Debbert- A story of True Love
Today’s LTR is going to be a bit different. You see last week I was forwarded a Rob Pattinson fan fiction. You heard that right. Rob Pattinson. It was written by Debbie- a story about the love between her and Rob. Moon & I discussed how we needed to present this. Should we do a dramatic reading? What if we wrote a screenplay & made a film? But then we were sent a break-down that our friends Amber & LiLI (from Shack of Soul) did one day instead of working. And after we stopped working to read, and cried and laughed and cried some more, we decided we couldn’t keep this to ourselves. This is long. There are no pictures. This is very unedited and there are timestamps. But This is WORTH EVERY MINUTE you will spend reading it.
Sadly, the fic has now disappeared or been locked up (It was originally found here) but it started out with pictures (pictures of what seem to be the actual people the fic characters are based on) of Debbie, her bff & family, her mom & step dad, Ken, her priest (I think) The Band Strypr. It makes sense when you read the break down. Sorta. And the first time Debbie & Rob get errr sexual she describes wearing a “beige bra.” So if you ever hear us tweeting/making reference to a beige bra (or if I text you a picture of my own) that’s where the joke comes from.
In case you don’t have time read it all (but seriously- YOU NEED TO) here are the “chapters” of the break-down you can scroll through to get a taste. You won’t be sorry. Well, unless this is really you, Rob, reading this. Then you’ll probably be sorry.
But since you’re going to listen to me and read the entire thing, you can do that after the jump!
10:47 AM LiLi: OHMYGAWDPLEASECOMEBACK
Amber: sorry bleh what’s up!!
LiLi: i know you are busy but um 10:48 AM i just skipped ahead and read a PG-13 chap of that fic omg i just threw up in my mouth
Amber: LMAO shut up ewwwwww it must have been REALLY bad then
10:49 AM LiLi: “That night, I have a dream of Robert. In my dream, I’m massaging his back, just as I did earlier, but in my dream, instead of just kissing my hand, he pulls me into his embrace, kisses me passionately, and we make love. ”
Amber: oooo score debbie
LiLi: OMG 10:50 AM please read this part: “Before we check out of the hotel on Monday morning, he gives me a small business card with his name, address, home phone, cell phone number and e-mail address on it, and says “Here. Take this . . . and I want you to promise me you’ll use it. Keep in touch with me.” ” um. Ron would SOOOO NOT have a business card with ALL his personal info. omg. i LOVE it. 10:51 AM Robert Pattinson, Actor (available for Open Mic nights though) email@example.com
10:53 AM Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! shut up 10:54 AM i can’t even FATHOM business cards for ron
LiLi: do you think he has MOO cards?
Amber: he’d get all nervous and probs drop them all over a read carpet
LiLi: with different pics of london?
Amber: nah, with creepy manips on the back
LiLi: maybe one with his dog
10:55 AM now she’s telling him about her dad dying of brain cancer
Amber: maybe i SHOULD read this
LiLi: and then her own condition of Hydrocephalus omg wait. “Pausing for a moment, I’m unsure of how to continue. How do I explain to him about Dad? I already know that losing a parent is one of his greatest fears . . . so how can I tell him that I’ve already experienced that fear firsthand?”
10:56 AM Amber: what kind of crazy plot gets to THIS?
LiLi: they’ve been chatting on the phone EVERYDAY for 2weeks since the TwiCon. duh and of course, they find that they can tell each other EVERYTHING without fear of judgement
Amber: p.s. i love the idea of ron falling in love with someone at twicon
Amber: debbie is just living the dream
10:57 AM LiLi: SHUTTHEFRONTDOOROMGTHEREISAPHONESMEXSCENE
Amber: no 10:58 AM No NO!
LiLi: YES OMGYES MY EYES…MY EYES
10:59 AM LiLi: he’s drunk and she’s worried about him so she’s trying to talk about anything to get him to sober up omg this.is.GENUIS
LiLi: “”The buttons on the front of your nightshirt,” he murmured, “Undo one for me.”
“Yes,” I whispered. As I popped open the first button, he murmurs, “Another one. Just imagine my hands are on the buttons. Keep going . . . one button at a time.””
Amber: ack!! no 11:02 AM i can’t unsee that
LiLi: LMFAO then um you are REALLY going to hate me: “until I’m running my tongue up and down where I’m dying to be.”
Amber: i don’t know whether to laugh or cry 11:03 AM i’ll laugh wow
LiLi: BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GAWD THIS WINSSSSSSSSSSSS wait for it…..
LiLi: “Over the phone, I hear him quietly moaning, his moans gradually becoming louder. Ohhhh, God . . .
There’s a long pause, and then he murmurs, “Debbie . . . Oh, love . . . I love you . . . Love you so much.”
And then, surprisingly, there’s complete silence.
