Rob’s PG-13 Hands and stuff

Dear Rob,

Yesterday we received the following e-mail for you:

Dear Rob Pattinson,

I know you have probably received millions of letters on this subject, but let me add one more to the pile. You have great hands! Take care of them.

I am not a fanatic, in that I don’t know everything about you, likes and dislikes, hobbies, favorite foods, etc., etc. I don’t write to profess undying love or anything. I am just a fan who would like to thank you and your castmates, for providing several hours of entertainment, which takes me to an imaginary world where I can forget my own worries for awhile. (All in PG-13, too!)

I’m not really sure, but I think she was confessing to fantasizing about you with PG-13 fantasies. I assume that’s stuff like dry humping on the couch with her parents right upstairs. Or you caressing her lady parts over her clothes or something. Or maybe I’m reading it wrong & she’s saying she fantasizes about you and your castmates in PG-13– so you caressing Ashley Greene’s lady parts. Or maybe you & Jackson getting hot & heavy during a lunch break.

Either way she’s right. You do have great hands. So what did I do? Found a couple videos made by people with obvious hand fetishes to celebrate your hands and all the PG-13 fantasies they bring us. SPOILER ALERT– there is an EPIC slow jam in one of these videos:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qnh5tpTc18Y]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npecnFii6HE]

And something REALLY special– the 2011 Remake of the first video!!!!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IB_PuFUQBo]

Take care of those hands, Rob! Keep them soft & moisturized with your cuticles cut. I don’t want some nasty hang nail, sandpaper-feeling hands ruining my PG-13 fantasies now!

Xoxo,
UnintendedChoice

What sort of PG-13 things would you like Rob to do to you with his hands? Open up a can of spray cheese & lick it off your chest overtop your tank top?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

11 Commented

Letter to Rob: Pool Side

UC & Moon: Still gone Fishin’ but BOY do we have a treat for YOU today. Do you know the site RobNipulations? Noooo!? Well, they manipulate pictures of Rob into hilarious different situations, depending on their mood. I asked them to bring the manip-Rob love to LTR today and they happily obliged. Read what they brought to LTR then go check out their site!

Dear Rob,

This picture of you at a pool party surfaced on the interwebs last month.  While others drooled at the mere thought of you wet and glistening pool-side and wild speculation swirled, we peered intently at the photo, playing our own private game of “Where’s Waldo”…

It was a fruitless search. How does one even claim to actually see you, much less Waldo, in this picture? I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the person who labeled the pics, but really?! Is that you? Is that your sculpted (we hope) ass? Your chiseled jaw? Did you have your legs amputated recently? Because after your shorts, the legs pretty much disappear. Is that Tom on the other side of that random chick? Why isn’t he labeled? That’s going to hurt his feelings and, frankly,  it’s pretty blatant discrimination. Brit Pack is Brit Pack, right? And I’m fairly sure that you and Tom are holding hands there. That’s the obvious conclusion when you can’t actually see something. It does kinda look like the person labeled “Sam” could be Sam, because he has some crazy ass hair, and because those trunks are pretty frickin’ blinding, but, meh. Dunno.

Anyway, we must say, if that was you, we were, frankly, surprised. That party looks far too tame for you and your boys to be present. A party with you as a guest ought to involve all sorts of decadence and debauchery. Go Go dancers in cages. Being fed peeled grapes. Nudity, at the very least. And of course, someone would whip out a guitar for an impromptu performance. Kinda like Matthew McConaughey with his bongos, right? No hands! We’re envisioning it now.

However, lucky us, we’ve managed to unearth a picture of you and your boys at a ‘private party’ that shows us how you guys really like to hang…

Now we know why Dean has been MIA! Forcing him to babysit Tom while you were finishing up filming was just not cool. That’s a 24/7 job! Way to suck out his life force… I mean, Dean looks like he’s considering ending it all. Dean, baby! You have so much to live for! We can work through this!

At least you have the decency to look chagrined. But we’re thinking you’re just pissed off because Tom is spilling the beer everywhere. Haven’t you taught him better than that? Sweet nectar of the gods, man! Beer is sacred! There are rules about these things in civilized society!

You guys do look rather cozy in that pool, though. I’m guessing that Bobby is playing a little footsie with Dean… and Dean is trying to figure out how he feels about that. Bobby looks a little guilty; he’s definitely up to something. And while we’re on that… your and Bobby’s hands seem to be underwater. Are you guys playing a little grabass?! Are you even wearing trunks? Can’t see them. Therefore, they don’t exist. Awesome! This party just stepped up a notch.

It was brilliant of you pasty English lads to keep your shirts on, to avoid becoming fried white tomatoes. At least Dean-O works on his tan. Keep in mind for the next party, though, that we’d be more than happy to help slather on the sunscreen, you know, anywhere. Really. That’s just out of the kindness of our little hearts. Besides, we wouldn’t want those sweet, white buns ending up as red as a baboons.

