Your one tragic flaw

wave 'em around like you just don't care!

Dear Rob,

This is a difficult letter to write because I’m discussing one of your flaws (yes, this will hurt similarly to when I made fun of your fugly shoes). I don’t quite have the best words to articulate what I’m feeling, so I’m going to let my friend say what I cannot. She sent 3 of us this e-mail after seeing this picture for the first time:

“He is an adorable dork. That face…oh, dear. And girls…he so cannot dance. I mean, not even if we were standing naked in front of him and said, “Dude–all 4 of us at ONE TIME–if you can break it down” we wouldn’t even be able to get an Electric Slide out of his self.”

Ever since the HQ version of this pic was posted, cries could be heard all over the world with phrases like,”he CANNOT get his groove on.” and “dude cannot dance.” and “WORST dancer ever!” and “This is his one tragic flaw”
a
Robbie? What happened? You’re British! Isn’t dancing like a requirement in order to graduate high school? I thought it ranked right up there after “how many spoons of sugar would the Queen take if she dropped by your home for some tea?” You’re high class! You did MUSICALS. How did this tragedy happen? (And are you wearing a PIECE on your head! Dear Lord!!?)

If you become a C-lister and Dancing w/ the stars comes calling- run the other way. You'll be kicked off week 1- guaranteed

Yesterday wasn’t all tragedy. Moon & I, of course, broke it down Vanity Fair style with two of our fav gals:

Friend #1: Rob is redeemed–look how high off the ground he’s jumping.
Friend #2: Umm…can you imagine Rob as they were instructing him what to do?
UC: he probably listened intently, just in case the Queen showed up
Friend #2: He is probably smoking in that picture where his face is obstructed.
Friend #1: he was shiizzzzzing himself.
Friend #2: That’s why they picked that pic. They couldn’t let the ciggy show.

Friend #1: have you seen the harry potter special features where he talks about having to dance at the ball? he HATES dancing. but dude did this…he knew he better.
UC: dude would LOVE grinding up on me
Friend #2: what about the mattress mambo? that’s sort of a dance

She’s right! The mattress mambo IS a ‘sort-of’ dance. And I bet you’re the Mambo-King!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

851 Commented

Breaking it down Vanity-Fair style

Dear Rob,

Moon & I call discussions like the one we’re about to have: “breaking it down vanity fair style” b/c we started the blog after breaking down the vanity fair vid (the 1 hour one) like it was a work of art  (it was).

Last week we saw that Robsessed had posted this amazing .gif of you kissing Kristen at the prom scene. I don’t think I breathed the entire time I watched it. Moon & I decided it was necessary to call our gals to convene immediately to break down that kiss b/c .. well, DUH.. it was necessary for survival… We texted and e-mailed till we found everyone and then actually went all 14-year-old-girl on you and had a “group chat” on google-talk. Here is how it went:

Friend #1: Umm…Rob is the shiz.   The end
Moon: and done!
Friend #1: just kidding…I have a list of things to discuss
Friend #2: that’s my fave kiss in the movie…  the first one was hot, but NOT edward and bellaish.  prom was totally edward and bellish.
Moon: which one shall we start with? How about the slow .gif?

Friend #2: too slow for me…  i am not a fan of extended foreplay.
Moon: give it a second i think it builds up
UC: builds up-  orgasm style
Friend #2: nope…not a fan of that either. i’m like a man.
UC: ur right moon- she has a flat mouth (notice how we ignored crazy Friend #2)
Moon: can we talk about how much of a dead fish kristen is??
UC: Moon and I believe that is b/c she was afraid to put real feeling and emotion into the kiss- thinking that Michael Oregano will notice and realize that she and Rob DID IT on his hotel suite’s kitchen floor.. the night before
Friend #2: she is a COLD dead fish.
Moon: it’s like a straight line, NO pucker at all

Friend #1: I am half pretending to work…and love Rob. The two can’t be combined
Moon: the slow one makes me feel dizzy
Friend #2: see….that is what i’m talking ’bout…
Friend #1: The slow one makes me feel dead
Moon: imagine my coworkers coming in to find my passed out and Rob kissing on the screen
Friend #2: he looks PAINED…exactly as edward should look at this point in the relationship.   NOT jumping onto her bed with her.
Friend #1: thank you! exactly
Moon: that’s what i was thinking too! Look at the crease in his brow.   and he like seriously takes a moment to think about it
Friend #2: YES!   like Edward.
UC: you are RIGHT! this is RIGHT. dude.. it’s so hot
Friend #2: KStew’s all, “whatever.”
UC: i can’t stop watching. does she not realize who she’s kissing?
Friend #1: Kristen is lamespice
Moon: this is like spin the bottle for her
Friend #2: um…i love me some Oregano in Almost Famous…but he ain’t got it going on as an adult.
Moon: amen and the hand behind the neck lawdy
Moon: ok should we move to the fast .gif?
Friend #2: dude, that’s the only one i’ve been watching. no slow. no slow-mo. EVER.

Friend #1: can I just say…BEST PART OF THE MOVIE!? Rob should never take that suit off….
UC: you’re right.  never. he was SO hot in that suit. hotter than oscars, london, japan…
Friend #2: no….my fave part in the movie is when he backs her up against that mountain…
UC: SO HOT. yes that is HOT. I wish he kissed her right there (or gave her a “special hug”)
Friend #1: special hug would have been better
UC: i’ve been reading too much fan fic

a

Friend #1: I bet Moon has been with Rob but isn’t telling us because she knows we would be jealous

Friend #2: i wouldn’t be jealous at all…but i would expect a play by play… the full deets.

UC: i would be so jealous and expect all of those things too. perhaps also a video

a

Moon: we want to have a round table discussion post where we feature people talking about something. you guys wanna be in it? (after we’ve already lured you in)
UC: we did not discuss this, but i enjoy this idea
Moon: i thought we talked about it. maybe not, maybe in my brain
UC: i don’t remember.. but it doesn’t matter b/c i like it .. decision made “we” agreed on it!   and apparently we’re the only ones here
Friend #2: i’m here.   i’m dying.
Friend #1: No I am here…I just thought I should let you two have your argument in private.
UC: i just got distracted b/c i got an email that said “Kristen Stewart is following you on twitter. i KNEW she read our site!

Friend #1: Lastly, Rob is like THE SHIZ at the kiss. I am pretty sure no other male on this earth could kiss as good as he did at that moment. I am pretty sure Kristen died and really wished she wasn’t dating Oregano-Stupid-Face at that moment. So anyway, Rob enveloped the perfect Edward-ness at that moment. I was blown away.  It killed me. *deadonthefloor…robkissmequicktoreviveme!*

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968 Commented

Vanity Fair Outtakes…

Dear Rob-

Last night I spent an hour watching the Vanity Fair outtakes video while discussing with my co-hort in twi-crime. Yes, we are adults, with real jobs, real lives, car payments, college degrees and rad fucking shoes but we’ll still break down a 10 second clip of you and Kristen holding hands on that rope swing thing like we’re discussing philosophy or the cure for cancer.

Just thought you should know.

XO-
me

get more vanity fair goodness here

28 Commented