As I release my fingers to reach both my hands back up to the phone receiver and say “Rob? Rob? Are you still there?” . . .
. . . My question is answered by the sound of him quietly snoring. 11:04 AM HE FELL ASLEEP RIGHT AFTER!!!!!!!!!! just like a man
Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ron is no cuddler
LiLi: he’s a hit it and quit it kind of guy omg BRILL bravo debbie for keepin it real
11:05 AM Amber: yes her realism is EPIC
LiLi: ““Rob, I have something I need to tell you . . . I have to go into the hospital. I’m going to have brain surgery again. I just found out today. I just didn’t want to say anything to you until I knew for sure.”
“You’re going to have what?!” he asks me incredulously. ”
11:06 AM Amber: what is with the surgery? no seriously
LiLi: right? wait Ron is PISSED He pauses for a moment and then he says, “I’m coming out there to see you, to be with you for the surgery. I just have a really bad feeling about this. I need to be there with you.”
“But. . .” I start to say, as I’m suddenly cut off with
“No ‘buts’ . . . no arguments . . . I’m coming out there. I need to be there. Period. That’s it. End of discussion.”
Amber: when i write smexy stories of me and ron, everything is rainbows and butterflies 11:07 AM oh pissy ron is hot ron uh c’mon debbie who else would you want wake up to after surgery? pfft
11:08 AM LiLi: oh NO DEBBIE! ““Honey, the doctors found a brain tumor. It’s the same kind your dad had . . .”
Instantly I know . . . Glioblastoma multiforme, a stage IV astrocytoma, one of the most deadly kinds of terminal cancer . . . so I most likely have anywhere from six to 12 months to live, as much as 18 if I’m really lucky . . . If you can call that “luck.” don’t DIE on us Debbit. Debbie FOCUS ON RON’S LOVE FOR YOU! 11:09 AM use that a your becon in these dark desparate times! something to fight for– LOVE! our greatest weapon!
Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! 11:10 AM i bet 6-12 months to live sex is PHENOMENAL though
Amber: i’m sure debbie will let us know that is true
LiLi: OH 11:11 AM OH MY Debbie is a marytr “You shouldn’t want to spend so much time with me. You have your career to go back to, and I know you can’t just put that on hold indefinitely. You need to go and find someone young and beautiful . . . and healthy . . . to spend your time with . . . someone who is going to live a long, happy life with you . . .” . . . any and every reason I can think of that he should not want to stay with me and waste his life on a woman who has no chance of having a long life with him. Then I continue, “Besides, you know I told you that I already couldn’t conceive children after having that NovaSure procedure done in 2009, even before we first met. I’d only had that procedure done back then because I’d been having horrendous menstrual cycles and, at the time, I was already 40 years old, still single, with no prospects for getting married. I really was past the point of even wanting to have children myself at that point, so I decided to have it done. Soon I’ll be going through just one form of chemo, and I’m sure I’ll have some kind of radiation or more chemo after this. If you ever wanted to have children someday, I’d never be able to give them to you. You know that.”
11:12 AM Amber: stop do NOT talk about menstrual cycles
11:13 AM LiLi: “We have some “date nights” at home, where we play board games like Trivial Pursuit, or card games like Uno.” Ron: “UNO BITCH!”
Amber: i keep waiting for debbie to turn this into a robsten fic she’s the martyr so robsten can LIVE
11:14 AM LiLi: LMAO “He laughs and replies softly “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m kidnapping you to take you to a nice restaurant, to ply you with some of your favorite Chinese food now so I can try to have my way with you later.” pfft. chinese food. the ULTIMATE aphrodisiac 11:15 AM omg this is it the moment i have been waiting for
11:16 AM “I pull my scrunchie out of my hair” omg OF COURSE YOU USE A SCRUNCHIE DEB! i would expect NO LESS
LiLi: please wait for this gold
Amber: better then the scrunchie??
LiLi: OH YEAH. 11:38 AM “then lower still, in between my breasts and down toward my stomach, then moving lower still toward the place where, when he touches me, his fingers gently probing into my hot, moist depths, he finds out to his surprise that he’s my “first.”
When he discovers this, he stops, jerks back as if stung, looks at me, eyes wide in surprise, and stammers “But . . . you . . . on the phone . . . a couple weeks ago . . . I thought . . . . I mean, I guess I just assumed . . . that you would’ve at least had some experience, especially by now. And, because you were getting so upset just now, I just thought maybe you’d had a bad experience with a previous boyfriend at some point . . . maybe you were with someone who treated you badly . . . made you feel like you were ugly . . .” ” 11:39 AM there’s MORE…i will wait for you to read that
Amber: oh My there are no words
LiLi: i love that he tells her all that mid “finger” but here’s the best part: not that she’s a V. 11:41 AM she can’t decide whether or not to tell him, mid love making session mind you, about her almost sorta ex-boyfriend David and how he dumped her with no warning and left her feeling very unbeautiful just WAIT FOR THIS
Amber: wait what 11:42 AM waiting
LiLi: she had an ex-bf sorta he dumped her after their first date
Amber: but she is having this inner monolgue WITH the finger still there?