And, you know, you’re a millionaire. You could probably upgrade to one of those 3 foot deep blow up pools now. Just saying. But we’re guessing that you like being extra close to Tom and Bobby… Who wouldn’t wanna be?

Anyhow, we are really glad that we found this picture, because the first one was just pathetic and disappointing. We were so bored, just like that random chick who apparently had to resort to texting while sitting between you and Tom (Clearly, someone wasn’t getting any action. It’s rough basking in the love glow of RobStu).  But now we know how you guys really party, and we’re hoping we get an invite to the next one. We’ll leave our cameras at home, swear.  Bikinis are optional, right?

Call us! We give special hugs. No really, they’re incredibly SPECIAL.

Your pool party h00rs,

The RobNips ladies, aka

RobsButtonsBabe, rpattzlawyer, thechagrinedone, AngryBadgerGirl, Debb24601 and Special Guest:  vanessarae1

P.S. Please to be investing in a bikini top for the Big D. Those moobs are, what? 44BB? Dood needs support.

*Thank You’s to MsJBell and CalliopeBlabs for locating pictures!

Seriously I died when I saw Rob & pals in the baby pool- cause you knowwwwww that’s probably what they’re doing in his backyard in LA right now! Go leave the gals at RobNipulations some love on on their site!!

She’s almost home! What have you thought of that happened While Moon was Gone?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

32 Commented

Open Weekend Post: The Museum of Rob

This weekend we’re getting a little cultured as we visit the Museum of Rob!

Dear Rob,

When I saw the headline a few months back, “Rob Pattinson Gets Waxed” it was a bit of a shock. WHAT were you waxing and WHY?? But no, to my relief your pubes were intact and the article was about your new figure at Madame Tussauds! There was pandemonium on opening day! Women lined up to have their pic taken with you and to run their hands through your fake hair! It kind of looks like you, but there’s something a little off. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick wax Rob out of bed, but it’s not quite you. The clothes, the posture, the eyes-it’s just a bit off. But seeing you in that “museum” got me thinking-Rob,you deserve more than a cheesy wax effigy. You deserve your OWN museum. Sure, you’ve only been famous for a few years, but to me, you are a work of art. So I started tossing around some ideas…

Welcome to The Museum of Rob
Containing artifacts spanning over twenty-four years.

Item: Policeman’s hat.
Materials: plastic
Date: c.1990
Donated by: Mrs. Diana Nutley
Provenance: Pattinson family attic.

a

Item: Child’s leash
Materials: leather, metal
Date: 1989
Donated by: Mrs. Diana Nutley
Provenance: Used to protect Rob from himself on the playground.

a

Item: Miu Miu swim trunks
Materials: nylon
Date: 2002
Donated by: Donor prefers to remain unknown.
Provenance: Worn by Rob in an unfortunate photoshoot.

a

Item: Wand
Materials: Ash, Unicorn(?) Hair
Date: 2004
Donated by: Donor prefers to remain anonymous.
Provenance: This is the wand used by Rob in the fourth Harry Potter film. We are thrilled to have Rob’s wand on display.

Item: Beanie
Materials: Wool
Date: 2008
Donated by: Donor prefers to remain anonymous.
Provenance: Worn daily by Rob in a futile attempt to disguise his hair.

a

Item: Plaid shirt
Materials: Cotton, plastic
Date: 2009
Donated by: M. Foster
Provenance: this is a particularly rare and coveted piece, as it was worn consecutively by all members of the Brit Pack. Unwashed.

a

Item: Beard Stubble
Materials: Human hair
Date:2009
Donated by: Hotel cleaning staff
Provenance: Undisclosed hotel, bathroom sink.

a

Item: One half of size 36C nude bra
Materials: Nylon, cotton, tape
Date: 2009
Donated by: Donor prefers to remain anonymous
Provenance: Rob’s privates, used unsuccessfully as “modesty patch” during filming.

I’d pay to see just to see the modesty patch!

-dazzledtodeath

What other artifacts of Rob’s life would YOU pay to see in a Rob museum!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

116 Commented

Outtakes from Rob’s Poems

I’m calling today “Fun Rob Friday” and Cath & Draska lead us into the world of Rob’s poetry!

Dear Rob,

To say the very, very least, we were intrigued by your report that you engaged in writing some, shall we say, risqué poetry during the filming of “Remember Me.” To quote you,

“I remember writing all these kind of pornographic poems, whenever there was a close-up on it. Horrible, horrible things in bold capital letters.”

As naturally curious people and stalwart lovers of literature of all kinds, we wanted to have the opportunity to read and analyze these poems for ourselves. But alas, we are unaware of the distribution of said titillating poems and to paraphrase some of your dialogue from “Remember Me”, the tale of these poems is “just there to tease us.”

