in the US? i mean… i don’t know. for some reason i thought it would be sexier? like, having sex with kristen scott thomas, who s probably like… 55 is not hot. ditto uma thurman. and christina ricci, ehh
UC: hahahahaha. You are SOOO right. I have never been interested in this movie…. and that right there is a perfect reason why. having sex with older woman, while so many of them fantasize about it.. WATCHING it is not hot. and christina looks anorexic. not hot. and it just looks… boring
Chicago Friend: i mean, shirtless rob, ok?
UC: okay but will i pay $11 and drive across the ben franklin bridge to south jersey to see it? probably not. Honestly. I don’t think I’ll see that movie. I’m saying it now
Chicago Friend: will i watch it when it’s on on demand immediately after theater release? maybe.
UC: i mean…. I haven’t even watched The Help yet
Chicago Friend: i haven’t either. that’s on the top of my netflix
UC: or that movie where Justin Timberlake and Mila do it a lot. so if bel ami is out in the spring (i think it might be? so it must have distribution?) and then on DVD in the summer… there’s a good chance it will be far down the list
Chicago Friend: yeah. unless someone’s just like “fine, come over. we’ll watch it.” like my interest in watching it alone is prettttty low
UC: i’d probably be depressed if i did… like really? my life is THIS boring? there are NO new NCIS episodes on demand? So i’m watching bel ami?

I know, I know. So Harsh. But come on, Rob, when have we ever been not honest with you?

I brought Moon in on the conversation a few days later:

Not what I meant

UC: I mean, I’m really trying to come up with some reasons for what would get me into the theater to see this movie. I’d go if I had tickets to the premiere.. or if there were guaranteed nude scene (male scenes- with him.. to clarify in case you thought i meant one of the old dudes)
Moon: Haha you’d go if there were man on man nude scenes?

UC: okay did you watch the bel ami trailer? And how do you FEEL?
Moon: I saw it. Why do i get a super strong Harlequin romacne vibe??? not that we dont all love us some heaving busoms and corset ripping… but is that really your follow up role choice after a blockbuster like twi???
Moon: i was thinking more along the lines of a gangster squad, oceans 11, hurt locker, even crazy stupid love type film
Moon: i mean even just follow the Gos’s footsteps. he’s laid out a solid career path
UC: Chicago Friend and I were talking about how weird it is to see him hook up with these older women. it would be ONE thing if they were all super relevant hot young thangs.. but….. i mean.. it’s kinda weird…watching him get it on with KST
Moon: yea none of them make me all hot and bothered. also i am not a lesbian so this might also play a part
UC: BUT… i like when Ryan gosling hooks up with pretty girls
Moon: but who wants to watch their mom or quirky cousin get it on with rob in period garb?
UC: it’s like… a bad dream
Moon: throw in an emma stone. im down! we ALL know im down for anthing emma stone. FAKE lesbian for her
Moon: like DO THAT rob but dont do aunt kristen scott thomas with a perm. GROSS

UC: I’m not even sure I’m gonna see it. Is that bad?
Moon: i’m more likely to go see ben schwartz perform imrpove before i see this. all that to say im sure ill see it because… hello LTR but its not even water for elephants level for me. i could get ZERO guys to agree to see this with me. even if i promised christina ricci’s big boob
UC: Mr. Choice LOVES KST & uma.. and there is no way he’d see this
Moon: this is why he needs to take my ABOVE career advice
UC: I mean, if there’s a NY premiere I’d probably go there and see what happens. I mean, i COULD run into Larry411 again like the premiere fo Remember Me
Moon: im sure there would be another devil horns photo opp if you went
UC: Why would I pass up the opportunity to give the crazies a little fun? I’d even POSE for them

But if Rob were a gay grandpa….

UC: SIDE NOTE: omg. did you see the video where the guys are gonna become grandpas? I have the Cullen smiles
Moon: awwwwww yes. so hilar and cute. Maybe rob should just be in a full length film about the gay grandpas. THAT would definitely get my butt in the seat
Moon: rob playing a gay, soon to be, grandpa. I mean with teen mom, it isnt far off. give him some salt n pepper hair and viola
UC: yes… I’d see that. I’d also see: Rob with Emma Stone, Rob in an action flick, Where he has to Run.
Moon: HAHAHA i forget action flicks would involve coordination of which rob mildly possesses
UC: Rob playing opposite a big wig like.. Matt Damon
Moon: Yea rob needs to be in a big ensemble cast where he is NOT the lead
UC: right– like Oceans 14
Moon: ive said it 50 times before and ill say it again
UC: something BIG
Moon: do something GREAT as a supporting actor
UC: nothing controversial…. like a biopic or something.. where people have opinions. nothing about history
Moon: THEN we’ll talk about letting you EFF grandmas on screen
UC: prove yourself first before you get that right

A Mustache would get us there

Moon: Is bel ami even getting a wide release??
UC: DOUBT it..
Moon: thank god i live in la and we get like everything but what about a good chunk of robs fans who live in normal places…
UC: I DOUBT it will have the same release as Remember Me. how could it? it hasn’t had the attention that one did.
Moon: WFE has been his best so far (non twi) and that was with BIG stars. I’d love to talk to stephanie, his agent and see what the deal is. i know he says he doesn’t like much and what he does like he DOES. I’m sure they throw EVERYTHING at him
UC: Let’s call them- Stephenie & Nick
Moon: yea we need to get a conference call going cause i dont get it. i know stephanie can’t MAKE him do anthing but some gentle (harsh) prodding would HELP
UC: Right… slipping a hot pocket under the script she really likes
Moon: YES positive reenforcement! Her and nick tag teaming could have gotten him in gangster squad as some cop at least
UC: taking him to Norm’s rare guitars and THEN handing him the script. Ooh- I just envisioned Rob with a moustache as a cop.
Moon: Ew!! i just saw him doing UMA and Kristin i cant add a stache to that image
UC: Oh I can. give me a minute.

UC: So that’s it? We’d for sure see Rob in a movie where he’s sporting a ‘stache?
Moon: I guess so….!

Sorry Rob, but take our advice and we’re THERE!

UC & Moon

I know FOR SURE we’re not alone in feeling soooo blah about this movie. And I know some of you cannot WAIT to see Rob in Bel Ami. Sound off in the comments! Are you on Team Bel Ami or Team “Keep Rob away from ladies with perms?”

Addendum: Moon just had an epiphany: Kristin Scott Thomas with a perm in Bel Ami= DEBBERT. That is EXACTLY how she imagined Debbert to look- with a perm & mousy brown hair. That’s why the trailer is so popular! So many Bel Ami fans are also fans of Debbert’s famed “Ello Love”

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