LiLi: and she is deciding in her mind whether or not to tell ROn this while they are naked YES!
Amber: cause no debbie, no
LiLi: here’s the absolute BEST part 11:43 AM they way she describes her ex “Reaching his hand up to caress my cheek, guiding me to look at him again, he looks deeply into my eyes and says, “Tell me . . . what happened?” After I tell Robert all about David . . . about how we met at work while I worked as a canvasser for Kirby vacuums and he was a salesman on my crew”
Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! canvasser for Kirby. oh debbie
LiLi: EXACLTY. OMG WINNNNN FOREVER AND EVER
11:44 AM Amber: well, since debbie is a v, i’ll give her this tip- never talk about vacuums while doing the deed
LiLi: lol. “He looks at me with a tenderness that just makes me shiver and then, his hands softly caressing my arms, he says softly “I want you to know that you’re giving me a very precious gift tonight. I’m honored that I’m your first, but . . . I just still can’t understand why some other guy hasn’t come along to love you the way you need to be loved . . . the way you deserve to be loved. I just can’t believe that I’m . . . that I’m your first real love.” 11:47 AM no NO NO MA’AM RON HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!
11:48 AM LiLi: here’s Ron before the deed,””Debbie, I’m going to be gentle, I promise. But this is your first time, so . . . I know that this might hurt you a little. I . . . I just don’t want to hurt you, love . . .”
Amber: oh, so sweet
LiLi: uh 11:49 AM and this is Ron DURING THE DEED: hello selfish bastard “I feel a feather soft kiss up high against my cheek, near my ear, then I hear him whisper “love you so much” and he softly kisses me right at my jaw line, and then he whispers, “don’t want to hurt you,” as he kisses me one final time, on my neck. Then he leans his hips back, and, as I open my eyes to look up at him once again, with one quick thrust and just a brief flash of pain he’s completely inside me, filling me so perfectly it’s as if we were made for each other. ” COME ON NOW RON. you can’t just SHOVE THAT SHIZZ IN THERE. RUDE
11:50 AM Amber: whoa, whoa, whoa. take it easy ron. damn
LiLi: exactly. what happened to GENTLE
Amber: i’m gonna be gentle… BAM! he ripped that bandaid off 11:51 AM was there any foreplay? cause 1st timers need some extra loving
LiLi: or at least some lube. dang ron srsly i think Deb is a real V. 11:52 AM cause this shizz don’t make sense although i could be doing it wrong
Amber: i’m leaning towards option 1. i mean really, can a guy TELL you are a v with a finger?
Amber: i mean, i may be doing it wrong too but i doubt it
11:53 AM LiLi: if you haven’t lost your hymen before 41 then girl wtf have you been doing? have you never climbed a tree?
LiLi: or done the splits?
Amber: OMG i am DYING
11:54 AM LiLi: ooooo. they discuss twilight: “He just gives me that adorable “Edward Cullen” smile, looking at me so much like the way Edward looked at Bella in the scene in Edward’s bedroom in “Twilight” when Edward tells Bella “You really shouldn’t have said that” . . . which he knows just happens to be one of my favorite scenes from that movie.” i mean, he obviously HAS TO ASK HER WHAT HER FAVE SCENE IS. DUH
11:55 AM Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
LiLi: SHUTUPOMGNOSHEDIDNT “I look into his eyes, smiling and saying playfully “Can ‘Little Spunky’ come out to play?” He looks at me, passion burning in his eyes, kisses me quick and hard on the mouth, then stands up, quickly takes off his underwear and climbs into the tub with me, as I reach my arms up to wrap them around him and pull him toward me. ”
11:56 AM Amber: oooooo! tub sex! when you give it away debbie YOU GIVE IT AWAY!
11:57 AM LiLi: BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH “all I can do is gasp “Stars . . . I see stars.”
Amber: she hit her head on the faucet??