Rob, we know that you don’t know this but, we were able to locate some poem outtakes from the ‘Remember Me’ time frame and beyond! It may have had something to do with a non-LTR-traditional use of a dumpster. As with any photo shoot that you do, there are some gems in the outtakes. Luckily -or sadly, depending how you look at it- for us, these outtake poems do not violate any decency standards and will not cause, ahem, ‘problems’ for the LTR blog.

By the way, we don’t know how you would define ‘pornographic poems…..horrible, horrible things’. What does that mean? Someone drank your last Heineken or ate the last Hot Pocket? It can’t be that there are no clean clothes left. Perhaps Marks & Sparks sold out of your choice of underwear? What? What does that mean to you? Does it involve fan fiction? Inquiring minds want to know.

It is our fond hope that you’re continuing to immortalize your poetic efforts; we wait with bated breath to be able, one day, to treasure your all poems. Here are your outtakes. We will refrain from using ‘bold capital letters’ as too many shouty capitals give us all headaches. No offense to you, of course…

Food

Feel your pockets
Sizzling
Spaghetti with sauce
Very hot
Shower
Wet Plaids
Cigarette

Crazy

Dear Sky,
Rumpled sheets
Dark clouds
Thunder Rain Hail
Straitjacket

Shopping

Blinding lights
Rodeo Drive
Dark cul-de-sac
Dumpster
Salvation Army
Yellow Mustard
Or Khaki?

Tee

Faded soft
Worn design
Peek-a-boo skin
Hotel sewing kit or mom?
Stoli

More after the jump! Continue…

128 Commented

The Year I Was Obsessed with Robert Pattinson

Rob- it’s a holiday in the US, as you know since you live here now. Well, yesterday was the holiday, but no one likes when holidays are on weekends so we celebrate them on week days. It’s something we do. It’s the American way. Well, everyone is celebrating except for me (UC) because my job is lame, and I have to work. BOO! Anyway, sit back, relax, grab a hot dog or 3 and enjoy the story about The year Beaspoon was obsessed with you!

Gorgeous in Red. Check. Rich. Check. Rob on her arm. Check. Yep- I hate her

Dear Rob,

I’m loving all of the set pics from WFE, especially the pictures of you and Reese Witherspoon. She and I actually have a LOT in common. My maiden name is Witherspoon, and people used to ask me all the time if I was related to her. Sadly, I’m not, but I digress. She and I also both have daughters named Ava Elizabeth. Reese and I are also both filming movies with you right now. Wait, no, that’s not true I guess. SHE’S filming a movie with you, and I’m making a movie with you in my head. Every day. And night. Big time.

Sometimes I think about what my life was like B.R. That’s “Before Rob” but you probably already guessed that. A year ago, I had never even HEARD of you, can you believe that? Then my twin sister told me she was reading the Twilight saga and I LAUGHED IN HER FACE! “Vampires?!” I said, “You can’t be serious…no way am I reading that juvenile fiction crap.” But, alas, one day later (yeah, I sort of don’t do too well with peer pressure) I was reading “Twilight” and I finished all 4 books in 5 days. I still didn’t know who you were though. So I convinced my husband to watch Twilight with me me (“Vampires! You’ll love it, I am SURE of it!” Yeah, he hated it, but don’t let it get you down, Rob. He was just jealous.) I was, instantaneously, obsessed.

You should know that on the outside, I appear to be a completely normal person. I’m a 29 year old married mother of two, I stay home with my kids and live a pretty great, but simple, life. But on the inside? I’m like a 12 year old girl, pining for you in a way I have never obsessed about another person before. It’s ridiculous. RIDICULOUS! I spend an hour every day reading websites about you. I read Twilight and even Rob fanfiction–I’ve read hundreds of stories starring a completely fictional Rob or Edward! My laptop wallpaper USED to be a picture of my ridiculously cute kids, now it is just ever-changing pictures of YOU. Sigh. My husband hates you, even though he’s been getting awesome sex for a year now, he still can’t stand the mere mention of your name. He totally knows who I’m thinking about when we’re getting down and dirty, he’s just in denial. And I’m not talking about the river in Egypt.

Sometimes I wonder if I will look back on this year in my life and fondly remember it as “The Year I Was Obsessed with Robert Pattinson.” Except my obsession with you doesn’t seem to be waning at all. So maybe this is my life now. You are my life now. Tee hee, I had to slip that in somewhere.

PS–I’m even one of those crazy people that bought an “I Drive Like a Cullen” bumper sticker, but then was too afraid to out myself in public so it’s just sitting in my dresser drawer. Yup, that kind of crazy, Rob.

Crazily Yours,
Beaspoon

So I can TOTALLY relate to this. Especially when she said she thought she’d look back and remember this time fondly. I thought this obsession would wane. Its changed, that’s for sure (a Roblosophy for another day!) but it sure hasn’t gone away!!! What about for you!?

Pic Source

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

138 Commented