LiLi: LMFAO. duh Ron’s love facuet
11:58 AM Amber: hahahahahahahahaha i’d see stars too
LiLi: SHUTUP. he buys her chocolate body paint. BARF– everyone’s fantasy xmas. “He’s lying on the floor in front of my Christmas tree, an afghan spread out underneath him, lying on his side, his head propped up casually on his arm, smiling at me . . . wearing nothing but a Santa hat on his head, a wide red gift ribbon wrapped all around him, and a large, strategically placed red bow.” 12:04 PM oh wait. that wasn’t the fantasy. i should have read farther. THIS is the ultimate: “This first gift I open turns out to be multiple gifts in one . . . because he’s given me DVDs of “The Bad Mother’s Handbook,” “How To Be,” “Little Ashes,” “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,” “Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King,” “Vanity Fair,” “The Haunted Airman” and “The Summer House,” and, of course, “Remember Me” and “Eclipse” . . .all of his movies that I did not yet have on DVD.” BWAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
Amber: pfft. debbie don’t play. 12:05 PM we KNOW you already had them all
1:03 PM LiLi: you there? cause i have a very big tip if you want to stalk Ron
1:05 PM Amber: YES
LiLi: well 1:06 PM he apparently stays at the Homewood Suites when on the road at least according to Deb
Amber: shut. up. that ron
Amber: he is no hotel snob
LiLi: he’s thrifty and wants a kitchenette for his hot pockets DUH
Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! 1:07 PM of course why did i never think of that!
LiLi: well, there’s no time for any more laughter. the cancer is back and it’s growing 🙁 ron is beside himself with how selfish he’s been
1:08 PM Amber: too busy buying chocolate body paint when he should have been cuddling debbie. sad
LiLi: YES bastard AND he listened to his publicist who told him to HIDE THEIR LOVE!
1:09 PM Amber: damn that nick and stephanie
1:10 PM LiLi: damn her family for making them think they wouldn’t understand their love that’s what’s been holding them back “Suddenly moving to sit next to me again, holding my hands in his and looking into my eyes, tears well up in his eyes again as he continues, “I decided, right then and there, in that moment, that both our families need to know the truth, and they need to know it now. We might not have another chance.”
Then he just wraps his arms around me and holds me close and I tell him, “We’ll tell my family tomorrow. Then we can talk to your family. It’ll be alright . . . it just has to be.” ” 1:11 PM i mean, i don’t know about your mom…but mine would be PISSED if i found an englishmen to paint my body with chocolate while i had cancer
Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! nah 1:12 PM my mom’d be like hit that while you can. i kid. sort of
LiLi: well, no worries. debbie’s mom is TOTES supportive
LiLi: ““Thank you. Thank you for loving my daughter and for having the courage to stand by her side for all these months. I’m just sorry you both thought that I wouldn’t approve . . . It’s clear to me how much you care for Debbie, and I know you’ve clearly stuck by her side for all these months, even with everything she’s been through, so how could I not approve?”
Amber: she just so happy her 42 yr old daughter isn’t going to die a virgin. 1:13 PM LiLi: i would be like, hold up there mom. don’t be so quick to accept. did you know that Spunky over there shoved his lovestick in there with no warning HER VERY FIRST TIME
Amber: LMFAO! omg momma no approve of THAT
1:14 PM LiLi: exactly. i mean she has BRAIN CANCER and he’s just shoving it in willy nilly HOLD THE PHONE their telling Ron’s family and…. wait for it….
Amber: what will dick say?? 1:15 PM eep!
LiLi: Sam. Marcus and Bobby
Amber: SHUT. UP. gah i was hoping they’d make a guest appearance! dreams do come true
LiLi: BUT AMBER 1:16 PM they HAVE TO KNOW all FACETS of Deb. how could they approve not knowing EVERYTHING “We have a chance to talk to his father, his mother, and his two sisters, Lizzie and Victoria . . . and also Robert’s childhood best friend, Tom Sturridge, who’s like a brother to Rob, and his close friends Sam Bradley, Marcus Foster and Bobby Long . . . and they all treat me like a member of their family right away. After continuing our conversation for a while, telling Rob’s family all about my love of reading, my bachelor’s degree in English, my love of movies and music and theater, and my experiences performing in musical theater productions in high school”
Amber: hey! i too have experiences in musical theater in high school 1:17 PM i can win rob and his whole family over. i’ll have to get the VHS of my role as parent #2 in Bye Bye Birdie
Amber: me and debbie, we might as well be the same person, well, except for the virgin thing 1:18 PM and the 80s hair
1:19 PM LiLi: STFU. we’re at Valentines now
Amber: damn they are ROLLING through the year
LiLi: he bought her a necklace….so passe she bought him claddagh rings 1:20 PM and uh….
Amber: i was hoping it be a ring with rob engraved on it
LiLi: he didn’t know what they were UH PLEASE
Amber: oh OF COURSE
LiLi: he’s FROM ENGLAND YOU TWAT
Amber: debbie is such a claddagh ring giver BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
1:21 PM LiLi: ” Traditionally, you wear the ring on your right hand when you’re single; if the point of the heart is facing outward, you’re single and available, if it’s facing inward you’re single but seeing someone. When you wear the ring on your left hand, facing out means you’re either engaged or just about to reach the point of getting married, facing in means you’re married.” Rob says, “Wow . . . that’s really sweet. What a wonderful gift. Let me try mine on.”
LiLi: WAIT FOR IT. YOU KNOW WHATS COMING
Amber: i see where this is going!
1:22 PM LiLi: “As we put our rings on, I look over at his hand and note that, as I’ve put my ring on my right hand, facing inward, Rob put his on his left hand, facing outward. “Rob . . .” I whisper, “Your ring’s on the wrong hand.”
Looking at me and smiling, he kisses me and he says, “No it’s not. I like it right where it is, and I’m not moving it.” Then he reaches over toward my hand, sliding my ring off my finger to put it on my left hand and turning my ring around in the same direction as his, saying, “There . . . that’s better,” giving me another soft, tender kiss on the lips.” is it everything you imagined it would be?
Amber: oh yes!! but uh ron doesn’t need to cheap out– you still have to get the engagement ring dood and get down one knee get with it!!
LiLi: OMG 1:23 PM I TOTES FORGOT to tell you that the first time they, uh, come together as God Intended
Amber: God never intended this
LiLi: she has SELENA playing in the background!! SELENA
Amber: oh debbie
1:24 PM LiLi: mexican tejano SELENA. ohmySTARS. oh RON he’s missing his premieres to be with Deb ::tear::
1:25 PM Amber: damn ron you gotta work. make that bread so you can buy girlfriend a real ring yo
1:26 PM LiLi: LMAO pfft RON IS IN LURVE! “When he doesn’t show up at the “Breaking Dawn-Part II” premiere the next day, it causes all kinds of speculation in the media as to why he’s suddenly so reclusive and unwilling to promote this film. “You see . . . I knew this would happen,” I say as I see a report on “Entertainment Tonight” the day after the premiere, where they’re talking about “Robert Pattinson’s conspicuous absence from the premiere . . . Rob seems to have become more reclusive lately . . . he shows no interest in promoting this film . . .”
“I don’t care about all that,” he insists. “Being here with you is more important to me than a film premiere.””
see!! deb knows what’s up
1:27 PM Amber: oh deb! you know summit has gps on him. they will find him
LiLi: oh noes. DEB. her hair just fell out in front of Ron. she’s so strong: ““I just went through the same experience that my father did. I think that’s a big part of the reason why I reacted the way that I did to seeing my hair falling out. It’s not that I’m upset about losing my hair. I’m not vain like that. You know I’m not. I’ve been through enough surgeries before now and lost my hair enough times, and I know that I could just as easily wear one of my Harley do-rags on my head if I really want to cover up my head. It’s just . . . It’s like déjà vu all over again, only this time I’m the one going through all of this, not Dad.” ”
1:29 PM and Ron is soooo supportive. as usual: “And do you know what? I think do-rags are kinda sexy.” i mean, i figure i just need to shave my head, pop on a do rag and then start patrolling all the homewood suites. and then, one day, i too, can live the Debbie Dream
1:31 PM Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YES!
1:32 PM LiLi: i am crying. they just got engaged. FINALLY. i mean, he’s loved her for so long. from that first phone smex
1:33 PM Amber: YAY! i am so happy. 1:34 PM i knew from the first button popping that these crazy kids would make it
LiLi: not only did Ron tell the ENTIRE twilight cast of his pending nuptials…. but they already selected their wedding party 1:43 PM AND Ron is meeting Father Frank
Amber: lmao! who is in the wedding party? on ron’s side? i MUST know!
LiLi: pfft DUH: Sam, Marcus, Bobby, Tom
Amber: dang i was hoping she’d throw a twist
1:44 PM LiLi: well
Amber: ah but who is the best man?
LiLi: she IS having Victoria and Lizzie in her party
1:45 PM LiLi: SHUTUP the twi cast…ALL of them – are at the rehearsal dinner 1:46 PM and Stewie is making her move
Amber: hahahahahaha ooooooo YES!
LiLi: “Then Rob officially introduces me to Kristen, Peter, Jackson, Kellan, Ashley, Taylor, and the rest of the Twilight cast . . . some of whom I’ve never had a chance to talk to yet, and a couple of whom I’ve only been able to talk to once over the phone when he called each of them to tell them about our wedding. Kristen smiles at both of us then gives me a big hug, saying “I’m just so thrilled for both of you. And you’ve made Rob so happy. Hey, can we steal your hubby away for just a minute . . . just wanted to talk to him . . .”
“Sure,” I reply, and then I tease her “But don’t take him away for too long. I’ll be watching you . . . just be sure y’all bring him back over here soon.”
Kristen just smiles at me and laughs, saying “We will . . . I promise,” then they turn around and Rob wraps an arm around her shoulder as she wraps her arm around his waist and they all walk off together toward the other side of the room and I just watch them as they all sit together, talking happily and laughing together, everyone joining in, too, just like one big “Twilight family reunion.”
Amber: this is what i’v ebeen waiting for
LiLi: see!?!?! i KNEW robsten was a sham 1:47 PM Debbert all the way!!!!
Amber: did they go in the corner and make out a little too cause that would confirm it! Robsten = SHAM! DEBBERT FOREVER!
LiLi: well, there was a bearskin rug just laying there randomly they can’t help themselves when presented with faux bear hair
1:48 PM Amber: hahahahaha!
LiLi: oh. WAIT A MINUTE 1:49 PM the guys AREN”T his groomsmen
Amber: oh hell na sam would NOT be having that
LiLi: ” His best friend Tom Sturridge, as well as Peter Facinelli, Kellan Lutz, and Jackson Rathbone . . . they are all going to stand up with him” WHA????
Amber: c’mon deb C’MON!!! 1:50 PM i was kinda hoping she’d replace bobby but all of them oh no sam is going throw a bitch fit outside . i just know it
LiLi: well. he missed the flight that sam
Amber: don’t make him take off his earrings
1:51 PM LiLi: AH. this is were strypr comes in OBVI “Sonia and Shalyn are my flower girls, and they’re wearing the most adorable black velvet dresses with black and gold striped satin skirts, carrying black wicker flower baskets that are also decorated with black and yellow ribbons. Not exactly a Purdue wedding like Mom’s to Ken, I think to myself with a smile, Mine’s more like a Stryper wedding.”
1:52 PM Amber: and there ya go! dood i am sad that renesmee isn’t the flower girl
Amber: that is MESSED. UP.
LiLi: SHE.GOES.THROUGH.THE.WHOLE.CEREMONY!!! EVEN THE PRAYERS
Amber: no no way
Amber: she wrote out the script
LiLi: YES WAY!!! YES
1:53 PM Amber: debbie is ready to marry ron tomorrow fo realz ! way to be prepared!
LiLi: OMG. deb’s friends are soooo sweet! they all chipped in to have Strypr PLAY AT THE RECEPTION. 1:54 PM oh shit
Amber: SHUT. UP.
LiLi: and now Strypr has a suprise for Deb. they flew in THEIR WHOLE FAMILIES FOR THE RECEPTION (cause that makes sense) i mean, even Nana Maxine is there 1:56 PM SHUTUP TOM TELLS THE CROWD ABOUT THEM MEETING AT TWICON IN HIS WEDDING TOAST
Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! yeah, uh tom . let’s keep that on the dl. or peeps will think debbie is cray cray (oh. wait.)
1:58 PM LiLi: LMFAO exactly dood i’ve moved on to the wedding night and she’s got Michael W Smith playing for their first time as hubs and wifey #DUH
1:59 PM Amber: i have no idea who that is
Amber: but i’m sure it is nothing short of amazing
LiLi: he’s a christian pop singer
Amber: awwwww 2:00 PM nothing says lets get it on like christian pop
LiLi: SHUTUP NO NOOOOOOOOO NO SIR RON ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT??? WITH CHRISTIAN MUSIC ON???
2:01 PM “Close your eyes, love,” he murmurs against my ear. As I close my eyes, I feel him gently pulling my arms above my head, then fastening them together with a . . . a . . .
Oh, my God . . . is that a rope?!”
Amber: SHUT.UP! i thought he was heading to no mans land but this is even BETTER
2:02 PM LiLi: LOL dood again with the quick thrusting dang ron take it easy
2:03 PM Amber: he’s a hit and quit it remember 2:04 PM he doesn’t know better
LiLi: not at all
Amber: and she’s a virgin that can’t teach sad for her
LiLi: you would think he would know by now
well, they are on their way to Jamaica. and the airplane pressure is too much for her brain cancer 2:05 PM she’s being a trooper though
Amber: cause you know the best thing for brain cancer is to get on a plane smart girl
2:06 PM LiLi: and get tied up on your honeymoon. dood i don’t buy this
Amber: he’s gonna pound that cancer right out of her
LiLi: BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA. OMFG WIN 2:07 PM like i am supposed to believe that Mr. Homewood Suites would pitch for the honeymoon suite at a luxurious hotel in Jamaica
Amber: maybe that’s why he chose homewood. so he could save up. come on now. only the best for his debbers
2:08 PM LiLi: LMFAO ooooo they are living it up at the Hard Rock Cafe- Jamaica. 2:09 PM i bet he bought her a shirt too
2:12 PM OMG. he’s done it! they are back in LA. he’s holding a “i’m in love” press conference. 2:13 PM “Rob decides to do a TV interview, the morning of the premiere of the movie. As I sit at home, watching the interview, he says, “I want to make an announcement to the media, regarding the rumors published about me recently,” and then he says, “Yes, I am in love. I am in love with someone who is not in the entertainment industry, and that’s why I wanted to keep our relationship private in the beginning. We are in love . . .” then he pauses for a moment, holding up his left hand to show off his gold and platinum wedding band, and he adds, “and we were recently married.”
Amber: did he start jumping on the couch ala tom cruise?? 2:15 PM LiLi: OH better 2:16 PM he’s asking for the media’s compassion during this difficult time: ““But there is another reason why I’ve kept our relationship a secret up until this point. We also know now that my wife has cancer . . . a very serious . . . terminal . . . form of brain cancer . . . and we just don’t know how much time we have left together. Please, if any of you in the media have any compassion whatsoever, please just allow us our privacy at this time when we so desperately need it. And, when we are in public together, please respect my wife’s wishes to just be with me without intruding on our private life together from this point forward. Our time together is precious to both of us, and our private life is going to remain just that . . . private, not public. Thank you.”
2:17 PM Amber: and all the papz listened. cause obvs they have hearts
LiLi: uhoh debs getting used to married life. and she’s in a right state: “Moving his shirts out of the way to look below them on the shelf, I see . . . two days’ worth of dirty laundry, rolled up in little balls and stuffed on the shelf in the closet!
Oh, my God . . . I’ve married my father! I think to myself Now I know how Mom felt every time Dad did this!
Standing in place in the closet, I close my eyes, my fists clenched at my side, and I holler “ROBERT THOMAS PATTINSON! GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!! WE NEED TO TALK!!”
2:20 PM Amber: yep. poor debs. the honeymoon is over. and you just realized men are disgusting. esp the one you married. dauh
LiLi: LOL. oh
Amber: you know he doesn’t shower
LiLi: now they are in London at the Princess Di memorial 2:21 PM naturally. this has made Deb VERY emotional. so of course, the only thing to do is to join the mile high club on the flight home gawd. i wish i was making this shit up
Amber: i wish you were too 2:22 PM cause as funny as it is. it’s also so very, very sad
LiLi: srsly. cause wouldn’t. you know it….the cancer is back. with a “vengence” 2:23 PM oh noes. Debbie!! she’s in hospice. she can no longer walk or talk
Amber: no debbie. NO!!!!
LiLi: but he still carries her to the bathtub so they can be close
2:24 PM Amber: close or “close”. cause. ewwwwwww
LiLi: LOL. close
LiLi: not as god intended. oh NO: Chapter 33: My Last Day With Rob
2:25 PM Amber: SAD!!! I WANT MY HEA!
LiLi: even her cats know it’s the end
Amber: of course she has cats. of course
2:26 PM LiLi: and….she’s gone to Melissa Ethridge playing in the background of course
Amber: poor ron. of course. 2:28 PM don’t cry lili. i know it hurts. it will get better. with time. debbie would want us all to move on
2:32 PM LiLi: LOL. she would want that. 2:33 PM i know she would. of course
she left us with the BEST GIFT OF ALL
Amber: hurt and vulnerable ron?
LiLi: Chapter 34: The day of my funeral, from Rob’s perspective
Amber: YAY!!!! RPOV!!! FTW!
2:34 PM LiLi: omg sensitive Ron: “his first thought is . . . This is the third morning I’m waking up without my love next to me . . . It’s been three days . . . Looking over at the clock and noting that it is now 8 AM, he looks at the photo just behind the clock on the nightstand, a wedding portrait, touching the picture lightly, and he thinks Three days, 12 hours and 15 minutes . . . Rolling over toward the other side of the bed, caressing the pillow, he thinks, That’s how long I’ve been without you, love.”
Amber: i love how she still sets him up. his first thought is…
2:35 PM LiLi: LOL. right??? awww
Amber: debs is psychic beyond the grave
LiLi: Mama Claire. she’s there for her son. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 2:36 PM NO 2:37 PM STFUNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Ron has brought items to place in Debs casket. pictures, naturally nothing weird there
Amber: ooooo. the rings? sad
Amber: i wanted him to leave the choco body paint. and the rope
LiLi: and wait for it: 2:38 PM ““I brought you something. Something you told me you wanted.” Then he pulls out a small leather-bound Bible, the one Father Frank blessed for her back in September of 2000, and her autographed Stryper Bible.” HER AUTOGRPHED STRYPER BIBLE. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG I CAN’T BREATHE
Amber: I HAVE TEARS!
LiLi: SRSLY. OH MY GAWWWDDDD 2:39 PM OH of course. 2:40 PM she’s written.the.whole.stinking.funeral.ceremony
Amber: is there a copy of the program i can download??
2:42 PM LiLi: oh. it’s not over. chapter 35: six months later. at the oscars. 2:43 PM who do you think wins?? and then mentions in his acceptance speech?? OHMYGAWD DEBBIE SRSLY KNOW WHEN TO END A STORY 2:44 PM epilogue: 50 years later- Rob and I are reunited rated G of course. i guess chocolate body paint and ropes are frowned upon in the afterlife
2:45 PM Amber: oh. sad. that’s no heaven
LiLi: awwww…deb’s bestie Lisa, we find out, hit it off with Kellan through all this. and they got married
Amber: WOO HOO!!!
LiLi: um STFU. she’s struggled with her weight for so long. 2:46 PM kellan aimed to prove his love despite her size. but no matter within a year of Debs funeral, Lisa was on the Biggest Loser and lost 100 thereby paving the way to accepting Kellans love 2:47 PM of course, she got pregnant with twins on their honeymoon, but that damn fate. the birth of little gary and cassidy claimed her life. as she died givng birth I SHIT YOU NOT
Amber: DAMN! life is TOUGH
2:48 PM LiLi: and then kellan knew what ron went through with Deb ::tear:: ” “Rob,” he said, “It was . . . so surreal . . . almost like I was in the birth scene from “Breaking Dawn.” of course it was. oh Kellan
Amber: WHAT?!? 2:49 PM Kellan! You ripped out babies with your teeth??!
LiLi: wheres your accountability partner?
and HERE IT IS. WHAT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR
2:50 PM LiLi: “As Robert is lying in that bed, he begins to think back on his life. In the past 50 years I’ve had everything I used to think I could have wanted in life. Although I love my wife and wouldn’t trade our life together or our family for anything, in the deepest part of my heart I’ve never really been able to let go of my angel.
I wouldn’t want to tell Kristen that . . . Rob thinks. I wouldn’t want her to feel like she was my “second choice.” Kristen knew how much I loved Debbie, anyway. . . . She had told me as much at my first wedding rehearsal. I remember her laughing and telling me “Rob, you’re so in love you’re ‘glowing’ just as much as the bride.” And she heard every word that Debbie and I had said to each other, both at the wedding and in our toasts to each other at the reception. Maybe Kris knows that, even now, there’s one part of my heart that could never have belonged to her . . . the part that my angel has always held. When I lost my angel, Kristen was right there for me, supporting me”
Amber: YES!!!! 2:51 PM I KNEW IT WOULD ALL COME DOWN TO ROBSTEN!!! I called it
LiLi: “Kris was familiar and safe, and we’d been friends for a long time, dated for a while . . . and that lasting friendship that we’d always had eventually turned to back into love, this time for both of us because Kristen had no more “emotional baggage” from previous relationships that she still needed to deal with; she was finally ready to be in a relationship with me, where she really wasn’t before. I did love Kristen . . . not in the same way I loved Debbie, of course, but Kris and I built a good life together.”
Amber: i win the internet forever
LiLi: LMFAO. awwww
Amber: poor oregano
LiLi: they had three chillens
Amber: just emotional baggage
LiLi: Jonathan, Claire and Maggie. LMAO
2:52 PM Amber: WHAT? no debbie!!!! shenanigans!!
LiLi: LOL…right? angel my ass
he’s dying!! from emphysema. all that smoking finally caught up to him
2:53 PM and now, in his final moments, he’s having an out of body experience, and Debbie, in angel form is there to take him home finally….she is younger than him
2:54 PM Amber: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! yes! debbie wins!
LiLi: “As he looks back at her in surprise, she continues, From that day on, I’ve always watched over you . . . I was the one who brought you and Kristen back together, after all. I couldn’t stand to see you remain alone, and I wanted you to be happy again.
Smiling at her, he thinks I knew it . . . I just knew you had to have something to do with it . . . my “guardian angel”. . .
Amber: yep. a martyr for robsten
LiLi: oh 2:55 PM but debbie’s NOT finished with the afterlife surprises (duh)
Amber: of course she isn’t man. here i sat thinking it was over when she died
LiLi: pfft. don’t underestimate deb: “As they’re suddenly standing outside the home she’s prepared for the two of them . . . an exact replica of their house in California . . . she caresses his cheek, smiles at him and she thinks ‘Ello, love . . . and welcome Home. Then she brings his lips to hers for the kiss they’ve both waited years for, both of them feeling their hearts are finally whole again as they kiss.” 2:56 PM AND she’s gathered the souls of their old pets too. even little Patty. omg
2:57 PM LiLi: i was wrong
Amber: there are no words
LiLi: SO VERY VERY WRONG apparently they DO let you bring chocolate body paint to heaven
LiLi: no. i won’t. ” Then, with a wicked little grin of her own, she looks at him and thinks By any chance, does this ‘something’ involve chocolate body paint?
With a laugh, he smiles at her, sweeps her up in his arms and carries her off to their bedroom . . . and their “forever” begins . . . ”
2:58 PM Amber: she did NOT just end on body paint??
3:06 PM “I’d initially written this story as “Hello, My Love” . . . a Hayden Christensen fanfiction that I’d initially written for DesiringHayden.net about four years ago .”
Hayden Christensen!? DEBBIE!!! How COULD You!? What about ROB!?
I hope you got through that & can’t breathe from your laughter. I’m STILL laughing